First, we dress up!!!…

…and then, we make lasagna.

Backstory: Since school started back up after the Christmas break, K & O have been sledding at school every day. We love this about their school — they are outside a ton, every single day, rain snow sleet or hail. Their daily sledding at school this winter (despite the fact that we don’t even have what I’d consider ‘real’ snow on the ground, just patchy crusty icy spots of “snow” that doesn’t even fully cover the ground) has been a serious highlight of their lives of late. They talk about it non-stop and we hear lots and lots about the sledding every day. Even though K & O are in separate classrooms, the two kindergarten groups often play together outside. I haven’t blogged about it yet this year, but K & O are still good friends with Wil (see this post from last year). This year Wil is in Owen’s classroom, but I’ve noticed on a few occasions that both K & O keep a special eye out for Wil and they don’t let anyone mess with him. Wil’s mother has mentioned to me more than once how appreciative she is of this (she’s noticed it too). On the playground, K & O are definitely each other’s #1, but Wil is surely their #2. Driving home from school today in the car…

K: Owen, why was Wil and Joshy not sledding today?
O: Oh, you know.
K: No, I don’t. Please tell the story.
O: Oh, you know!
K: No I don’t!!! PLEASE tell the STORY OWEN!
O: Well, o.k., but it is a pretty short story.
K: O.k.
O: We were sledding even before you came out. And Wil and Joshy weren’t listening to the teachers. They weren’t listening. Not at all. So they had to not be sledding. And that is the story.
K: Oh.
O: See Kyle, it was a short story. {at this point I notice that Owen looks at me in the rear view mirror when he says this… and I begin to suspect there is more to the story but that he is self-conscious that I am listening and doesn’t want to spill it while I’m around}
[silence for a moment]K: But the rest. Tell me the rest. Tell me the whole story Owen. I didn’t know what happened. About how Wil was sledding.
O: Oh. {I notice him look at me again in the rear view mirror but I quickly divert eye contact and act like I’m totally oblivious}
K: COME ON OWEN! COME ON!!!
O: Oh.
K: COME ON OWEN!
O: O.k., o.k., o.k. Well, I snuck over to Wil when Miss Joyce wasn’t looking and quickly told him to get on my sled before Miss Joyce sees him and I got him on it and I got on it and I pushed us down and Miss Joyce was running after us but she couldn’t catch us.
K: Oh! Did she get mad?!
O: No, actually she was laughing!
K: What did she say?
O: She said ‘Wil has a pretty good friend!’

Oh gosh, I love this picture. Click to enlarge. Every once in a while a photo shows up that just sits exactly right with me. This is one. Can’t really explain it all (and don’t really want to try), I just love everything about it. This was Friday night during supper (chicken & veggie stir-fry with rice; mandarin oranges for dessert). We had a Family Weekend this weekend. Unfortunately this Family Weekend had to include running errands and doing some stuff around the house (we try to avoid that on these weekends), but we made the best of it. Here is our Weekend Wrap-Up.

