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Cute Little Black Boys Do Grow Up To Be Black Men, PART II — And Now, They Are Ten

Posted by | November 25, 2014 | BAMBINOS | 275 Comments

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Owen & Kyle, Fall 2014, age 10

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Today, we are dealing with the Ferguson decision. It is another sad, sad day for mamas of black boys. Deeply demoralized and shaking scared, we keep on fiercely loving them, and wait and hope for the world to see them as we do.

Today, I received a steady little flow of email from around the world, telling me how much my blog posts over the years are helping to navigate the rocky terrain of thinking through — and talking through with others — the Ferguson decision. That’s pretty humbling in the face of my own uncertainty.

Today, I picked up my beautiful boys from school (4th grade! times two!), sat with them to do their homework (long division! similes and metaphors!), made them a favorite dinner (salmon! green beans!), and tucked them into bed. Each day is such a blessing.

Today, my son Owen saw the front page of the New York Times and asked me, point blank: “Was the guy who was killed black or white?” I had to say, “Black.” If you could have seen the look on his gorgeous soft brown face, you would have felt just as sick to your stomach as I did in that moment. He knows. If you loved my boy — even a little bit — then the look in his deep dark eyes would have tortured your heart and soul just as much as it did mine. I swear it. You’d be inhuman to not feel the pain of it.

Five years ago I wrote this post:

CLICK TO READ HERE http://johnson-mccormick.com/2009/07/cute-little-black-boys-do-grow-up-to-be-black-men/

The summer that I wrote that, Kyle and Owen were five years old. Gosh, they were cute at age five! And as toddlers?! Oh my goodness gracious land sakes alive, they were so very, very downright undeniably adorable! I could not get through an aisle of the grocery store with my two-too-cute-toddlers without at least one (but usually several) people stopping me to “ooooh!” and “aaaah!” over my sweet baby boys. Everyone (not just me) thought they were “ADORABLE!!!” The fact is, they were.

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Today, they are ten. When you read the post from 2009 you will understand the significance of ten.

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Ten year old twin boys. Here we are. They are all energy all the time. They are larger than life. They are AMAZING. They are getting a handle on the world. And, just as we knew it would, sure enough, the world is getting a handle on them.

It is hard, this thing. We knew it was coming, but that doesn’t help. It is like a storm that you know is rolling in. You first just hear the forecast (and maybe wonder if it is true), then you feel it brewing in the air (and know it is to be), then you see it with your very own eyes (the sky turns grey, the clouds take over, the wind starts whipping). You can get ready, you can prepare, if you are lucky (or privileged, as the case may be) then you can even take cover (we are privileged; we work hard to provide as much shelter as every single resource available to us will allow). You can hunker down and you can do everything right. But it doesn’t stop the storm from coming. It just rolls right in. It is bigger than us. It is more powerful than us. We are just there, relatively defenseless to its forces, attempting to cope as best we can. Hoping we are still standing for it to leave us in its wake.

That’s how it feels right now, at ten.

Right now, I’m just hoping and praying and wishing and trying-to-believe that we’ll somehow be the lucky ones — the parents of black boys who are lucky enough to watch them grow up and still be standing in its wake some day. I’m scared to hope for too much, but maybe someday we’ll be talking together about the challenges of raising their children, our grandchildren.

For now, for today, we are just trying to get through this. This period of time when we watch as our precious sons grow out of being cute little black boys in the eyes of the world. They grow up to be black men. Trust me, it is hard to watch.

In some ways, like all ten-year-olds, they are still so little.

a beautiful twin boys

Except, that they are not.

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In addition to being ten, Kyle and Owen are big. They are just about the same height as me, and their feet are bigger than mine. They wear size 14 clothes, and their strong, athletic muscles are rippling.

We’ve hit the turning point. I’ve watched it happen. I’ve witnessed it first-hand. Over the past several months my sweet little adorable babies went from being perceived as just that, to being perceived just as I’ve long dreaded.

It has started.

I’ve been in the store and watched from a short distance as they’ve been followed. (Yes, already.)

I’ve heard it over the intercom system: “Security Alert. Section C. Security Alert.” (Yes, already.)

I’ve stood behind them as they’ve been stopped in line, being perfectly obedient, but being questioned. (Yes, already.)

I’ve watched as they’ve been wrongly accused. As the worst has been wrongly assumed. As the fault has been wrongly blamed.

The looks. The hesitation. The ever-so-slight facial expressions. The too-quick-to-judge.

It has only just begun.

It doesn’t matter that they go to an elite private school.

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It doesn’t matter that they are straight-A students.

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It doesn’t matter that they have white parents.

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It doesn’t matter that they are well-travelled, worldly, well-dressed, polished, polite, poised. It doesn’t matter that their vocabulary is incredibly well-developed, that they have eaten in fine restaurants, have met famous authors, have seen world-class performances, know the names of the classic European composers and philosophers, know how to shake a hand and look someone in the eye and use their best manners when needed. It doesn’t matter that they are cloaked with class privilege and all of the advantages that go with it.

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It doesn’t matter that they are gorgeous and charming and organically charismatic. It doesn’t matter that they are gifted and talented and have off-the-chart-IQs and that the world should be their oyster. It doesn’t matter. Still, they are followed, suspected, questioned, accused, judged, and — yes, already — feared. They are black. They are ten.

Maybe you think I’m crazy to say this. Maybe. Maybe you should try being the mother of ten-year-old black boys for a little while, and then see what you think.

You can’t write me off as an “angry black woman” because I’m not black. I am angry. And I am a woman. But I’ll tell you this: I’m white, I grew up around white people, I know white culture, I am embedded in whiteness. And what I see, feel, witness, and experience… it is real. If there is anything I know, it is that I know this is real. You can’t tell me it isn’t true because I am an insider and I know it is true.

My sons, no matter how authentically fantastic they are, are still black. They can’t get away with experimenting with how they dress, and they definitely can’t play with guns (at least not outside the walls of our home; their safe space, their oasis).

