It. Is. Done.!!!!!!! Thank the heavens. That was intense. We appreciate all of your questions folks, but suffice it to say: We’ll never do that again!!! Next time, the questions will be “yes or no” questions only!!! But… we did enjoy it. And now we’re celebrating that it is over. Wooo Hooooo!!!!!
This book/can of worms… whatever… is CLOSED!!!!!
And they all lived happily ever after. The End.
Here are the final answers to the questions!!!!!
happy mom said… I would like a list of your favorite books about adoption and/or raising black children. More of a request I suppose.
Dear Happy Mom: I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time because several people have actually emailed me over the past few months asking me to do exactly this. I don’t have time to do this now… but I PROMISE that soon (sometime in the next couple of weeks) I will do a really good Top Ten List of Books for Black Kids. I also will give some suggestions for good books about adoption/raising black children. O.k.? Sorry to put you off, but I will make it worth the wait, I promise! In the meantime… I highly recommend the blog “A Wrung Sponge” — click here — the blogger is an adoptive mother of two black sons. She is a wonderful writer and avid reader and also a librarian. She often posts re: books that would be great for black kids. I really like her blog and read it often. Check it out!!!
Sarah said… One thing that I always wonder about families, in general, is about dinner and food preferences. I know you posted about how you used to cook so much and you wish you still have the time for more elaborate meals. But how do you feed 2 pre-schoolers who, presumably, have different tastes and appetites? Do they eat the same food? And when you have meals with the 4 of you together – is it a challenge to keep the 2 active guys at the table? The ideal in our family is that we sit at the table until everyone is done, but it is definitely a challenge at times and wonder if it’s appropriate at this age.
Sarah, this is such a sociological question (kinda like Laura’s!!) It doesn’t surprise me at all that you asked this! Food/dinner is crazy-making and the most stressful part of my life right now. K & O are good eaters, but it is crazy and stressful nonetheless. I serve food and refuse to be a short-order cook. I give them a couple simple options for breakfast and lunch. But for dinner, they get whatever I’m making (or whatever I’m ordering for take-out as the case may be!!!!!!!) If they won’t eat what I’m serving they always have two options as alternatives (and only these two): yogurt and/or hummus on wheat bread. Usually they eat whatever we have – or at least enough of it to be o.k. But when they won’t (every once in a while), they can choose either yogurt of the hummus. We try to eat all four of us together at least 5 nights a week at this point. It is incredibly challenging to keep the “2 active guys at the table!”!!!!! INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING. Just ask anyone who has ever eaten a meal with us!!! LOL!!!!!! I’m not sure if it is age-appropriate either, but we force it. For better or for worse, we force it.*Anonymous said… OK i’ve been thinking about this and it is almost midnight so I have to post before you stop the clock on this!!! LOL!!!! Question: Can you tell us your favorite family friendly meals you do regularly?? I can’t even imagine trying to cook for TWO three year olds (and having to do it after a long day at work!!!)! We have one and we’re going nuts. What are your staple quick family meals/?????? Thanks! love your blog – Macionis family (south eastern Iowa)
Hi! Some of our favorite relatively easy REGULAR family dinners are simple easy pastas (such as pesto, sundried tomato & chicken, shrimp scampi, white bean& spinach) and a salad; quesadillas, rice and black beans; blackened fish (pan sauteed), mashed potatoes and green beans; grilled shish-ka-bobs, couscous, salad; soup, salad, cheese and bread; grilled sausage and/or hot dogs & baked beans; homemade pizza (crust made with pizza dough bought from local pizza shop — most people don’t realize this, but you can usually go in and ask to buy a ‘dough ball’ and they’ll give you one for a dollar or two); vegetarian chili. Then of course there are all the times we ‘cheat’ — rotisserie chicken from the grocery store deli; Chinese food; Indian food; Greek food; Japanese food/sushi; Mexican food; (as you can tell we’re big into ethnic food at our house). Then, of course, we have: going out to eat. We probably go out to eat about once a week or so. Honestly, I feel like I’m going nuts right with you… you’re not alone!!! As I’ve said many times on this blog, this is really my big, huge stressor right now. If you (or anyone else reading this) has any other ideas for quick easy family dinners please please please share them here in the comments section!!! Please!!!
*
Mayhem said… I am about a quarter of the way through your book, Heather, and I’m kind of collecting questions as I read. Some of my questions are being answered by the book itself, but would it be okay if I talked/emailed you sometime about the rest? I’m absolutely wondering more about how you make school/education choices for the boys.
Hi Amanda!!! Definitely we can talk/email about my book anytime!!! Very soon (like this week) you’ll be reading about a big school/education decision we’ve recently made for the boys. So, I’m going to cut this answer short and let you wait for that. Definitely email me at some point so we can connect in more depth about this stuff. I am also very curious about how you are dealing with the school decisions in your family. The whole white-parents-of-black-BOYS throws a big wrench into it. In my book *that* isn’t discussed (because it is so rare)… Anyway, yes, let’s TALK!!!FYI: Amanda– I recently found out that Melanie Downard lives near you???????!!!!!! OMG!!!! Email me!
*trish said… I know it is way past midnight on Tuesday there but I’m going by my clock on the other side of the continent! My girls have been asking a lot of questions lately about the many homeless people we see when we are out and about. What kind of conversations, actions, do you have or plan to have with K & O regarding this subject? I feel fortunate to hear your input – both the professional and the mom.Hi Trish! I think because your girls are a year older you’re probably dealing with this now in a way that we are not yet. I’m really fascinated by what Summer and Aubrey have said, so I’d love to hear about this more in depth. K & O have not started asking questions about homelessness/poverty at all yet. So far they seem 100% oblivious (and believe me, as you can imagine, I’m watching closely for any signs of their observation!!!). So… we have not had conversations or actions yet about this in any real way. Let’s chat via email about this, though, ok. Definitely email me anytime and we can connect about this because it is a very interesting subject that I enjoy discussing (and something I’ve actually done some research on too). One thing I can tell you, for certain, is that in my own research I find that by age five kids are already thinking a LOT about social inequality, poverty, homelessness, etc. Also, I’ve gotta tell you something– this is so CRAZY that you asked this question because it is yet another example of how you and I are somehow crazily connected through some weird spiritual connectedness cosmos… this (what you’ve asked about) is, basically, the subject of my next book! How BIZARRE is that? I swear, we’re connected in some weird surreal way. I know I’ve said it before, but gosh, I wish we lived near each other. I think you’d be my BFF. We better plan some sort of a visit with each other because I refuse to wait until the engagement parties to meet you and Alex face to face. xoxoxo future mother-in-law to your daughters, heather P.S. the latest ‘train’ photos on your blog are beautiful, of course.
