Someday I’m going to take a chunk of time to write a nice long post about our experiences and perspectives so far on the subject of Raising Black Boys. In the meantime… here is a blog post written by another white mother raising two black sons that nicely articulates some of the same thoughts we have: Click Here.
Today we spent the afternoon in Philadelphia at the Please Touch Museum. Owen and Kyle loved it so much that they BOTH threw mega-tantrums when the museum closed at 5:00 and we had to leave. That’s always a real pleasure: double tantrums. Luckily for us, it is a very rare occurance. Luckily for us, we can each take one thrashing/kicking/screaming bambino. We don’t know how single parents of multiples do it, and our hearts really go out to them. One of the very best parts of the Please Touch Museum is the racial/ethnic diversity of this museum’s visitors. Today our experience there was one of the most racially integrated experiences I/we have ever had. For our family, that alone is well worth the trip. While not one other family we saw even came close to resembling our own, K & O got to play with lots of other black kids and we all got to be in an environment with almost every racial/ethnic group represented. And while we still get tons of stares and questions and strange/curious looks, K & O were not the only people in the place with dreadlocks! (although, they were definately the only people under the age of 12 with dreadlocks!) Anyway, it was fun.
But…
The BIG news of the day is…
(And this is BIG news!)…
Drumroll please…
KYLE ATE RICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the way to Philadelphia we stopped for lunch at Baja Fresh — The boys had quesadillas and they came with rice. I thought, “what a waste! they’ll never eat the rice.” But… in an incredibly historic moment for our family, Kyle happily gobbled down not only his own rice, but his brother’s rice too!
This is a huge, huge, huge deal for us. Because rice/beans has been part of our adoption story right from the start. While they were in the orphanage the boys were fed nothing but rice and beans (in addition to the baby formula they’d sometimes get). At the age they were then (0-8 months), they were not able to digest it. We’ll never forget the very first time we changed their diapers only to find horrifying diaper rashes and big piles of undigested rice and beans in there. I honestly think that horrific image is burned into my brain forever. From the start they both refused to eat rice and/or beans. Understandably. We thought it would wear off. But it didn’t. Every few weeks I have tried to feed them rice and/or beans. I’ve even tried hiding it in soup or stew, etc. They’ll pick out every tiny grain of rice and every little measly bean. But not today! Our Ky Ky ate a whole bunch of rice! Happily! Yay for him! Owen refused it, but that’s no problem– he ate enough of his (and his brother’s) quesadillas to make up for it!
Our daycare is closed for this week, so I’ve taken this time off from work, and for the past three days I’ve been home with the boys. I purposefully didn’t plan any outings or activities for us — thinking that after being away in New Hampshire for a week the boys could use a little low-key down-time at home. Although I’ve almost lost my mind (I’m not someone who can easily stay put in any one place for one whole day… let alone three in a row!), it was definately the right thing for K & O. Other than getting back into the swing of all things eating-and-sleeping related (they got waaaaaaaaay off track while we were away), and re-bonding as a tight little dynamic duo (they are going through an incredibly intensive phase right now with their relationship — extremely loving with each other and extraordinarily happy to play alone just the two of them, with almost zero fighting or irritability whatsoever), and of course spending gobs of time playing with all their new Christmas presents, here’s what’s comprised the bulk of our time over the past three days:
Playing with Water in the Kitchen Sink
[Note: most of the time they are pretending that they are “washing trucks in the car wash”]
Waiting for Their Heroes (The Garbage Guys / Trash Truck Drivers ) to Arrive
[Note: K & O insisted on bringing the trash trucks they got from Santa to the end of the driveway. The trucks sat there for over an hour until finally the trash guys arrived to pick up our trash, then the boys did their regular thing – ran like crazy to greet the guys, clapped and cheered for them, etc…. AND… proudly held their toy trash trucks up high for the garbage collector guys to hold and admire. The guys were quite impressed with the trucks… and the four of them (2 trash guys + their 2 biggest fans) spent quite some quality time discussing the similarities between the “real garbage truck” and the “toy garbage trucks”… to see other posts where I’ve mentioned the boys’ relationship with our garbage collectors click here and here]
Seriously Discussing the Finer Details of the Inner Workings of Trucks’ “Motors”:
Putting Rocks Inside Trucks:
Putting Sand Into Trucks:
Swinging Like Little Maniacs:
[Note: most of the time they are pretending that they are “pilots driving a biiiiiig airplane”… or… their favorite… that they are “going sooooooo FAST! in a BIIIIIG TRUCK!!!!!!”]