Friday night I took the boys to see Step Afrika at Lehigh. Braydon stayed home with Little Miss. The show was stellar!!! And the whole entire night was truly a Top Ten night. The performance started at 8pm, which is super late for K & O (who usually are in bed at 6:30). It was very, very, very, very, very special to be going out to something so late. Even driving in the dark is a rare thing for K & O, and thus very exciting. And to be out on the town with just Mama. It was all very special. Step Afrika was an awesome show. The boys were the youngest people (by far) in the place, but nonetheless, as usual, they ended up stealing the show. They tend to do that. When they asked for ‘audience participation’ Kyle stood up and raised his hand as high as he could. We were in the third row. They spotted him. They called him up. Of course. He brought his brother (two for one). And that was that. I’d be shocked if there was one person in the crowd (a crowd of a 3 or 4 hundred at least) who wasn’t in love with my boys by the end of their time on stage. And me, well, I just fell in love with them all over again. They were so So so SO SO so sO So darn adorable, up there, shaking their booties, earnestly trying to learn how to step, two gorgeous little bambinos with enough charisma to light up the entire state of Pennsylvania. Seriously, I know, I know, I’m bragging (I try not to), but this was a Top Ten night people. A Top Ten night. They were SO DARN CUTE. Another highlight was that we got to sit next to Calvin. Kyle was so sweet I thought my heart was going to melt all over the floor — holding Calvin’s hand, leaning on Calvin’s shoulder, scooting up onto Calvin’s lap, snuggling as close to Calvin as he could get, mimicking everything Calvin did (if Calvin clapped, Kyle clapped; if Calvin yelled ‘woot woot!’, Kyle yelled ‘woot woot!’; if Calvin hooted and hollered, Kyle hooted and hollered). It was really sweet. Anyway, the whole night was just spectacular… it is not very often that my boys behave perfectly… ever… let alone both at the same time. It was like everything just came together brilliantly for this one night and they made me feel like the happiest luckiest mama on the entire planet. On the way home we went through the McDonald’s drive through for french fries and chocolate milk. Now that topped off the night for them. They were on Cloud 9 already and that just put them on Cloud 10. We got home at 10:45 and Braydon helped me carry them in and get them into bed… sound asleep with smiles on their faces. If you ever get the chance to see Step Afrika go!

Our family pretty much hates running errands. We try to limit it as much as we can. Except for the grocery store (which is a weekly trip), we try to only go to stores every 6 weeks or so. This weekend we had to do some things so we tried to make the most of it by going out to lunch, etc., etc., etc. Saturday one of the things we had to do was to go to Babies-R-Us for some necessities. Good thing we don’t go there often. We came out with this (above). K & O spotted it in the store, knew instantly that it was the “perfect!!!” toy for Meera, insisted we let Meera try it out, and then begged us like they never begged before to buy it for her. We could not resist their incredible sweet big-brotherness. Plus we knew that indeed she would LOVE it. So, there it is. She does love it and has already spent much time in it.

Meera is just as bored with errands as the rest of us. This was at the grocery store.

Playing in the kitchen sink: still one of the boys’ absolute favorite activities. Water ends up everywhere and mopping it all up is a serious pain. But it is worth it. They’ll do this for over an hour at a stretch. I can’t think of any other indoor activity that K & O will do for that long.

These boys are exhausting on even the best of days. They are just so incredibly busy-active-in-motion-going-going-going-rambunctious-precocious (how many other ways can you say “challenging” in a nice way???). They just are that. They push us to our max. And Meera, well, she is just along for the ride, as mellow as can be, thank God. By the end of a Family Weekend like this — when it is all five of us all the time — we are truly tired (all 5 of us, actually). But these weekends hold us together unlike anything else (except a family vacation… which, in the dead of winter, we’re now fantasizing about daily). Times like these are the glue that holds this family together. And so it goes.

So, we’ve made it through our first week with Margie (she does not come on Fridays, so today was her last day this week). It went better than I ever would have expected. Yay for us! I cannot even articulate the relief and happiness this gives me! Today Braydon worked from home. Here is a little email correspondence between us from late morning:

Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 10:59 [11:29 AM EST]
From: Heather Johnson
To: Braydon Johnson-McCormick
Subject: ?
How is it going there? I’m *so* curious what you’re observing w/ Margie.hbj

Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 11:29 [11:29 AM EST]From: Braydon Johnson-McCormick
To: Heather Johnson
Subject: Re: ?
Hi –
I have to say – it’s going great here. Meera slept for 2 hours and happily chatted in her crib for 20 minutes. While she slept Margie cleaned. Like really cleaned. Dusting, moving things, cleaning behind. Like she lived her. Like what we would do if we were cleaning for a couple hours a day. Taking it easy, but doing it right. It’s great.
And Meera is very happy. She’s smiling and comfortable with Margie. She was delighted to see me when I went out and saw her after her nap, but she seems really happy and comfortable.
So far I am feeling really good about it all!