Braydon’s LAST answers!
vy said… Hi! I’ve been lurking forever, enjoying your stories and pictures of your family.I have a soon-to-be 3 year old daughter adopted from China. My hubby and I have been approved for our next adoption but I’m leaning towards Ethiopia and my hubby towards China.I have 2 questions for you. 1) We do not live in a multi-cultural area. (1 hour outside Copenhagen, Denmark) The only Asian people around are at the local Chinese restaurant. We have friends that came home with their daughter from China 1 week after us and the girls see each other at least every other week. Do you have any suggestions for Asian exposure? Eating Chinese food every once in a while just isn’t enough.2)Any comments on pros and cons of siblings with different race/culture (Chinese & Ethiopian) vs. same race/culture (both Chinese)??Love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!-Violet
Hi Violet –I think there are two questions here, one of race and one of ethnicity. They are both intertwined and not easy to answer. In general, as you’ve already said, going out to eat is not enough – what that means to me is that you want to have more exposure to both racially and ethnically diverse people and events.
Now, before I go further, I think it’s important to note that what I just said sounds very strange and uncomfortable – it sounds like a white family attempting to exploit another people for their race and culture. That is not my intention at all. As I see it, in our case, our kids are black; we are white. Since we don’t know about being black, and can’t help our kids viscerally understand it, it’s our obligation to make sure they have exposure to other black people. It’s not for us, it’s for our kids. It’s not about taking advantage, it’s about making sure our kids have what they need to grow up happy and healthy.
So, in our case that means we have actively sought environments and relationships with black people and also Haitian people. We are also looking seriously at where we live and working on deciding to live in an area where there are more black people.
Heather, of course, is a wealth in working on this. Her work is race and class in the US, so she has incredible knowledge about the topic. That said, implementing it in our life is challenging. So – she has been able to tie into the black community of students at Lehigh which is great. We also make an effort to go to events that are black focused. We have also built a strong network of Haitian adopted families – that has been fantastic.
So – I am not sure how you might go about it in terms of Asian or Ethiopian, but I do think it’s important for kids to spend time with others of their same race and ethnicity. But it is a struggle, and we struggle with it too.
lori said… We are a transracial adoptive family (my husband and I are white and our daughter is bi-racial) and our daughter loves to look at the photos of your boys. Sadly, due to the area we live in, somedays your boys are the only brown faces she sees (we’re working on moving as I type). Thanks for that. My question is: What do you do when you are confronted with racist/innapropriate comments in front of your boys? We need some help in this area. thanks for sharing your journey.
Hi Lori –
Strangely, we don’t get much in the way of overt racist comments. Most people who are not friendly stay clear of us. I also practice wearing the protective veil (the one that says “I don’t see you, don’t want to see you and won’t see you even if you speak to me, so don’t bother”). We do however get many good intentioned, but racist comments. And when it does happen, Heather and I tend to take similar approaches, and it depends on the situation.
With our families, or close relatives, we tend to call them on it, duke it out and then move on. We’ve explored it together and by and large everyone is good with it. With friends we tend to ignore the comment and switch the subject. Friends we find are the toughest ones – you don’t want to alienate, but you don’t want it to happen either. Sometimes we gently correct with appropriate language, if they friend wants to discuss, we discuss.
With strangers, we tend to do one of three things: 1. ignore it completely and ignore them (just keep walking), or just answer. 2. Gently correct and NOT engage in any dialog about it. We never engage in dialog about it – we have found it’s just not worth it. I was not put on this earth to educate every person out there about black people, black kids and adoption. I just wasn’t and my kids were not either. They should not have to be “ambassadors to their race” 3. Smile, nod and play dumb. “What do you mean?” “I don’t quite understand”. 90% of the time that makes them backtrack. And it’s fun to watch.
We’re trying to teach our kids that the world, while beautiful, rich, and wonderful, is also totally insane. It’s not them, it’s the world. They hear and see and experience things that are just nuts. Don’t let it get to them and don’t let it rule them. Just move on and plow ahead.
We’ve gotten more quotes that I can remember, but here are some of my “favorites”:
1. “I assume those are *your* children????” – Park ranger who pulled us over in a National Park for the boys sticking their heads out the window to gwak at the ponies. My answer: “Yes, that’s correct.” We got a $50 ticket. Race, or justice. You decide.
2. “You just wrote your ticket to Heaven.” – Co-worker who thought it was great that we adopted from Haiti. My answer: totally ignored it.
3. “Black people all love friend chicken” – friend at dinner. My answer: ignore it but only because we were in total shock and went numb — we could barely even comprehend it actually happened until after the dinner when we then discussed it (and all the things we coulda/shoulda said) late into the night.
4. “Dave Chappell is so funny. He says “n—– this and n—– that”. – an acquaintance. My answer: ignore it and leave the room (in an obvious display of disgust).
5. “We used to call those [brazil] nuts ‘n—–‘ toes.” – a very old relative. My answer: Ignore it and debrief with the rest of the family later and get really angry and confused. Then celebrate how far we’ve all come… despite the fact that even just one generation ago it was commonplace in our white families to use the ‘n’ word.
6. “Move away from those boys honey, they are too rough.” – a playmate’s mother. This doesn’t seem racist, but there were other kids just as rough and there was no problem with them. My answer: “go Kyle! go Owen!, great job, now do a jumping forward roll!”
7. “They are going be football stars!” – we get a lot of that. If I have to explain it, then you won’t get it. My response: “Kyle is a great golfer, Owen is great swimmer, they both have an aptitude for music and reading.”
8. “Do they speak English?” – somebody – when they were 8 months old. My answer: “I don’t think so, they are only 8 months old.” We get that now too (they are 3). My response now: “What do you mean?”A & B Baxter said… Sorry this question is coming in late- hope you’re still taking them? We’re in the process of adopting a baby (probably 6-12 months old when we bring her home) from Ethiopia. What’s your advice for the transition and attachment related adjustments when we get her? I’ve been reading books but it would be really wonderful to get a “real” family’s perspective (a family who has actually gone through it). Did you let people visit right away? How long did you wait to leave the house? Etc.? Thanx. Alicia & Bob Baxter, Burlington Vermont
Hi Alicia and Bob! Hope the adoption is going well – hang in there! In terms of adoption, Heather read a ton, and she found that “Attaching in Adoption” by Deborah Gray was the best. CLICK HERE. But this is what we did:
1. Fed them bottles, many bottles. Stroked their cheeks and palms while feeding. Made sure they looked us in the eye.
2. Cuddled as much as possible. Skin to skin (like with no shirt on).We did not let people visit. We actually had a VERY strict policy (that our folks hated). No visitors at all for the first few days. Then only after a week, Heather’s parents came over. But we didn’t let them feed K & O and we did not let them hold the boys much. They basically stayed downstairs and cooked and cleaned (thank you again Janet and Don!). We stayed upstairs in the boys’ room at all times, we only came out to go to the kitchen or family room to feed the boys’ bottles. Slowly we started to expose the boys to other rooms in the house. Until eventually they were living in the whole house (we did this over about 4 weeks time). Starting around Week 2, we had visiting hours (couple hours each day max). We also didn’t go out much at first, except to take walks in the stroller, which we did all the time. Slowly we eased up and gradually we acclimated into a ‘normal’ routine. Within five weeks we were going out and about and doing a relatively normal-family-life.