1 a black boys

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We can’t let them experiment too much, we can’t let them take many chances. We don’t have that luxury. Because they’re black. We have to tell them the truth: you’ll be judged quicker, you’ll be perceived more harshly, keep your hands out of your pockets, keep your hood down, no fast movements, never run, racism exists and it isn’t to be messed around with. We’ve got your back, but even we can only do so much. We are limited in how much we can protect you. No matter how much we try, no matter how much we love you, no matter how precious you are to us, no matter.

My sons are growing up to be black men. And they need to be prepared for what they could (almost certainly, will) encounter. We’d be gravely, woefully, unforgivingly failing them if we weren’t to prepare them for reality. At ten, they are in process. And it is heart-wrenching. Because I know the truth. I know that even though they’re black boys sporting hard-core bball jerseys, with biceps that are already popping, and locs that are getting long, they are also sweet, kitten-loving, nurturing, fragile spirits with hearts and souls of pure gold.

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I know that even though they are ten-year-old black boys, they are still my babies.

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But the world doesn’t see them as I do. No matter how perfectly they present themselves, no matter how spectacular they are, they will be disproportionately extremely LESS SAFE than if they were white. Kyle and Owen’s stellar reputations and hard-earned achievements and family-privilege will not necessarily get them as far as they choose or could go. Because the world might just choose for them and against them — in ways that would simply not occur if they were white. That is what it means to be entangled in structural, entrenched, historic, and systemic racism. No amount of privilege — or charm, or charisma, or pure raw talent — can protect them from the fact that they are black boys.

In this way, despite how extraordinary they are, despite their stunning life stories, despite all that they have going for them, they are no different than any other black boy.

Today is another sad, sad day for mamas of black boys. Deeply demoralized and shaking scared, we keep on fiercely loving them, and wait and hope for the world to see them as we do.

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275 Comments

  • Yulonda Hawkins says:

    This is such a beautiful story god bless you and your family.

    • My Dearest Sister I sincerely thank you for expressing that, LOVE , has no color, even though the world is still blind to this truth. You have demonstrated that Love, so beautifully in your writings, and your living, I’m sure. Yet I want to thank you personally for taking the time out to love someone else’s children just like your own, and be loved, I see the love in your sons faces, and i feel so bless to have your words embrace my mind, heart and soul. I’m placing you and your family’s name in to my prayer box. So remember your Black sister, Rev. Houston is praying God’s best for you and your loved ones. In Jesus name. Amen Happy Holidays to you. And
      Remember that
      Jesus is the Reason for the Season.

      • Nikki says:

        Rev. Houston, thank you for your heartfelt reply. Your words are comforting in this time of struggle. I too send prayers of love and peace to this beloved family and to my own sons, brothers, uncles, and fathers, may they remain safe in this angry world.

      • Your words to the mother of these two beautiful boys are very poignant! Your statement, that “LOVE, knows NO color”, says it all! I have a bi-racial great niece and nephew, that I love dearly! My niece, their mother, is also thinking of what it will be like for her son as he gets older!! We should not have to worry about our children when they walk out the front door of a loving home! I pray that we, as “One Nation Under God” , realize that regardless of the color of our skin…we are exactly the very same!!! A great way to show children, when explaining skin color, is to show them 1 white egg and 1 brown egg and then to crack the eggs, showing that the contents are exactly the same!!
        Thank you Rev. Houston❤️

  • Teresa-Michelle Walker says:

    This is beautifully written and as a mother of a young black king, my heart aches for his future. Thank you for sharing this necessary message with the world. I work in higher education and I am still surrounded by people who dont understand the fear I have for them. Love and light as you continue on to raise your beautiful family.

  • Alexis says:

    I’m praying, for protection over our sons, with you.

  • Gail McCormick says:

    Yes, Heather, you’re right. And I can’t stop crying for my so special grandsons.

  • Jennifer Botello says:

    I wept through your beautiful essay and my heart beats the same for my beautiful adopted son, Elijah. This has been a tragedy for all of our children. Thank you- such powerful words and from a white mother of a black son and to all mothers- hug them tighter and teach them to love love love with all their hearts! Love conquers all!

  • Rashmi Goel says:

    Praying for all of them. Bless you for speaking the truth so eloquently, poignantly, honestly. Please keep doing so.

  • Nneamaka Omo says:

    Thank you for this beautiful rendition. Its my prayer that God will keep them and all other black boys safe to fulfil their destiny in Jesus Name Amen. Thank you for loving them.

  • CONSTANCE says:

    Bravo, well written and heartfelt, tearjerker, from the mother of two little girls who will one day have to try and heal or compensate for the pain her spouse may feel. It trickles down and affects an entire people.
    Thanks for sharing your first hand knowledge. I truly appreciate you shedding LIGHT and sharing your experience as a mother of two amazing boys.

  • Ted Rheingold says:

    Confused why someone would write off your family experience if you were an angry black woman but shouldn’t because you’re white. Do white mothers of black children have more authority to be able to verify racism in America?

    • PoetrysTruth says:

      I believe she is speaking of her privilege of being a WHITE woman and not being perceived and DISMISSED as an “angry black woman” I don’t know if the picture next to your post is of you or someone who might resemble you, but unbeknownst to you even asking the question speaks to a privilege of ignorance. Some of us do not have the “luxury” of not knowing of what Heather is speaking.

      Perhaps I misread what your wrote or missed your tone/intent.

      Heather is able to VERIFY racism (not to be confused with identifying racism) being a white woman. People feel free to say things to people who they perceive to be like them and I’m sure even prior to becoming the mother of black boys she witnessed racism on different levels. Racist very rarely are bold enough to be open about their shortcoming outside of their “safe” zone. Heather as a white woman falls squarely in that zone.

      It’s not about authority, it’s a different life/view than a black mother of black boys.

    • Sal says:

      In a perfect world, no white mothers of black children wouldn’t have more merit to be able to verify racism. But in the present real world we live in something like this coming from a white woman would be much harder for people to just write her off like they would if she were black. As she states in the article plenty of people would simply just write her off as just being an “angry black woman” or “playing the race card” if she were black.

    • Ms Cruz says:

      I don’t think that was the point of the post. I question your focus on that point alone. This story made me think of the bigger picture of the concerns & joys of motherhood of two cherished young men.