Meera did splendidly all week, napping for Margie every morning and afternoon without any issues. The boys are struggling to adjust to a new set of rules and a new style, etc. but they already show much love toward Margie and the bond is growing by the day. They have done as well as any two four year olds could be expected to do during their first week with a new Nanny. Margie seems to truly love all three kids already. Which seems, to me at least, like a miracle. And our house is cleaner than it has EVER (ever!) been. For real. As for Braydon and I… we’re on Cloud 9 and very, very optimistic.

Tonight after Margie left we surprised the boys and announced that we were going to go out to Carrabas (their favorite restaurant) for dinner to celebrate “End of First Week With Our New Nanny.” They were beside themselves with the thrill of this (we very rarely go out to dinner with them these days because their bedtimes — and Meera’s — are so early). These pictures are terrible (taken with Braydon’s cell phone), but at least they are something, and hopefully they show a bit of how fun it was for us and what a celebration it was. End of First Week With Our New Nanny and all is well.

Anyone who’s been following this blog for long knows that K & O are huge Obama fans. This is, of course, in large part because we’ve socialized them this way. But they do seem to have a genuine appreciation for all that “Baracko” (as they call him) represents. Seriously. And they (K, especially) is genuinely interested in the whole political process, the presidency, the White House, etc., etc., etc. Owen is mostly interested in Malia and Sasha (hmmmmmmm….?!), but still, he’s genuinely interested in his own right (!). They (again, K especially) will still, months after the election, ask strangers they meet who they voted for. They make sure that friends and relatives are Obama supporters whenever possible. And they question (like, deeply and directly and repeatedly question) our neighbors who had McCain signs in their yards during the campaign about why they like McCain better than Baracko, ETC. One of our neighbors recently told me that Kyle’s questions regarding her support for McCain made her think more about the election than anything else had in the past year. He’s that serious about it. Anyway, the morning of the inauguration Kyle woke up, ran into our bathroom, opened up the shower door (I was showering) and with a huge grin on his face said, “Today’s Baracko’s ‘Inn-ogg-nation’ Mommy?????” Yes! It was a big day. After school and work, and after Margie left (her first full day as New Nanny), we had a big J-M celebration. Balloons and all. “Congrats to You” the balloons said (a balloon for each kid), and strawberries (a rare treat in winter), tortellini (one of K & O’s favorite meals), and a “Baracko Cake” (complete with candles) were enjoyed by all. (Note: this was Meera’s first balloon, ever, and she LOVED LOVED LOVED it). Per Owen’s request we sang “We love you Barack Obama” to the tune of “Happy Birthday to You” and then blew out candles. The biggest treat of all, though, was the rarity of having the television on during waking hours on a week day. We watched the inauguration news coverage throughout our celebration. A big, huge, awesome historic day. I wonder if K & O will remember it… it is possible… and I hope that they do.

Be sure to click the “full screen button” (next to the word vimeo) to see it large!

The Johnson-McCormick celebration of Barack’s inauguration from Braydon Johnson-McCormick on Vimeo.

