Well, this is a first for me… I am posting in response to Heather’s post below. First, I really loved what she wrote and love how thoughtful and sensitive my wife is – she is really amazing and an incredible mother. And I love at the bottom she wrote: “Keep moving people – Johnson-McCormick Family coming through” – that really is how it feels. I don’t think K&O consciously realize how great they have it with her, but I know it. And I very confident they know it in their hearts.

One of the funny things that they boys say is “Watch out, coming!” It could be a car, it could be them on a little truck, it could be a dog, it could be me, but usually goes something like this: “Watch out – coming!!!” and there is a sudden rush of activity where K&O come scurrying from wherever they happen to be to be at our side to hold hands while whatever it is, passes.

So, I think that when we are cruising through a store and I am wearing the protecting veil, I will be thinking to myself from now on: “Watch out – J-M family coming!!!”

For all it’s rough spots, it’s good to be a family. And powerful, really really powerful.

Out And About: Me with the boys when we first got them home

Grocery Shopping: The boys in a “truck” cart when they were a year old

Walks: The boys and me out for a walk earlier this fall

Forwarning: This is a long post! I’ve been thinking about this for almost two years now so there’s a lot to say…

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine who is an adoptive mom told me about a person she had met in the mall one day. My friend is white and was shopping with her toddler son, who was adopted from South Korea. This other woman was white and was with her white daughter, who as it turned out, she had adopted domestically. The woman had made a bee-line to my friend and asked her, “Is he A.D.O.P.T.E.D.?” [spelling out the letters of the word so that the kids wouldn’t be able to make out what she was saying]. My friend said proudly, “Yes!” And then the woman asked, in a whisper, “Are you going to tell him he’s adopted?” My friend was telling me about how crazy this felt to her — to be asked this — because in her mind it is just not even a question: of course she’s going to “tell” him he’s adopted… it is plain to see that they are an inter-racial family… how could a family hide adoption in such a scenario?! So, we were talking about how we cannot even imagine hiding adoption from our kids. And how we cannot even imagine not talking about adoption openly together as a family. And the more I think about it, the more I simply cannot imagine it any other way in our family. Especially because at this point adoption is such a huge part of our family identity.

I’ve never had the “Is he A.D.O.P.T.E.D.?”-question or the “Do you think you’re going to tell them that they’re adopted?”-question that some other adoptive families seem to get. I think because we are a black/white family (so to speak), it is sooooo blatently and visibly obvious that K & O were adopted, and that K & O will know they were adopted. There have been only a couple of exceptions. Twice, when I’ve been out and about alone with the boys (i.e., without Braydon), I have gotten: “Wow, their father must be very, very dark.” ?! … Like I could possibly biologically produce them being as white as I am with any man no matter how dark he could possibly be?!?! Anyway, it seems that most everyone else I’ve ever encountered just knows that my babies were adopted. So, we don’t get the “Are they adopted?”-questions, but we do get tons and tons of other questions. And comments. And stares. We can’t get through any public place without people, usually many people, approaching us. For some reason, stores (all kinds of stores) are where it seems to happen the most.

Parents of twins – even biological twins – have a hard time getting through stores because of all the people admiring the twins (parents of twins talk about this all the time), so I guess this is pretty “normal” for twin families… And (I know I’m bias about this but…) I think my twins are so super cutesy that it makes the admiring crowd that much larger! However, honestly, I really believe that the blatant staring and all the comments and the constant questioning is escalated about a zillion times because of our unique family’s double whammy: the twin thing & the black/white adoptive family thing *combined*.

I feel like we’re on display everywhere we go. Isn’t that a horrible thing to say? But it is true. We knew when we decided to go through with our adoption plan that we’d be an unusual family. But honestly, I had an unrealistic idea of just how unusual we’d be. And I had absolutely no idea of how many people would bombard us with stares and comments and questions everywhere we go. In truth, it is sometimes exhausting just to be in public. Sometimes we want to just retreat to home– to our private little oasis where there is no one to catch staring or have to answer to or educate. But life cannot be spent entirely at home. Especially since all four members of our family are extremely extraverted, social people who enjoy human interaction. So, we’re out and about a lot. And people bombard us wherever we are.

Lots of people just stare. Or pretend to not be staring but they so obviously are. We hear lots of anxious whispers from parents telling their curious kids to “stop staring!” or reprimanding them that it is “rude to stare!” We basically just try to take all this in stride and generally ignore it. However, when people come up to us and overtly comment, or ask questions, it is nearly impossible to ignore.

