I’ve posted before about our dear friends the Uhrigs. One of the things that make these friends so extra special to us is that we became fast friends in 2002 (when Braydon and I had recently relocated to New Jersey from Boston), and then — by total sheer coincidence (or, as we ponder it, perhaps by no coincidence at all?) — we both began adoptions at the exact same time (January 2004). Ben, Kyle and Owen are six months apart and came home within six months of each other in 2005. Just a couple of weeks ago we were on the edge of our seats as Stacey traveled to South Korea to bring home Ben’s new baby brother, Tae. We are privileged to have made some close adoptive-family-friends along our journey, and I’ve just got to say that every child that comes home feels profound for us each and every time. It brings to the surface so many thoughts and emotions — many of which are still raw, and all of which run deep. These pictures were taken on the Uhrigs’ couch; the top one is from a few days ago, the bottom one is from New Year’s Eve 2006 (the boys were all 2 year olds). Welcome home Tae!
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Poor baby. She’s been a clingy, fussy, drooly, nose-runny, unhappy mess for the past five days and six nights. Won’t eat. Won’t sleep. Six nights of waking up crying every few hours– inconsolable unless snuggled tight in the rocking chair by Mama for hours on end. Irritable, agitated, on-edge. Fever on-and-off. Just not herself. At all. Finally we brought her to our beloved Dr. Aleks first thing this morning… diagnosis: double ear infection… prescription: antibiotics and a strict regimen of motrin and tylenol. Within a few hours (and after a much needed 2.5 hour nap… finally! [after 3 days straight of not napping]) she was already on track to returning to her normal-cheery-Meera-self. We’re on the road to recovery. “We” intentional. One sick brings us all down. For the J-M’s it is all for one and one for all… and we all feel it when one is out of commission. Tonight it was rigatoni and meatballs, caesar salad, and garlic bread for dinner (a fav for all three bambinos, who each, including Meera, ate a ton)… and the day was ending feeling like maybe — just maybe — we’re going to get back on track after a few days of derailment.
There are forces in life that work to create motion; moving us together, driving us apart or simply pushing on fixed objects, often without effect. These forces are by and large unseen, but always felt, consciously, unconsciously, painlessly or with great noise. When they are powerful, these forces are the center of our universe. Some of these forces are people we love.
I suspect our family is much like many American families where the women are the glue holding us together; the gravity creating the in the dip of the plane of space, with constellations circling around and coming together like quarters dropping into the center hole of the donation bucket at the grocery store. They are a constant practice of grace to one another despite our efforts to do otherwise. They make us whole and have meaning. No doubt the men are forces of reckoning, but they are not weaving the ties that bind, they just are not.
For the last 16 years, Heather has pulled our family together in one form or another around Thanksgiving. These objects that tend toward stasis, drawn in by the power of her gravity. Whether that has been with 50 grandparents, parents, cousins, relatives, friends and neighbors in our apartment, or generously combining me in her family’s traditions, she has made a web of life that we have clung to, grown into and become stronger in the course of.
With one exception, when Owen was sick and throwing up a couple years ago and Heather’s sister, niece and parents had to turn around and head back to NH, she has never missed a Thanksgiving with her family. To me, is very much the definition of a force of nature. And to me, is who she is.
This Thanksgiving, however, was different. My sister recently moved from Philadelphia to Washington DC for work. We felt we needed to go there and see her. My mother and father made it a full house and my side of the family came together for Thanksgiving, at least in my eyes, for the first time in years.
Sometimes when powerful forces are in close proximity there are unexpected consequences. Holidays are like that – catalysts, accelerators, colliders, or just tempests in teapots. Thankfully, we ate some turkey and sides (courtesy of Whole Foods with some doctoring a ala Sabrina McCormick, PhD), enjoyed a little wine, football, had a nice walk down the Mall (Meera had a no-nap-day-meltdown on the way back), and all learned a little bit more about what we’re Thankful for in 2009.
This year for Thanksgiving, we took in a lot more than Turkey, although we had some fun with that too. In our trip to DC, we got to have a few laughs, see some amazing stuff, learn a bunch and spend some time together.
And a priceless moment, when these two little black boys, pass over the Lincoln memorial steps where MLK Jr. gave his speech, looked up at he enormous statue and right in front of the “please be quiet and respectful” sign, exclaimed in a loud voice “There he is!!!” in full K&O enthusiasm. Priceless.
More importantly, we had some wonderful experiences while in DC:
From thanksgiving Day:
- Kyle & Grandpa Robert watching some good-old-fashioned football on the TV. Dad narrating and explaining every detail to Kyle who loved it.