Mayhem said… I’d love to read about how you met and decided to marry.
Hi Mayhem – thanks for asking! Here is the scoop – Heather and I both went to Colby College in Waterville Maine. We were in the same class, but even through it’s a very small (1,600 students) college, we didn’t meet until senior year. The day before classes started, I walked into a party in a dorm room basement and there Heather was. I saw her across the room, she saw me, we walked up to each other and started talking. We left holding hands and never stopped.
After being together as a serious couple for 8 years, we decided to get married. We actually debated it for a long time. Not that we weren’t in love, but because of the inequality in the world – so many people who can’t be married – even ones that want to and deserve to. And there are so many gender problems with the institution of marriage, we were not sure we wanted to support that.
Ultimately we decided several things: 1. That it’s not wrong to be married – it’s wrong that others can’t be. 2. There are problems (as we see it) with the traditional marriage structure, but we could make it as we saw fit 3. We knew were were going to adopt and not being married would make it that much more difficult and also challenging for our kids.
After processing all that, one night, a day or two after Heather had gotten her tonsils out at age 27 (very very painful), and Heather’s mom had left and I was left caring for her – and I did it, she realized she wanted to get married. And a little after that, I did too. And on September 15th, 2001; we did. And I am so glad we did.
Topics: Dreadlocks and Students
Tim & Sarah said… We are in the process of adopting our boy from Haiti. I am just dying to know exactly how you got your boys hair to look so good, from beginning to now. They are the cutest boys, and this is what my husband and I want to do with our son. I am a therapist and my husband is a fire fighter….. What do you all do for a living? If you prefer to email me about the boys hair, my mail is ___. Hope to hear from you soon. Love, Sarah in Indiana!
Sarah— HI! I have to tell you: thank you so much for the compliments about the boys’ hair. As a white mom the hair is a huge, huge deal. HUGE learning curve, and HUGE huge huge HUGE ‘thing’ in the way the black community interacts with us. I’ll take any compliments I can get. So, thank you. :0 In March I did a huge post about the boys’ hair (CLICK HERE FOR THE DREADLOCKS POST) I have been wanting to update that, though—- because since the beginning of this summer we have completely 100% changed our hair routine. We are now almost exclusively using Carol’s Daughter products and man, oh man, oh man! This stuff is awesome. It is expensive, but it is like liquid (or cream!) GOLD. The loc butter is the best. But we love it all (and are using everything at this point — from their shampoos to their hair oils and their hair balm). Can’t say enough about it. Check it out at: http://www.carolsdaughter.com/
Sarah, see answer below – go ahead and email me if you want to talk more about locs.
What we do for a living – I (Heather) = sociology professor. Braydon = currently starting his own business AND working full time as a technology executive for a fortune 50 company.
Michelle said… I have a 10 month old African American daughter who was adopted last October. We are seriously considering locs for our daughter and, like Sarah, we’d love to hear how you started and maintained your sons’ hairstyles. Also — I would love to hear how you are bringing their birthculture into their lives.
Michelle, See answer above re: hair. If you want to talk more about hair, definitely email me—hbj2@lehigh.edu I am happy to talk about the pro’s and con’s of locs for kids. Re: bringing K & O’s birthculture into their lives… it feels (to me) like we can never do enough in this area. It feels like a black hole that can never be really filled… it just seems like I can never feel satisfied with doing enough for them in this way. Anyway—we have lots and lots of Haitian art around our house, including in the boys’ rooms. We also have photographs on the walls and in photo books that are all over the place. We have been pointing this stuff out to the boys on a regular basis since day 1. They know what’s from “Haiti” and will show it to other people who are visiting our home. We also have quite a lot of Haitian and Caribbean music that we play, and a couple kids’ books and coffee table books that we look at and read with them regularly. We travel to the Caribbean once a year in the spring and make a huge deal out of it—that we are “so close to Haiti!” etc. We also try to get the boys together with other Haitian or Haitian-American folks (including kids). Whenever we hear about events in the area – concerts, performances, festivals, etc. we go out of our way to try to attend them. Those are some of the things we do. We’re working hard to do the best we can. But again, I just feel like we are never doing enough.Marnie said… I love hearing about K and O and so appreciate your perspective on the ephemeral nature of parenting young children. It reminds me to slow down and enjoy every moment. I would love to hear a bit more about hair too- I am debating styles for my son and K and O’s locs are so gorgeous. Did you decide to do it for cultural reasons?
Marnie, thank you so much for the compliment re: “ephemeral nature” – that means so, so, so much to me. Thank you. Re: locs — see two answers above (and go ahead and email me if you want). We decided to do dreadlocks in part for cultural reasons. See the post from March. If you want to discuss this more, be in touch!
Hi Heather!My friends/other students at Lehigh/kids in our past Intro recitations and I have been wondering this for awhile now. People asked ME this question at Lehigh ALL THE TIME! I don’t know why they thought I would know the answer to it!! I WISH I knew the answer, so hopefully, this is my chance to find it out!!The question is: How are you SO energetic and enthusiastic at home, in the classroom, at social events, etc., etc.??? How can you come into the room completely filled with energy when EVERYONE knows how crazy your life is??? Do you sleep?? Do you do drugs?? We all know you drink a LOT of coffee, but is that REALLY ENOUGH??? The only time I have seen you truly look tired was during the adoption process–which I think speaks to the real pain you guys went though…ANYWAY, please answer so we can all figure out how to find this secret energy!!!Miss you SO SO SO much!!!! Lots of love (from Chicago!!)MaggieHi Maggie. I love ya! O.k., here goes– I just am SO energetic and enthusiastic at home, in the classroom, at social events, etc. because that is just SO me. That’s just how I am. There is really no hidden secret or anything. The honest truth is that I just have a ton of energy. Always have. I am a naturally energetic person. Sometimes I’m slow and sluggish, but mostly not. I pop out of bed in the morning ready to go on most days. I have a lot to be excited about– my life is awesome and there is so much to it. I don’t have time to be down in the dumps! 😉 My life is crazy, but I do make a point to — as you say — “come into the room completely filled with energy when EVERYONE knows how crazy your life is” (I’m glad you perceive me that way, because I do try to do that for people)… I want people to always feel that I have time for them, that they are important, that I am 100% there, not distracted. My parents sort of taught me that through example. They were always very buys, but always had/have time for every individual (including me), and I think that is incredibly important. Do I sleep??—> yes, but not a lot! I need 6-7 hours consisently, but I can manage on 5. Re: drugs — no I don’t do drugs. This is the truth: I’ve never done drugs. Ever. Never even been seriously tempted. I’m very lucky that way. I have absolutely no desire for it. Yes, I do drink coffee, but not a lot (one cup in the a.m., one cup in the afternoon). And no, that that is REALLY NOT ENOUGH!!! But I try to keep it to 2 cups because otherwise I’m jittery! You are right: the only time you (and most Lehigh people) have seen me truly look tired was during the adoption process — I was very depressed during that time — and yes, you’re right: it speaks to the real pain we went though. Maggie, I miss you SO SO SO much too!!!!