Margie is our new nanny! It was time for us to bite the bullet and go down the ‘Nanny Road’ (with a capital ‘N’ and ‘R’). While we definitely weren’t wanting someone to live with us, we knew that we need someone who can take care of us full-time and be here at our house during the week. Due to some stars aligning in some seriously amazing ways, we found Margie and Margie found us. She’s had her own in-home daycare for over 15 years, she’s a serious professional with a ton of experience… and we’re feeling quite honored that she’s chosen to trade in her in-home-daycare career to take on us. In addition to being way over-qualified in every possible way, she’s also experienced dealing with some of the stuff we worry about most — like, living in a predominantly white area; being Hispanic herself, having grown up here, and having raised her own two bi-racial daughters here, Margie comes to us with lots of wisdom to offer our young and unusual family. She also hit it off with Meera, Kyle, and Owen right from the start, which is, of course, key. Oh, and she has an incredible amount of (much needed) energy. All this, combined with her 50+ years of wisdom (yes, can you believe it? you’d never know it from looking at her, but she’s 50~something years young!!!), make her quite possibly the perfect Nanny for us. Of course we don’t want to jinx ourselves, so we’ll see how it all goes in the coming weeks, but we have reason to believe that this just might work out in a real way. For the past six weeks she’s been coming over for a few hours here and there. We’re pretty well acquainted with her now, and she with us. Today she was here for the day with me, and tomorrow is her first day flying entirely solo with all three kiddos. She’ll be with Meera all morning and then the two of them will go to pick up K & O from school. Margie and the threesome will spend the afternoons here at home together. This scenario is the best possible. Meera can keep her home routine in tact, and K, O, and M can all stick together during the hours that Kyle and Owen aren’t in school. I’m feeling very, very, very good about this childcare (and, let’s be honest, family-care) situation. This afternoon I watched as she captivated K & O with a story of a humpback whale and whale-baby. And then a few minutes later I watched Little Miss squeal with delight on Margie’s lap. We’ll see how it all unfolds, but really– I could see this lasting for the long haul. A girl can hope!

My first week back to work is ending on a high note. Shockingly (only to me, who was the only one stressed out about it), all of us are intact. Our family life has, apparently, held together a-o.k.. The twosome (K & O), the threesome (K, O, M), and the “growned ups” (that is, supposedly, H & B) have all their bonds holding strong. All’s well that ends well. As usual, the anxiety and anticipation (again, for me only, — none of the other four were concerned) leading up to it (the end of my maternity leave) were a lot worse than when the rubber actually hit the road. Everybody handled this week just fine. Meera showed only slight signs of distress (manifested in her sleeping~~ i.e., refusing to nap unless I put her down & waking up every 2 hours throughout the night last night), which is, I think, to be expected, and is, I think, minor in the grand scheme of things. The boys were their happy wild normal selves all week. Braydon is more relaxed than I’ve seen him in a long time. And I’m feeling quite a bit more well-rounded than I have in many months. We’re grounded and we’re tight. All’s good. It is crazy, but good. Next week will be big for us. Week 2 of Mommy-Back-To-Work and… … … … …Our new nanny (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) officially starts Monday. This is big. We plan on spending the weekend regrouping and rejuvenating before our big week begins. As for now… TGIF.

M & H before work this morning

Today was my first day back to work after a nice, long, heavenly maternity leave. It is unusual, and I feel grateful, for such a long time off. Because of some intricacies of academe, the timing of Meera’s birth, and a progressive FMLA policy at Lehigh, I was able to be “off” from May 28 (the day Meera was born) until now. It has been 7 months of bliss. Sincerely. Some women probably say that sarcastically. I do not. It has been bliss for me. Which has made going back to work even harder than it might otherwise be. Yesterday, at just the right moment, I said to the boys, “Kyle and Owen, tomorrow I have to go to work. Do you remember what my job is?” Owen said, “No, I don’t remember.” Kyle thought about it a second and then he said, “I do remember!” I said, “What is it Ky Ky? What is my job?” He said, “Your job is to take care of us and keep us safe.” It took me by surprise. And it was so perfect. “Yes!!!” I said, trying to hide my surprise (this was not the answer I had been looking for). “Yes, you’re exactly right, that’s my most important job! Do you remember my other job — my job when I go to work?” “Yes,” he said, proudly, “my mommy is a professor!” Owen jumped in, “Yes! Oh! That’s right! My mommy is a professor!!!” When I explained that I wouldn’t be picking them up from school because I’d be “working at my Lehigh office,” they acted totally unfazed about the change in routine. If anything they were excited. I figured that’s how they’d be. That’s just how they are. But me, well, I’m another story. I feel a deep sense of ambivalence about going back to work. Never before in my life have I felt so profoundly ambivalent about anything.

