Owen & Kyle, Fall 2014, age 10
* * *
Today, we are dealing with the Ferguson decision. It is another sad, sad day for mamas of black boys. Deeply demoralized and shaking scared, we keep on fiercely loving them, and wait and hope for the world to see them as we do.
Today, I received a steady little flow of email from around the world, telling me how much my blog posts over the years are helping to navigate the rocky terrain of thinking through — and talking through with others — the Ferguson decision. That’s pretty humbling in the face of my own uncertainty.
Today, I picked up my beautiful boys from school (4th grade! times two!), sat with them to do their homework (long division! similes and metaphors!), made them a favorite dinner (salmon! green beans!), and tucked them into bed. Each day is such a blessing.
Today, my son Owen saw the front page of the New York Times and asked me, point blank: “Was the guy who was killed black or white?” I had to say, “Black.” If you could have seen the look on his gorgeous soft brown face, you would have felt just as sick to your stomach as I did in that moment. He knows. If you loved my boy — even a little bit — then the look in his deep dark eyes would have tortured your heart and soul just as much as it did mine. I swear it. You’d be inhuman to not feel the pain of it.
Five years ago I wrote this post:
CLICK TO READ HERE http://johnson-mccormick.com/2009/07/cute-little-black-boys-do-grow-up-to-be-black-men/
The summer that I wrote that, Kyle and Owen were five years old. Gosh, they were cute at age five! And as toddlers?! Oh my goodness gracious land sakes alive, they were so very, very downright undeniably adorable! I could not get through an aisle of the grocery store with my two-too-cute-toddlers without at least one (but usually several) people stopping me to “ooooh!” and “aaaah!” over my sweet baby boys. Everyone (not just me) thought they were “ADORABLE!!!” The fact is, they were.
Today, they are ten. When you read the post from 2009 you will understand the significance of ten.
Ten year old twin boys. Here we are. They are all energy all the time. They are larger than life. They are AMAZING. They are getting a handle on the world. And, just as we knew it would, sure enough, the world is getting a handle on them.
It is hard, this thing. We knew it was coming, but that doesn’t help. It is like a storm that you know is rolling in. You first just hear the forecast (and maybe wonder if it is true), then you feel it brewing in the air (and know it is to be), then you see it with your very own eyes (the sky turns grey, the clouds take over, the wind starts whipping). You can get ready, you can prepare, if you are lucky (or privileged, as the case may be) then you can even take cover (we are privileged; we work hard to provide as much shelter as every single resource available to us will allow). You can hunker down and you can do everything right. But it doesn’t stop the storm from coming. It just rolls right in. It is bigger than us. It is more powerful than us. We are just there, relatively defenseless to its forces, attempting to cope as best we can. Hoping we are still standing for it to leave us in its wake.
That’s how it feels right now, at ten.
Right now, I’m just hoping and praying and wishing and trying-to-believe that we’ll somehow be the lucky ones — the parents of black boys who are lucky enough to watch them grow up and still be standing in its wake some day. I’m scared to hope for too much, but maybe someday we’ll be talking together about the challenges of raising their children, our grandchildren.
For now, for today, we are just trying to get through this. This period of time when we watch as our precious sons grow out of being cute little black boys in the eyes of the world. They grow up to be black men. Trust me, it is hard to watch.
In some ways, like all ten-year-olds, they are still so little.
Except, that they are not.
In addition to being ten, Kyle and Owen are big. They are just about the same height as me, and their feet are bigger than mine. They wear size 14 clothes, and their strong, athletic muscles are rippling.
We’ve hit the turning point. I’ve watched it happen. I’ve witnessed it first-hand. Over the past several months my sweet little adorable babies went from being perceived as just that, to being perceived just as I’ve long dreaded.
It has started.
I’ve been in the store and watched from a short distance as they’ve been followed. (Yes, already.)
I’ve heard it over the intercom system: “Security Alert. Section C. Security Alert.” (Yes, already.)
I’ve stood behind them as they’ve been stopped in line, being perfectly obedient, but being questioned. (Yes, already.)
I’ve watched as they’ve been wrongly accused. As the worst has been wrongly assumed. As the fault has been wrongly blamed.
The looks. The hesitation. The ever-so-slight facial expressions. The too-quick-to-judge.
It has only just begun.
It doesn’t matter that they go to an elite private school.
It doesn’t matter that they are straight-A students.
It doesn’t matter that they have white parents.
It doesn’t matter that they are well-travelled, worldly, well-dressed, polished, polite, poised. It doesn’t matter that their vocabulary is incredibly well-developed, that they have eaten in fine restaurants, have met famous authors, have seen world-class performances, know the names of the classic European composers and philosophers, know how to shake a hand and look someone in the eye and use their best manners when needed. It doesn’t matter that they are cloaked with class privilege and all of the advantages that go with it.