You don’t need to spend three days isolated alone at home with them to pick up on the robust TRUCK theme!! ;0
It was a Christmas To Remember!
As I was taking my first “Christmas Vacation” photo in the Philadelphia airport on Wednesday morning I laughingly said to Braydon, “Is it ok for me to take about a million photos of these two boys over the next week?!” And he laughed back, “YES!! I bought an extra memory card for the camera!!!” An older woman in the airport overheard us and ran up to me to say: “Honey, enjoy it! And take as many photos of these adorable boys as you possibly can!!!” Then she walked off smiling. I thought to myself, “I WILL take tons of photos! I will I will! I don’t care if I go overboard with it! They’re only going to be 2 for Christmas once!” Just now as I uploaded the photos from the camera to my computer it showed that we had taken 396 photos! Here are some of our favorites.
The journey begins in the Philadelphia airport. This was our first time traveling via airplane with the boys without strollers or baby backpacks… the boys rolled their “turtle bags” like old pro’s!
Owen arrives at the Manchester, New Hampshire airport.
Once at MorMor and MorFar’s house… first thing on the agenda:A ride in MorFar’s Tractor wagon!
My little family spending time where I grew up.
Grandparents and Grandchildren.
Beautiful Owen.
MorFar uses his chainsaw to “cut wood!”
Owen and Kyle use their chainsaws to “cut wood!”
Dinner and drinks at my sister’s beautiful home in Maine
Yogurt! The boys went on some sort of crazy yogurt binge over the Christmas week. (Over one 48-hour period we actually kept count — Kyle alone ate 14 yogurts in those 2 days. We didn’t even tally up how many they each ate the rest of the days.)
The extraordinary view looking out over the field behind my parents’ home.
Three cousins play trumpets! (another gift from MorMor and MorFar!)
Three cousins throw rocks and sticks into Lake Ossipee.
My little family spending time where I grew up.
Grandparents and Grandchildren.
Beautiful Owen.
MorFar uses his chainsaw to “cut wood!”
Owen and Kyle use their chainsaws to “cut wood!” (These toy chainsaws — identical to MorFar’s real chainsaw — were
Christmas presents for the boys from my parents… K & O *love* them and once they had received them then for the rest of our trip we rarely went for more than a few minute span without hearing these toy chainsaw motors running.)
Dinner and drinks at my sister’s beautiful home in Maineafter we all attended my niece’s Christmas Dance Recital.
Yogurt! The boys went on some sort of crazy yogurt binge over the Christmas week. (Over one 48-hour period we actually kept count — Kyle alone ate 14 yogurts in those 2 days. We didn’t even tally up how many they each ate the rest of the days.)
The extraordinary view looking out over the field behind my parents’ home.
Three cousins play trumpets! (another gift from MorMor and MorFar!)
On Christmas Eve day my parents treated us all to a horse-drawn hayride through Freedom Village.
MorMor and Kyle.
MorFar built a big bonfire in the campfire pit. The boys loved it!
My dad and I standing by the bonfire as it gets dark.
Christmas Eve.
The boys made a guest appearance in the Freedom Church Christmas Eve Pageant! All of the boys were supposed to be sheep, and the girls angels. But K & O really wanted to be angels, not sheep. So they were. They stole the show (see “Highlight” post!)
Christmas morning.
Christmas afternoon.
MorMor playing with her three cutie pies!
Braydon packs up to head home!We’ve never before had a travel experience where
half of our pieces of luggage are filled with toys!
Owen and Kyle at the airport before boarding the plane.
When we arrived home there were tons of Christmas presents waiting that had come in the mail while we were away. Included was a bag of gifts that had been left at our door for K & O by none other than……. the boys’ heros!….. our garbage collectors / garbage truck drivers!!! (the boys are their biggest fans and always LOVE waving and cheering for them as they pick up our trash each week in the big garbage truck) We were so honored that these two guys had taken the time to leave a gift for our two boys.