- Joking over the readiness of the turkey or over readiness as the case may or may not have been
- Owen and G’mma doing puzzles and mazes
- A beautiful walk down to the Capitol building and a look over the pool there out onto the Mall. Granted, Meera had no nap and had her second total melt-down of her life, forcing us to grab a cab back to our hotel, but nice none-the-less
From the day after:
- Anthony: the homeless man in the square by our hotel. K&O gave him money for breakfast, introduced them selves, found out his name and wished him Happy Thanksgiving. We looked for him (and saw him there) each time we passed by.
- An early morning visit to see the White House. Kyle and Owen asking the guard (who we called the Secrect Service – and who really knows anyway) if “BarakO” is in there right now?!?!? Yes he was, and we guessed having breakfast.
- A great day at the Air & Space museum. Seeing TONs of airplanes – does it get better than that for K&O? Meera finally got her nap that morning.
- Lunch at Cosi downtown DC. I don’t really get how they could have run out of Tuna salad for Kyle, and Tomato soup, but we all enjoyed it.
- A freezing cold (sorry mom!) ride on the outdoor carousel on the Mall. Yes, they were by far they loudest, and most definitely having the most fun of all the people riding that day. Pretty awesome.
- Walking down the Mall with my family and the boys and Meera enjoying it.
From Saturday and in general:
- The Lincoln memorial. The walk up to it, the freezing wind, the steps up. The spot MLK gave I Have a Dream, the statue with those hands. The speeches on the walls. The meaning, the power. K, O & M there together and what that means, there, in that spot. It was my first time there, and it’s still sitting with me. L’Union Fait La Force.
- The Washington Monument. Although we could not go up, the power is striking.
- The Vietnam Memorial. By itself an enormously powerful statement to the depth of pain that was Vietnam and the honor of those we lost. It also raises many questions for our boys around war, what is war, who, how, when where what and why of dying in war. Tough, but meaningful topics for our young men.
- Afghan wraps for H&B, yum, yum, yum!
- Hotel pool for the boys – now – if there is there a pool to be found – that is a highlight for sure!
- Being in such a diverse environment. There were tons of black and white people from all socio-economic backgrounds – and that by itself is a treat – as it should be for all Americans.
View all photos here.
Owen is very rambunctious and struggles daily to not get in trouble at school and at home. He wants to please, he wants to “do good,” he wants everyone to love him. But it isn’t easy for him. He is a very spirited little dude with a huge personality that fills up a room (and can quickly drive a parent/teacher/nanny crazy with his constant activity, boundless energy, and consistent-never-ceasing-testing-of-the-boundaries). For the most part we try to work with it, not against it. (Easier said than done.) And luckily for us we have found a school that — at least so far — has that same philosophy. Owen has lots of good days and also lots of bad days at school. He almost never does stuff that is really bad, it is more that he is just always pushing the limits and feeling out the bounds. Last night, while getting ready for bed, Owen told me that his day at school yesterday (Tuesday) was his “best day ever” and he was very proud of himself that he was “good behavior all day” and “not even a little bit of acting up” and that he was “so good all the way to outer space” etc etc etc. He was beaming with pride as he went on and on and on. He actually asked me if I’d please call his teacher on the phone to ask how he did (this was a new request from him)… he wanted me to hear it directly from her… I told him that we didn’t need to call Miss Joyce to know that he did a good job, that I entirely believed him, and that I was just very happy that he felt so good about his day and that he was so proud of himself, that he felt so good inside, etc. He was very, very pleased with himself. He went to bed feeling on top of the world. After he was asleep I did end up asking his teacher about his day (I was just so curious). And she confirmed that he had a brilliant day.
A few hours into the night Braydon and I woke up to Owen crying loudly and mournfully in his bed. He was having a terrible nightmare– a bad dream in which Braydon “burned him and put him into a fire” and Owen was “dying” and “Papi wouldn’t say goodbye to me even though he knew I was dying and going to Heaven forever.” Braydon carried him into our room and Owen was still crying deeply as he crawled into our bed in the middle of the night. He wrapped himself around Braydon and slept in his arms until morning.
It was a reminder, yet again, of the tender spots in our rough-and-tumble boy. Not that we ever forget, not even for a minute, but there it was again…. the loss/abandonment/fear issues rising to the surface –not coincidentally, after a day of feeling very good about himself and going to bed feeling very secure in who he is and where he stands.