Anonymous said… Hi. I’m a Lehigh alum. My question is do you feel uncomfortable knowing that a student (like me if I was still in college) could potentially find your blog??? I love to know about your home life because I always respected you so much as a professor and as a woman to look up to, but I wonder if you ever feel uncomfortable about the idea that anyone could “find” you and see you not as a Professor (like on campus you are so professional and so respected etc. in a powerful kind of way) but as a mother and everything. You don’t have to answer (and I’m not saying who I am), but I’d like to know if you would be willing to answer. Thank you for being a role model. from a former student.Hi whoever you are!!!! I am quite aware that my students at Lehigh (and my professional colleagues anywhere/everywhere) could be reading this blog at any time. I think that I’m at a point in my life where I’m self-confident enough to put myself out there. I put out there what I’m o.k. with the world knowing about me. There is tons we don’t put on this blog. Tons. We keep a lot to ourselves. This blog just skims the surface of us. But I’m comfortable with people knowing me in this way. I take mentoring extremely seriously. I also take role modeling extremely seriously. I believe that is a huge part of my job and I’m aware that it is part of my day-to-day life. I think that at this point in history it is very, very important for college-age students (female AND MALE) to have more examples of the REAL DEAL of working women and two-career families. I have nothing to hide (for the most part!!! LOL!!!), and I am comfortable knowing that the glossy illusion of Easy-Breezy-Beautiful-glossy-frosty-Lady is smashed via having a little glimpse into my ‘real’ life. I think students should know that I’m not effortlessly perfect. I’m not perfect (let alone effortlessly!!!) at all. I think they should know that I have a real ‘life’… they should know that I’m a real person who experiences real things. I don’t always wear make-up, I have a human body, I stress over what to have for dinner, my kids act up, life is chaotic, I fight with my husband. It is all part of life. That’s all good in my mind. Illusions and distance and fretting-over-intimacy is soooo not what I am about! As a sociologist, I know many people are interested in my parenting — specifically given the race dimensions of my situation. I don’t put a lot on this blog relative to all that I’m living. But I am comfortable knowing that people can and do read this. If it helps people in some way (any way), then that’s great. I have a couple students at Lehigh right now who I know are regular readers. When I see them in the classroom I’m totally o.k. with it. Life is complicated. And it is good for all of us when we can bridge the barriers and see each other more intimately. Thanks for reading, whoever you are!!!
I was curious how the boys did in coming home and going straight into daycare?Plus your opinion on what kinds of things to keep private about my Haitian children’s history. Like I said I am a sharer, but God has been teaching me about biting my tongue lately. And I really enjoyed your blog about this. And know I’m not trying to get you to divulge info to me I am just asking for examples or guidlines to think about. My two children have VERY different backgrounds.I’d appreciate any insight you may have.Thanks, Kristina
Kristina – our boys did absolutely GREAT coming home and going into daycare. They did not go straight, however. I took the spring semester off and they were home with me 24×7 from the time we came home in January through June 1. My university has a great leave policy for adoptive families and I was able to have a fully paid ‘maternity’ leave for that period. I believe the boys really benefited from that bonding we did during that time. Also, we were able to arrange our schedules so that for the first month (June 2005) that the boys were in daycare, they went only part-time (20 hours/week) and I believe this helped ease them into it. Starting July 1 they began full time (40 hours/week). Not many dual-career families can do this, and we feel/felt very fortunate for that.I have 2 tips for working mamas re: daycare: TIP #1) NEVER LET ‘EM SEE YOU SWEAT — I think the best thing that I/we did to prepare Kyle and Owen for daycare was to be *very* upbeat about it. Even though they were just barely 12 months old when they started we would clap and jump and talk very excitedly about “Daycare!!!” – like it was the best thing in the world! When we’d drive into the daycare parking lot I’d start singing “Daycare! Daycare! Daycare!” and I’d bring them in, happily, cheerily, and hugging the staff (so they’d see me comfortable with them). I worked hard to show zero anxiety on my part. They boys followed my cues. Then, I did what I learned from when I was a camp counselor— I cheerily said goodbye, kissed them quick, and turned and walked out the door. I just know it is soooo much harder on kids if mama lingers (as much as *I* want to linger!). Then, I’d get into the car, drive off, and start crying like a heart-broken-mama!!!!! TIP #2) ALWAYS WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA WHEN YOU HAVE TO DO DAYCARE DROP-OFF.
Re: what to keep quiet… my rule of thumb has been this: If Kyle and Owen don’t know about it yet, then nobody else does either. For us, it is as simple as that. There is stuff that we’re keeping private because we want Kyle and Owen to hear it first… when they are old enough to understand it/comprehend it/handle it. Then, it will be up to them to decide who/what to tell. FYI: We subscribe to a magazine called Adoptive Families. In the current issue they have a short article about exactly this topic. (click here for link to that magazine)
In January I wrote a long post discussing “Things We Did” when we first brought the boys home – click here.