It doesn’t matter that they are gorgeous and charming and organically charismatic. It doesn’t matter that they are gifted and talented and have off-the-chart-IQs and that the world should be their oyster. It doesn’t matter. Still, they are followed, suspected, questioned, accused, judged, and — yes, already — feared. They are black. They are ten.
Maybe you think I’m crazy to say this. Maybe. Maybe you should try being the mother of ten-year-old black boys for a little while, and then see what you think.
You can’t write me off as an “angry black woman” because I’m not black. I am angry. And I am a woman. But I’ll tell you this: I’m white, I grew up around white people, I know white culture, I am embedded in whiteness. And what I see, feel, witness, and experience… it is real. If there is anything I know, it is that I know this is real. You can’t tell me it isn’t true because I am an insider and I know it is true.
My sons, no matter how authentically fantastic they are, are still black. They can’t get away with experimenting with how they dress, and they definitely can’t play with guns (at least not outside the walls of our home; their safe space, their oasis).
We can’t let them experiment too much, we can’t let them take many chances. We don’t have that luxury. Because they’re black. We have to tell them the truth: you’ll be judged quicker, you’ll be perceived more harshly, keep your hands out of your pockets, keep your hood down, no fast movements, never run, racism exists and it isn’t to be messed around with. We’ve got your back, but even we can only do so much. We are limited in how much we can protect you. No matter how much we try, no matter how much we love you, no matter how precious you are to us, no matter.
My sons are growing up to be black men. And they need to be prepared for what they could (almost certainly, will) encounter. We’d be gravely, woefully, unforgivingly failing them if we weren’t to prepare them for reality. At ten, they are in process. And it is heart-wrenching. Because I know the truth. I know that even though they’re black boys sporting hard-core bball jerseys, with biceps that are already popping, and locs that are getting long, they are also sweet, kitten-loving, nurturing, fragile spirits with hearts and souls of pure gold.
I know that even though they are ten-year-old black boys, they are still my babies.
But the world doesn’t see them as I do. No matter how perfectly they present themselves, no matter how spectacular they are, they will be disproportionately extremely LESS SAFE than if they were white. Kyle and Owen’s stellar reputations and hard-earned achievements and family-privilege will not necessarily get them as far as they choose or could go. Because the world might just choose for them and against them — in ways that would simply not occur if they were white. That is what it means to be entangled in structural, entrenched, historic, and systemic racism. No amount of privilege — or charm, or charisma, or pure raw talent — can protect them from the fact that they are black boys.
In this way, despite how extraordinary they are, despite their stunning life stories, despite all that they have going for them, they are no different than any other black boy.
Today is another sad, sad day for mamas of black boys. Deeply demoralized and shaking scared, we keep on fiercely loving them, and wait and hope for the world to see them as we do.
love you and love the boys…..
As soon as I read the headline I thought of your boys, and my heart deflated. And I genuinely don’t know how you do it personally, but also blog about it. You’re so brave. Thank you
this touched me deeply. As a mother of two black young men who were raised ” in the hood” but was never part of the ” hood”… They didn’t have the privileges that your sons have, but I was determined that they would not be a statistic. How foolish of me to think that I could. My sons now 25 and 20, one in college the other a college graduate and chemist and the most ” nerdy” person I know tell me how they are stopped and frisked at least once a month. And they say this as if it’s just part of every day life, they come to expect it. It doesn’t matter to any of the cops… Always white for some reason that their father is a retired member of the same police force…. It’s a sad world in which we live, but I thank God every day that despite this both men still dream big dreams!!! There is still hope! You’re doing a great job! Thank you for your honesty!
You are raising two black males that will be wonderful role models for their children ,that’s a great start.
I just wanted to speak up for the thousands upon thousands upon thousands of Black men and women that raise sons and daughters that will be wonderful role models for their children. Everyday and everywhere. With incredible grace and dignity. Can you imagine raising your children to perpetually forgive others for perceiving them as criminal before one thing about their character is known? Yet if you have ever heard a Black person say to their child “They’re just ignorant, honey” you have been privvy to an incredible act of grace. The thousand cuts are acknowledged and forgiven, but not forgotten. The rest of us need to catch on and catch up.
You are such a good mama…..We feel your concern.
As always, this is so well written. I had to share it on Facebook. I only wish the world could change a little bit faster. (((hugs)))
So beautifully written.
dreaming of a more just world …
You express my thoughts and emotions so well. My sons are now 13 and 15, very tall and athletic, so look older, and even with talking to them about this and having them at Heritage Camps where this was gone over, I fear for them. They both have attitude and I’m so afraid it will get them hurt or killed.
I’m so touched by your post.
Great stuff, important to read, but tying this into ferguson is disingenuous and a little offensive. In america, we charge people with crimes on evidence, not to heal wounds or to make statements about progress. Cultural racism is harmful and this article does a great job expressing that. It doesn’t need to to depend on reckless assumptions about others – the very thing these kids will face their entire lives.
