We know that many of you are checking in on us — Braydon checked our blog meter last night and it showed that yesterday alone over 575 people visited our blog — thank you for thinking of us. Status as of today: STILL NO BABY! ;-0

Well, tomorrow is May 15, my due date. Things are getting kind of… how shall I put it?… intense… around here. We are bracing for what is about to come. We are so ready for this baby.

The photo above was taken in early September when we were at Assateague Island (see posts from September 4). It was an incredibly great weekend for our family. Just incredibly, incredibly great. By the end of the weekend we were all rejuvenated and exhausted at the same time. I remember sleeping in the car for over three hours straight on the drive home — the boys were sleeping too — but Braydon and I thought it was so odd (very, very rare) for me to be so sound asleep for so long in the car. Little did we know then that I was pregnant. What a surprise when we found out the following weekend — on Saturday night, September 8 — from a store-bought pregnancy test, that we were going to have a baby. I had been dragging and queasy and feeling funky all week. Braydon bought the test on a whim thinking, ‘could she be pregnant????’ But neither of us really thought it could be. But it was. Talk about shocking! We were totally and completely utterly shocked. And now, nine months later, here we are. Hunkering down, trying to hold strong together, just waiting for her arrival.

The picture of K & O above portrays perfectly to me what it feels like they’re doing right now. When I think about what they’re going through, I think about this photo in my mind. They are so anxious and so excited and so nervous and so full of anticipation about this huge life event that is about to unfold. In the face of it they pull together, sit tight, and face the wave head-on. The past few days they’ve been on edge– Kyle, especially, has been melting down left and right. They are just little bundles of raw nerves and emotions, so ready for this waiting-for-Baby-Sister phase to be done. So ready for her to, as they put it, “come out.” In the past 24 hours we’ve been talking about it a lot with them. They verbalize many, many things about their feelings. They’re frustrated that she’s not born yet; they’re worried she won’t be born; they’re worried she won’t be able to “really be theirs” when she’s born; they’re worried Mommy and Papi won’t be their Mommy and Papi anymore after she’s born; they’re nervous about the baby breast feeding; they’re nervous about Papi feeding the baby a bottle; they’re anxious about Mommy having to be in the hospital; they’re frustrated that they don’t know how much longer it will be; they’re excited about the baby coming soon; they’re “super excited” about bringing the baby home; they’re jealous that their friend at school now has his baby sister and they don’t have theirs yet; they feel like they “can’t wait any more” and they feel like “it is taking too long.” Talking about it really seems to help. The more we talk about it, the calmer and more even-keeled our emotionally charged boys are. So we talk about it. A lot. Mostly, though, I just see and sense their inner selves hunkering down. None of us know — really — what this new chapter will bring. It is so unknown for all of us. But for K & O especially, it is so very unknown. They are so incredibly excited and wanting this, but so incredibly bracing for whatever it may be too. Not really knowing. It is just like that photo above. They so love the splash and salt and rush and strength and full-sensation of that big wave crashing over them. They anticipate face-forward and eyes wide open the power of it, the adventure, the excitement, the drama, the life-force of it. They pull tight together in anticipation — their natural instinctive and learned reaction to all such things. And yet there they sit, two tiny little guys, amidst the hugeness of it all, the gravity of it, everything swirling around them, two little souls, trying to hold steady on shifting ground, just hoping that Mommy and Papi are right there behind them. But not turning back. They are so strong and so fragile all at once. They are so individual and so united all at once. They are so full of all that is good, hard, blissful, and scary in life… all at once. And the wave crashes on them. And they scream with thrill and squint their eyes and spit out the salt and run back to hunker down for the next wave.