Jaylen Dorio Abella said… Here is what I’ve been dying to know for the longest time about you: As a working mother myself I get tons of grief and hassle (mostly very subtle but very bothersome and hurtfull nonetheless) from SAHMs all the time. Does this happen to you? You never write anything about it I’ve noticed. The most horrid is the “Full Time Mom” phrase– implying that somehow I am a “Part Time Mom”?????? Like because I have a career my mothering is only part time (as if I’m not a mom while I’m at work???)? It makes me absolutely positively livid. But I have yet to figure out how to respond. I just sit there hurt and livid with nothing to say in response. How do you cope with this kind of thing? I need a clever brilliant response. Hope this comment isn’t too long. From one working mama committed to my work AND my family, to another- (oh, and I love your blog!!!) Jaylen Abella in upstate NY
Hi there Jaylen. I feel your pain. I really do. I do get a lot of ‘grief and hassle’ as you say. Everyday I feel that. Every day. It is very hard. And there is no way to escape it. And it is very isolating. Most of my friends are SAHMs. Most of my work colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. In my neighborhood I am one of only a couple working mothers. I am literally surrounded by SAHMs and they constantly do things (I’m sure mostly unintended) that really hurt my feelings. Mostly, though, my problem is that I just feel left out. I know you can’t have your cake and eat it too — but it is really hard for me (as someone who is social and likes to have friends) to not be a ‘part’ of their groups/playgroups/cliques. I understand it, obvsiously (I’m just not around during the day to hang out with them, and we just don’t have a lot in common), but it is *hard*. I too HATE (hate hate hate) the phrase “full time mom” and it makes my skin crawl when I hear it! I try to ignore it! In all honesty, I don’t have a good way to deal with this. Mostly I just come home, vent it all to Braydon at the end of the day, and tell him to pour me a glass of wine (or— if it has been a really tough day, tell him to make me a martini!!!) ;0 I have no clever brilliant response. Mostly, I’ve just been realizing, how important it is to build comraderie with other working mothers… particularly (in my case) mothers with careers. For me, it has been amazing to be able to connect (via this blog actually!!!) with a couple of other career-moms-with-adopted-twins! Whoa!!!— that’s been great! My only saving grace is that I totally 100% believe that what I’m doing is right for me and for my family. Braydon and I are truly committed to having an egalitarian relationship. Braydon and I are DEVOTED and DEDICATED to truly co-parenting our children to the maximum degree possible… and I fully believe that in the end K & O will be amazing men, in part because of what we’re doing. I love it that they have a powerful, self-confident, self-sufficient high-achieving WOMAN as a mother/role-model. I know that will inform their relationships far into the future – especially with women. What keeps me going when the times are rough (and gosh, aren’t they sometimes so rough???!!!) is that I do have a handful of friends who totally believe in me and totally agree with the mother-with-career way-of-being. I turn to those friends when I need to— I don’t do it very often, but it saves me to know that I can. Keep on keepin’ on Jaylen. And remember: Radical Families Shift The Horizon!
theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said… 1. What made you decide to adopt from Haiti? 2. How did you and Braydon meet? 3. Will you adopt more children? 4. Where is your next big adventure? 5. What haven’t you done yet?
Hi Rony!!! I think Braydon is planning to answer question #1. #2 & #3 have already been answered. #4: Not sure where our next big adventure will be. Honestly. Right now nothing big in the works. Although, hopefully on the horizon will be a big twin-fest-adventure with you and Cindy et. al.!!! Braydon and I are going to the Dominican Republic in October, but that is minus-the-boys. 😉 A few places I/we want to go with the boys before they are 12— Africa, back to Haiti, Costa Rica, the Grenadines, Anegada #5: What haven’t we done yet? OMG!!! Soooooo much!!! I don’t even know where to start! I feel like I’ve done so little. I’m not saying that to be flippant. I’m completely sincere: I feel like life is just waaaay too short and the things I/we want to do require waaaaaaaay too much money. We’re always just trying to live it up and live life to the fullest and experience/enjoy/immerse in the moment. There is always soooo much left to do. I know you know what I mean Rony. xoxoTroy & Tara Livesay said… Do you plan to tell your boys a lot about their birth families – do you know much about them? And If you stay a college prof. can the boys go to your university for free? andif you were to take a WILD guess about what your kids would be/do when they grow up — what would you guess.
Hi Tara!!! We do plan to tell Kyle and Owen about their birth family. We do know a little bit about them that we are keeping private until they are old enough to comprehend. We don’t know what age that will be, but we plan to take it as it comes and share their information with them when we feel they are ready. We have faith that we’ll know when the time is right. If I stay a prof then it depends what university I’m at when the boys hit college age. Right now my university would give them a huge discount – but not free. It just depends where you are. Wild guess re: what they’ll be when they grow up —- eeks! (I think this was truly the hardest question we got — in all honesty – for me this is such a hard question)… um… Kyle: Poet or Romance Novelist (with a mostly female audience) /// Owen: Olympic Diver and/or Swimmer.
Laura said… as a mother of twins, do you find yourself more attached to or relating better to one boy over the other? and if so, what do you do to address this?Hi Laura. When we first got the boys I spent the majority of the first couple of weeks with Kyle, and Braydon with Owen. That was mainly because Owen strongly preferred Braydon. And we have since noticed that Owen always prefers men. Because of that I ended up really bonding with Kyle and Braydon with Owen. After the first couple of weeks we conscientiously started spending more and more time with the ‘other’ boy because we didn’t want it to get too unbalanced. Eventually, over about the first couple of months, it evened out. I’d say that now I’m equally attached to both of them. But I can relate a lot better to Owen. Interestingly Braydon can relate a lot better to Kyle. Interesting, huh? Anyway, I wouldn’t say it is a problem, it just is what it is. I think Owen is a lot like me, I am a lot like him. Strangely so. Kyle is a lot like Braydon, Braydon is a lot like Kyle. Strangely so. Sometimes we laugh about it – “OMG! Kyle is soooooooo Braydon’s son!!!” etc… but mostly we’re just amazed by it. It really calls into question the whole nature-vs. nurture debate. To “address” it we each make a point to spend one-on-one time with each boy separately. But we’ve never had a ‘problem’ with feeling like one is ‘favored’ over the other, gets better/worse treatment than the other. I’m sure it is quite similar to any mother of twins or siblings. But I guess I don’t really know.Gail (Braydon’s Mother) said… I’d like to know whether you’ve considered turning some of the blog into a book. Lots of possible subjects of course, but it would be especially interesting to follow the boys’ increasing awareness of color at a very early age and their wonderful positive feeling about being black. GailHi Gail! No, we haven’t considered turning the blog into a book. I have too much on my hands already with my academic publishing!!! LOL!!! The blog is for fun and I don’t really think we’ll ever do more with it than what it is. Sorry to disappoint!Anonymous said… Love the blog! I don’t know how you do it. You really do it and make it seem possible. I read because it is an inspiration. I know they say that we (women) can do it all (i.e., career and family) but sometimes that is hard to ACTUALLY believe/know. Sometimes it takes seeing it. Even though I’m not seeing it for real, I get to see it online through your blog every day. thank you for that. My only question is HOW do you do it???Well, I feel like we barely are doing it. But check out the previous Open Book Answers posts because I’ve tried to write about this there. Thank you for your comment. I feel like it is really, really hard to ‘do it all’ and those of us out there desperately trying to make it work really need to stick together. Thanks for your words. love, Heather
Here are some more Q&A from the open book challenge!