    • KR says:

      Ted, I am sure we can keep this simple. In a perfect world she has exactly the same authority as a black mother, but the real world we live in bestows her with much more because she is white. (Which, by the way, was one of the main corollaries of this article.) And I think it is wonderful to see that she is using this authority as best as it can be done. The other point of course, (the author also states in her article), is that her unusual situation has allowed her to observe variegated societal response (towards her, or her closest ones) which would not be possible if she and her children were of the same color. That carries some weight too.
      Your rhetorical question assumes a society which is putting its finishing touches on matters of racial equality, so alas, it will be relevant only if we get there ever.

    • Wonderingi says:

      Ted, your white privilege is showing…
      Just saying.

    • Ted Rheingold says:

      I was just bummed that in the course of this very honest sharing about how racism is still everywhere and that is a bad thing (which I whole-heartedly agree with) that the voice of any set of mothers that are angry about racism could be slighted as not being valid. I think racism in America is pervasive and a real problem and I much more inclined to believe an angry mother than anyone in the media or academia or government. Racism happens deep in the community-level and it’s happening everywhere.

    • Ortrud Kunze says:

      Good point, Ted Rheingold!

  • Rose says:

    This was lovely, but very real. My little ones are 5 and 7. I’m afraid for their innocence cut short because my husband and I have to teach them about the world. There will be people who will judge them because they are black. God bless you but I will not stop praying for my boys and the boys of every women who lives with this fear in the back of their minds.

  • Karen says:

    *beautiful family* Thank you for sharing with our partially ignorant world.

  • Cynthia says:

    I am a single, white mother with an 18 year old biracial son. He did not grow up with all the privalages that these boys did, as we were just above poverty most of his life. No fancy schools, trips, clothes, etc. But regardless, he did not ever hurt for anything either. Anyone who sees him instantly defines him as black, even though he is light skinned. People do not think I am his mother and even question it when he tells them. They are very surprised when they find out.

    I say this to qualify what I am going to say next. He has experienced some minor racism. He was not considered for rolls in his high school musicals, probably because others looked more the part, he was treated unfairly by a guest teacher once and he was unfairly kicked out of a candy store when he was about 12. However, the level of racism this mother is concerned about, we just do not experience. I think if you are out there looking for it, yes it exists. Some individuals are ignorant. Yes, we NEED to keep talking about it because these people need to know its wrong. But to live in fear is to give those people the power. To change who you are because your afraid. That’s sad! I encourage my son to be whoever he feels like he is, dress however he wants and to do whatever activities he enjoys. And he does. Without fear.

    The biggest criminal here is the media. They have put this fear in our the heads. In reality, it is reasonable to teach every child that when they commit any crime they are opening themselves up to the possibility of being caught, put in jail or even killed by another criminal, a witness or a police officer. Much more often than not many young people are killed by others of the same race. More young people are killed by gang violence, turf wars, etc. Criminal activity of any sort is dangerous. However, that goes widely unreported on the news.

    I am not saying that in the recent cases justice necessarily prevailed. I do not know. I was not there. I did not hear all the evidence. In this most recent case, justice may or may not have failed. It is not my place to decide that. I was not on the jury, and I am not God. I leave the judgement to God. But my point is this trial will NOT put fear in my mind or cause me to caution my son in any way.

    So, I teach my son to be himself, not to live in fear, to open doors for others, to give up his seat to someone older, to work hard and to live life to its fullest. I teach him to continue the conversation about race, gay rights, etc. but I also teach him that he has nothing to fear. And I do not worry about him being mistaken as a criminal. I instead worry about his grades in college, if he is making friends, if he will find love, what career he will end up with and how far away that will take him.

    • PoetrysTruth says:

      I will say this as gently as I can…your willful ignorance may one day cost your son his life. In no way am I wishing such heart break on you and your family. Once you became the mother of a brown child you no longer get the luxury living in your white bubble. My son too is biracial (white father) my husband and I both understand that our son (and daughter) may not (almost to a certainty) get the leeway his white father does. It’s sadly our history in the U.S. I try not to lay the burn of racism on the shoulders of my children, but I refuse to do them a disservice and not tell them the truth. People WILL fear them, people WILL judge them and some of these people will have the power to shoot them dead in the street. I have taught them to govern their actions accordingly. To do anything less is not doing what I was put here to do as their mother.

      The problem in your logic (as I read what you have written) is you “seem” to believe that for your son to be gunned downed/mistreated/maimed he has to be doing something criminal, due to the color of his skin those in a position of power may perceive him as such through no fault of his own.

      Sadly because you have tried to pass along YOUR privilege he may never get to do those things you DO actually worry about.

      • DC Person says:

        Poetry- I couldn’t agree with you more. I saw a couple people suggest that teaching black children to be wary of police or white racism is teaching them to be “victims.” That blacks should expect the best from people and, that while some will mistreat them, others won’t, and that life is just unfair that way. I think people who say this grossly misunderstand what black folks are saying. Of course, “there is good and bad in everyone,” but we’re talking about “structural racism” that, at best, limits the opportunities of blacks, and at worst, threatens their lives.

        So we aren’t teaching black children to be passive victims, and to blame whites, and do nothing for themselves. To the contrary, we are teaching them to be smart and aware, and how to survive and thrive. Most blacks who have managed to be successful in our society are the ones who are most acutely aware of racism and how to navigate it. A big part of it is learning how to disarm whites and get them to like you, respect you, and not misjudge you. I think blacks who don’t realize they are constantly being judges through the lens of stereotypes are the ones who risk victimization most. But of course we also know those who play by the rules can also be unwitting victims.

    • Jacob Trosch says:

      It seems to me that Cynthia, in taking a moderate, understanding-of-life position, is closer to the achievement of happiness in this life than those who post here who harbor a deep, deep hatred and who perpetually see evidence of racism behind every rock. It may be comforting to collectively agree with other like minds, but I think Mothers of Black or partially Black children (unfairly stuck in the category of being black, therefore not trustworthy) achieve little by being perpetually in fear of what Might Be. Cynthia is proactively taking charge of her life and guiding her son to do so as well. Who will be closer to victory as the day closes?

      • PoetrysTruth says:

        It’s not about victory and there is nothing wrong with Cynthia taking charge of HER life in such a way. She is white. As for seeing racism behind every rock, I feel that statement is baiting and will not address it further.

