(I’ve become fascinated with what will be on the white board in our dorm lounge each morning when I wake up)

Throughout this year we have often felt like strangers in a strange land… living on a college campus as a family of five… living amongst them, and with them, but being not entirely one of them. I’ve often felt like we’re foreigners in a new exotic culture; just like when we travel to distant places– we try to watch and observe, try to pick up on the nuances of the behaviors and the subtleties of the interactions, try to follow along as best we can, interpreting and translating, trying to make sense, attempting to understand what and why and how everything that is happening is happening. It is intriguing, and fascinating, and curious — we’re living, fully immersed, in a new culture — we are in it, but not wholly part of it. So we see it with a confusion and clarity that can come only from being semi-outside it while also in it.

There is no time during which this sensation has been more profound than during the final exam periods.

At the end of the fall semester, when the final exam period kicked in, we were truly stunned by the dramatic shift in the entire tone/feeling/culture of the campus. Having been to college ourselves (granted– 20 years ago, and granted– at a much different college), and having both been through PhD programs, and with me having taught at Lehigh for the past eleven years, Braydon and I thought we knew a bit about what to expect. But no. We had no idea. And now, at the end of spring semester, as we are finishing out the second final exam period of the year, we are once again completely stunned by this strange land we find ourselves in.

If I had to narrow it down to one word, final exams at Lehigh is: intense. Classes end, and then, according to university policy, “quiet hours will be in effect 24 hours a day beginning at 1:00 a.m. following the last day of classes each semester.” This may (or may not?) have been the official rule where I went to college– even if it was, nobody actually abided by it. So, I never anticipated that it would truly be honored here either. But I was so wrong. Here, at Lehigh, people take it completely seriously.

Classes end on a Friday. The students party it up that Friday night. But when we wake up the following morning, BAM!, it is like a whole different place. It is quiet. All the time. All day long. All night long. Everywhere. The tone drastically changes. Students are solemn, serious, sober (literally, and figuratively). There is studying going on everywhere, all the time, all day, and all night. They sleep irregularly, and only in short 3-4 hour chunks of time, but not necessarily during the nighttime. A campus normally very focused on health (typically lots of exercising and relatively healthy eating habits) suddenly becomes barren of these things; Dominoes delivery goes into full tilt, protein drinks become some people’s main form of sustenance, exercising reduces dramatically, alcohol consumption plummets, the illegal taking of prescription stimulants rises exponentially, Red Bull and coffee and cases and cases of bottled iced tea are consumed.

It is a pressure cooker. We watch as students we know and love — who are usually quite steady and relatively healthy individuals — grow pale in the face and bloodshot in the eyes. They have a hard time carrying on a conversation if it is about anything other than school work and exam schedules. They study so hard. All the time. It is truly astounding. It is also disconcerting.

While it is amazing (truly, awe-inspiring), to see these young people be so driven, eager, and focused, it is also troubling. What has made them so fixated on the seriousness of, and cramming for, exams? I worry about it. Because of the particular historical period of time during which they’ve been growing up, they’ve been socialized in a culture that has been high-stakes testing them since they were five. They’ve been taught that the test is end-all-be-all. And then they reach Lehigh, and their professors here keep ratcheting it up, higher and higher, the sky’s the limit as to how much pressure is layered on. Their parents call them to inquire about their classes, their grades, their exams. Graduate schools up the anti with constantly escalating prerequisite test scores to get in. Employers want to see GPAs. Students absorb it. The emphasis on the test become all consuming.

Some of them have developed coping strategies that are scary and devastating (popping Adderall; obsessive compulsive Facebooking; binge eating and purging). Most of this goes on in private, behind closed doors, so I only hear about it and don’t directly witness it.

What we see much more is that (thank goodness!), some of them have developed coping strategies that are healthy and good. It has been during the final exam periods that we’ve seen the bambinos’ toys be played with the most; on sunny days this past week we’ve seen many students taking a break to listen to music through their earphones and sit for a few minutes on the lawn with their faces tilted toward the sun; our piano, which is always in our building’s lounge, is played more during final exams than the rest of the year combined. The music pouring from that piano is sometimes the only sound we hear early in the morning.