Siri said…
Hello Johnson-McCormick Family and greetings from a blast-from-your-past Colby classmate. Been a lurker for quite some time (am addicted to your blog) and figured it was time to step up. Two questions about adoption (although both related):1. What do you know now that you wish you knew when you started the adoption process?2. What is the one piece of advice you would give those considering adoption?Boring questions, I know. But ones of particular interest…Thanks for such an honest and inspiring blog. Your boys are absolutely precious (and hysterical).Siri
Hi Sirichka – really wonderful to hear from you – would love to connect offline and catch up! Here are the answers:The one big thing I wish we knew when we started to adopt (some people will disagree with this, but it’s my opinion): The kids you adopt are your kids, they are not someone else’s kids. There’s nobody going to go to bat for them – other than you. Go to bat for them, go early and hit hard. They need an advocate to get through the adoption and you are it. Do what ever it takes to bring them home as soon as possible. And that does not mean waiting for someone else to take care of things.
I guess that is also my advice, but the other thing I would recommend is connecting with people who are also adopting – from wherever you are adopting. People in the same shoes are an incredible resource and lift you up when you are low. Think of it in biological baby terms: you wouldn’t not go to the doctor or your mother(figure) for support, right? Don’t skip out on the adoption community – they are simply amazing.
Cindy from central NC said…
Question: Why do you think that we, as Working Moms (and esp as Working IA Moms who have most likely waited–and gone through hell and back waiting–for a family) get a decent amount of pressure from the “non-working-full-time” front? And it’s not just SAHMs but just people in general. Maybe a better way to ask the question is why do we (as confident know-I-should-be-working-Moms) allow ourselves to feel defensive over it? What’s up with that? How do you feel about that? And then…then…put that whole DayCare taboo blogging thing on top of it cause it’s all related…
Hi Cindy: Clearly I am not a working mom, but I know, love and support one who struggles everyday. Any by struggles, I mean she constantly feels guilty, she constantly feels criticized, and she constantly stands up for her self (which is hard and tiring to do).Without getting to philosophical/cultural/political, I firmly believe these things that she feels are external social pressures she has internalized. In a rather immediate and simple example, when you watch the Today show and the working women there (how ironic is that) are sending the message that women should stay home; and 15 million women are watching, absorbing and repeating that message, how can you not feel defensive? I mean – sheesh – you’ve got so much of the world telling you it’s wrong. I’m a pretty tough guy when it comes to believing in what I do, but frankly I am not sure I am tough as the working mothers out there who put up with the daily constant barrage of negative messages telling them to stay home.
As for daycare, there is definitely a taboo: “giving your child to someone else to raise” is one of those common phrases people use – the language is antagonistic around it, and people perceive it negatively. And that’s really sad, because for people who work and don’t have extended family to take care of their kids, it’s a necessity. So – I would ask, instead of just creating additional angst for anyone relying on others to help care for their children, why not help us make it better?
Of course that begs the whole “work is a choice” thing – which by the way – as a man – not only is it not really a choice, nobody would ever say that to me (“Braydon – why don’t you stay home with the kids?”). I am not going to get into work as a choice here – I just think that using that way of thinking as a means to keep women staying at home is ultimately derogatory to the work women do.
I currently have 8 women working for me and I at MetLife I work for an astounding woman. The work these women do is a tremendous contribution, As both an employer and an employee, I would have it no other way.
Quick note to stay at home mothers: I am sure you get messages of guilt that you should work and that staying home is bad. I am not commenting on that one way or the other, nor commenting on actually staying home and I am criticizing staying home. I just know what Heather goes through and the women I work with go through, and I firmly, unequivocally and resolutely support her and them, encourage and defend them as a working – and awesome – mothers.
So – in short – Heather feels it too. Everyday, every minute, every hour. She finds friends who are like minded and support her. In the face of intense pressure, she recommits everyday to being a strong, powerful, contributing working woman. You don’t need me to tell you it’s hard, but I definitely acknowledge it.
The Fry Family said… from Kristie–
What drew you to Haiti?
Hi Fry Family! We actually often say – as many people do – that Haiti chose us. As we looked for from which to adopt, we had some things we knew: we wanted to adopt black kids; we wanted to adopt internationally; we wanted to adopt from a place that had tremendous need. Of course there are many places that fit that bill – and we did look at Africa. But when there are 1.5 million orphans less than 1,000 miles from Disney World, the choice became obvious. And after Haiti picked us, it got under our skin. After getting out boys, it has stayed under our skin.As far as I know – our experience is very similar to other people who are involved in Haiti in some way.
I have a bio daughter and we are still trying to decide how we are going to complete our family (choices: are we done? or where will we adopt from?) My question is: how do you decide what information is too personal to share? Do you keep everything that you know that happened before you adopted your kids just for O&K to know? We are having this conversation in our fanily right now.Of course, if the question is too personal, just delete!
Hi Alejandra – glad you like the blog – it’s become a large part of our lives! Ok – here’s the answer:
Like any photo album, our blog is a story that we tell about our lives. It’s a construct, and it’s really only part of the story. While it often feels like it’s the whole story, there is soooooo much left out. We rarely talk about our work (other than that we do work and our schedules), we almost never talk politics (other than working/non-working and adoption), we never post about our families, we never talk about our personal history.
We decided early on that many things were not going on the blog and that some things were off limits in general. For the blog that list is longer than in person, but that’s the nature of a blog (and you can see some of that list above). In terms of what we don’t share at all, with anyone (other than the boys), here is it:
Information about the boys’ birth parents; many details about their life in the orphanage; some details about their adoption.
There is no general rule we follow, we take it on a case by case example. The only litmus test for a topic is – would this be something the boys would rather communicate than us.
Anonymous said…
You seem pretty experienced; pretty fun-loving; pretty capable. But…how would you handle the situation if you came home to find your 12 year old K & O on the computer…wearing only their underwear…playing poker???Guess WhoHi Guess Who: This is a tough one. I would say that we have a certain friend who is a State Trooper who would love to deal with that one directly; since he claims to know about that kind of thing. 😉
Anonymous said…
I too have an “active” 3 year old boy. Not clinically hyperactive or ADHD, etc., but very very “active” just like yours. That’s why I like to look at your blog. Honestly, I cant even imagine having two of them (the exact same age????!!!!!! OMG). My question is if you could do one of your top 10 lists on activities or ideas or TIPS for how to handle very active little boys. You seem to have a lot of ideas. I don’t know how you come up with all of them. But what are your favorite tips up your sleeve???Hi – Frankly Heather is a ton better than I am at coming up with stuff. But here is the biggest tip I can think of: Go outside as much as possible. Get them running around. Playgrounds are best. Rainy days are very hard. Jumping on the bed is good.
