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Observations: On Being a Black-White Transracial Adoptive Family in the South

Posted by | July 27, 2014 | BAMBINOS | 19 Comments

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We have spent a lot of time in the Lowcountry of South Carolina. Braydon and I have been coming to this area for twenty years now. But for the past four summers we’ve spent significant time in the Charleston/Beaufort/Sea Islands of the South Carolina Lowcountry as a black-white transracial adoptive family. We’ve had many blog readers, friends, and acquaintances — curious about it — ask us to blog about our experiences with, and perspectives on, being an interracial black-white family traveling in the deep South. I’ve put off writing about this for a long time because I don’t want to offend or insult anyone. But I’ve decided to go ahead and write about it tonight, and I’ve asked Braydon to do the same. With me having grown up in northern New England (the north of The North!), and with him having grown up in Georgia (the deep, Bible-Belt, south of The South!), we are coming at this from two different perspectives. We’ve spent hours upon hours talking about this subject, and this post will only scrape the surface, but it is an attempt to answer the basic questions we’ve been asked so often: ‘What it is like being YOU there?’ and ‘What on earth is the appeal?!’ We wrote our posts at the same time tonight, but without seeing what each other had written.

Here goes~

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HEATHER’S POST

The other day, while we were walking on the beach, I had a long conversation with Kyle about his thoughts and perspectives on our time in the South. I was pretty astounded with what he had to say — both in terms of how incredibly articulate and sophisticated his answers seemed to me to be (granted, I’m biased, I’m his mother!, but I do think his thoughts and feelings are pretty incredible for a 10-year-old boy!), and in how much his own observations totally lined up with my own. Here are some tid-bits from that conversation:

I asked Kyle what is more comfortable for him— being black in the South, or being black in the North. His answer: he feels more comfortable being black in the South, but his thinking meshes more with people in the North. He thinks that people in the North have values more in-tune with his own (“They’re Union! They fought to end slavery! We wouldn’t be our family if it weren’t for The North!”), but… interestingly enough… he feels more comfortable, being black, in the South. Specifically, he thinks Northerners are more liberal and progressive (which is in-line with his own views), but he feels more at ease with Southerners. When asked to explain why he feels more comfortable in the South, he said: “There are more black people in the South. But it isn’t just that there are more black people here, it is also that there is more black history and black culture here.” I was amazed at his ability to discern the differences between thinking and feeling, and I was stunned by his explanation regarding history and culture. As a white, progressive, anti-racist person, I agree with Kyle’s assessment 100%. It should also be noted that when we’ve been in the South during our summer visits, we’ve placed a huge emphasis on the black history and black culture of the area. So, Kyle’s experience with the South is not white-washed… if anything is is “black-washed” (if that is even a thing). But, like Kyle, I think the North is more in-line with me, but in many ways, I feel more comfortable in the South. Isn’t that so interesting?!

Next I asked Kyle this: “Now, specifically, just in terms of being a member of a black-white transracial adoptive family, where are you more comfortable — as our family? The North or the South?” His answer was clear and conclusive: “The North. Definitely.” I think that is interesting — and it is the same answer for me — I feel more comfortable, as “us,” in the North.

Lastly, I want to share what Kyle had to say about one more subject: being a kid. “Now, if you can, putting aside the ‘black’ question, and the ‘transracial adoptive family’ question, just in terms of being a KID — where are you more comfortable? The North or the South?” He said that was by far the toughest question and that he couldn’t answer that conclusively because he had very mixed thoughts and feelings about that one. We talked about it for a long time. “Expectations for behavior are more more strict in the South,” he said. “What kids do in the North would never be allowed in the South… The things that adults let kids get away with in the North just don’t happen in the South… Kids are expected to be much more polite and have good manners in the South.” He went on to explain that much of the behavior of the kids he knows in the North would never fly down South; that kids get away with “so much!” in the North; and that the lines between kids and adults are much more rigid in the South. All of this was very clear in his mind. The only question for him was which place he preferred to be — as a kid. There is a fine line between high expectations leading to security and happiness versus high expectations leading to oppression. And, despite us circling back to this conversation numerous times in the past few days, the jury is still out for him in terms of what he prefers as a kid — the North vs. the South. He does say, however, that he is leaning toward thinking that, as a kid, he’s more comfortable in the North because “there is more freedom for kids in the North.”

