On this day in celebration of Heather’s 36 years on this earth, we are more grateful than ever for her birth. With all she does for so many people and her wonderful spark of life, we love Heather so dearly and we are so thankful for her presence in our lives.
And in typical Heather fashion, she eschewed a cake at night and preferred home made pecan sticky buns for breakfast. It was the perfect way to start the day.
Honestly, there is so much to say. I have never been one to lack blogging material. I have 3 million thoughts each day that could be subjects of blog posts. But right now I just feel a strong sense that I shouldn’t be blogging. I’ve been plodding along, but suddenly it just doesn’t feel right, and I feel like it is time to call it like it is and take a blog break for a little while. As I am having the best summer of my life with a new adorable baby girl, two cool 4-year olds, and my husband-soul-mate, miles away my cousin Karen is suffering the worst kind of suffering. It is too much to grasp. Right now we’re in a holding pattern — just waiting. Here in Pennsylvania we are waiting to hear that the end has come. Waiting each hour for updates from the hospital in New Hampshire. Waiting to hear that relief and sweet peace have come for Karen. Waiting to hear that a new long chapter of a terribly painful journey has just begun for her husband and two little girls, for my aunt, uncle, and cousin (Karen’s brother), our entire family, all of her friends and the people she has touched in this world. Sometimes being far from the rest of my family feels really far. Now is one of those times. And yet, somehow, times like this are a reminder to me of how nonexistent time and space and distance really are. If you believe, if you are faithful, if you pray, please send out a loving wish for peace and strength for Karen, her family, and all who suffer so in the world right now. And please pray for creativity and ambition to all those out there working to find a cure for cancer. If you’re interested in the blog my cousin’s husband has been keeping, you can link to it here: http://karenstasko.wordpress.com/
If you ask K & O what they want to be when they grow up they say, “Travelers!” If you ask them what their favorite thing to do is, they’ll say “go on trips!” Their love of travel comes through loud and clear in their daily play. I mentioned in this recent post their obsession with playing “Travellers.” According to their teacher from this past year, they got their entire pre-school class wrapped up in this at school every day — I wrote about that in this post from last March. This summer, with them at home, I’ve had a chance to watch the two of them play ‘Travel’ on a daily basis. It is always a variation on a theme. But it is always elaborate, dramatic, vividly imaginative play. They make an airplane with blankets, pillows, chairs, etc. They work hard to construct the airplane’s wings, jet engine, cockpit, etc. They discuss in great detail the trip they are on, where they are going, which airports they are flying through, etc. They pack up bags, bring their carry on’s through security (including taking their shoes off), etc. Snacks are often involved (for eating on the plane). Recently maps have become a regular addition to their Traveling play. And in the past few days they’ve been adding Meera to the whole thing too – they put her Bjorn chair in between their seats so that they are all sitting together in the same row on the plane. They will sometimes wait for hours (literally) for Meera to wake up from a nap so that she can join them on the plane before taking off. They seem to always be jetting off to some fabulous beach for a glorious vacation. Watching all this play everyday has me reminiscing about all the fabulous beaches we’ve been on with K & O for glorious vacations… and all the amazing trips we’ve had (even when they haven’t involved a beach). So far they’ve been on 14 trips involving air travel, and numerous other road trips. I was inspired to look through some of the photos from our early vacations with the boys. Here are a few of my favorites.
This is what we did today (click here). A fun, fun, fun day!
Q: My name is Stella, and I’m 15. I love love LOVE your blog! Your boys are such a joy to read about, and I love their spirit and the way your family does everything! Something that struck me awhile ago was when Kyle and Owen were wearing tutus. You have no idea how cool that is to me! I know so many people who would gasp in horror at the idea of letting their boys wear tutus, but you guys are so open, and you just let your boys [and now GIRL] do their own thing! I love your way of parenting! I often babysit kids, and cringe at the way some people treat their little ones. You guys rock! I don’t have a question yet, but I wanted to say hi anyway, and I’ll keep thinking about a good question for you!