Heather has also implemented “Ten Deep Breaths”. Often the boys will get waaay revved up. To calm them down, we sit on the floor and do this funny yoga-esque (neither of us do yoga – so it’s really funny): Sit cross legged; put your arms out to the side; take a long deep breath and bring your hands together, palms together; breath out slowly and move your arms back out to the side. Do this ten times. 9/10 times this works like a charm to calm them down.
Plan things in advance and communicate with them the details of the plan. I know for us they do a lot better when they know the plan in detail. Even if it’s “we’re having breakfast, then we’re going outside to play. We will get the mail, then we will run around the house five times. Then we will come inside and play a game. Then we will have lunch, then we will go to the park. If you are very good and behave, then after the park we can get ice cream” [yes, to the chagrin of many, we’ve learned to bribe].
Anonymous said…
Have been reading for a long time. Love your blog. Our famiy is addicted to your blog. Read it every day. Our question is what does Braydon do for work? Also, can he post more videos? His videos are our favorite. thanks.From The Jacksons in Newbury CaliforniaHi Jackson family! For work I am a technology executive. At the moment I run a technology team at MetLife that designs and controls how software development is done for the $300 million Institutional Technology software practice. I am also building an internet startup company that is making an online social networking and music service. You can check it out at http://www.rvibe.com/.
I’m working on the videos! I just got Adobe Premiere Elements. You can get it bundled with Adobe Photoshop Elements for $149. It’s not as full featured as premiere, but it’s really enough for me. Now that I have it, I can get back going on more videos, more quickly!
Anonymous said…
Hello. Our question is: do you ever feel famous? Because of your blog? Like- does anyone ever come up to you in public and recognize you, etc.? To us you are like celebrities!!! We’d be more excited to see you in an airport or restaurant than we would be to see Paris Hilton!! Does anyone ever recognize you? Thanks for the great blog, the Brown Family in North DakotaHi Brown family- thanks for reading! It’s funny you ask that – we wonder the same thing about the Livesays. No, we don’t feel famous, but I can see what you mean! And while I don’t think anyone recognizes us from our blog, our family is unusual enough looking that we certainly get many, many stares. And sometimes it feels like the paparazzi are all over us, when random strangers start blatantly taking our pictures. When that happens, Heather has taken to walking up to them, handing them her business card and asking them to send us the good shots. No body has sent anything yet.
Anonymous said…
Why did you adopt? Also, why did you want twins? Did you have a choice for boys or girls? If yes, why boys?Hi – we always knew we would adopt. In fact we never actually tried to get pregnant, and don’t know if we could. We also always knew we wanted to adopt multiple kids – we just were NOT expecting twins. But then again, anyone with twins – do you ever?!?!? It was a total shock, and now we couldn’t be happier that it worked out that way (even if it’s challenging).
As for boys versus girls: we wanted the youngest children possible; period. Since there is typically greater demand for girls than boys, we figured that meant that we would get boys, but we did not specifically pick boys. We just got very lucky we got K & O.
Anonymous said…
HOW DID YOU CHOOSE THEIR NAMES TO BE KYLE AND OWEN?Hi – When we chose their names our thinking went something like this:
1. Twin Haitian boys adopted by white US family
2. Over achieving, crazy active parents who do tons of stuff
3. Last name Johnson-McCormick (try growing up with that)
4. Black boys in the USA
5. First names need to be very simple, strong, and confident without being overbearing, confusing or strange.Oh, and when we said “Kyle” and “Owen” out loud, the names just clicked, which probably had more to do with it than anything else.
Jen S said… Questions: 1. What specific things do you do, or purposely don’t do, to foster K&O’s relationship as brothers? 2. When you decided that the boys should have their own rooms, how did you decide to move Owen and have Kyle stay rather than have Kyle move and Owen stay? xo jen
Hi girlfriend!! FYI to all: Jen is my college roommate! And to this day she is one of my best friends in the whole wide world, even though we live on opposite sides of the country. O.k., Jen…
1) Gads!!! What a tough question! Of course you’d ask that! LOL!!! Well, first and foremost, we don’t ‘push’ it… I want them to be able to celebrate and enjoy being siblings – and twins – but not feel pressure to be best friends. I think that is most important in my mind. I’ve always been fascinated with siblings who are very close in adulthood and I’ve always tried (whenever possible) to ask their parents what they did to foster that. The parents always say the same thing to me: “We didn’t!” They say that they did not force it or put pressure on their kids to be close. They also say they never expected it of them. So—I’m trying to follow that lead. I hope K & O will have a healthy relationship as brothers, but I don’t expect them to. We do try to tell them that ‘brothers are special’, etc. – if they fight bad sometimes I’ll say, “Remember boys—Brothers for life!!!” and I often make them hug to make- up. Mostly, though, I try to let them fend for themselves in terms of their relationship. From my perspective, they have an awesome relationship. They can fight like cats and dogs, but they also have a ton of empathy and compassion for each other – and they can each make the other laugh like no one else on earth can! I think that’s good so I’m trying to just be as hands-off as humanly possible (for a mother!), and let them do their own thing as far as their own relationship is concerned. It is so interesting to watch them, though, and I’m sure you and I could have hours and hours and hours of conversation about this topic!!! (and man, do I wish we could!!!). Just last night, actually, at the dinner table, they both started to tell Braydon and I about a time recently when we separated them in a new environment (we had been to a church and taken them each out separately from the Sunday School – so that each was in there alone without the other for a period of time). They were going on and on to us about how they did not like that, how we should not have done that, how they don’t want us to do that again, etc. They “don’t want to be alone — only with brother.” They asked us repeatedly, “DO YOU UNDERSTAND???” and needed us to assure them over and over that we would not separate them like that again. So, this is just to say – it is always fascinating… and also, they seem to let us know, quite a bit, what they need regarding their relationship.