The big present waiting under the tree at home was a train set. Our Christmas holidays ended with
our sweet Owen playing quietly into the night.
So… Kyle and Owen got to be in the Christmas Eve Nativity Pageant even though we were just visitors (very inclusive church!). They chose to be angels and their cousin Sadie chose to be a sheep (toddler gender-bending! despite what anyone else might have thought, we were beyond thrilled with this!!!). Our two little angels absolutely stole the show from the second that “the multitude of heavenly angels” entered the stage. They were about as gosh darn cute as could possibly be, and every person in the place was ooohing and aaahing over the two of them. Then came a moment that I quite possibly will never ever forget… and the only moment that I (as well as many, many, many other audience members) have laughed so hard that I’ve cried in church… Our little angels stole Baby Jesus out of the manger and took off!… Due to some sort of Christmas Miracle Braydon had the presence of mind to capture the whole thing on film:
Here, as the bible story of the birth of Jesus is somberly read aloud in the dimly lit church, the boys realize that there is an actual baby lying in the manger (well, it was actually a doll, but it was very real looking)… you can see the look of sheer wonder (and thrill) in their eyes.
As many of you know, the boys desperately want a baby brother/sister. They ask for this almost daily. I fully believe that in this moment they truly thought that their biggest dreams had been answered on this very special Christmas Eve and that this baby could potentially be theirs! Just imagine- we’ve been making this huge deal about Christmas- finally it is clear to them– “Ah ha!!! This is why they’ve been making such a big thing of this!!!!!!” In this photo above, you can see the look of concentration on Owen’s face as he ponders how to claim this baby — “Hmmmm… How can we get it out of the manger and out of this place? I think I could just snatch it right now…” And you can see the look on Kyle’s face too as he peers up at his 3-year-old cousin — “Sadie, you’re my cousin and all, but don’t you dare even think about stopping us from taking this baby!”
And then, they make their move. Owen snatches it out of the manger, Kyle’s got his brother’s back, and the two of them take off, delighted. Sadly for them: 1) MorMor took the baby away and put it back in the manger, and 2) They realized later that the baby was just a doll. The entire Christmas Eve congregation in this quaint little New England church erupted in deep, belly-aching, tears-streaming, from-the-gut laughter. A little Christmas present for us from our two little angels!
Well, I hate to make assumptions about their own thoughts and feelings and opinions, but I think this one is pretty safe to assume… If they were able to verbalize their own highlight from Christmas 2006, I can guarantee that Kyle and Owen would say, “Motorcycles! Hands down!!!” Yup, they are spoiled rotten by their MorMor and MorFar. Yup, they got motorized VESPAS from their MorMor and MorFar. Yup, — so far so good — they truly genuinely organically appreciate their MorMor and MorFar. So, nobody is complaining. No comments necessary for these three photos taken upon unwrapping the vespas on Christmas morning.
We’re headed to New Hampshire for Christmas at MorMor & MorFar’s house — we fly out today. We are super excited! I’m going to take a break from blogging while we’re away. We’re pretty sure that this will be a Christmas To Remember. I can’t imagine it getting any more magical for us than having the boys be 2.5 and full of awe and wonder and gusto for all of life. We are more than doubly blessed, and we know it. I was talking on the phone with my friend Stacey yesterday and she said, “What was Christmas like before we had our kids?!” I do remember what it was like. It was fun. But this now is really, really, fun! I’ll post when we return! Merry Christmas!