Of course, in truth, none of this can be separated out. Kyle is a black, transracial adoptee, kid, visiting the South. We are a complex family spending time in the South. It is messy.

As a family we’ve spent a lot of time talking about all of this, and one thing we do all agree on is this: while we love visiting the South, we would not want to live here. It is very important to remember that our time in the South Carolina Lowcountry is spent on purpose, with some very specific intentions. I think if you understand that, you can understand why we love it here.

As a black-white transracial adoptive family we always — always —stand out. At home, we get weary of the stares and questions and never-ending, incessant, exhausting attempts — from just about everyone it seems — to try to ‘get into it’ with us— to try to approach us, find out out story, figure out our deal, probe and probe and go deeper and deeper to know what we’re all about. We can’t get through the grocery store, or go anywhere, without people looking at us (often staring at us), and regularly coming right up to us trying to start conversation with us (often even when we clearly don’t want to get into it). Honestly, it is exhausting. This is what we signed up for, though, (at least, Braydon and I signed up for it), so we (at least, Braydon and me) don’t complain. It is what it is. And we (especially our kids) don’t really know any different. But, the biggest pull, for me, to the South in the summer is, quite simply: just to get a break from it. Here’s the thing: in the South, people just don’t ‘get into it’ with us. They leave us alone. They may not like what they see in us, or maybe they do, but regardless, we’ll never know because you know what?! They don’t try to go there with us. They treat us just like everyone else. In stores, restaurants, on the beach, in the city, or anywhere, we are treated just like everyone else. We are treated politely and with Southern hospitality. But nobody asks us anything. And hardly anybody stares. We are just left alone. Which is… honestly… just so incredibly wonderful.

You know what? It is totally possible that they leave us alone because they are, in fact, giving us the cold shoulder. Maybe they don’t stare because they can’t stand to look at what they see. That is entirely possible. But, for one month a year, I don’t even care what the reasoning behind it is— I just like being left alone.

Plus, layered onto all of this, is the fact that for the past two years we’ve lived on campus at Lehigh. So, there, we are even less anonymous. It is an awesome and amazing experience to live there — in such a tight community — where everybody knows us and everybody is looking out for us. It is incredible. But, again, everybody want to get into it with us, all the time. Then, another layer: the blog. We are recognized places: “Oh my gosh! I read your blog!!!” We are the opposite of anonymous. Our life is like a crazy open book. We aren’t Brangelina, by any stretch of the imagination, but in our own little mini-world, we are pretty inundated. And, as much as this is probably a surprise to people who don’t know me well in real life: I actually am a person who prefers nothing more than being out of the spotlight.

Remember the lyrics from the theme song to Cheers? “Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go…

WHERE NOBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME.

That’s the South for us. Nobody know us. Nobody cares all that much. And we love that. They are polite and they keep is shallow and superficial, right at the surface. And, for one month a year, we are perfectly happy with that.

People in the South don’t pry. They are very polite. And superficial. This is, of course, a huge sweeping generalization (there are obviously many exceptions), but for the most part— truly— they just leave us alone. If we offer up information, they just take it for what it is, they don’t probe for more. “Our sons were adopted,” I might say. In the North that would immediately lead to: “Oh, from where? How old were they? Why Haiti? Tell me the whole entire story, I’m so interested!” In the South it will be responded to with, “That’s nice.” End of story.

I wouldn’t want that all the time. Because, for me, that is kind of awkward, and it feels extremely shallow and surface-level (and I’m not a shallow of surface-level person). But for one month a year? Yes please! For us, this is a respite and a retreat and a break that we thoroughly enjoy.

Do people stare? Yes, they do. But rarely. And not nearly as often as in the North. I will say, however, that when they do stare (in the South), it feels hostile. Just a feeling — just the radar working — but that is my feeling on it. When they stare in the North, my sense — again, just my own feeling on it — is that they’re staring out of curiosity (and it does not feel hostile; in fact, often, it feels the opposite of hostile— like a weird interest in us, but that they in some way like what they see).