ambivalent (ām-bĭv’-ə-lənt) –noun 1.) uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things. 2.) the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

K, H, M this morning, before work

On one hand, I know for certain that I do not want to be home full-time; that I want to work beyond my family. On the other hand, I am not thrilled (at all) about returning to work and being away from home. I am committed to the work I do. I am committed to the family that I’ve made. I want to contribute to the world in a meaningful way, using my gifts and privileges as best I can, maximizing upon the opportunities I have. But still, I can’t help but want to be with my babies while they are still young and wanting to be with me. Like many people, I imagine, I want it both ways, but am all too well aware that it doesn’t work that way. You can’t have it all. You can have part of each, but you can’t have all of both. What I always come back to is this: I believe that every person has the right to have their personal potential unconstrained. What does that mean for me, as an individual, at this point in my life? How do we balance all we can be with what we want to be? How can we be mothers with empowered careers and not feel like we’re short-changing ourselves, our kids, our work? How can we be good mothers without feeling like we’re short-changing the rest? I could go on and on and on. But I won’t. Whole volumes have been written on it. Many others have already gone on and on. I’ve thought so much about it that I bore even myself with it at this point. Plus, the truth is, it is all too complex to do it any justice in a blog post. So, I’m left… with the internal personal private ambivalence. And I’m left… feeling judged by everyone out there — the high-powered-career-working-moms and the working-because-they-have-no-other-choice-moms and the stay-at-home-moms and everyone else in between. I dread even posting this because of the reaction I’m sure to get. And it is hard to take. But the personal ambivalence, deep within me, is even harder than the judgements that I feel swirling around me. Regardless of all of it — the personal and the public, the intimate and the overt — here I am. Back to work. After seven months off. The day has come. The boys are back to seeing Mommy dressed for work in the morning (“Why does my mommy look so beautiful?” Owen asked this morning as we sat together at the breakfast table), and they are back to being two of only a handful in their classes who don’t have mommy there every single day to pick them up at 1:00 when school’s done. It is familiar for them, I’m sure. And familiar isn’t necessarily bad. But my baby girl… she is, for the first time, facing the reality that she didn’t even know was hers: the reality of having a working mother. A mother with a pretty demanding career. Over the next couple of weeks she’ll have to adjust to what she didn’t even know was coming. That, to me, feels like a loss of innocence. I have known it was coming, but she didn’t. And it feels painful for me. The thing is, though, that ultimately I do know that my three kids will be great. I’m absolutely sure of it. I know because I can see it in them. They all three love life. They are fully engaged with life. They are happy, self-confident, grounded children. And I’m fortunate to have a husband who is just as deeply committed to me working as I am. I’m not worried about the four of them. But what is left is me. And down at the core of all of my ambivalence lies the simple truth that actually, mostly, I’m just sad to have to miss out. I’m sad to have to miss out on a whole day’s worth of slubberly sloppy drooly kisses all over my baby’s face. I’m sad to have someone else pick up my bambinos at school. I’m sad that I won’t hear every one of the boys’ stories first, that I won’t put Meera down for every nap, that I won’t get to laugh at every single one of K & O’s antics, that I won’t hear every coo and babble from my girl, that I won’t make every afternoon snack, that I won’t change every diaper, that I won’t give every time-out. It isn’t so much that I’m worried about my three sweethearts. I’m more just selfishly sad for me. And jealous of whoever gets to do all those things with them. At the same time, I have a career that I’ve been building for over 15 years. I have a PhD, I do work I believe to be important for the world, I have tenure. I have things to do. Things that are larger than what lies within my self, my children, my family, or my home. In my heart I know that I cannot quit. I know that I need to do. So here I am. And here we are.

Meera this afternoon, taken by Braydon

M, H, O this evening, after work