H’s Answer: Thank you for reading Stella! And thank you for the compliment about our parenting. Just the other day K & O were running around with nothing on but those pink tutus (because they were absolutely naked except for the tutus I won’t be posting photos of that here on the blog!). I thought of you while I was watching them.
B’s Answer: –
I think it’s really cool that the boys love doing this, and we make a very strong effort to not discourage them from exploring things that are typically considered “girly.” Some would say that for black boys, that anything other than creating a strong sense of masculinity will just make it harder for them, but in my experience I have found that the strongest men are the ones who are most comfortable with gender.Q: Hi Heather and Fam-It’s Marsha Bowersox, a former student of Heather’s (MA, 2002) and a big fan of your blog for many reasons. I love the living, thinking, moving sociology incorporated into your daily lives. I love that you take the time to tell others about how you’re parenting. And most of all, I love that you’re phenomenal role models for someone like me– kids are definitely in the long-term plan, but how? when? where?why?!?I started reading during some long, lonely days in the place I currently call home- Transylvania, Romania. Email, blogs, and really any link to friends & family really brighten my days.My question: Is it truly possible in 2008 to raise kids without gender biases?
H’s Answer: Hi Marsha!!!! I love that you’re reading our blog from Transylvania! And you know that I love you and am so proud of you! (To all of you reading out there—this is one of my best grad students of all time—look for her name in the future… she’s going to do something great with her sociology!!!!!!)… So… thanks for the yes/no question Marsha (see! You *are* a good student – doing exactly what is asked of you by the prof!)… So, the answer to your question is NO. It is not truly possible in 2008 to raise kids without gender biases. Here is a good sociology book you can read on this subject if you haven’t read it already: Gender Vertigo: American Families in Transition, by Barbara Risman.
B’s Answer: I don’t think it’s possible to raise any child in this society without a gender, race or class bias. Nor do I think you would want to really; I believe that to be color (or gender or class) blind is to ignore the difficulties of disadvantaged people. I believe that the best you can do is raise them with a sense of awareness, empathy and justice. I hope we can do that, we work very hard on it.Q: Hi! I’m a grad student at Stanford and have been reading pretty much every day now for a little over a year now. I read mostly because I find daily inspiration here to keep going as an ambitious female in academe. Thank you for giving living color to the POTENTIAL to have a strong family and a powerful career as a woman. You are literally the only proof I have that it might actually be possible for me. And believe me, there are many days when I really need that to keep going (I’m sure you get it). One thing I love about your blog is that it gives me so much food for thought in regards to gender (both in terms of partner/relationship and parenting). So my question is this: Now that Meera is in the picture do you think you will raise her any differently than you raise the boys in regards to gender? Do you think it is more important to be aware of gender in your parenting now that you have a girl, or is it no different than before? Do you and Braydon talk about this stuff? And if you’re willing to answer an open ended question: how do you think about gender/parenting differently now that you have boys AND a girl??? Would love to hear your thoughts. Again, I really appreciate your blog. Thanks for not being afraid to put it all out there. And thanks for being a real life example that it can work as a HIGH-ACHIEVING MOTHER!!!!
H’s Answer: Oh, hello to you – whoever you are – pushing hard at Stanford. I feel for you, I totally do. I know how hard it is. Keep going and don’t stop. Thanks so much for your comment—it makes me feel good to know that you’re reading. The thing is, if you were one of my students you’d get a lot more than this blog re: this subject. I try to be really honest with my students – both male and female – both undergrad and grad – about the challenges, pitfalls, and sheer pain of trying to do this whole career-and-family-thing. I also try to be honest with them about the beauty and joy and gratification of it. I think academics are in a particular situation, too, so if you plan to go on to stay in the academy, you’ll be presented with a whole series of challenges and privileges that are pretty unique to our realm (I’m sure you know a lot about this already). Be sure to be in touch with me via email anytime and I’ll do what I can for moral support. My basic answer to your question is that no, I don’t think of parenting differently now that we have a girl. I am thinking now about things like eating disorders (which I wasn’t thinking too much about before) but other than that, it is not much different for me. But- I am going to let Braydon answer this question because it is too huge for me and if I get started I’ll write an entire book on this blog about it. Again, Stanford gal, thanks for writing and keep up your good work!