        We are not as mothers of brown children simply making this up, we are not being overly protective, we are not trying to stifle our children. What MOST of us ARE trying to do is give our BROWN children the best chance at life. We teach our children not to touch fire, to keep them safe. We teach them to not play in traffic, to keep them safe. Not one person would condemn a parent for teaching a child how to safely navigate life. I’m confused as to why it considered misguided or fear mongering to teach them how to navigate a COUNTRY which has a VERY long and WELL documented history of mistreatment of brown people. There IS something to fear the numbers speak for themselves.

        It’s not about just the killing of brown people, many have been maimed and psychologically harmed by the treatment they receive from those in authority positions. We only hear about the murders.

        There are brown people who are harassed EVERYDAY by police simply for walking down the street. EVERYDAY sometimes multiple times per day. They understand that any contact with police can lead to their deaths.

        If Cynthia wants to teach her son that he can do as his white counterparts (as far as contact with the police) then so be it, but let’s be very clear…HE has no white privilege. NONE. His world is different than hers, no matter what she thinks that’s the truth.

        • Heather says:

          My thoughts exactly. And also, Cynthia is very misguided in thinking that HER white privilege will protect her son for the long course. It will not. Once her son individuates and is not in her physical vicinity, there will be no cloak of whiteness around him. If he moves to a new city at age 30, or even if he goes off to college away from home at age 20…. He will just be black then, he won’t be the black son of a white mom, he will be seen no different than any other young black man. She’s doing him a grave disservice for presuming otherwise. Clearly she needs to have some more deep and real conversations with black men in order to more clearly understand what her own son will inevitably be up against some day. It makes me so sad to know there are white families raising black children with this terribly unrealistic approach. It is tragic really. ~Heather

    • kate says:

      Thank you so much for this comment! You are right on.

  • Nancy C says:

    No one should have to worry about the future and welfare of their kids, black or white or any race for that matter. There is a serious problem in this country with the devaluation of human life, especially towards and within the black community, and I hope and pray it is on its way to being fixed and soon.

    Thank you for a beautifully written, brutally honest testimony.

  • DC Person says:

    While some people responding to this post disagree, I think the author is right to tie her sage comments and advice to the Ferguson shooting. After all, as she says, her kids know that somehow its unarmed black men and boys who are the disproportionate victims of this police violence. The reasons are many, but some responding here suggest the only reason cops will shoot you dead is because of the criminal actions that you’ve taken, and if you just do what white people do, you’ll be OK. Sadly, that’s not true, and it’s wise to tell black children that they’re more likely to treated worse, or pay with death, when their actions are suspect.

    I agree with everyone that Michael Brown stole cigars from a store and shoved a clerk who bravely tried to stop him. I also agree that he and his friend a short while later were approached by a police officer while walking down the middle of the street. But virtually everything else that’s been said about these events are suspect. Fortunately, many Americans know to suspect of the police and the government’s official version of any event (precisely, the reason we have grand juries and then criminal courts to hear cases). But people who don’t see how cops treat poor, powerless blacks don’t see how officialdom railroads them. To me, the most telling example of how cops cover up their mistreatment of blacks was how Wilson claims he politely said, “Guys, please walk on the sidewalk.” Please, alright. Does anyone really think Dorian Johnson was making it up when he said Wilson said, “Get the f* on the sidewalk!” To me, that said it all. Where you come down on this one bit of conflicting testimony probably shapes how you see cops and how they treat blacks (and whether you believe Wilson when he says the unarmed Brown kept reaching into his waistband for a gun he didn’t have while WIlson unloaded bullets into him).

    But if you think it’s OK for cops to kill black kids in questionable circumstances because they grew up in “bad” homes, or committed acts that don’t warrant shooting. Consider the following:

    + Video available on YouTube of a white SC state trooper (named Groupert) who shot a black motorist multiple times for complying with the cop’s instruction to produce his license and registration (Google “Groupert” and “SC”). The problem is the guy was standing at his car door when the cop asked, and reached into the car to get it. This innocent action was perceived as the black man “diving headfirst” for a gun. Mind you, it was the officer who stopped the motorist in the first place; for a seatbelt violation, no less; at a gas station with dozens of people around. And the cop thinks the guy is reaching for a gun to blow him away. So, this black man got shot up (and lived) for this. Had his parents told him to fear the police and to remember they view you as a criminal he would have been OK. Fortunately, this is the rare officer who was charged and dismissed because there was video.

    + You can find several videos on YouTube from the past month of middle-aged white men waving guns in public, aiming them at bystanders and at the police, where the police spend considerable time talking them down (and in one case before shooting the man non-fatally). If the 12-year old Cleveland boy (perceived by the policeman who killed him as “maybe 20”) playing with a bb gun had received that privilege, he’d be alive today. Again, we need to tell our kids, if you’re black, you can’t be out in public doing anything that may perceived as threatening. You’ll be shot instantly. Of course, there’s also the black man shot in Walmart for handling a toy gun.

    That’s not to say the police are solely to blame. Usually, they get a call from someone who perceives a threat. So, it really means black kids need to be beyond suspicion. You do the things whites do, you won’t get the benefit of the doubt. Then once they kill you, they justify it by maligning your family’s values or the things you did, or they claim or imagine you did, that made you not worth the breath you breathe.

  • Weston Clark says:

    When it has come to ‪Ferguson‬ and here in Utah, Darrien Hunt, I’ve been largely quiet on social media. Not because I don’t care, in fact quite the opposite. This all hits so close to my heart that I have a hard time finding the words.

    You do a great job speaking for us “mamas of black boys.” I hope you will take a moment to read it. When my husband and I willingingly, knowingly, and purposefully transracially adopted we knew that brought with it the necessity of becoming more “culturally” aware for the sake of our unknown child’s origins. What I’m not sure we knew it would do is make so real and personal all the messed up stuff we thought we knew…in theory. In the beginning I think we hoped the world was changing so fast that each day it became better for them, after all, we elected a black president, right?

    Now I see the racially charged hate spewed against our president, I watched the verdict in Florida, I see the news in Ferguson and our very own state, and I read articles like this and I cry knowing that my sweet, loving, smart, and amazing kids will grow up in a world that is not changing fast enough.