It is a hard balance to strike: to study hard, to be ambitious to compete and achieve, but to also honor your whole self. I’ve been trying hard to talk through this with the bambinos as they too have been fully immersed as strangers in this strange land. “It is important to work hard,” I try to tell them, “but it is also important to keep a hold of yourself.”

Kyle and Owen, especially, have become fascinated by it all. “They study so much!,” they keep saying, “Why do they study so much?” We try to talk about it. They are particularly intrigued by the athletes– the fact that these guys, whom they worship on the field and on the court, are just as much accountable for their classes and exams as any other student, is mind blowing (honestly, it is mind blowing to me just as much as it is to K & O; knowing what some of these students pour into their sports, it is beyond my comprehension how they manage with the full academic burden too).

The other day after school I told the bambinos that we were going to take a little field trip to one of the libraries. We’ve been to the libraries many times, but never during final exams. But we’ve been hearing constantly, “I’m going to the library to study,” so I thought we should go take a look.

Intense. It really comes down to that again. The place was absolutely packed. We walked through a couple of the floors to get a good look– every seat taken, every study carrel inhabited, every computer in full use. The silence — and just the sheer intensity — was astounding.

They have a program here at Lehigh during final exams that takes place in the library: They bring puppies in (dogs being trained to become service animals), and encourage ‘Stress Reduction Study Breaks’ to play with the puppies (numerous studies have shown that pets significantly decrease stress). As we walked through the library, the bambinos caused a little commotion. The reaction from students seemed to me mixed: Many seemed very perturbed and annoyed by the presence of children walking through, many were so focused on what they were working on that they never even looked up, and some took a breather and smiled ear-to-ear at the simple sight of them (no kidding). I had 3 different students stop me to ask: “Is this part of the stress reduction program? Like the puppies? You’re bringing the kids through to break up the stress?” “No,” I said, “we’re actually just taking a look at the library scene during finals.” “Oh,” they all responded flatly, “ok.”

While we were there we saw one of K & O’s basketball idols, Gabe Knutson, studying at a cramped table full of notebooks and laptops and textbooks. This was a powerful experience for my boys. Gabe is a good guy, and he knows the boys. He stopped studying for a few minutes to fool around with them and make their day. “Wow,” they said afterwards, “Gabe was studying super hard.” “Yes,” I said, “he was.” He’s about to graduate, and will then most likely go on to play professional basketball in Europe.

Later that night, after dinner, K & O had homework to do. They wanted to “study hard” and — in their words — “train for when we’re in college having finals.” We found them on the 4th floor of our building, in a small study lounge that is rarely used up there, with their spelling words for the week, working harder on those words than we’ve ever seen them work on any homework before.

Strangers in a strange land, that is what we are.

24 hours a day, during a 10-day period, twice a year, we shush our three kids round the clock, we have to remind them incessantly to “respect the students’ studying!,” and we watch and observe as everyone around us goes into this intensive mode of operation. We watch and we learn. All that we’re learning, I do not know. I just know that we are learning — all of us.

(after school today: one caramel, one strawberry, one vanilla)

Two very special once-a-year occurrences always collide annually during this week of May…

K & O’s Birthday Week = 1/2 Price Frappuccino Week!

When I first started blogging in October 2006, Kyle and Owen were 2-years-old, and Meera was not even on the horizon yet. I always thought that when K & O turned 5 or so I’d quit blogging for the sake of their privacy. But as time went on, and as blogging became such a big part of my own mental health, and as blogging became our primary (and, really, sole) form of memory-keeping, I abandoned my commitment to quit. There were other reasons too: blogging became much more popular, social media became the “norm” instead of the exception, and people have become much more accepting/tolerant/understanding of using public spaces for personal voices. Also– and probably most importantly– as my kids have come to understand more and more about our blog (and about my blogging, and about blogging in general), they’ve actually encouraged me — in their own ways, both implicit and overt — to keep on blogging. Rather than shying away from it, or feeling exposed by it, they have surprised me by being all for it.