How is it disingenuous and offensive to be fearful for her sons in the wake, of yet another, black boy killed? Ferguson and the aftermath is all about the fear of black men. It is all part of the same discussion.
Are you saying that shooting an unarmed youth was not a crime? I don’t think that the officer’s culpability was ever in question. The legal question was whether there were extenuating circumstances. Thanks to a biased prosecution that question will never be properly argued.
Have you read the Grand Jury transcripts? I think it is premature to make a judgment until you (and others) have read the complete transcript. At this time I do not believe the entire transcript has been released. I think what occurred in Ferguson was horrible and I understand the fear it created for black youth (and adults) but I want to read all of the testimony before I conclude that the prosecution was biased. As a researcher I want to hit the pause button and read the transcripts before I draw a conclusion.
Well said, Lynde. I concerns me greatly that so many draw conclusions from headlines and Facebook memes.
And just how do you aim to come to a “conclusion” from reading the entirety of a biased transcript, Lynde? The fact that we’re not going to have a trial is all anyone has to know. We’ll never hear Darren Wilson be cross-examined as to why an unarmed man would possibly “reach for his waist.” 16 witnesses said Michael Brown’s hands were up. So what if there were conflicting reports? That’s entirely normal and what we have trials and cross-examination for. Your bias is already apparent. You’re assuming that 16 different people must have been lying…because they contradict Wilson’s police-boilerplate that Brown was “reaching for his waist.” Have you seen the size of Darren Wilson? We’ve heard ad nauseam what a “giant” Mike Brown was and how he was “charging” Wilson who “feared for his life.” Utter boilerplate. Darren Wilson is a giant! He dwarfs everyone around him. If a towering robust 6’3″ man armed with a gun was that afraid, he had no business being a police man. And if he wasn’t afraid, we all know where he belongs. The purpose of an indictment is not to determine “beyond a reasonable doubt” if a conviction can be secured. You’ve already bought into a false narrative if they’ve hoodwinked you into thinking you can draw any conclusion from conflicting reports, let alone their “conclusion.”
Are you kidding? There is a national epidemic of black men and children being shot by the police. Look at the 12 year old in Ohio – the cops waited a whole 2 seconds before they killed that child. I am also a white mother to two bi-racial children who white people just identify as black. For you to try to tell this mother that she is disingenuous and offensive is disgusting. How about you try listening to what she is actually saying – we are deathly afraid of what the police might do to our children! Our 13 year old son has ADHD and deficits in executive function skills. If a cop stops him, he will shut down and that could get him killed. He wouldn’t have to do anything wrong and he could be killed. We are desperate to stop this and your discounting of our reality is part of the problem. Try listening for once.
I have the same fear for my 3rd son. (all biracial sons) He has difficulties with verbal expression and he shuts down too.
As he gets older I’m terrified for his safety.
Thank you.
I remember them as little ones. I can only imagine your fears. They are beautiful boys, and I pray for their safety.
Thank you for this post. I’ve shared it out to my friends and family. Even though I don’t have boys, I do have two of the kindest, funniest daughters who are black. They are 8 and 9–our 9 year old looks like she’s 11. So, it’s starting. We’ve had a woman who was napping at a resort at a roller skating rink. Her handbag was on the table in front of her. There was an empty sofa where we could put on our skates. My girls got there before me and she pulled her purse into her arms when she briefly woke because people were near. Now, there were about 15 other people around–but she did that to my girls. As I sat down, I said, “Don’t worry, we won’t take your purse.” in an undertone. She looked at me and quickly closed her eyes again. It’s disheartening. And, am so afraid they will get the labels associated with black women–when, like you, I am much more of an angry person!
Thank you again.
This post made me cry.
Have been thinking a lotof you/this/my nephews, all the little and big black boys the mamas and papis everywhere…..
Heart wrenching, unfair, not okay, appalling, too much….
xoxoxoxo
This was so beautiful, Heather. Thank you so much for sharing your words with us. I so appreciate your ability and bravery to write about such a gut-wrenching topic. xo
A thousand thank you’s for voicing our shared feelings. My beautiful black twin angels are 5. I too am frightened the world will not judge their character to disastrous consequence. But I will love them with all I can! !
Thank you, you put into words what I have been thinking and so beautifully expressed.
I am a woman and I am raising a girl but I am a black woman with a Black father, uncles, cousins, nephews and many Black male adult friends whom I love and worry about. It is real, and sad and scary and depressing. This is extremely well-written (as always) and a very emotional piece. Thank you for sharing this and breaking it down to the one basic fact: skin color is the bottom line and all that is needed for many to judge and harass and extinguish. Hugs to your boys and all the families around the world who are reeling.
“My sons, no matter how authentically fantastic they are, are still black.”
I don’t doubt you love your kids, but please rethink that comment. Maybe the wording came out wrong.
She said it perfectly. The only thing most of the white world will ever see is that they are “black” in all the meanings of that word for white people. Nothing else about them matters in this perception. That’s what she’s saying.