    Thank you for writing this and putting to words so many of my thoughts.

  • Manny Marguy says:

    I find the comparison to Ferguson a stretch here. Mr. Brown’s death, however tragic it was, was in many ways brought upon himself. He was under the influence of Marijuana, just robbed a store and pushed the owner into the wall, was asked to move out of the center of the street and onto the sidewalk by a policeman, and refused, punches the cop in the face and attempts to shoot and steal his gun. On the other hand, what these two boys and many like him face is that the majority of crime depicts many black people on the news being arrested or committing egregious crimes, many black on black crimes that often are never mentioned in the news clips. Behind these perceptions are realities that stem from years of slavery, lack of two parent homes, kids allowed to run loose until late night hours, where their role models become pimps, drug dealers, and criminals in their neighborhood. To fix what this mom so eloquently mentioned is to fix the home life, economics, create jobs, invest in after school mentorships, etc. We see over an over the same story, kids having kids, leading to dependency on the gov, to do what my parents did, worked and raised us with values, faith, and morals. People have discriminated for years, and largely due to their perceptions, what the media covers and doesn’t cover, which forms their reactions — and in many cases are right to be afraid of gangs, shady characters following you at night, etc. And lastly, what Charles Barkley said so well, until the African Americans value education, studying at school with a plan to be a productive citizen, understand they can be something, and value the importance of a father and mother sticking around to raise their kids, we’ll not see change…no matter how much money we throw at the problem. Too often Black Americans devalue when a black man is articulate and succeeds in life calling them “too white” and “not black enough”. Our goal needs to be educate ALL Americans, regardless of race, get into communities that struggle and inject role models that can rid them of poverty and give hope. We must stop the race baiting and work together, report crimes equally, and call it what it is, and fix those issues, not tie them to other things because all that does is divide us!

    • Susan Roberts says:

      Thank you

    • PoetrysTruth says:

      You’ve said a mouthful and I must say much of what you have said is error filled. Some is true. Yes we need to educate ALL children and give them proper guidance. Yes our society has disintegrated in many ways, IN ALL communities.

      The problems in your statement are simply you believe the officer’s version of events. That is the issue that many brown people find themselves fighting. “He’s a policemen he must be upstanding and truthful”. If you google any pictures of the officer you can clearly see the LACK of bruising on his face. IF someone the size of Mike Brown had attacked him in such a way, there would be clear bruising. As for the marijuana in his system, yes he smoked weed I’m not condoning illegal activity. Marijuana, which is the only drug found in his system works to relax and subdue. It does not make the user aggressive. Saying “well he was smoking weed” is only used to attack his character AFTER his death. As the officer did not know he had committed any crime (which the store owner denies) or that he had smoked marijuana it has no baring on the ACTIONS of the officer.

      To throw all you have into the mix does not address the REAL problem, the police (in general) treat people of color poorly and see them in light which leads law enforcement to do things in ways the simply wouldn’t when interacting with white people.

      Please believe me when I tell you not all the people injured or killed by the police are “unsavory” characters. It’s simply easier for people both black and white to believe that lie so they feel some how they are safe from being murdered in the street by those who protect and serve.

      As for Charles Barkley as a man from an older generation he is simply out of touch. The error in HIS statement…he believes that being a GOOD negro will cause people to see and treat us differently. Being a good negro will show white people we are worthy of fair treatment. The flaw in his logic, being a good negro doesn’t change a damn thing. His statement puts the burden of racism and prejudice on those who are the victims. Being HUMAN means we are worthy of fair and equal treatment.

      I am a “good” negro sir, I am highly educated, I had children within a marriage, I am a home owner, I am law abiding, I have served my country, but in the eyes of MANY white people I am still less than, in some cases a nigger. Charles is from a generation of southern people who believe erroneously being a good negro changes the minds of white people. It’s white peoples’ responsibility to see beyond THEIR prejudices and teach THEIR children accordingly. THAT is how change will come.

  • Obi Egbuna says:

    O my..I’m touched..i am the son of a Nigerian teacher and a white mother..I cherish the lessons you’re teaching these young beautiful boys..I have a five year old boy my self..his mother, too, is mixed (white and black)..black young men around the world need the lessons you teach them..and they need it from the honest, pure, perspective that you’ve so eloquently illustrated here..thank you SO MUCH.

  • Cindy says:

    Thank you so much for your testifying to the truth Heather. I appreciate your honesty and identify with your caring words for your beautiful sons. I too am a white mama of a black son. I am constantly amazed at his talents, gifts and wisdom. I live in a place where there is very little blatant discrimination or racial tension (the Northwest) but I still am aware of what you are talking about. My son turned 18 this fall and I see people edging away from him when he has a hoodie on or wearing his headphones (just to name a few examples) He is very aware of it but has a good attitude about the whole thing. However, the day of the Ferguson verdict he came home from school down and depleted because he had to constantly explain himself to “friends”. It feels like after Ferguson it has been amped up even more. More tension, more scrutiny. I so appreciate you putting into words what I have had a hard time verbalizing. Blessings on you and your family.

  • God bless you and your family. Thanks so much for sharing your love, perspective, and measured hope!!! Amen for the work to make this world a better place for all… and for those most challenged by institutionalized racism… black boys and black men. Thank you! XOXO

  • April says:

    I could not hold back the tears. This was an eloquently written piece. So heartfelt and true. You hit the nail on the head and captured the exact feelings of black mothers. Irrespective of your color, you have an insight that many lack and are truly a blessing to your babies.

    Thank you!

  • Tashya says:

    I have posted this to my FB page. As the mama of the most adorable, chubby-cheeked pumpkin anyone has ever seen, I get the same reaction from strangers daily. But I already feel the same dread and anxiety as you feel now for your boys, and my baby is only 18-months-old. I love that you get it and aren’t afraid to speak the ugly truth for what it is. Many white people do not believe racism is real today, and do not believe it exists in ways other than cross burning, hood wearing or saying the N-word. Many think black people are overreacting and “playing the race card.” That is, until another white person makes it plain and tangible–usually from a unique perspective, such as actually being a parent to black children. Your voice and perspective is needed and appreciated.