- Yesterday marked the end of 4 weeks of me being sick. 4 weeks of being sick is a long, long time for this Mama. Especially at the worst possible time (end of the semester). It took a toll on the whole of us 5. I kept wondering, ‘is it best that it is me that is sick, or is this the worst case scenario?’ I never really determined the answer to that question. I went back and forth on it daily. It started as a 3 day flu (probably swine flu?) with fever, body aches, the whole 9 yards. But instead of taking it seriously I popped Advil every 4 hours while going to work, coming home for the second shift (a.k.a. running the household), etc. I should have taken it seriously. That is the lesson I learned. The fever broke and it turned into a bad cold thing, and then it turned into bronchitis, and then walking pneumonia verging-on-full-blown-pneumonia. Finally my doctor threatened that if I didn’t get serious about getting better she was going to hospitalize me in 48 hours. I got serious and took 2 days off from work. That was 2 weeks ago. I’m really pretty much better now (probably at about 85% full capacity). But it was a long stretch of sick and it was tough on the J-Ms. The nice thing, though, is that up until 4 weeks ago I hadn’t been sick enough to see a doctor since 2003!!! So, I’m thinking that now I have another 6 years of healthy before getting sick like that again. I’m not complaining.
- Photo above taken at this year’s Lantern Walk at the boys’ school. A magical, wonderful Waldorf tradition that we’ve come to savor.
- Photo below taken in the front yard before Kavya’s Birthday Party. It was a costume party and K & O were doctors. That was a very, very fun party and a very, very great day.
- Little Miss has taken to a love of lawn-mowing. Just like her brothers that one. Scary, scary stuff. Her primary efforts these days are dedicated to mimicking everything she sees them do. I will repeat: scary, scary stuff.
- The boys had an awesome after-school dual-playdate. They each chose their best friend from their respective kindergarten classes. I find it noteworthy and fascinating that both of them –when push comes to shove– choose girls. I also find it noteworthy and fascinating that, at least this time around, they chose the two girls that –if I could choose– I’d choose for them (the thing that is so fascinating is that I didn’t choose). Owen’s best friend right now is a wonderful curly-red-head Patagonia-wearing beauty that I’ve adored since I first laid eyes on her. And Kyle’s best friend right now is a tiny spunky whippersnapper of a girl who loves wearing princess dresses with her hot-pink cowboy boots and I’ve always thought that she is an absolute riot. These two sets of friends had an after-school playdate today that was just stupendous. I was so glad to have been able to take the afternoon off to be able to chaperon it. K & O are not always angels (not at all), but today they were. And I couldn’t have been more proud watching them play so nicely with their friends. I’m seriously contemplating only ever allowing girl-only playdates from now on. Sooooooooo much nicer than boy playdates!!!!!!!!!!!
- How on earth did this happen? We found ourselves watching football on t.v. on Sunday afternoon. These boys have had a profound impact on our life. Pre-K&O we would never have imagined that we’d have a football game on in our house. And yet… here we are. Very, very, very strange. Very strange. Kyle is obsessed with football right now. Obsessed.
- The threesome plays the piano every day. Every single day, at least once (often more), we find this. They are just sounding stuff out and playing around with the piano. I think it is kind of a bonding thing for the three of them. They do it a lot. Owen is amazing at sounding out music. Lately he’s figuring out Beethoven’s 5th Symphony.
- Filth. Never ending filth. My husband is the Laundry Master. I don’t know how he does it but he gets the stains out. Seriously, we are like a living breathing Tide commercial.
- Starvation and Deep Destitute Poverty (and Haiti Week)
- Meera’s Necklaces (and new shoes)
- A Woman’s Work: Dear Meera, Guide to Mothers with Careers, Mommy Back to Work, and Notes on the Balancing Act
- On Trips, Travels, and Needing Breaks — Mexico; Chesapeake Bay; Singer Island, Florida; Adoption Day in NYC; Annual Haiti Reunion; NH Summer 2009; Christmas in NH; K & O’s First Trip Alone — to MorMor & MorFar’s House; Easter at Bement Camp; Skydiving in the Poconos
- Food Week: Especially The Stuff of Life & Kyle and Owen’s School Lunches
- On Raising Black Boys: Especially Cute Little Black Boys Do Grow Up To Be Black Men; White Christmas for Black Boys
- K & O’s Quotes and Conversations: Especially Gender, Overheard Today, and Choice Quotes
- On Adoption: Especially Thinking About Adoption, What If?, and In Union There is Power
- Barack-O’s Election and Inauguration: BARACK-O Elected!; Baracko’s Inauguration; Celebration Inauguration
- Boys Look Up to Men (and Real Men Clean, Mow, Swim, and Make (perfect!) Coffee)
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And tomorrow… we will embark on our 4th year of blogging!
Thanks for reading y’all!
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