Do we have racist situations? Not often. But sometimes, yes. The other day I overheard some horribly racist stuff at a sandwich shop. I was with Meera, alone, and these two white men were saying some horrible stuff within earshot. It was the worst overt racism I’ve ever witnessed. It felt scary to me. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to throw up. It was the only time that’s happened. And it was explicit and rough. On a regular basis, though, we don’t find overt racism in the South (at least we’re not witness to it and/or it isn’t happening directly to us). We do find a more conservative set of social values in the South. This is often overt, even with regards to race. In so many ways, truly, I find that — as horrible as it is — it often feels better than what goes on in the North with the “colorblindness” and all — all — that is wrapped up with that. Again, it is just for one month a year. I don’t think I’d ever choose to live permanently in the South.

Do we feel safe? Honestly… we are (purposefully) renting a house in a secure, gated community. This should send off all sorts of class cues. Classism, yes. Huge. In the South. And the North. Do I let my two black dreadlocked sons go alone into a gas station, to use the restroom, in the South? No. Do I do that in the North? No. Where are they safe?

Do we recommend the South for other black-white transracial adoptive families? Yes. If for no other reasons, to put the white folks in your family in the statistical minority for awhile. (So important!!!) And, also, because there is no place better than the South to teach your kids — black and white — about the African-American history. This is the epicenter of it all, folks, and this is a unique place to explore all that you have been, all that you are, and all that you could maybe be. Kids from the North should have at least one experience visiting the South — if for no other reason than to simply see how different the various regions of the U.S.A. are.

P.S. I just need to include this: another thing I love about our July in the South is this: Moms here don’t play with their kids. This is, of course, another huge sweeping generalization (and, of course, there are exceptions to this), but wow, do I ever love this. I find huge relief in spending a month of my year here where the Exceptional Mothering (in my opinion: Excessive Mothering) is not in full swing as it is in the North. I feel like in this era of mothering — at this historical moment — the pressure on moms is extreme to be exceptionally incredible-enriching-playful-creative-to-the-Nth-degree Mommies. I am a mom who firmly believes in letting my kids play — by themselves. I will build a sandcastle or play bocce ball on the beach every now and then, but I do not play with my kids all day long. For the most part, they play by themselves. And I don’t like being made to feel badly about that. In the North moms are all about playing with their kids, being fully engaged with their kids 24×7, making every single moment magical all of the time. I enjoy some time in the South, where moms rarely do that. Moms here sit in their beach chair, diligently feed their kids sandwiches, and let them play. All day long. That’s my kind of place. I enjoy a break from the mothering madness that is The North. (And I think my kids do too!) So, for me, this is another aspect of the “break” that our July in the South Carolina Lowcountry provides me.

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BRAYDON’S POST:

I was born and raised in the South. Some would not really consider Atlanta the South, but when I was growing up there it was a lot more like a sleepy southern city than it is today. Although my parents are from the North, everyone I knew, all my friends, and everything I identified with was purely Southern. I did carry a little outsider sense of things, but I am pretty sure I understand the South, despite having not lived there for over 20 years. The South remains in your blood even when you leave. Even when you try to get it all out of you.

We’ve had many discussions about what is the difference between the North and South. Heather believes that the North is fundamentally represented by the Protestant Ethic. I get that and it resonates with me. I believe that the South’s foundation (and I mostly mean the White South) is based in God, Family and Tradition. And I believe that if you focus in on those three things –in reverse order – that the way the South works becomes clear (including things that continue to be problematic), including why the South continues to be upset by the American Civil War.

Which raises the question, if we understand things about the South, why would we bring our bi-racial black and white family to the South? Why on earth would anyone bring their black kids to the center of historical racism in the United States?

Well – we don’t live here – we’re visitors. I am confident we would not live here. But, as visitors, it’s an important experience for our whole family. An experience of living history and of a different culture.

One of the interesting things about the South versus the North is that in the North, stratification and racism is less visible. White people work hard to come off as accepting, not-racist and that equality is important. That’s despite the fact that racial and class segregation in the North is alive and well. I think that is sometimes easier and sometimes harder.

In the South, people are just upfront with their acceptance of stratification. In some cases, approval, in some cases disapproval, but in all cases, open recognition. There is just an openness to it. My theory is that this recognition is rooted in those tenants of Southern culture – Tradition, Family and God. Whatever the cause, just walking into a store, you can sense it.