  • yvette johnson says:

    Beautifully said… Im so glad to hear someone other than those who look like me can releate to the fears of black mother’s. My sister be blessed.

  • Kathy says:

    Thank you Heather for your blog. I was drawn right in. I cried when you revealed your “Sweet Babies” because I had very many of the same experiences’ with my baby boy. When you revealed you were a white parent, I was surprised, but I shouldn’t have been for I was a white mother with a black baby too. I totally shared all your thoughts, worries, and fears for your children. Every time I see a young black teen get shot, I cringe when I hear his mama say “He was a good boy! and the pain coming through that voice. My boy is now 42. At first I lived in the city. I joined a group held at LSS that was the first meeting held for White Mothers of Black Sons in the state. It really made me face reality that always and forevermore, my son would be “SEEN” as black. There was no one we could speak about that to. So we eventually moved to a smaller town. My small town luckily took him under their wing as he was polite, cute, and accepted. In later years he became an excellent athlete, so everyone was supportive to him. He now lives in a city with his wife and child. Very thankful for you to take the time to talk about your experience.

  • Donna says:

    Thank you for an incredible article. My best friend is raising two black boys and the storm started in kindergarten as one of his sons was regularly accused of things that were not true. The hate out there is real. I am a twin and my mother used to say that the only thing cuter than one baby is two babies. I think your babies are still adorable. I hope that having a twin to rely on will be a source of support in their lives.

  • Pamela says:

    Thank you for writing this beautiful description of our sons. My son is now 31 and grew up much like yours. He is beautiful, smart, fun-loving, and well liked by all who know him. He is still at risk in the world and I worry about him everyday. It it is encouraging to know that there are people of all types who understand the wonder of young black men, just as they understand the wonder of other children. Thank you again.

    Pam

  • Heather Drouin says:

    Two years ago my husband and I began the domestic infant adoption. We were open to a child of any race. My mother mentioned that it would probably be easier to raise a black girl rather than a black boy. I thought she was crazy. She was absolutely right. She knew something I didn’t then but do now.

    I hope and pray I’m overreacting about the nightmare that awaits my biracial son. I keep clinging to this thought that somehow, someway our white privilege can shield him. I struggle with finding ways for him to embrace his heritage and his beautiful skin, while keeping in the back of my mind that maybe his lighter skin and softer hair will shield him (I’m not stupid. I know it won’t).

    I don’t know a single other white person raising a bi-racial son. I feel very alone. I’ve been very angry at white friends and family who lately have been emboldened to deny racism, claim it is used as a “crutch”, or spout off how we should teach our sons “personal responsibility.”

    • Joe says:

      Heather,
      I understand what you mean by those who try to deny racism. But you *will* teach your sons personal responsibility. No pun intended, but the issue is not black and white. Michael Brown was not an innocent man that was shot and killed because he was black, like the media seems intent on making us believe. We may never know if his race played a part in the possible overreaction from the officer. But we do know his robbing a store, attacking the owner and a police officer definitely led to him being killed. Please don’t think your bi-racial son is awaiting a nightmare. Do you think Pamela, who commented before you, thinks her 31-year-old happy son is living a nightmare?
      There is more love out there than hate, the odds are with you, not against!

      • DC Person says:

        Joe- I think you miss an important point here. I hear many people here saying that being black often means your word has no validity. You prove that by casually claiming that Michael Brown assaulted a police officer. All we know is the officer who killed him says that. We heard a young black man say the officer, angry at Brown grabbed him out his window and probably put his gun to Brown saying he could kill him if he wanted. Brown may have struggled for his life under that circumstance. You too may have pushed the gun away if an officer threatened to kill you for mouthing off. You weren’t there so you don’t know what happened. And you see what just now happened in NYC. What’s wrong with Americans that they think every misstep by a black man justifies killing him? The rest of the world thinks we really devalue life.

  • Rasheedah says:

    Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece on how precious you sons are to you. I’m trying to write this through tears. I have two boys as well 11 months apart, they are now both 17. Right now I could not be more terrified for my sons. My sons are two of the sweetest mamas boys, but to the world, they are two large black men. Who are being judged and stereotypes. Searched on the train just coming home from school, they always come straight home. They do not hang out, unless it is school related or pre planned. I pray that the way our boys are perceived in this world changes, we can not deal with the death of another young black man, my heart can not take anymore.

  • Ami says:

    I am the eldest of 5 children – 3 boys and 2 girls. My youngest brother turns 10 in February. We are all black.

    While my husband and I do not have children or nieces & nephews of our own I completely share your sentiment. When we do have children, they will be bi-racial, but recognized by everyone as black. They’ll grow up living in privilege and wealth of culture, but unfortunately both myself and my husband know that just won’t be enough and it scares us.

    After the Trayvon Martin case my heart was incredibly heavy. My tears felt like hot water. My sinuses were congested with anger, frustration, and confusion that no matter what – no matter my accomplishments and knowledge the first thing people see is my black face. I grew up learning to shake off the ignorance and prejudices of others (as another commenter here mentioned), but geez it gets me every now and then… and it definitely gets my brothers too. So, I’d just like to say thanks for posting this. Thanks for having the courage to publicly express your fear. Thanks for being brave enough to deal with the backlash. Thanks for being honest with your children. Thank you for being real.

    Minorities are not just “making these things up” and society needs to hear this from a multitude of perspectives before they truly understand it.

  • Adria Theriot says:

    thank you for sharing a reality that as white people we rarely have insight into. Your boys are beautiful young men and I pray that things do change because things need to change. I would not want any child to have to face the aweful reality that you speak of but I see that it does happen and I hear you. We ALL have to be part of the solution because we are all part of the problem. All we can do is, EACH OF US, teach our children A DIFFERENT WAY, a loving, and accepting, tolerant way to live and BE in society so that TOMORROW is better for your beautiful boys and my beautiful girls. BRAVO to you for sharing your family’s story so that we may all see another perspective.

  • As a mother of a young black man who did everything I was supposed to do to raise a boy. He was reading at 3, played several sports, I was there for every game, event. When his father died, his uncles became his father and helped this boy become a college graduate, an entrepreneur. But he is still a black man and every time my phone rings my heart drops thinking, is this the call? I cried reading this article because all black people agent making it up that we are harassed more, passed over for jobs more ( with college degrees) and thought as less than human more than any other race, with the exception of other brown people.