Right on, Lisa.
As in, take out the “still” because it implies that the social meaning of being Black is somehow their fault?
Exactly!
Heather is a sociologist. And a darn good one. I imagine that she is fully aware of the implications of the social meaning of her words. And I disagree with you – I don’t think that by using the word “still” she is implying that it is their fault at all.
Wow. What a touching, well written, and heartfelt post. My eyes filled with tears. I have 4 black brothers, and I know they have dealt with racism, and it breaks my heart. I am very protective and close to my youngest brother, and he has talked about his encounters with it. They are, like your sons, responsible well spoken and polite young men. Some people just can’t see beyond their color. Some people can see beyond their color. As parents, and family members, you can only protect them from this reality for so long. It is important to remind them of how wonderful and loved young men that they are, and that they know they have a good support system of those that see them for who they really are. Owen and Kyle are fortunate to have you both as parents, who seem to have a realistic grasp of this delicate issue of race and racism.
Heather this was difficult to read and I am sure difficult to write. It moved me to tears. Thank you for being the person you are.
Thank you, Heather, for saving me the effort of articulating the angst–the fear. I don’t want my 10 year old to be let off the hook when he is wrong and deserves correction, but I cannot bear the slights, the lowered expectations, the assumption that any misbehavior is pathological.
If being a black young man is the stereotype of a thug, then how do we stereotype the frat boys at UVA? Oh, right, we don’t.
P.S. Colin says to tell his “cousins” hi and that he likes their ties (in the top photo).
Candis, I think we are soul sisters! My thoughts exactly. Tell Colin his cousins say “hi!”
hbj
Dear Heather, thank you for taking the time and effort to write this post, I can only imagine how much emotion it takes to write this and put it out there to be received by us all. I’m thinking of Kyle and Owen and your whole family. It’s such a sad sad day. I just want to say, I hear what you are writing, the meaning. You are a wonderful mother. Thank you for posting this.
– Kate
After my 3rd attempt (lots of tears ) i was finally able to finish your honest gut wrenching article. Horace S. shared this with me and it truly captures the harsh reality of raising black sons. I felt like you were telling our story. Our son Isaiah is also 10, plays piano, speaks Mandarin, is in AAP classes, loves Regular Show has an amazing sense of humor and sadly despite his accomplishments now and in the future his blackness will always be seen as menacing. Having to look into his innocent face and explain why he may be targeted because of the way he looks is one of the most difficult conversations we’ve had with him. Thank you thank you for sharing your thoughts and i wish you and your family a wonderful life. Praying for a peaceful and accepting world.
Oh my gosh, Fran! Thank you for your comment– it is an honor to hear from Horace’s Significant Other!! I didn’t realize our sons are all the same age– amazing. And what a tough age for our boys. We are in this struggle together. Thank you for reaching out. Please give Horace a hug for me! Lots of love to you three. ~Heather
Hi Heather…Apologies for now responding. Horace sends his love as well. Please continue sharing your thoughts and your beautiful writing. Oh and one more thing, thanks for the book recommendations !!! All the best….Fran
Our daughter has an adopted four year old Ethiopian boy they have had since he was 14 months old.
He is very tall for his age, in fact, the tallest in his preschool.
We were wondering at what age did you start telling your sons about those other facts of life ?
Please stay in touch, as my wife and I loved reading your thoughts and concerns.
Bob & Cindy Rochelle
32508 1st Pl. S.
Federal Way, Wa, 98003
Hi,
When you said, “We can’t let them experiment too much, we can’t let them take many chances.” That makes me sad, because it sets a feeling of them being raised with a sense of over-protection & fear. I know friends who were raised with over-protecting parents & all they ended up doing was experimenting and rebeling once they moved away from their parents. Being raised with trust, always brought such greater results in becoming so much more trustworthy. I would be interested to see how successful black men see your approach. The country is so divided right now, but is that a vision we want accept as in and encourage to live by?
-Sarah
My heart is so heavy for my 10 year old black boy and your 10 year old black boys.
Thank you for writing this Heather….we live in Italy….the backlash against immigrants is getting worse with the economic crisis and there are politicians who sustain that Italian blacks do not exist (my son is Ethiopian-born, has been naturalized Italian). My son is turning twelve years old this year and I fear the backlash will hit him when he starts high school in a couple of years.
take care, big hugs to the boys and Meera
Thank you for writing this..we have adopted two children from Uganda..and you have said what I have felt..thank you.
Kudos to you and taking on the task of raising your beautiful children. If you have not done so, please read “Whistling Vivaldi” by Claude Steele to give you and the boys a common vocabulary for handling confronting negative stereotypes. I’m doing my part to educate the academic world, but to have this in the arsenal for your fight will be especially helpful.