B’s Answer: Hi thank you for your sweet comment, that means so much to us! I believe that too much responsibility for changing gender inequality has been put on women and that men have largely escaped any kind of accountability for fixing gender problems. And I am not talking superficial things like that it’s ok for women to wear pants, but not ok for men to wear dresses. I am talking about more structural things like that our country is setup in almost all its institutions to benefit a patriarchial setting. For example, schools let out around 2 PM – um, hello?!?! Who do they expect to pick up the kinds – mom. If mom picks up the kids at 2, then how will she work? If she’s not working, how does she have anything other than dependence on her husband. If she has no independence, how can she make a case for equality? She can’t. It’s totally not fair.And the problem with this, is that it’s just sooooo much easier to go along with it than to fight it. But when women and men go along with it, then it puts them both at a disadvantage to make any change; the women is disempowered for change and the man is empowered to keep things status quo.
So, we put a lot of focus on gender in our family, in terms of justice. All three are so young now, that we don’t have discussions about gender specifically, but I am very sure we will over time. We just come at it from a foundational belief in equality. You can see how that effects what we do with the boys, what we encourage, what we don’t discourage. Does that mean we will have Meera wear pants only in boy colors? Of course not, that debases the entire framework and adds no value to the notion of equality. Does that mean we will not have difficulties with gender in our lives? Ha!
What it means is that at least we’re aware and doing what we can to make it better. And I think that’s really all you can do.
But before I get off my soapbox, I just want to say, that I am no perfect guy when it comes to gender. I work on it, I am aware of it, but we still really struggle with who is on the hook to get the boys when the school calls and they are sick and need to be picked up. Most of the time it falls to Heather. But we’re working on it.
On Friday night Owen had a nightmare. He has a history of these, going back to his having night terrors as a little baby. The night terrors were so traumatic for us – he would be wailing and wailing, screaming, with his eyes wide open, his little body completely stiff.
At first we thought we should wake him, but read about it and found that it’s not really a good idea to wake him and that as far as the research can tell, kids who have night terrors have no recollection of it. The research also says that there is no apparent cause for night terrors, it’s just something that happens. Of course, with his past, we are skeptical about there being no cause.
His night terrors have since gone away, but he still has nightmares from time to time. It will go for a few weeks with out having any, then he will have them a few nights in a row. Couple this with the fact that he hates going to bed, sleeping, or in anyway being out of the action and once he has a nightmare and wakes up, it’s really tough to get him back into bed and going to sleep.
As the one mostly responsible for night-time childcare, I have long struggled with this. I don’t have a lot of patience in the wee hours of the night (only saints do I think), but being impatient typically makes things worse. On the worst of nights, I’ll be up with Owen for a couple or more hours. Fortunately, that does not happen too often!
On Friday night around 2 AM, Owen had a nightmare and I was up with him. While I was dealing with this, Heather got up and fed the baby. It could have been a little party! Heather suggested that instead of trying to get him to go back to sleep, that I change tactics (which she is much better at than I am) get up with him, and go watch the Olympics. I have been having trouble staying asleep, so this made good sense.
Owen and I went downstairs and turned on NBC. It was a recap of the women’s all around gymnastics finals with Shawn Johnson and Nastia Lukin. Since the gymnastics has typically only been on in prime time, the boys have not really been able to see it. This was Owen’s first extended exposure to it.
And he LOVED it. He loved sitting there and cuddling with me and having something to drink. He loved watching those amazing athletes do their floor exercises. Tumbling astounded him, with how high they could jump. He said on more than one occasion “Whoa!” When it came to the uneven bars he said “Papi! That looks fun!!!” Heather reported to me that she heard him saying Papi this and papi that many many many times. It was joyous for him.
And heaven for me.
The next summer Olympics, the boys will be eight years old; how time flies. I wonder if in the 2012 Olympics, will I be up at 3 AM watching highlights with Owen again, recovering from a nightmare.
I can only hope, insane as that might sound.
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