People often feel compelled to comment. People regularly say things to us like, “I think it is great what you’ve done!” Other adoptive parents tell me that this comment really bothers them when they receive it. I understand that. But honestly, it does not bother me at all, in fact, I kind of like it when people say that stuff to us… I think because it feels a lot better to hear something affirming than all the rest of the time when I am totally unsure of what people are thinking (or kind of afraid of what they might be thinking) as they silently stare at us.

People ask a ton of questions too. All the time. Things like, “So, you couldn’t have kids of your own?” and “Do you think you’ll ever have your own kids?” It bothers me for all the obvious reasons (I have kids of my own; Kyle and Owen are my own kids). But when they ask these things I don’t ever correct them. I think when K & O are older and taking more of this in maybe I’ll be more proactive about it, but right now it just doesn’t feel worth it to me. I also get tons of questions like: “Where are they from?” Sometimes when I say, “Haiti” they say, “Where’s Haiti?” or “Oh, Haiti, like in Africa?!” and I’m like, “Um, well, Haiti is actually not in Africa… but….” I also get lots of: “What happened to their mother?” This bothers me because I wish they would say “birthmother,” but again, I don’t correct them… at least not at this point in our life. The worst is when they say, “Do you know their mother?” or “Do they know their mother?” etc. etc. etc. Again, I don’t correct them and I try to not let my feathers get ruffled by it, but I do feel the sting and sometimes fantasize about the things I’d like to say to those “mother” questions (I think any mother would get a little unnerved by people implying — even unintentionally — that she is not her child’s mother). I also get a lot of: “Do you think you’ll ever bring them back to Haiti?” Of course our answer is “Yes.” but I’m not sure exactly what this question is getting at, and I often ponder it because it is really interesting to think about what they are trying to ask with that one. … And… then there’s the big one… when they ask: “How did you adopt them???” I get that a lot– like they want to know the whole entire story from beginning to end—– A lot of times I’ll stand there to chat as long as I possibly can until my two year old twins go nutso in the shopping cart, or one or the other (or both) have a total complete meltdown. But sometimes I get really frazzled, because there are days that I just want to buy my stuff and get through the darn store like a normal person.

When I’m really not in the mood to chit-chat about it all, then I try to do something that I have been trying to learn from Braydon — who is exceptionally good at this — that is, to appear (in his words:) “unapproachable.” This basically involves just launching myself/us through wherever we are and avoiding all eye contact and plunging forward with an unmistakably unapproachable look that screams: “Keep moving people! There is nothing to see here! Move along folks!” Since I’m such an open person this is a major challenge for me, but I’m getting better at it (and I pick up tips everytime we’re out as a family and I can watch Braydon in action!) You should see him do it — he can really be good at it when he wants to be!

Regardless of my mood on any particular day, one thing I do try to do whenever we’re talking with folks is to say, “they were adopted…” instead of “they are adopted…” because as K & O start understanding things more I want them to know that was past tense — that they WERE adopted — that adoption was a process we went through to become a family, that indeed it made us a very interesting and unique family that draws a lot of attention, but that now that’s all done and they’re just ours and we’re just theirs. At the end of the day, through stares and comments and questions, for better or for worse, we are a family now, and I want K & O to feel secure in that. “Keep moving people! Johnson-McCormick family coming through!!”

It’s 5:30 PM and dark out, but the driveway is alive with playing. Our next door neighbors (adopted one week ago) are bundled up with hats and coats on, Kyle and Owen are wearing their multi-colored rain boots (it’s not raining) and their dark gray fleeces and the floodlights are off; nobody can see much of anything.

I turn on the lights to illuminate the situation. Nate is pulling K, O and Ambika up the driveway in the wagon with all three riders laughing hysterically while Nate struggles with his load. They are clearly enjoying themselves despite the language barrier (Nate and Ambika don’t speak English and K&O are 2 1/2 year old twins) and are looking forward to the ride down hill.

It’s all going great, Kyle in front, Ambika in back and Owen piled on top, somewhat in the middle. That is, until Owen gets frustrated and bites Kyle’s head to get him to move. Kyle promptly whacks Owen in the face with his hand in response, and all playing must cease while we discuss the rules.

After we get everyone re-situated and Owen a little more comfortable, Nate proceeds to turn the wagon around and head down the drive way at Mach speed. Soon the wagon is moving faster than he can run at which point the laughter is so loud from the riders, we can’t determine if they are hurt, scared, or just incredibly happy.