  • Sebastián Molano says:

    Thanks for sharing. Beautiful piece.

  • Tina King says:

    I want you to know you are doing a great job with the boys. They seem happy and content. They will go far in life because you and your husband give them all the love and support they need. Just keep standing up for them and I guarantee they will make something of themselves. I have always stood up for my children and now as adults are all in college and have a great future ahead of them. Just keep encouraging them in what they like to do and help them to follow their dreams.

  • Diane says:

    Thank you for this post. As the mother of two adorable young black boys, I often worry how the world will perceive them as they get older. Thank you for your raw honesty.

  • Marcia says:

    They are adorable!! They were then, and they are now.

    But this broke my heart. Little boys being followed at 10??

  • Stefan Strein says:

    Hey there – As I was reading your essay, it dawned on me that we met this past summer in Mexico. Our sons Christopher and Carter had a great time playing with Owen and Kyle.at Beaches. The pictures you posted of the boys do not adequately express their tremendous joy, energy and vibrancy. I have been sick over the situation in Ferguson and now NYC, and it has highlighted the very scary different world that our sons face every day, that we just don’t. This has to change because we just can’t protect them enough.

    • Heather says:

      Oh my gosh!!!!! This is the adorable family from Mexico, isn’t it?!? We love you guys!!! Email me if you want to connect (you can find my email if you google me… I don’t want to place the actual address right here). What a small world!!!!!

  • Angie says:

    I am a white mother of two adopted sons. My 10 year old has black birth-parents and my six year old has a black birth-father and a Hispanic birth-mother. My husband is also white. We live in a safe, affluent neighborhood, which also happens to be mostly white. We prioritize family discussions about race, culture, social history and modern-day prejudice. To this day, neither of my sons has had a negative personal experience with regards to race. We are Christians and the Bible teaches us that we are all adopted into God’s family when we confess that Jesus is Lord and surrender our lives to
    Him. I will continue to teach my children about race, but there is a lost and dying world out there that needs to hear the Gospel. Our family may look “mixed”, but we are 100% a REAL family. As a family, we choose to focus on living our lives to bring glory to God. I will never warn my kids about DWB or having their jacket hoods down. The only true threat to my children is the temptation to stray from God’s straight and narrow path. We exit our home as missionaries to each and every person we meet. My sons are young Warriors for Christ and the color of their skin is only that–a color. It is not a target or a harbinger of doom. After all, we only wear this skin around for a little while–compared to eternity in our heavenly bodies, where we will be transformed when we see Jesus face-to-face. We choose to focus on ETERNITY and hope to bring as many people with us to heaven as possible! God loves my boys and has a wonderful plan for their lives, plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future. Where my white husband and I fall short in raising our black and a biracial sons, God steps in. When we are weak, He is strong. I waste not one moment fearing the fallen world, sinful flesh or the lying Devil. Let God be true and every man a liar. We shall conquer all by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Transracial adoptive families: stop living in fear!

    • Cresenda says:

      Dear Angie. It’s not about “fear”, it’s about the REALITY of our sinful world. Though we are in Christ, we live in this world.

      As an African American educator and Administrator, I pray that you will educate your adoptive sons about the realities of our sinful and racist world. Of not, once they leave your neighborhood where they are known, they will not be prepared to deal with the sins of others (profiling, harassing, following in stores, assumed guilty and dangerous because of their skin color, etc.).

      We are called to be as innocent as doves AND as shrewd as snakes. Unfortunately, if you are not shrewd regarding informing your boys, their lives can easily be at stake…. their lives are your responsibility.

      I understand that as a Caucasian, it’s nearly impossible to grasp these likely and probable dangers, but they are realities. Please don’t endanger your boys by ignoring the realities of our sinful world.

      God bless.

    • DC Person says:

      Angie- You say you teach your kids about “modern-day prejudice” but not “driving while black.” Where do you draw the line on which prejudices to tell them about and how do you draw that line?

    • Nakisha says:

      Take your head out of the Bible and Heavenly Clouds for a moment and look at the world we live in. You provide instruction on how to safely cross the streer, not to get into a strangers car but you do not see the need to teach them how to handle people that WILL accost them in aggressive ways because of their skin color. You do your children a disservice. I am a Christian too and we are tasked with trusting God and sharing the Gospel but we have to live an operate in this sinful world. Wake Up Please..for the sake of your children.

  • M3 says:

    Beautiful, wise, brave words, my friend.

  • Jeremy says:

    This was an awesome story.
    You are a blessing to these boys and your daughter.
    I am black Amry Officer if your boys are ever interested in the army or want to talk, I would be more than happen to speak with them.

    Thank you and God Bless.
    JC

  • Kayla says:

    Thank you for writing this. I’m a white mama to a Nigerian-born son. He’s four and adorable right now, and in the 98th percentile. The doctors guess that he will be 6’4, 220. How torn is my heart that I’m so proud of him and at the same time so worried for what the world might see when they see my son? Your words matter — thank you for writing them.

  • Jeffrey Giraud says:

    I’ve spent the better part of my 52 years trying to understand why this division still exists. I grew up very poor in a small town on the edge of Detroit and witnessed the riots through my bedroom window…not on television. My friends that I played baseball with, the young men who were teaching us to play, my heros on the Tigers…were black and white. I couldn’t understand why people hated each other so much. As I matured and began to study, I learned about white privelage and the abuse of black citizens in our country. I was outraged that this inequality woukd still exist 100 years after the Civil War and 10 years after the Civil Rights act. As I progressed through college and on into adulthood I moved to Texas and witnessed people who were angry over the results of the Civil War?!? I saw signs over door ways that said “White Only Entrance” which was defended by people saying it was a part of history – yet no historical marker was anywhere to be seen.

    I became a law enforcement officer in 1986 and saw racism among fellow officers. I fought against profiling hispanics, blacks, teenagers and people in red mustangs. I worried constantly about my friends that faced discrimination on a daily basis in a country that has laws against that behavior. And I watched popular media artists portray stereotypes of the very negative image that they claimed to be fighting against.