However, for quite a long time now I’ve been struggling with how to move forward, in a child/age-appropriate way, that will incorporate my kids’ perspectives of situations, not just my own. And recently I’ve latched onto this idea: what if we experimented with the kids blogging from time to time? I’d never push it on them, but what if they wanted to do it? What if they wanted to post — for the exact same reasons I usually want to? They love going back and looking at memories on the blog, we often turn to it as a family to help us remember certain events or experiences, and the kids are starting to see the value of both the journaling aspect of the blog and the memory-keeping aspect of the blog.

So, I’ve been waiting for the right time to introduce this new thing: THE BAMBINOS BLOG. And tonight is the perfect night. We had a huge day today, and it is a perfect example of the sorts of things I’d like to let the bambinos — themselves — post about.

Tonight, it is Kyle posting. He’s posting about a momentous day in his (and our family’s) life. By allowing Kyle to blog about it, we’re allowing him to share the story— but only the story that he wants to share. Lots of details are left out. But that is ok— that is how every blog post always is— and at least this way, I can rest assured that the details in and out are the details that Kyle has selected (and in the case of tonight’s post, that Owen, too has approved).

I’m not sure how often the bambinos will blog. We’ll just experiment with it and see how it goes. It may or may not stick– but for tonight, I’m really happy to have the bambinos post this one. (See Kyle’s post below.)

Kyle, Patrick, Owen ~ May 5, 2013 ~ Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

* * *

We have the most wonderful maintenance guy at Sayre. Kerry keeps all of Sayre in tip-top-shape, and he’s been such a huge help to us in so many ways this year. In addition to making sure everything is in perfect order for us, he’s also become a good friend to our family– often taking time to stop and chat with me and/or Braydon, and even more often taking time to stop to play one or two minutes of hoops with K & O… which goes a long way in making two boys feel very much at home and cared for. He’s been great. And we’re ending the academic year on a very high note with Kerry– he went way above and beyond to provide us with not just an outdoor faucet hook-up, but a hose and sprinkler too. We used it for the first time this weekend! It made the five J-Ms very happy (especially a certain 4-year-old-girl).

I am so glad that living on campus doesn’t have to mean sacrificing this simple spring/summer childhood pleasure.

And who says it is just a “childhood” pleasure? Turns out… yup!… our Sayre (20-year-old) friends enjoyed-the-heck-out-of-it too! (a great study break during final exam week!)

Last night was a big night for Kyle and me.

Big Backstory:

1. I am really bad at winning awards. I mean, I do win them. I’m an ambitious, competitive, driven person. But I’m bad at the receiving of them. It creates a lot of psychological agitation and emotional anxiety for me to be in the spotlight and singled out for praise/accolades/prizes/accomplishments. Overshare: There’s a lot to why this is that I don’t want to get into here on the blog, but trust me when I say, it is a big struggle for me. I spent a year of very intensive therapy, at age 29-30, to try to deal with, in large part, some of the issues at the core of this problem for me (and made huge progress…), and I am constantly working on it, but (still…), I struggle. Anyhooooo………. onto #2–
2. As noted above, I’m an ambitious, competitive, driven person. I select goals for myself very carefully, and set them rarely. But when I do, I am decidedly driven to achieve them. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember (my mom can tell you some stories!! I’ve done this for my whole life and the stories date way back). When I arrived at Lehigh, I set two goals for myself: I) to get tenure, and II) to win the Deming Lewis Award.
3. Kyle is (fortunately and unfortunately) a lot like me, especially in terms of #2 above. In the way he resembles me in that arena he is basically my clone/mini-me/direct-offspring (never mind that he is not my biological genetic child… in this way he is just like his mama). He appears to (very fortunately) not be recycling my issues related to #1 above (thank goodness). He works really hard all the time at doing the best job he can at pretty much everything he does. And he enjoys to reap the benefits of his hard work and achievements. We are always seeking out ways to reward him appropriately for his superbness so that he knows we notice and value it.