2) About their rooms… We moved Owen for multiple reasons. His “new” room is right next door to Braydon and I’s room – and Owen wakes up in the night about 20 times for every 1 time that Kyle wakes up! So, partly, it was just plain pragmatic. Also, Owen is *very* active in his sleep – he is ALL over the place, rolling around the entire bed, etc… Kyle basically lays in one position the entire night! We new the “new” room would have a double bed in it and the “old” room would have a single bed. Owen clearly needed the big bed a lot more than Kyle! Also, before we separated their bedrooms we were having major problems getting them to go to sleep in the same room (basically, they couldn’t avoid the temptation of talking/playing together in one room). So, we’d always end up taking one boy out to the guest room to let them both fall asleep on their own, then we would move the guest-room-boy back to their room. Kyle HATED being put in the guest room. He’d cry. Owen, however, loved it. He’d often actually ASK to be moved in there!!??!!!!! The “new” room was actually the old guest room, so it only made sense for Owen to be the one to move in there. So, those are the reasons. We felt bad for Kyle, though, because Owen got the “new” room with the “new” things in it… the guilt led me to buy Kyle his Big Elmo (click here) LOL!!!!!!! But in truth neither Kyle or Owen ever seemed phased in the least bit about the big move to separate rooms. And it has made our bedtime ‘situation’ soooooooooooooooooooooo much better!!!!!!!Owen asleep in his bed the other night
BSC said… Our family is waiting for a referral of a sibling group from Haiti. I don’t have a question but I’m looking forward to your answers to all of the other questions. By the way, we just drove on 78 to take our son to his first year of university in VA. We joked about stopping off to visit your family. You feel like the kind of family one could just drop in on. Beth in Nova Scotia Beth— OMG, you should have contacted us!!! Yes, we are the kind of family you could do that with— and we *especially* love getting together with other Haitian adoptive families! Next time!!! OK?
Corey said… Question from the Waters Family:When can we get together in September?
Corey – email me so we can set a September date! Xo hbj
Anonymous said… if you adopt again, would it be a boy or girl and would you try another place to adopt from, like Brad & Angie?I already answered this in previous answers— but if we adopted again, it would be domestic… and probably a girl.
Anonymous said… Hi. I love reading your blog, I am a mom of 2 girls (18 months apart); we live in San Juan, PR and I have no questions. I am actually a college counselor here and visited Lehigh last year… it’s a small world. I also love Virgin Gorda….bye. LuciaAh! Lucia!—wish we could have met up when you were visiting Lehigh!!!! And yes! Yes! Yes! To Virgin Gorda! We LOVE it! Cannot wait to go back there!!!!!!!
Jen said… My question relates to this—do you think you’ll take your boys back to Haiti to visit someday?Jen, YES! We definitely plan to take Kyle and Owen back to Haiti. We imagine we’ll make more than one family trip back over the coming years. Right now we still feel they are too young to understand and appreciate it. But we are waiting for the timing to be right (not sure when that will be but we feel like we’ll know it when it is upon us), and we will definitely bring them back – at least a couple of times.LaLa said… I was going to ask what a couple of others have…are you thinking of adopting again and if so, from where?
Already answered!Anonymous said… Caught this invite just on time!!!First of all, really enjoyed your blog.My first question is whether you are considering adopting another child and if so, in Haiti? The four of you seem so “whole” as a family that I can’t picture another member, but I’m just a reader. My next question is very trivial. The boys have very cute clothes; care to share where you shop?
Hi! I’ve already answered about having a third child. RE: the clothes— I love dressing them! And to this day they don’t care one tiny bit what they wear, so it is super fun for me! LOL! I can dress ‘em however I want! Favorite shopping places for K & O’s clothes (in order of my/our preference): t-shirts on-line from Cafe Press, Gap Outlet, Hanna Andersson, LL Bean, Osh Kosh, Mini Boden. We buy shoes from a specialty kids’ shoe place called Olly.Anonymous said… THEIR OUTFITS ARE ALWAYS SO VERY CUTE. MY QEUESTION IS WHERE DO YOU BUY THE CUTE CLOTHES AND SHOES, ETC ETC ETC FOR THEM? SO CUTE! PEACE, JENNA G.Hi Jenna, see above about clothes & shoes!
This Post’s Questions — Haiti & Hernias & Heck-Who-Knows?!!!!ManyBlessings said… Do you ever consider going back to Haiti for another adoption? Or are your boys the completion of your family? Does one of your little guys have an umbilical hernia (the nurse in me has wondered for awhile)?
Hello ManyBlessings! We do consider going back to Haiti for another adoption. When we went to get Kyle and Owen at the orphanage Braydon and I each had about 30 beautiful children hanging onto every single inch of us, and longingly looking up into our eyes saying “Mama? Papi?” Taking only two felt selfish, like we should be doing more, and we wanted to each bring home about 10 kids from that place — it would be hard to not consider adopting more after an experience like that. However, we don’t think we will adopt from Haiti again. Mainly this is because we both (Braydon and Heather) feel very very strongly that if we have a third child we want to have it from the time it is newborn. It is very hard for me to write that even now – because I feel so selfish about that. There are so many children who need to be adopted (in Haiti and everywhere), and so it feels so self-centered for me to say ‘no’ to that. But here’s the real deal: When we were planning and doing Kyle & Owen’s adoptions, I didn’t think I would feel the way I do about this — so this has been surprising for me — but I deeply deeply long for a newborn baby. I see tiny newborns and want to weep (still— and it has been 2.5 years since we brough K & O home!) It is hard (impossible?) to explain, but I feel the loss of not having had Kyle and Owen from the time they were born. In some ways I feel that I can relate (just a teeny tiny bit) to what it must be like to be ‘infertile’ (I HATE that phrase), i.e., unable to birth a child. I feel like I really missed out on something (not to mention what Kyle and Owen missed out on) by not having my babies from the start. We are unsure as to whether our boys are the completion of our family. We had always wanted three children, and had always hoped/planned to have one biological child. I/We have never tried to get pregnant so we don’t know if we’re able. But right now we’re considering having a third child, and if we do it we will probably be via the bio. route. If we decide we are committed to a third child, but we don’t go the bio. route (either by choice or because we find after trying that we can’t get pregnant), then we have already decided that we will adopt a newborn domestically. The honest truth of it is that we are so maxed out right now (in terms of our crazy fast paced lifestyle mainly due to the fact that we both have serious careers) that it feels crazy to even be considering adding a third child to the mix. Our thoughts and our feelings don’t line up on this. We think that it is totally ridiculous to even consider a third child. But… for some reason (some things in life are impossible to explain – right? – well, this is one of them), Braydon and I both feel that we want a third. I could actually see K & O going either way on this. I think they’d be happy to stay just a duo. But I also think they’d be happy to become a trio. They say they want a baby (they have been expressing that to us for months and months and months). But they are still too little –they totally don’t get it what the implications of that would be!!! So… we will see. We go back and forth on it every day. We will see, we will see, we will see.
Re: umbilical hernia — I have always found it interesting that no one has previously asked/commented about it. I don’t try to hide it, so it is always noticeable to me that people don’t ask about it (probably the “hush hush” something *different* mentality, but I probably shouldn’t assume that). Anyway, it is interesting about the belly buttons—-Kyle and Owen had pretty severely distended bellies when we first got them (due to malnourishment). They also both had herniated belly buttons — the “haitian belly buttons” as “Malia’s Mama” calls them.
Recent comments