Your story is very well written. I wish nothing but the best for you and your boys. I, too, have boys that have experienced what you write about. They are now in their 20s. My boys grew up with similar circumstances as yours. The difference in my story is that I am a black woman. I was raised and chose to live in a privileged white environment. I also have a daughter. And trust me, I have experienced what your boys are going beginning to experience. So has my daughter. I’ve been watched, followed, asked incredibly ignorant questions. This all boils down to fear of differences. Unfortunately, this fear perpetuates itself and we sweep it under the rug until a child dies when people deal with their fear in violent ways. I look forward to the day when this fear is addressed openly. It is the only way to quell the fear.
To compare the Ferguson situation in any way to your children is a big mistake. Michael Brown being portrayed as a unarmed black teenager is less than a half truth. This young man lived in a household with a convicted felon drug dealer and known member of the blood gang. He had drugs in his system. He had just robbed a convenience store and roughed up the owner who was half his size. His DNA was found on the officers gun and inside his car. I believe that sometimes good people do bad things, but Michael Brown was raised in a bad situation, and taught poor values as a result. It is his own actions and the failure of his own family that led to that day. Now unfortunately the life of a young police officer is ruined. With no evidence to support the claim, he is being called a racist murderer. I do not know what any young white man would make the decision to become a police office when they are vilified for doing their job while risking their lives on a daily basis.
By the way those announcements in stores are random recordings to scare anyone thinking of stealing (ask anyone who works in a store). I add to this I am an adoptive parent of three African American children. If my children get stopped by an office they will do as asked, they will respond with a yes sir or yes officer and when they are done they will thank the officer for keeping the neighborhood safe. I am not foolish enough to believe that there are not bad police officers with ill intentions towards other races, I would ask that all of the people supporting Michael Brown not be so foolish to believe that this young man was innocent when the overwhelming and incontrovertible evidence (he is on camera) shows that he was not. If he had not committed that robbery, if he had not been walking down the middle of the road and obstructing traffic, and if he had not attacked a police officer he would be alive today. If there is a lesson we should be teaching our children, it should not be to fear police officers, it should be to not be like Michael Brown. I will not teach my children to assume the worst in people to assume they will be discriminated against, to assume others are racist. I will teach my children how they can change the perceptions of others one interaction at a time. The will not be defined by their color but by their character.
Jason,
I applaud your post and I couldn’t agree more. If Ferguson brings attention to anything, it should be: regardless of the color of your skin, respect authority in any form and you shouldn’t have problem with living your life as an upstanding citizen. My daughter is 13 and white, like myself, but yet at the mall last week her and a white 13 yr old friend were followed around a store as well…. again, they are white. I appreciate the fact Heather that you are raising your boys with an outstanding education and travel opportunities, lessons on how to behave in a restaurant, manners and respect. If all parents raised their children that way, white or black, are future leaders will prevail.
You’d be doing your black children a disservice to tell them “not to fear” a police officer. You’re absolutely right regarding how to behave around the police but precisely because police, like most American whites, have racist biases, conscious or unconscious. You need to make sure your black children know they will be misjudged and need to be that much more on guard.
Lets be clear, every human being has biases. I have lived in several states with my children. My children have been bullied by black children because their parents are white. I have had black people scream horrible things at our family as we are out walking that were derogatory to our mixed race family. I have had numerous black people in stores make horrible comments to us about stealing black babies, yet I have never had a single white person say anything negative. So I can tell you this is not just an “American white” issue as you framed it above. By teaching your children to fear police you are teaching them the same biases that you claim to condemn. If that means that I am doing my child a disservice by not intentionally teaching them those same biases then call me a bad parent, I am pretty sure I will not lose any sleep over that opinion.
Jason-
I think the “everyone is equally prejudiced” rejoinder denies history, including our recent history which legally sanctioned racism against blacks. The attempts to make all prejudice equivalent is an insult to thinking people and people still living who fought to secure equal rights. Do you really believe American society is fundamentally fair not even 50 years after the US Congress secured the right of blacks to vote? And that we all have equal opportunities (and no white privilege exists)? I would agree with you we shouldn’t damage our kids, and teach them pessimism regarding whites but what about a little realism? When your kids report how hard it is for casually-dressed black men to get cabs are you going to deny that experience?
I do not see where I ever said everyone is EQUALLY prejudiced, nor did I say that no white privilege exists. And life is not fair. We can only work to try to fight discrimination and it will always be present at some level, but I refuse to let my children grow up being victims. You have to take the hand that life deals you and make the most of it. It is not fair others are smarter, better looking, more charismatic, born into privilege while others are born into poverty and it is not fair others get racial privilege. “That’s not fair” is something that as a child was quickly stricken from my vocabulary by my father and it one of the best lessons that I have ever learned.
wow, assuming all whites are racists? should all whites assume all blacks are racists? Perhaps you should assume that nobody is a racist until proven otherwise.
thank you!
The point of this post is not about Ferguson – which you probably knew but decided to start something anyway. That’s the great thing about the Internet, you can be a troll and post things that have no bearing on the topic just to get a rise out of people.