Heather’s Top 10: Reasons Potty Training Twins is Really Hard

1. It is obvious, but sometimes (as is the case with this) the obvious is well worth stating: When you’re running as fast as possible to make it to the bathroom in time with one of them, the other one is on their own, unsupervised. Enough said.
2. When you’re running as fast as possible to make it to the bathroom in time with the other one, you still haven’t had time to re-diaper the one who just went. Bambino without a diaper = accident.
3. There are two bambinos/There are twice as many accidents.
4. Twice the hand washing. There are several sub-categories here. a) bar soap: they try to eat it and since there are two of them it is twice the guidance/hassle/infuriation. b) pump soap: they desperately want to do it themselves but knock it over, get frustrated when they can’t pump it correctly, and when they can pump it correctly they pump out loads and loads of it all over the bathroom when you’re not monitoring closely enough, and since there are two of them it is twice the guidance/hassle/infuriation. c) water faucets: they insist on operating the water flow themselves, prefer it to be at full speed, and quickly get extraordinarily WET when you’re not monitoring closely enough –often requiring change of clothing, and since there are two of them it is twice the guidance/hassle/infuriation. d) hand-drying/towels: they like to play with the towels so if you’re not monitoring closely enough they attempt to soak the towels with water and suck the water out and basically do anything they can to avoid ending the hand-washing-ritual since they love any excuse to play with water, and since there are two of them it is twice the guidance/hassle/infuriation. e) skin moisturizer: our particular twins need much skin moisturizer so hand cream is necessary after hand washing… see above, “b)” re: pump soap.
5. They are so very interested in the process, and like to watch each other pee so very, very much, that it is nearly impossible to keep the pee flow of the one going from flowing onto the one watching (see Exhibit A below).
6. Since flushing is, of course, their favorite part, there is arguably more fighting over flushing than potty training is worth.
7. Even though we have two identical potty seats they fight over who gets to sit on which potty seat when. And they fight over who gets to sit on the “big potty” when. There is arguably more fighting over who is sitting where when than potty training is worth.
8. While they are fighting over who gets to sit on which potty when (and which book we’re going to read while on the potty), they inevitably get distracted. Bambino distracted = accident. There are two bambinos/There are twice as many accidents. Yes, I know, I already said that. It warrants saying twice. Believe me.
9. Our reward system: one peanut m&m for each pee pee, one caramel-filled-hershey-kiss for each poopie. The chances of having double success during any given bathroom experience are very slim, thus chances are that only one bambino (not both) is getting a reward-treat for their achievement. Thus one is forced to tolerate having no treat while watching the other eat a treat. At age two watching your twin brother eat candy while you have none = crying meltdown/tantrum. There are two bambinos/There are twice as many crying meltdowns/tantrums.
10. Given how OFTEN they actually go (or mistakingly think they need to go), and given how LONG the entire process takes (running to bathroom, taking off clothes & diapers, attempting to go, books, fighting, flushing, fighting, rewards, fighting, hand-washing, cleaning up accidents, re-diapering, re-dressing, re-directing to new activity, cleaning up/dealing with whatever happened with the unsupervised twin while you were in the bathroom with the other…), by the time you’re done with one bambino you usually have to immediately start again with the other. You could easily spend all day and night just going back-and-forth doing this whole process with the twins. THIS is arguably more exhausting than potty training is worth.

Potty training twins — yet another example of something that we constantly ponder around here: How do people do it with triplets??????

Exhibit A. Owen watches Kyle pee in the potty. Note “accident” — pee pee all over Kyle’s leg — that Owen is closely inspecting and Kyle is wiping from his leg with bare hand. What the photo does not show as clearly is that the “accident” was also all over the potty, the stool, the floor, and Owen’s feet.

Exhibit B. Now Kyle watches Owen pee in the potty. Note the concentration on the part of both boys, and that the pee pee is going straight into potty. Success! …But what the photo does not show as clearly is the meltdown/tantrum/fight that ensued immediately following this scene, when Kyle tried and tried but couldn’t pee, then announced “Mama my pee pee turned off,” Owen received his peanut m&m, and Kyle got none.

Note: New P.S. to this post– A few people have emailed me to ask why we don’t just simplify things and have the boys pee sitting down. Here’s my explanation to the most recent email on this subject:
Oh, we did teach them to pee sitting down!!! Believe me! that would make *everything* so much easier. And that’s how most all boy toddlers pee. But… alas… again, in typical K & O fashion, they refuse to go with status quo. They INSIST on peeing standing up “like Papi”… and once they caught on to how Braydon does it (which did not take long — just one trip to the urinal in a public place and it was cemented in their heads)… well, so long then to sitting-down-peeing. Since then neither of them will sit to pee.