It was everything the boys wanted. Their wildest 4th-Birthday-Party-Dreams-Come-True. It feels so amazingly good to me to be able to give them that once a year. How amazing is it, as a mother, to be able to make their wildest dreams actually realized??? So amazing. This is a short little period in life. Soon all hopes of me making all their dreams come true will be long gone. So, I want to indulge them — and myself — while I can. I personally believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The truth is, if they were entitled-acting little buggers, or if they weren’t so dang appreciative, I probably wouldn’t do it… but when they say things like “Mommy, you think of everything!!!” (Kyle) and “Mommy, you made me the best birthday party ever ever ever!” (Owen) and “Thank you Mommy for the best birthday party in the whole wide world!!” (both, numerous times throughout the day)… well, it just makes me so glad to be able to do it, so gratified that at least for a tiny spell of their lives I can be that Mommy to them. I could go on and on about this topic, but I’m too exhausted. So, in lieu of a deep poetic post I’m going to let some of the stats do the talking — here are the basics:
- 1 “bouncing thing” mega ‘combo’ moonbounce with 10 foot slide
- 2 “candle cakes” precisely as requested (all white frosting with ‘KYLE’ and ‘OWEN’ in blue and orange) with 1 “number four” candle and 4 “cake candles” per cake
- 6 large tubs of ice cream in assorted flavors
- 2 huge vats of rum punch for the parents — made and served by the proudest grandfather of two Caribbean boys that ever lived
- 40 helium balloons blown up by the most amazing grandmother that ever lived
- 1 pinata with 100 lollipops inside
- 16 person ensemble from the Lehigh University Marching Band marching and performing in the backyard
- 1 impromptu pick-up baseball game, after the performance, with assorted party guests and marching band members
- 80 “squeezy drinks” (Honest Kids brand juice drinks)
- 80 snack size bags of “cheesy popcorn” (Smartfood)
- 3 minor injuries to young guests (cured quickly by — in chronological order of injuries/cures: 1 bandaid, 1 ice pack, and 1 small bowl of gummy worms)
- 25 party favor bags filled with various musical instruments and sound-makers
- 60 “owie hats” (birthday party cone hats)
- 1 perfectly gorgeous Sunday afternoon
- 25 of K & O’s best friends forever, each one of whom came with 1-4 family members to join in the fun (you can do the math re: total number of guests)
- 1 tired Mama, 11 days from Baby Sister’s Due Date
- 1 proud Papi
- 2 deliriously happy turning-4-year-old-boys who got to experience their own version of Heaven-On-Earth for a sweet and blissful 3 hours
- infinite moments that can only be captured in the mind’s eye
For another post about the party, click here. An old student of mine who is an exceptionally good photographer came and acted as documentary photographer again for us this year for the third year in a row! I’ll post more photos when he gets them to me. 
Saturday was MayFaire at Kyle and Owen’s school. This is a big annual Waldorf event. It was a dreary day, unfortunately, but it was still quite an experience. Kyle and Owen adore their school. They are loving school. And they are absolutely thriving there. For Braydon and I, ultimately, that is the bottom line. MayFaire was a really special day for K & O. They were in their element. It made the day extra special because MorMor and MorFar were with us for the weekend, so K & O got to give them the ‘full immersion Waldorf’ experience. (!) The maypole (above) was one of the highlights… but mostly the boys just love… being there. The contentment they have when they are there is obvious. It was nice for Braydon and I to have my parents witness that. We don’t know what the future holds for K & O’s educational trajectory, but for now we’re following K & O’s lead — and at the end of their first year at their Waldorf school, all signs tell us that they’re right where they are supposed to be.
We like to expose K & O to a wide variety of music. I in particular like them to hear lots of “classical” music for a whole bunch of reasons. I tend to do this in the car – where I have a captive audience! Fortunately they are totally into it. Here is a list of some of their current favorite “classical” (only two of these are actually classical) music:
- O Fortuna – Carl Orff
- Short Ride on a Fast Machine – John Adams
- Symphony #9, 2nd and 4th movements – Beethoven
- Eine Kline Nacthmusick – Mozart
- Alexander Nevsky – Prokofiev
- Variations on “Simple Gifts” – Copland
- Fanfare for the common man – Copland
- Overture to Candide – Bernstein
- Now lettest thou be thy servant – the Glinka Choir, Lenningrad
And if I can figure out how to get my MP3 player to work in the car better, there will be a lot more soon.