Short Backstory:

• A couple of weeks ago I found out I was winning a big award– the Deming Lewis Award (the one that is noted in II of #2 above). This was a huge deal to me.
• Because of #1 above, it started to send me into a downward spiral of negative emotional energy and angst.
• I quickly realized that was happening and called a fast stop to it (at age 40 I flat out refuse to let it rule me anymore).
• One detail: the award would be presented at Lehigh’s annual Faculty & Staff Appreciation Dinner. I could bring one guest/date for the night.
• I made a big decision– a win-win for everyone!– I would bring Kyle.
• This is an untraditional choice. Award winners typically bring their spouse/partner. But I knew Kyle was the perfect choice.
• By bringing Kyle I could: a) avoid having to get a babysitter because Braydon could stay home with Owen and Meera, b) give Kyle an extra special night out alone with Mama, c) give Kyle the chance to see what winning awards like this in arenas like this are all about. I also wanted him to see that, d) big awards are given in lots of fields/contexts/environments… not just trophies/honors/awards in sports. By bringing Kyle I could also make it as interesting and different and fun for myself as possible (therefore helping to manage my issues related to #1 above).

The Story:

So, last night was the big night. And I think it was probably a Top 10 experience for Kyle. (And definitely a good experience for me, too, which really says a lot given #1 above). We got all dressed up, and we went. Of the 500 people in attendance, Kyle was the only person under age –I’m guessing– 25. Most people were –I’m guessing– over 55. It was unique (to say the least) to have my 8-year-old son as my date. It made what could have been a dull (or anxiety producing) night into an absolutely fabulous night. We had the greatest time.

Kyle enjoyed the experience as only someone new and truly open to such affairs can. He was delighted with the “open bar” (him: lemonade, me: white wine). He was super-impressed with the transformation of Stabler Arena from the home of his favorite basketball team to the venue for this huge awards banquet. He was mesmerized with the catering, the conversation, the cultural experience of being immersed in the world of an elite academic institution for a night (yes, he lives here, but going to an event like that is different). He ate every bite of his haute cuisine dinner (a very fancy salad and a filet mignon entree with all the accouterments). He ate the whipped cream and fresh blackberries from his dessert plate — and mine, and that of the woman sitting on the other side of him (the dessert was a rich dark chocolate cake, and Kyle is not a fan of dessert, let alone chocolate).

He had insisted we bring a camera (something that I would never normally do, given #1 above). He snapped photos the whole night. In fact, in looking through them tonight, I found that he took over 60 photos — including many of me on the stage receiving the award, photos of each page of the program, and several self-portraits. I also took some of him and us. Here’s a sampling:  

It was such a very special evening for my son and for me.

Postscript:

The Deming Lewis Award: “is given annually to one faculty member at Lehigh University. The award honors a faculty member selected by the 10-year class as having most significantly influenced its members’ educational experience. This award was created in 1982 in honor of Deming Lewis’ outstanding service during his tenure as Lehigh’s tenth president.”

I was so very honored and happy to receive it! The class of 2003 were juniors the year I arrived at Lehigh. It was the spring that they were graduating — May 2003 — that I sat at the Faculty and Staff Dinner (one of the only other times I’ve attended it; I went because I was receiving a big award that year for junior faculty), and watched as an esteemed faculty colleague won the Deming Lewis Award. I secretly set the goal for myself right then and there: the Deming Lewis Award was the one award I really wanted to get during my time at Lehigh. To me it meant the most because it was chosen by the alum themselves. It never would have occurred to me that I’d win it precisely 10 years later (the first chance I had since setting the goal). It is a source of great pride for me. To anyone who might be reading this, who might have played a role by voting: THANK YOU! You humble and honor me.

And now, because I’m feeling a lot of anxiety and agitation regarding writing a blog post about my winning an award (note: see #1 above), I will sign off. Thanks for reading y’all!~~~~~

This moment in the season is so short-lived, but so incredibly gorgeous. The campus is in full bloom!