I hope you continue to live your life of not being discriminated against because of the color of your skin. Not everyone is so lucky.
The claim that Mike Brown had just robbed a convenience store is false:
“Attorney for the Ferguson store, Jake Kanzler, said the Ferguson store owner, nor any store employee called the police to report any shoplifting of cigars, but, rather, a customer called the police.” (here.)
Absolutely NO stolen things presented as evidence in the grand jury testimony (link to evidence above).
Even if this were true, the core issue remains: since when is robbery punishable by death? Most people are using the “robbed a convenience store” argument to imply that Brown was thus “a criminal.” How many people have stolen things from convenience stores? How many young White girls have stolen lipgloss from a pharmacy? Come on.
When Darren Wilson shot Mike Brown, he saw a large black man, felt threatened and shot him. He did not ask questions, he did not know about Mike Brown’s family background or convictions. He saw a black man and he shot. Very sadly, these boys look like large black men. Their handsomeness, their kindness, their intelligence and their manners are nothing against a police officer with a gun. A threatened police officer will not ask. A threatened police officer who does not question his racial biases will not care. This happens every day. A mother – or any person who cares about any black person – is rightfully terrified. Can you imagine what it’s like to wake up every day having to consider the possibility that your child will not come back home? And furthermore, that there is absolutely nothing you can do to help if they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation with a police officer?
What happened in Ferguson, unfortunately, is directly relevant to every person who has loved a black boy or black man. It could happen to any of us. These are the facts.
thank you for this post. Thank you for your understanding of what a woman goes through as a mother of a child of color.
Thank you as a white daddie of a adorable eight year old black boy, I needed this.
Thank you so much for writing this. This post and perspective is truly a gift both to our society and to me.
I cannot believe how the years have flown. You surely have one gorgeous family and with mile-high expectations for your three precious kids.
I can’t really KNOW how you feel..but I can surely imagine.
I look forward to reading your blog. Keep me in the loop!
Love, Phyllis
This was a very touching story and point of view of the black condition of not only black males but their entire families and communities.
Clearly, you and your husband are doing your best. Thank you.
Since I believe the sincerity of your concerns for your young men, I am compelled to comment on your post and I look forward to reading what comes next for your twins.
In your recent post, you’ve explained how you have educated them on predominantly Euro-American culture to make them accepted by your peers as much as possible. Unfortunately, your efforts have not discouraged racism towards your young men.
In respect to the wellbeing of your ever growing beautiful black men, I hope in the next five years, you and your family focus on educating your young men on their black history. I don’t use the word “focus” lightly. I strongly believe there must be a conscious effort made to educate them on the earth changing exploits of the black human beings on this planet in the past, present and onward. There is way more to black history than 400 years of American slavery.
Teach them. Teach them the truth. Teach them that you and your family are able to raise two young men do to the confidence, self-worth your families have instilled in you. Many black parents have done the same with their children but as you know, society has had their own racist agenda to diminish or incriminate their human worth which in turn has negatively affected many black communities.
“There are two answers to the things they will teach you about our land: the real answer and the answer you give in school to pass. You must read books and learn both answers. I will give you books, excellent books… “They will teach you that a white man called Mungo Park discovered River Niger. That is rubbish. Our people fished in the Niger long before Mungo Park’s grandfather was born. But in your exam, write that it was Mungo Park.” – Quote from Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
By teaching them your Euro-American culture you have empowered them at school. By teaching them black culture, you will empower them socially and mentally. This empowerment will provide them with the piece of mind and confidence to be strong willed men who will do the right thing not the thing to just keep them out of trouble with racists and law enforcement.
From your experiment at the store; you’ve exposed a, sometimes unconscious, systematic criminalizing of black people. And I’m sure your parents and influencers have thought you, once incriminated, very few can achieve the form of success which is socially acceptable by Euro-Americans today, a good education, a good paying job and contributing to the future by voting in government elections.
I believe it is possible for racists to raise black children. I know you are not racist but you know many of your neighbors are. Your young men need to be able to identify them in order to, work with them, convert them or avoid them. Focusing on the beautiful & powerful black human journey will give them the knowledge that will solidify self-worth and empowerment to increase their chances of success.
Ray, I don’t know who you are but I do know (simply from your comments) that you don’t know us, nor have you read our blog for very long. If you knew us, or even knew us at the most superficial (from reading our blog) you’d know that one of our main foci (and probably our central most mission) in raising our sons has always been a core emphasis on black history, African-American history, and Haitian history. Trust me, they know more about those topics than most adults (including black adults) that I know. Any of our long-time blog readers (let alone anyone who knows us in real life) will back me up 100% on this, I am sure. ~Heather
I would like to back Heather up on this, as soon as I read your comment Ray, I thought ‘well you clearly have never read this blog’
I’ve never known of a family who is more willing to have the tough and honest conversations about family and their country’s cruel history than the J-M’s. You wouldn’t have to look far on this blog to see the boys dressed up as Toussaint L’Ouverture for Halloween or records of deep dinnertime conversations about race and identity.