So we were in the car the other day listening to “The Germans fall through the ice” (I don’t know what the real title is) from Alexander Nevsky and Owen says:
O: “Papi, I like that!!!”
P: “Oh good, I am glad to hear it!”
O: “Papi, who wroted that music down?”
I was stunned. I told him and tried to plumb the depths of his brain to figure out how he knew to ask that. I have been trying to say “this piece is by so and so” but I never put it into those terms. I mean – it’s really nutty when you think about. To get there, here’s what he had to do:
- Realize that we were listening to a recording of a performance of music (which is not an object unto itself)
- Realize that the music was performed by a group of people
- Understand that the music doesn’t just happen, that it is planned
- Understand that someone had to plan it (or “compose” is as the case may be)
- Realize that the planning of it comes before the performance, which comes before the recording
- Realize that in order for the plan to be executed, it must be communicated, and that is most likely on paper (like reading books)
- Realize that someone who (most likely planned it) had to write it down on paper to give to the people performing.
Now, I am no cognitive development expert, and I realize this is normal, but wow – it’s so cool when you get to see this kind of thing happens!
O: “Papi, who wroted that music down?”
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole ‘black on the outside but white on the inside’
slam that is often flung at certain black kids. Many of my black students at Lehigh talk about this extensively — about how they are scrutinized, criticized, and mocked for “acting white” (i.e., for being exceptionally good students, dressing ‘clean cut,’ moving outside their neighborhoods of origin, etc., etc., etc.) Many of my Asian students at Lehigh talk about being called “bananas” (i.e., yellow on the outside but white on the inside) for dating white people, excelling in subjects other than math/science, playing physical-contact sports, etc., etc., etc. I’ve listened to them as they tell me their experiences with these slams — and our conversations have been deep, dark, soul-searching conversations. I’ve handed them Kleenex as 300 pound gorgeous football-playing black guys have cried on the couch in my office. And I’ve hugged them as beautiful sparkling the-world-in-the-palm-of-their-hands Asian young women have fallen apart in front of me while recounting their stories. My conversations with these students on the topics of “oreos” and “bananas” have been gut-wrenching and heart-breaking… even long before I became the mother of Kyle and Owen. And now, these conversations have taken on a whole new depth for me as I worry about what the future holds for my precious boys. I cringe, even as I type ‘o-r-e-o’. For as much as we try to devote ourselves to parenting them in a way that will help them to
know and
embrace their ‘blackness,’ I’m very aware that we will not be able to protect them from the slamming slashing ‘oreo’
junk that will surely be flung their way. Today I read a great post on a blog I like. It articulates so many of my own thoughts and questions, but so much better than I could have written myself. Read it by
clicking here (blog is My American Melting Pot, post is dated April 30).
2 weeks ’till due date. At my OB appointment Tuesday I found out that I was 60% effaced. The best news is the new estimates of Baby Sister’s size… about 6 pounds, maybe 7 tops (not the 8+ that they estimated a couple weeks ago). Of course these are just guesstimates, but still– 6 pounds sounds more like it. My doctor said it will be “any day now”; ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO; but that it could also go all the way until May 15 too. We shall see. Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get through the boys’ birthday first.
I’m surprising even myself with how low-key I am feeling as we enter the 2-week-countdown-’till-due-date. I have moments of frantic stress, but generally I’m experiencing this period in our lives with surprising calm. I’m much more even-keeled than I’d have expected to be at this point. I’m much more laid back and relaxed about all that is on the horizon than I ever would have imagined I’d be. Part of it is that I feel the need to be as rock-solid as possible for K & O. There is so much going on in their little minds as they sense the approach of Baby Sister’s arrival. Their anticipation is so thick you could cut it with a knife. They have been wanting a baby sibling for as long as they can remember. They have talked about it openly and asked for it explicitly since the time they started talking– literally. And now, it is upon them. And they know it. Great expectations. And yet an intense sense of the unknown. It is a lot for two big little boys.