Owen, Karen, and Kyle this morning before daycareWe (but especially I) often hear from people “I don’t know how you do it!” or get asked by people “How do you do it?!” They’re referring to the whole 2-career-working-family-with-young-kids-somehow-managing-to-hold-it-all-together-thing. Even other working mothers sometimes say it to me when they learn I have *TWINS* or when they realize how *ACTIVE* Kyle and Owen are. People seem to want some profound explanation from me and I often feel like I’m disappointing them when I reveal that I haven’t come up with one yet. So far, I just kind of laugh and shrug and say, “I don’t know how we’re doing it either!!!!” or “We’re just doing it — and it is sooooooooooooo hard!!!” But the truth is, there are at least two keys to the whole-ball-of-wax that we’re very aware of here at the Johnson-McCormick homestead: 1) superb help, and 2) relinquishing all control. The ‘relinquishing all control’ part was really tough for me at first… but I’ve become an *EXPERT* at it!!! People have a hard time understanding, for example, how it is that I can let our babysitter Alex go off and running to who-knows-where with my two toddlers in her car every Wednesday afternoon and have no idea where they are. I can see how that’s perplexing to a lot of parents. But our life as we know it (including all the really rich and amazing experiences and relationships that Kyle and Owen have) literally would not be possible if I was hung up on the details and in control of it all. This is why #1 (‘superb help’) is so critical. Superb help requires a lot of research and work and time to find. But once we’ve got it — we’re set. We have an exceptionally superb daycare, an exceptionally superb babysitter, an exceptionally superb lawn/garden/outdoorsy guy, and an exceptionally superb housecleaner/housekeeper/indoorsy gal. Our housekeeper (we call her that because we believe 100% that she literally KEEPS our house operating!) is Karen. Karen’s been taking care of Braydon and I since before we adopted Kyle and Owen… and now she’s taking care of all four of us. She comes one morning a week. In the first six months home from Haiti Karen saw the boys more than anyone did other than Braydon and I. She has a special bond with our boys. They adore her. I know people say this a lot, but in this case it is really true: Karen is like part of our family. (I could go on and on about her but I’ve gotta pack for our trip to New Hampshire for Christmas so I’ve got to keep this brief — I’ll put it this way: Karen and Braydon and I have had a LOT of really deep conversations together about how absolutely critical her work is to our work and how absolutely critical her life is to our life, and about how the working class are the foundational centerpiece to middle class “achievement,” and about how housecleaners and childcare workers are the exploited pillar of upper-class “success” in every arena of life including work family, etc., etc., etc. Like I said, I could go on and on and on…) Anyway, this morning when Karen arrived for her regular Tuesday-morning-visit-with-the-boys-before-cleaning/work/daycare, we had a little Christmas “Party” and exchanged gifts. So, at 8:00 this morning, here was the scene: First Kyle and Owen opened their gifts from Karen…
…Then Kyle and Owen opened Karen’s gifts from us (?!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!):
Then we were all off and running! Thank you Karen for all that you do!!!
In this holiday season of excess it’s easy to overlook some basics. There always seems to be delicious food around, and during the time from Halloween to New Year’s we all have the sense that we’re going to put on a few pounds. Even if we try not to.
Last night at dinner, Heather had made this awesome spinach and shrimp curry over rice – really really great (and amazing she had the gumption to actually pull that off, but that’s another story). K & O were not so keen on it. I think most parents can remember when they struggled to get their kids to eat a full dinner and experiment with different foods. Kyle wound up only eating a little of the rice; they both switched to yogurt, but in the end Owen ate only 1/2 a yogurt. Just delightful.
About an hour after we put them to bed, Owen woke up screaming and scared that there was a tiger in his bed (vaguely reminiscent of the doggie in his bed) – he had been playing with a little stuffed tiger earlier that day. We got him settled and back in bed. After that, Owen proceeded to wake up and cry a little about every thirty minutes. We would go get him settled – and eventually gave him a little warm milk. He still was very unsettled, restless and would cry and fuss every 20-30 minutes or so.
Around 2 AM Heather and I started to become very very worried. He was not settling down and he was not sleeping (neither were we). We brought him into our bed (which we never do) and tried to get him settled. He was squirming and squirming; he would settled down for around 30 seconds to a minute and then fidget, and kick and sometimes moan. He would pull his legs up to his chest and then shoot them out straight. While he progressively got worse and it became apparent this was a lot more than having a bad dream, we became progressively more worried.
At 2:30 AM we turned on the light and woke him up fully. We asked him what was wrong. He said ‘owiee in there’ and pointed to the left side of his abdomen. In our sleep deprivation we couldn’t figure out what that meant and of course jumped to the worse possible conclusion – appendicitis. Fortunately the appendix is on the other side of the body, but at 2:30, who could be sure. We asked him if he had another owiee, he pointed to his leg, his chest and his arm. In our worry we started to think he was having some type of full body system failure.