(Ps Heather, I had to come back and read the comments because I knew you were taking a huge (but warranted) risk by publishing this, and people with axes to grind would be drawn to your writing, hope you’re keeping a good distance from what is written)
Thank you Nicola Greenberg. I know you and my long-time blog readers have got my back on this one. Putting these things out there is always a risk. And the more viral they get, the more exposure, and the more the Haters come out. I knew this one was risky, but I had to do it. I’m prepare to “shake it off” (!! Hello Taylor Swift!!)… But I SO very much appreciate the support from my long-time readers and my real-life inner circle. Hugs to you far across the sea! Xxxxxxx -Heather
I will also comment on this topic. I’ve been a long time reader and Heather has done much to educate her family…not just her boys…on not only American History, but also African American and Haitian History. One of my favorite posts was the day trip to Fort Sumter in SC so that one of the boys could deepen his knowledge and understanding of the beginnings of the Civil War. Heather has gone above and beyond to make sure her children know their roots. I feel she has done a better job of this than most African American parents.
Ray,
Your comment was very compelling, but I do wish that you had read oh, about 9 years worth of Heather’s blog posts before drafting your comment. Anyone who has been following this blog for years knows that Heather and Braydon have instilled in K&O a deep love of black/African/Carribean history. I believe that they’ve done nothing but “focus on the beautiful & powerful black human journey”, all while staying humble about their own background and privilege. You would probably find it quite remarkable if you took the time to read back through year’s worth of blog entries.
Considering this post (beautiful, honest, and very compelling BTW) has gone viral, Ray and many others [including myself] may not find it practical to read 9 years worth of Heather’s blog. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Ray’s comments were pretty generalized and not meant to be an insult or suggest that Heather and her husband were not teaching them about their cultural history… The comment seemed to blindly say “these things are important too: xyz”. Which they definitely are and it’s wonderful that these two great children are being taught those things as well.
It’s one of those things that’s worth being said because you never know who it could help
Probably not actually directed towards Heather’s parenting (though grammatically it did appear that way), but to all of the moms and dads that are raising black children. In essence it was an opinionated statement asserting another core value that can be instilled into the black children we are raising to help prevent the potential frustration they may experience by growing up in their black skin and not understanding why that’s the only thing sometimes someone sees when hey look at them – their black skin.
I am with you on everything except saying that the Ferguson decision was in any way related to all of this. “The man who was shot was black” ok. Let’s keep turning the paper and you’ll read about another shooting where the man who was shot was white. Or Hispanic. Or Persian. A recent study showed cops are SLOWER to shoot when the target in question is Black.
As far as Ferguson goes… a 12-man jury of peers deliberated for weeks with ALL the evidence. Every shred of it that anyone on either side could dig up. And they found that there wasn’t enough proof of wrongdoing to drag these families through a trial. This wasn’t a jury of white policemen. It was a jury of black and white women and men– it was a jury of peers. How dare we presume to have more insight into this case when we have nothing to go on that the media (always in search of a sensational story) hasn’t given us? What difference does it make that the man shot was black? It was a complicated situation — had it gone to trial like the Trayvon Martin case did– then the public would have been up in arms that then he either was or was not convicted. At least this way a man’s family wasn’t dragged through a criminal trial. If we want to be truly colorblind we need to take ourselves out of the judge’s bench and submit to our nation’s justice system that puts faith in 12 perspectives rather than just one.
!) It matters because this isn’t about one single Black man being shot and killed by police. It is about systemic racism and implicit bias that influence people, including police officers, to make wrong judgments on Black men and react in ways they wouldn’t for White men.
2) ALL the evidence? Not by a long shot. They had all the evidence that was provided to them by the prosecutor, who decided to play defense lawyer. There are serious suspicions of wrong-doing covering the whole Grand Jury fiasco.
3) Again, it makes a difference that he was Black because this is a pattern, not an anomaly. Way too many Black men are being shot by police. Yes, the police are shooting too many people. That also needs to be addressed.
4) It should have gone to trial. Do you know how easy it is to get an indictment? It should be a given. It’s almost a matter of formality. The prosecutor did not want it to go to trial, so it didn’t. There is a lot of suspicion around him, too.
5) No, we do not want to be colorblind. Being colorblind perpetuates the system of racism. Ignoring race allows biases to continue and systemic racism to flourish. “I don’t see race” means that we don’t see the imbalances, we don’t notice the patterns and ask the hard questions. Being colorblind means we allow White people to remain supreme and keep people of color oppressed. Because I can’t notice that the color of a person’s skin really does make an impact on their life.
6) By this point, anyone who still has faith in the justice system has lost all credibility with me. If one cannot, or refuses to, see that the justice system is deeply flawed and not worthy of our blind trust, then that person is severely out of touch with what is going on.