*
For the past 2-3 weeks or so we’ve been watching their emotions manifest in many different ways. They are much more cuddly and need a lot more physical attention (hugs, snuggles, cuddles) than usual. They talk about Baby Sister constantly (it is clearly at the surface of their minds). They get frustrated more easily and lash out more quickly. And they act up more than they normally do. At the same time, they are cool as cucumbers. When gifts arrive for Baby Sister (which they regularly do), K & O take it in stride and have never once expressed (in any way) any sort of jealousy or envy. When people focus their attention on me/my pregnancy and how I’m feeling, etc. (which they regularly do), K & O just go with the flow and have never once demanded the focus to shift to them. When they see me putting their old books and toys in the baby’s room they act 100% unphased. As we’ve been ‘nesting’ like crazy and re-arranging our entire house, K & O have never once batted an eye. And yet their anxiety pops up in fits and starts– the anticipation is palpable.
*
A couple of weeks ago we visited friends who have baby 8-month-old twins. Kyle and Owen were not themselves during the visit. They were acting up a lot, not listening, and were very revved up. During the visit they were not allowed to do much with the babies (the babies’ parents were — as to be expected — very protective, and there were a lot of limits placed on how K & O could interact with the babies). The visit did not go as K & O had hoped (they had hoped to be able to hold the babies, touch the babies, maybe even feed the babies, etc.). In the car afterward we had a big conversation de-briefing about the visit. In an unbelievably articulate way, both K & O (initiated by K) explained their feelings– They told us that they were feeling “mad” and “angry” and “frustrated” because they wanted their “own baby to be born” and they were “upset” that “Baby Sister was not coming out yet.” This totally threw Braydon and I for a loop. We were shocked, actually. We had been upset by their behavior during the visit. We had been thinking they were tired or bored or maybe even jealous of all the attention the babies were getting. But we really had not put 2 & 2 together to realize that for K & O it was all about Baby Sister (of course, in retrospect it is obvious, but at the time it was not obvious to us at all– it had never even occurred to us actually). We four had a big long talk about all of this in the car. This was one of a few similar experiences during which K & O have expressly articulated their own sense of anticipation, excitement, and frustration over this whole waiting-for-baby process.
*
This afternoon I picked the boys up from school. They played on the playground with their friends for awhile and all was o.k. But upon arriving home they were at each other and fighting non-stop. Bickering. Grabbing. Shoving. Snide comments. Bad behavior. I had to send Owen to his room at one point for purposefully slamming the door in Kyle’s face (and accidentally jamming Kyle’s fingers in the door). While he was up in his room I said to Kyle (who was by no means solely an innocent victim in all that had been going down), “Kyle, why do you think Owen is acting up so much today?” And here is what happened next~~
~~~
Kyle: I think because he’s frustrated.
Heather: Oh?
K: That’s why he’s acting up. Because he’s so frustrated. He’s frustrated because Baby Sister is not coming out. That’s why he’s acting up.
H: Oh. Frustrated.
K: He’s getting frustrated it isn’t coming before our birthday. It’s taking too long for her to come.
H: Oh. Are you frustrated too?
K: Yes. Because I want her to come. Before our birthday, not after. I want her to come Friday. Not waiting and waiting and waiting for her to come. Not waiting and waiting and waiting for her to get borned.
H: Do you think that’s why you are acting up so much today too Kyle? Is that why?
K: Yes, I think so. I think so. I’m getting so tired of waiting for her to get borned.
*
Nothing about Baby Sister had been mentioned all afternoon. I had been thinking they were just having an ‘off’ day, or that they were unsettled because Braydon has been working such long hours the past couple of days (they have hardly seen him since Monday). So Kyle’s explanation caught me off guard. A couple of minutes later I went upstairs to get Owen. Alone with him in his room I asked him, “Owen, why are you acting up so much today?”
O: Because I’m frustrated.
H: Oh?
O: I already told you that. I’m frustrated.
H: Kyle said that he thinks you’re frustrated because Baby Sister isn’t born yet. Is that right?