It does feel now that Baby Sister will come at any moment. The physical signs are all there (according to me and my doctor). The emotion of it is in full swing, clearly. And Braydon and I are hunkering down too. It feels imminent. It feels scary. It feels content. It feels intense. It feels certain and uncertain. I remember when we looked at that pregnancy test in September and it was — shockingly — positive. We were in our bedroom and the boys were asleep in their beds. My first reaction was to realize that tears were springing from my eyes. I was surprised at myself because they were tears of sheer happiness. My very first conscious thought was, “Yes, this is exactly right, now our family will be complete.” The thought surprised me. I can’t explain why I would have that feeling. But I still do. This feels like the completing of our family. No matter how unplanned or how illogical… or how unusual our family will be… this will — at least for as far as our minds’ eyes can see — complete our family. This big wave is about to hit. We hunker down and wait. So much uncertainty swirls around us. Only two things are for certain: life for us four is about to get even more rich, and this little baby is going to have quite an interesting life.

The kids got to wear scrubs, etc., but Owen did not want anything covering his “I’m Going To Be A Big Brother!” t-shirt. (!) Kyle was thrilled (and took it very seriously) to dress like a “real doctor!”

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In one of the labor/delivery rooms Nurse Barb used a special doll with a baby in its belly to demonstrate the whole process. K & O knew all about this already, but still they were absolutely enthralled with the whole thing.

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Kyle was so incredibly excited while we were on the tour of the hospital. He would go listen to Nurse Barb for awhile and then come back to find Braydon and I — jumping/prancing/grinning-ear-to-ear — just so excited he was about to bust at the seams.

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The boys’ favorite part was when they got to look through the windows into the nursery to see the “real just born babies!” They were so taken with this. They could have stayed there forever.

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They could not get enough of looking at the babies. We had to literally pull them away from the windows when it was time to go.

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This morning when Kyle woke up he came stumbling into our bedroom as he always does. He climbed into bed and the first thing he said was, “Mommy, are you ready for the baby to come out?” A few minutes later, this was the conversation~~ (note for new blog readers: June is K & O’s imaginary friend)~~
Kyle: Mommy, I am excited about Baby Sister. But June is not excited. She’s feeling mad.
Heather: Oh! Why is June mad?
K: Because Kyle and Owen and Papi and Mommy are going to feed our baby. But not June. She can’t feed her. So she’s mad.
H: Oh, she’s mad about that? Is she feeling jealous?
K: Yes. But June has her own baby.
H: Oh! What’s June’s baby’s name?
K: Her name is ‘Baby Sister’
H: Oh!
K: She is inside June’s belly. Right Owen?
O: That’s right!
K: And she will be born very soon. So, she’ll have her own baby and we will have our own baby.

We’re getting very close to the due date (6 days away), and I feel like it could be any minute now. I caught a cold from the boys this week, so I’m feeling under the weather with sore throat, runny nose, low-energy, etc. I am hoping to get rid of this cold fast so that it will be gone before I go into labor. But now that K & O’s birthday has come and gone they are all set for their sister’s arrival. In late December when we told them they were going to be big brothers May seemed soooooooooo far away!!! And, here we are.

It’s the final countdown – one week to go until Baby Sister is due! Doesn’t Heather look AWESOME?!?!? I can’t believe how amazing my wife is. I know men often say this, but wow – I am really in awe of her. Not only has she taken incredible care of herself and our baby, but she puts on a happy, energetic face for the boys everyday, she creates wonderful birthday parties, she maintains her enormous career, keeps our social life intact, plans and cooks for all of us. She is an amazing wife, she powers through pain, discomfort, sleeplessness (and there is not a whole lot of sleeping going on around here at the moment) and she looks beautiful. (and truthfully, I am quite sure I don’t know everything she does.)

Incredible.

I cannot get over it that they are turning 4!?! These pictures are from May 8, 2005 — their first birthday.