For our family, one of the key differences we see is this: in the North, we are kind of considered a special, exciting and valued thing – a bi-racial family (I am not saying I think that’s ok or that we like that – but it’s definitely noticeable – I mean – when there is a certain kind of giddy excitement to have our boys over for a play date and then the pictures are posted in a large way on Facebook – it’s kind of obvious). In the South, we are intentionally ignored.

In the South, nobody asks about our adoption. Nobody wants to get to know us or inquire further. We are not shunned exactly (maybe due to our class status, I don’t know), but we are very much not a special thing.

In the North, white men chat with me about our adoption story and black men give me the unofficial head nod. In the South, I get neither – nothing. I think that’s Southern tradition speaking.





So – why would we come here? The American story and the Black American story is rooted here. The history of that story is living here; the experience of it is here. We may not want to live here, but how can we not visit?

palms

19 Comments

  • Poetry's Truth says:

    I don’t know where to begin with my comment. I don’t want to offend or seem as if I’m diminishing your experiences. I’ll just jump in and hope it all makes sense.

    I am a black mother of biracial children (My Mister is a southern white man). I do not consider myself African American, as I am simply American, no qualifier or identifier needed (no snark intended just wanted to clarify my feeling on that).

    I am northern born and educated, but moved to the south before I finished all of my education. I am truly a southern girl, A Carolina Girl. Being a biracial family in the south has a different flavor for us, I think it has to do with sex. LOL. I know that may seem silly, but I’ve found that MANY southerns are appalled at that aspect of interracial families/marriage. We get so many MORE stares when we go to the Carolinas for our yearly visit. We are a military family and currently live in the northeast. When we are in the north most folks don’t even do a double take.
    My thinking is the J-M family is more “acceptable” in the south because of HOW your family was formed. When they see you two as a couple there isn’t a gut reaction of “oh my word!” *clutching of pearls* LOL The Mister and I get a huge reaction no matter where we are in the south (TN, TX, NC, SC etc).

    As a military family we have traveled the world and by far the south has been the most hostile to us as a family. I still love the Carolinas, but we won’t move back until all our children are off to college.

    • Heather says:

      That is so interesting and I am SURE you are 100% right — I’m sure that your experience is very different because of the interracial marriage dimension. I know that southerners are probably much more “ok” with us because it is clear that our family was formed through adoption. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am going to be thinking about your comments for awhile — THANK YOU! ~Heather

      • Jennifer says:

        I wanted to build on Poetry’s Truth’s comment. Our family consists of two white parents, a 10 year old biracial boy (who would get along with Kyle and Owen like gangbusters – all energy and sports all the time), a 6 year old bio white kid and a 4 year old bio white kid. The 10 year old is on the big side for his age and has such athletic grace that people think he’s older; the younger two are very small for their age. I live in the Pacific NW, which has it’s own generally liberal culture, but I’ve lived in the South pre-kids. In any event, I notice very different reactions depending on which combination of our family goes somewhere. If I’m by myself with the kids (and sometimes if we’re all together), I think people assume my oldest is my bio kid from a previous relationship, which can raise all sorts of issues for people with multiple marriages, mixed-race relationships, etc. If we’re all together and we’re both obviously parenting the oldest, people seem to clue in that he’s adopted. Frankly, there are some nice things about people assuming that my oldest is my bio kid – we get fewer questions!

  • Candis says:

    Both your and braydon’s observations were fascinating, but my epiphany happened when I read this:
    “In the North moms are all about playing with their kids…. I enjoy some time in the South, where moms rarely do that. Moms here sit in their beach chair, diligently feed their kids sandwiches, and let them play. All day long. That’s my kind of place.”
    I’ve had to explain to others that my children are not my peers. I will feed, clothe, shelter, love, and protect them, but I am NOT going to go out and create finger puppets or build forts with them. I will, however, happily sit and sip a cocktail while they ride razor scooters up and down the street. My mom is a Yellow Rose of Texas. She would make costumes for us, drive us to LIttle League and ballet, but hell would have frozen over if she would ever have considered sitting in on a Barbie hair design session. Through your observations, I realize now it was her philosophy that influenced me–that Southern upbringing, where children don’t sit in on “grown-up conversation” and adults never sit at the children’s table. For Southerners there is a definite line between childhood and adulthood; as a lifelong California girl, I can dig it.