7) Please, if you are the parent of a child of color, please, please, please, educate yourself in this regard. Your point of view will not help your child. If you are not the parent of a child of color, please, please, please, educate yourself in this regard. Your point of view will not help our children.
Yes yes yes to all these points. But to point #7 a humungous huge YES YES YES YES YES!!! ~heather
So true. Then add in delays, challenges, PTSD etc. And it magnifies. Our kids don’t get to be kids. Our kids don’t get to be free. In a similar vein, I wrote about how we don’t get to be the famous free-range parents like everyone else, offering our kids a carefree childhood: http://mommymeansit.com/the-dark-side-of-free-range-parenting-hint-not-everybody-gets-to-do-it/
I identify so much with what you have written. As the white Mom of a 15 year old black son and a 13 year old black daughter, I have seen them be admired as the cutest babies and toddlers around. Like your son, my son has always been big for his age. At 15, he is 6′, 225 lbs, with size 13 feet. His body looks like a young man but his face still shows a lot of little boy. Yes, the perceptions have really changed now that both are in their teens. I worry about them out in the big bad world. Will the schools write them off prematurely if they are struggling in a subject? If they are in a store, why must they always be followed until I turn up beside them, vouching for them with my whiteness? Will a police officer or an overzealous Neighborhood Watch cop wannabe mistake the Skittles in my son’s hand for a gun? Each new tragedy of black male teens being killed basically for being black makes me feel more afraid for my children.
Thank you for this post! As another white mom of black boys, I too have seen them be watched, followed, questioned, etc. and they are 10&14.
I try to instill in them the life lessons they need, they too are good kids, respect others, and not troublemakers. I fear that they will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and so continue to teach them how to deal with people – store owners, police, etc.
I always tell them – I would rather bail you out of jail then identify you at the morgue.
i so agree with you. I am a white mom of black and Hispanic children. Triplet and twines. Now 9 and 10. The whole is so different form them now. But u stay on them to stay polite and respectful to everyone. Sometimes they think it is just me being controlling they do not see what u do. One gets very defensive when questioned. I try to explain to him to be confident calm and not to let these thing bother him. But it as you say. Our private school. Money and love may not be enough. But u get my prayers going that mine will be seen as the respectful educated men and women they are. Well said mom of twin boys
That’s a beautiful peace of writing.
I don’t condone any rioting ever, but back boys are in so much more danger than white kids, for the first time in my life I could picture myself picking up a brick. It must really hurt to have to worry about your kids more, knowing that thing will always be just a little tougher for them, a little more unpleasant than it needs to be.
Hi Heather,
I’m a friend and colleague of your Dad’s and saw this blog post on Knute’s Ogren’s FB page. I, like many of your responders, am a White parents raising kids of color (Haitian and Puerto Rican) and I (also like many of your readers) was moved to tears by your writing. You are such a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your experiences, and your fears. I have shared your blog post on my own FB and would also like to share it with my transracial adoption group if that’s ok. It’s clear from all of these responses that you are touching a chord with so many people. I hope that this and other stories like it will spread far and wide with the hope of making this a more compassionate and just society. God bless you and your family!
Joyce DeGreeff
Heather,
Thank you for writing this post. I know it must have been very hard and emotional for you to do this. You’ve explained what every Black parent goes through. I remember as a little girl, my father sitting my brothers down and explaining to them how to act when they would be stopped by a policeman. He said the following: “When you are stopped, keep your hands visible at all times. When the policeman asks to see your license, ask permission to get the license from your glove compartment. Then tell the policeman, ‘I’m getting my wallet from the glove compartment.’ Keep one hand on the steering wheel. Once you have your wallet, tell the policeman, ‘I’ve got my wallet in my hand.’ Ask the policeman permission to bring the wallet from the glove compartment…..” My dad grew up in the Jim Crow south and knew what it would take to keep my brothers alive.
I would like to conclude this post by saying that Kyle and Owen are lucky to have you as their mother. And I know that you feel that you are lucky to have Kyle and Owen as your sons.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you Sharon. Affirmation is so powerful — thank you for affirming me. ~Heather
I am praying for us. Thank you for this story and photos. I’m hopeful. God bless you and all our children who are targets. May God always protect them and let them develop and enjoy life. These writings are reaching many.
As a white woman who has only relatively recently begun to wake up to the dire consequences of a “colorblind” upbringing and as an educator who knows your sweet, beautiful sons personally I am moved beyond words at your writing. Thank you for your brave and loving eloquence. ~Julia
Heather, This is a brave and wonderful post. I’ve often used your posts to talk about racism with my younger daughter and her friends. This one is going to be central to discussing race and systemic racism in her English class next week. Thanks for discussing this so eloquently and lovingly. I’m glad to know you, even just long-distance now.
Wow. This is a very powerful eye-opener. Thanks for writing this.