On their first birthday the boys had been home just over three months. In those short three months they had gained many pounds, gotten many teeth, and grown many inches. They had become healthy and were well on their way to a full physical recovery. They were also making huge strides developmentally, emotionally, and psychologically. They still weren’t ready for a houseful of people and/or any kind of ‘real’ birthday party… they were just barely starting to come out of their shells and blossom. But we knew in our hearts that they were going to thrive. The signs were all there already. We felt so lucky that their first birthday was their first birthday home. We were so grateful to have been able to bring them home so young. We also felt lots of deep emotions about that day they turned one. I cried often — deep mournful crying — around that time. I mourned for what they hadn’t had on the day of their birth. I mourned for what that day must have been like for them, as tiny newborn infants. I mourned for all that was lost, never to be able to be regained. And I mourned for their birthmother… the thoughts would flood my mind… what must it have been like to give birth on that day in Cite Soleil, Haiti? The blazing hot sun and the dirty dusty smokey filthy hazy painfulness of it all? They were born at a missionary clinic in Cite Soleil — how did she get there? she had never had medical care, so what a surprise it must have been to birth twins? and what was it like then — to know in her heart that they were not to be hers to raise? We can’t assume anything about her emotions or thoughts; we know enough about the situation in Haiti to know not to assume. But I can’t help but wonder. And I wonder most about my babies… what happens when that happens to an infant? A precious newborn soul. I give thanks they were twins, they had each other. But to start your life that way — to have your birth day be that day. What does it all mean? That year they turned one I agonized over all this. And I was so deeply grateful, too, that they had been born. That they had survived. That they were mine. By the time their actual birthday came I was emotionally drained from churning and churning over these sorts of things (and what I’ve written here is just the very tip of the iceberg). But I was also in the midst of an intense phase with Kyle and Owen. As their mother my goal was to ‘go back’ and ‘re-do’ as much of their infancy as I possibly could with them. Knowing that I could never truly go back, nor truly re-do, I was driven to do the best I could nonetheless. I insisted that they be held as much as humanly possible and that the house be as soothing as we could possibly make it. We’d rock them for hours, we’d hold their hands down so that we could bottle feed them (in the orphanage they had been taught to feed themselves and had been doing so since around age 4 months… so they’d fight us in the beginning not wanting to rely on us for feedings), we’d coo to them like they were newborns, we’d force them to have eye-contact despite their many attempts to not, we’d run to them at every tiny whimper 24×7, we’d protect them as if they were just hours old. We felt fortunate — around May 8, 2005 we knew in our hearts that it was working. Our boys had sparkles in their eyes. They were engaged in the world. They were enjoying life. They were alive. Their first birthday was on a Sunday. We had them baptized that day. The ceremony was special and beautiful for us. It was also Mother’s Day. I felt that it was a profound thing: to have their first birthday, their baptisms, and my first Mother’s Day all on the exact same day. It felt charmed somehow. It felt like the weights were being lifted, that we were coming into the light. It felt like an incredible miracle — a fresh new start in life for two precious and beautiful and fragile souls. Like many adoptive mom’s, I continue to have mixed emotions around Kyle and Owen’s birthday. It brings to the surface many thoughts and feelings that seem to forever be somewhat raw. I don’t fight it because I think it is good for those things to always remain a little bit at the surface and a little bit raw. It doesn’t dominate me, but it is part of me. It is part of being mother to Kyle and Owen. It just means that we are real. The history is real. The present is real. And the future — whatever it may hold — is real. Three years ago, when they turned one, I could not have imagined the boys that they would be today. I feel blessed beyond belief for what they were and what they have become. And I anticipate with open arms what the future has in store.

This morning, as usual, the boys were cuddling in bed with us just after they woke up. Totally out of the blue Kyle says to me, “Mommy, when I am a grown up man you will sleep with me in my bed — just like you sleep with Papi!” Then Owen chimed in, “And when I am a grown up man Papi will sleep with me in my bed!” Braydon and I were trying not to laugh. I said, “Well maybe you guys will want to find your own people to sleep with when you are grown up men?! I think you’ll want to find your own woman or your own man to sleep in your beds with you!!” Kyle says, “No, mommy, not another woman, just you — when I am a grown up man you will sleep in my bed!” And Owen says, “Yup, that’s right — when I am a grown up man Papi will sleep in my bed! Not another man, just Papi!”