  • Ashley says:

    I grew up in the South, and my mom, as well as all of my friends’ moms were all very much the “hands on” type of moms. They played with us much like you describe how Northern moms play with their kids. Could it be that you are describing the typical “vacation moms” attitude of allowing their kids to play by themselves while the moms get to relax on the beach? I realize that you are in the South now on vacation, in a tourist location, so perhaps being in a tourist spot during the summer break is not the best place to get a perspective of how most Southern moms actually parent their kids.

    • Heather says:

      That’s interesting that your experience with mothering was so different than what I observe! I don’t know what’s up or down with it, and really these are just my own observations. Where we spend July (Harbor Island) is really only populated by southerners — while many are on vacation, they are all (with almost no exceptions) from SC, GA. Some from Alabama and North Carolina. And many own homes there so they are there for long stints (sort of in summer mode but not really vacation mode). At Hunting Island there are also lots of locals– definitely not just tourists/vacationers. Just to be clear: I am NOT putting down southern parenting styles– in fact the opposite- I find a lot of value in what I see southern moms do. Thank you for reading! Heather

      • Ashley says:

        Thanks Heather! While I grew up in the South, I am currently living in and raising my kids in the North. ( My hubby was born and raised here) I can definitely see some aspects of how intense some Northern mamas can be at times. I’m so glad y’all are enjoying your Southern summer!

  • Kate says:

    Thank you Heather and Braydon and Kyle for allowing his throughts to be shared! You are so so right Kyle’s observations and articulation of his thoughts and feelings is so interesting and amazing, I can just imagine the conversations you are both having! It is so interesting and gives me a lot of food for thought. I can really appreciate how hard this post was to write and put it out there for critique and whatever the responses may be. I found all your thoughts so so facinating, and I SO get what it’s like to be observed, questioned so much and so forth, – as I experienced much of that growing up and a some nowadays but with different dimensions . This post made me think a lot about my family experiences. And my eperiences now as an adult. I look forward perhaps someday meeting you all and really chatting offline to share some of my experiences.
    I also hope to visit the South — thank you for sharing a slice of it with us who cannot visit at this point.
    Take care,
    – Kate

  • B says:

    What a fun (and relate-able) read. We are a transracial adoptive family in Richmond, VA and have definitely had similar observations on our travels. One thing I will share, though, is that where we live we seem to be in the happy middle. We do get the “celebrity” attention sometimes. And we do get the comments sometimes. But for the most part we see families like us almost every day. We live in an area where there are SO MANY other transracial adoptive and/or biracial families that it isn’t that big of a deal. We spend a decent amount of time in the D.C. area and it’s the same there, too. It’s actually really, really nice! And so healthy for our kiddos to see other families like ours as well as a great, diverse mix of people from all ethnic, religious, & economic backgrounds.

    And on the parenting observation…this is definitely an area where the mothers are more “involved”. And I’m more of a “let the kids play with sticks out in the woods” kind of mom. My oldest is heading off to a (top-tier) college next month and all of my kids are (IMNSHO) rock stars. So no worries. Let them play with empty boxes by themselves. It’s WONDERFUL to see what they come up with all on their own!!!

  • Rebekah Brummel says:

    We’ve only traveled into the South once since our son has been home from Ethiopia (unless you count Florida :)) We went to KY to see old friends and go to a “Farm Convention” (my husband is a farmer). When visiting friends in Louisville & going to the park/eating out etc.. We felt very accepted & people were very warm. However, at the Farm Convention the temperature changed dramatically. Warm smiles turned into hard glances & we definitely sensed disapproval. My kids are big huggers and when my daughter was walking around with her arm around her brother, occasionally planting a kiss on his cheek (they were only 6 & 7, this would never be the case now that they are 9 & 10) I saw a group of old southern farmers staring at them with what can only be described as disgust. From my experience, WHERE in the South you are matters greatly. The progressive urban neighborhood where we visited friends was a whole different experience than a convention filled with rural farmers.
    (Southern question….there were confederate flags in all shapes and sizes for sale at the convention. Racist symbol or just Southern pride?)