O: Yes, that’s what I already told you.
H: Oh.
O: I am feeling so frustrated that she’s not getting born yet. I want my baby to come out. I want my baby to come out in zero sleeps. My baby needs to come out of that belly. Why it is taking so long? Why?
H: Because she’s just not ready yet. It will be after your birthday. A few days after your birthday.
O: I want it before my birthday now. I want to have the birthday so we can get that baby borned out.
H: It will be soon.
O: Not soon enough.
Braydon had to leave early this morning for a meeting, so I drove the boys to school. From the minute we got into the car they were at each other– Owen grabbed Kyle’s hat, K grabbed O’s hat, O threw K’s hat, K threw O’s hat, O tugged on K’s hood, K slapped O on the shoulder, O shoved K, etc…. lots of fussing and carrying on. About three minutes into the drive I had had enough. “Boys! Cut it out! CUT! IT! OUT! That’s ENOUGH!” Silence for about 60 seconds. Then:
K: Mommy?
H: Yes Kyle?
K: Mommy, I’m getting mad at you.
O: Me too!
K: Mommy, I think Owen is feeling angry. Angry at you Mommy. And I’m getting mad at you too.
H: O.k. You can be mad at me.
K: Actually, I’m getting mad at Owen. Yes. I’m getting mad at Owen.
O: I’m having a bad day. Mommy, did you hear me? I said, ‘I’m having a bad day.’
H: Oh. Owen, why are you having a bad day?
O: I am having a bad day. Because you are saying mean things to me Mommy. You are saying very mean things to me and to Kyle.
H: Like what? What mean things am I saying?
O: You said ‘that’s enough!’ That was very mean. That’s why I’m mad at you Mommy. That’s why. And that’s why I’m having a bad day. That’s why.
H: O.k.
K: I’m mad at Owen. I’m super mad at Owen.
O: Kyle, why are you mad at me? Why Kyle?
K: Because you broke my hood Owen! You broke my hood and you threw my hat!
O: Oh.
K: That’s why!
O: Oh. Kyle, I have an idea– let’s be mad at Mommy.
K: O.k.
O: We’re mad at Mommy. Right Kyle?
K: Yes, that’s right!
O: That’s exactly right! We’re mad at Mommy!
K: Yes! She needs to go to her room!
O: Yes, and she needs to have a big huge time out!
K: Yes! She is poopie Mommy!
O: Yes! Poopie Mommy!
K: Owen, let’s talk about POOP!
O: POOP!
K: Poop and poop and poop!
O: Pooooooooop!!!!!!
[hysterical laughter, followed by happy banter for the rest of the drive to school]
If you haven’t adopted children from a place like Haiti, then you might not understand the
depths of what goes on in the hearts and minds of adoptive parents like us. In which case, you have no right to criticize us for our feelings and thoughts (i.e., to all of you who seem to get off on leaving hurtful anonymous comments on our blog: please don’t leave any nasty comments to this post– I’m just going to delete them anyway so it is just a waste of your time). Having said that… Braydon and I have minds that go-go-go non-stop ALL. THE. TIME. We can’t help it, it is just the way we are. One whole category of thoughts that we can’t halt is a running stream of consciousness of compare-and-contrast regarding our boys. We try to stay educated on what is happening in Haiti. We try to always be mindful of our boys’ roots. Especially now, as they are so young, it is important that we do that because they can’t do that for themselves yet. And so we do. There are thoughts — many of them — that we don’t share on this blog and that we rarely share with anyone but each other. Mostly though, we just try to
remember. The photo at the top of this post was taken by Troy Livesay (link to the Livesay Haiti Blog by
clicking here). Troy took the photo recently in Port au Prince. Not that it even matters (all things considered), but the photo was taken in a part of Port au Prince that is not even the “worst” part. K & O were born in the “worst” part — Cite Soleil. The photo below it is of K & O playing in our front yard on Wednesday evening. Click the photos to enlarge them. We try not to get up on our soap box… but for anyone who is considering adopting from Haiti — please always know that you can contact us for support and encouragement at any time. Compare and Contrast. ~HBJ
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