    And I’ve been told that I have no right to be offended because I’m a white male and I’m part of the problem. The perception is the problem. Your boys are boys. Ten year old black boys. Intelligent, strong, loving, willful, sensitive young boys growing up in a world that still measures their worth by the color of their skin. Skin color has no value – it is simply a reflection of light waves off the pigment in skin. That’s just physics.

    You’re an incredible family and I am so glad to have found your story. I hope that you all stay safe and that your boys will learn from great men like Dr. King and Ghandi that the resolution is best found in times of peace. Hatred and violence only begets more hate and more violence.

  • Sara says:

    I am bookmarking this to share over and over.

    Thank you.

  • Susan Baronoff says:

    I saw this because someone shared it on Facebook. I shared it, too. And it’s been shared again several times in the less-than-24-hours since I posted it. It’s a beautiful piece. And its truth and fundamental humanity are getting it noticed. We are all fighting back. Thank you for this brilliant, heart-searing weapon in our battle.

  • Rachel Kibble says:

    Oh my goodness…you said exactly what I have been feeling in my heart. I am a white mother with 4 children, all adopted, all at least partially black. Thank you for putting my heart on paper, I am sharing this post on my facebook page.

  • Frankie says:

    I was reading this and crying. My little one is almost three, and I remember one time when I was worrying about something or other, and my husband shut me down with, “He’s a middle-class white man. He’ll do just fine.” And he was right. And shouldn’t have been. No mother should ever worry that something over which their child has absolutely no influence could get them killed. We cannot be content living in a world that accepts this.

  • Marilyn Bering says:

    A strong and painful dose of hard truth. I read through this as a black woman married to a white man and the mother of two sons. You and I share a certain amount — families of some means, private schools for the kids, involvement in higher education, the professions, the arts and cultural life, travel here and abroad. You get the picture, so I want to share with you one thing I miss in your post. If your daughter were ever in any danger or at any risk, you would be mama bear on a rampage until she was again safe and sound. I hear a certain passive trepidation on behalf of your sons.

    Overwhelming as it may seem, I’d encourage you to beware of feeling helpless in the face of what your boys will encounter — it’s not all that clear that they will be held back in their chosen careers, for example. But they and you need to know that you are fiercely on their side. They will internalize the danger, it has to also be clear to them that you will go to the mat against anyone who messes with them. Confront the store employee who follows them. Give a long hard glare at anyone giving them those micro-agression looks. You don’t have to always be a bystander. Your white privilege makes a difference as your boys grow up, don’t hesitate to use it as necessary.

    • Heather says:

      Thank you for your comment. I have to say: Oh trust me, I am a fierce mama bear to my boys. Perhaps it didn’t come through in this particular post, or perhaps we have different forms of manifesting our fierceness… Nonetheless, you can count on this: I can, and have, and do, and will, go to bat for my boys! They do not doubt that for one single second, and neither should you. There is nothing passive about me. 100,000+ people so far have read this post– which is, in itself, in part, me stepping right up for my boy bambinos– stepping right up for them and with them. I have, and will, confronted and given the glare— and then some. And will continue to until the day I die. My boys don’t doubt that– which is ultimately what matters the most. Yours in the struggle, Heather

  • Shakira says:

    You have written the words of my heart and I thank you! And the fact that you are white and you GET it, makes it that much better for your boys, mine and hopefully the many little non-black boys that will grow up and live in this world with ours. I too am the mother of two beautiful black boys. Now they are both under the age of 3, so they are still quite cute and cuddly so I should feel “safe” but with the recent murder of Tamir Rice, I shake with anger at the thought of only having 8 more years before my baby could be taken from me by someone sworn to protect him, but who fears him instead. In spite of my anger, I will not allow it to turn to hopelessness or helplessness. Currently, my family and I live outside of America and I will continue to move heaven and earth to protect my princes until they grow into kings. I hope my country of birth will be a safer place for them by the time we decide to come home. Thank you again Heather, I needed this at this very moment.

  • JIM says:

    My experience has been the opposite. My wife and I adopted two Haitian children (we are also “white”). Our kids are the most wonderful kids. They are not going to elite private schools nor are they living a life of privilege. They wear “hand-me-downs” just like our Bio kids did and they are having to endure hardships at times. They don’t get any special perks of any kind – other than being American citizens.

    Like you, I was somewhat expecting (and prepared) to encounter a lot of racism. We live in a largely white community – well over 90% as a demographic. As for that expected racial prejudice, I haven’t seen it. Our community is incredibly welcoming or just non-plussed. I’ve never had an occasion to notice anyone misjudging or falsly accusing our kids – not once in 5 years! And our kids are fully in their teens now. To the contrary, they are very often they are greeted with positive attitudes; a fact which surprised me.

    Yes, we get stares at times. We’ve taught the kids to respond with a smile and then to ignore it. We have told them that people are naturally curious about folks who are different and that you can turn that into a positive every time you get a chance. We’ve taught the kids that (in general) teens often get “suspected” of mischief and in a community where you are different it will be more likely, so the solution is be above reproach. You can’t be blamed if you weren’t there. Will they experience racism somewhere else? Possibly. But, I think a lot of life comes at you as you expect it to. If you expect stares, you will get them. If you expect hostility, you will get it. If you project a positive and welcoming attitude, you often find it. We have experienced far more hostility from the black community than we ever do from the white community. And we demonstrate to the kids the same thing we teach. Lo and behold, once you get past that initial “reaction” more people are accepting or welcoming than you may realize. It’s not all “black and white” out there.

    And yes, I just traveled through the white community areas of Missouri during the Ferguson riots. People were talking about it, but NO ONE gave my black teen age son a bit of attitude about it. We both had numerous friendly encounters among a lot of just ordinary life encounters. Most people in this country just want to get along with life. Don’t let the few who have a problem spoil your party. Celebrate your sons and ignore the haters. Most people will want to do the same with you.

  • Nakisha says:

    Maybe white America can receive your words because you look like them, I hope so. Black women have been uttering these words for years but have been dismissed. Great job with the boys and God Bless your family. Thank you for the blog.

  • Katherine says:

    Whatever happened to judging (individual) people not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character??

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