We asked him if he was hungry and he vigorously nodded his head. What did he want? “Grapes” and “Crackers” and “Milk and “Snacks”. Ok – we all went quickly downstairs. Heather got him the requested “snacks” and I held him on the couch. She came back with the snacks and I fed them to him one at a time. After a bunch of grapes, a bunch of cheese and a cup of milk (the crackers went untouched), he said “I’m done” and tucked his head onto my chest. He sucked his paci and cuddled his lovey lion. He wanted to go to sleep.
We realized that he had been hungry – nothing more, nothing less. We put him in his bed, tucked him in and let him fall asleep. That was a complete relief – he was ok, just hungry.
It’s not easy to forget where they came from. It’s not easy to forget how special our family is. But sometimes there is a visceral reminder of the truth of a life history we’ll never fully understand – of being hungry.
And we can’t ever forget that even though they were only hungry for the first 8 months of their life, it never fully goes away.
Owen and Kyle are 2 years + 7 months old. Since they were 8 months old they’ve been hearing us tell them “I love you” numerous times every single day and even in the night when we watch them sleeping. When they first started talking I taught them to respond to us saying “I love you” to them by saying back to us: “I know!” It was very, very cute. It was so darn cute! People who would hear it got such a kick out of it — hearing a parent say “I love you” to their 20 month old and having that baby confidently respond “I know!” I taught them to say “I know!” instead of “I love you too” in response to our “I love you”‘s because I conscientiously did not want them to be “trained” to say those precious-“I-love-you”- words before they were ready. I wanted them to say it on their own terms, when they understood what it meant, and when saying it to us (or whomever they’d say it to) would really mean something for them. I knew someday it would mean something for them, and I wanted for them to be able to wait until they were ready to say it, with no pressure or expectation from us. Some of the people who overheard these “I love you”–“I know!” intereactions on a daily basis were the daycare staff. At drop-off every day we give the boys lots of hugs kisses and snuggles and always-always-always say “I love you” (often multiple times) while we are saying goodbye. Many days over the past year or so Kyle and Owen have cheerily and confidently responded: “I know!” to our “I love you”‘s at drop-off. And some days they just hug and kiss and giggle and coo and don’t say anything at all in response. But never did they say, “I love you” back. Until today. Today at drop-off, as always, I was giving my snuggles and cuddles and saying goodbye to my sweet bambinos. I rubbed my cheek to Kyle’s cheek and said, “I love you baby” and he said, “I LOVE YOU.” I whispered quietly into his ear: “Thank you sweetie! Thank you for saying ‘I love you’!” Then I went to find Owen to say goodbye. I rubbed my cheek to Owen’s cheek and said, “I love you baby” and he said, “I LOVE YOU.” I whispered quietly into his ear: “Thank you sweetie! Thank you for saying ‘I love you’!”
KyleWe got a new camera today (our Christmas present to ourselves!). Here are some pictures from Braydon’s first whirl with it!
It was 70 degrees here today! The boys played outside in their shed, “cooking” and “making coffee”
Owen riding his motorcycle in the basement wearing my hard-earned New Orleans beads (from days long past – – – remember that *fun* trip Jen & Anthony?!?! ahhh! my son has no idea what I did to earn those beads… and god-willing he never will!!!!)
Although they absolutely cannot do it whatsoever, the boys really like to try to open nuts with nutcrackers
Owen kisses Kyle
Kyle kisses OwenRight after this shot, we overheard Owen say to Kyle, “I love you” — this was the first time that we’ve heard either of them say this to each other unprompted. I got choked up in that moment.
Kyle in a quiet moment
Owen fascinated with the early Christmas gift that came in the mail today from Roxann & Catherine… A Bob the Builder Christmas Special Video!!! We’ve never actually seen a Bob the Builder show before this arrived today. Can you tell by Owen’s face that he LOVED it?! (Thank you Auntie Roxann!!!)
End of day, snuggling on the couch, watching the video before bedtime
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