    • Candis says:

      I love your question Rebekah because I’ve long held an opinion about the Confederate flag. The Confederacy declared itself a separate nation and waged a war to make it so. Because Lincoln and Congress were determined to bring that prodigal son of a country (intended pun) back into the fold, they limited punitive impositions on the former rebel nation; thus, the stars and bars is displayed prominently by all who are still awaiting the Second Coming of Jefferson Davis.

      That flag is nothing if not a symbol of defiance and racism. How would the world view a Germany that retained the swastika or a Japan that kept the rising sun on their flags? A defeated nation should be forced to relinquish the symbols of their cause.

      • Heather says:

        Just chiming in to say I am with Candis 100%! We did not see confederate flags— please note we were staying deep in the true heart of Gullah Country — (google Gullah/Gullah Country if interested). The locals are just about all proud black Sea Island folks who have lived there for generations, and would NEVER condone a confederate flag. –Heather

      • Mike says:

        Candice, my wife reads your blog all the time and sent me to this particular entry since we were just discussing this topic ourselves (as a transracial adoptive family). I found the observations quite interesting, especially your son’s. Wise beyond his years I think. But, and I offer this with some hesitancy, I think your reaction to the Confederate flag belies your Northern Liberal perspective. The real answer, especially in this day and age, is “its both, depending.” Yes, there are those waiting for the South to rise again. But they are a very small minority compared with those who simply love the South and the traditional values that come with it (thinking of Braydon’s observations). I certainly can be a symbol of racism. But it doesn’t have to be. I guess, I would offer that your judgement is a broad brush indictment and fails to consider an individual’s beliefs and attitudes and actions. I’m basically a Northerner, but I wouldn’t want folks from the South assuming that I’m a rude, self-absorbed, jerk simply because of some bumper sticker on my car (or other such symbol) that identifies me as a Northerner. FWIW. But thank you for your posts — it is very helpful to hear other’s experiences.

        • Mike says:

          And so I read through again and realize I got all the names messed up..oops. Heather, Candice, sorry. But I think my key point remains valid. It just all depends.

  • Jen Halverson says:

    This was so interesting to read–thank to both of you for taking the time to write out your thoughts and observations.

  • Elizabeth Costantino says:

    I found you blog about biracial family experiences interesting. I was in the same situation 41 years ago with my Black- Vietnamese son. We lived in New York and California but visited Northern Florida, and Georgia where my family lived and I grew up. I was born in 1945 so I experienced a very racist society during my childhood, and when visiting in the South during 70’s and 80’s my relatives were always polite and outwardly accepting though I knew their feelings about race. (Not my parents. My dad was a philosophy professor at the University of Florida) We moved to CA where we had our first racist experience when my son was 5 and it was a real sting which I will never forget. I was stared at by many black people as well as whites when we went out as a family. I was very open with people and always tried to smile, be friendly, calm, and take the opportunity to try to let people know what a positive experience we were having as a family. Now with one set of grandchildren in CA and another in Oregon, I am experiencing be a grandparent of mixed race children. M y grandchildren are mixed, white , and Haitian. The Haitian grandson is 9 and very athletic as was my son. I worry about “black athlete” stereotyping and teachers not expecting enough from him. He is cautious when making friends and I have wondered if he has had some experience or comments that we don’t know about. He is sheltered by his privileged life style and schooling however. Here in CA where we live and my son lives with his mixed family, there is so many mixed race couples and children and a minority populations that is actually a majority. We live in the San Francisco area so I can’t speak for other areas of the state, but here Caucasians are a minority and I don’t think about being as cautious as I was in New York and the South. I know people are certainly much more open-minded now than they were a generation ago which is progress. I am friends still with some of my “racist” friends from the south and I have to say they have changed as well. In fact, some of their children are into biracial relationships which I never imagined would happen. Of course I always worry about my grandchildren’s lives when they are not sheltered by parents and family and constantly think about the best ways to prepare them for adult life. I worry more about their future experiences with law enforcement officers on the streets more than how they will interact with individuals though not sure if this is valid.

  • Maggie says:

    Heather and Braydon:

    I am just getting caught up on the blog now, but thank you so much for sharing this post. I have been thinking SO much about SO many of the things discussed both in your blog post and in these comments recently! Love you guys! Thanks for sharing your experiences! And thanks for sharing Kyle’s perspective! :)

    XOXO
    Maggie

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