This year Meera has been in pre-school. It is a M-W-F program, so she has been home every Tuesday and Thursday. For the fall semester we had the wonderful Niomi as Meera’s Tuesday-Thursday babysitter (she was mentioned a few times on the blog). This spring semester we’ve had another fabulous babysitter— Cristina.

Cristina has been such a great friend/big-sister/babysitter to Meera. Today was her last day (this is the last week of classes at Lehigh). This morning she sent me the photo collage above. I think it captures so perfectly what a great time these two have had.

One of Meera’s favorite things to do is to go with Cristina to visit her sorority house. Photo below (another photo from Cristina!) is Meera in Cristina’s room:

One day Cristina let Meera try her lipstick (a novelty for Meera since Mommy has no lipstick!). Photo below (yes, another photo from Cristina!) is them on that day:

I hope posts like this one serve to jog the memories of my kids when they are much older.

* * *

Dear Meera,

You were an amazingly happy child. You formed real bonds with special people. They made you so happy, and you made them so happy. As a result, your childhood was overflowing with happiness. That’s really the only good way to describe it. These people are part of the foundation of you. Look at these photos, and know you were loved by so many.

Love, Mommy

* * *

Dear Cristina,

Thank you for being such a wonderful spring semester babysitter for Meera. You never cancelled once! You were never late! You cleaned up the apartment every time Little Miss M made a mess of it! You were a great friend and role model to Meera. Most of all, you made one 4-year-old girl very, very happy (and thus, made her working mommy very, very content). That is invaluable.

Love, Heather

A Little Article on Us Living on Campus:

for link click here

Dana (a Sayre Senior) and Meera. Dana gave Meera the tiara; Meera gave Dana the daffodils

We have made so many good friends all over campus this year. But for sure our Sayre friends are the most special. We simply see them the most, and spend the most time together. We live together. We have a real community going on here. There are certain students we see just about every day, and others we see from time-to-time, and some of those we (especially K, O, and M) have really tight connections with. In moving to campus it truly never occurred to me to think too much about how it was going to be for us to get really close with certain students, and then watch as they move out and/or graduate. It is something I’m now thinking a lot about as we quickly approach the end of the school year and commencement.

To be honest, I’m worried about this.

I know the bambinos are tough, and they’ll be ok. But I also know their hearts will hurt and there will be a lot of emotions wrapped up with the move-out of our neighbors as the semester closes. I’m sure, too, that commencement will take on a whole new meaning this year. These past few beautiful spring days I find myself watching my kids (my children and my students/neighbors) playing together outside at Sayre and I can’t help but think of what is soon to come. This time of year, on a college campus, is not just a time of wrapping things up and final exams, but it is a time of goodbyes too.

When the relationships are real the feelings are real. I know that I will struggle a bit in the days to come, as I watch the Sayre students move out (and the seniors graduate). I know that the bambinos will need to find ways to get their minds and hearts around that too. And I also know that some of these students will feel it in very real ways. It is what we signed up for. But still. That doesn’t make it easy.

Kyle and Owen this morning

Today was Opening Day. The First Game of the Season. The South Side Bandits vs. the Fountain Hill Hoseys.

The newcomers on the team. The youngest on the team. The only non-Hispanic/Latinos on the team. The only non-Spanish-speaking on the team. For the first time in their baseball careers– not the best on the team. Entering a whole new world: Hard Core Baseball.

But…

Just as scrappy as the other South Side boys. Holding their own (mighty well). Heads held high. Catching on quick to the important Spanish phrases (and slurs). Willing to work their tushies off — on, and off, the field. And, lucky for them (and us), gifted with pure raw natural athletic talent. Not the best on the team, but definitely right up there and major contributors. Not to be messed with. Two to be watched.

A few weeks ago we took a chance and they tried out for the 9-10 Year Old Team for our new locale: South Side LIttle League. They took 15 boys. K & O were two of them. After two weeks of practice they cut the team, with no apologies, from 15 to 12. K & O made the cut. They’re hanging in there. And hanging in strong. Today their team won the season opener. The final score was 10 to 9. It was a Nail Biter. We watched as K & O made some big impressions.

So proud of my boys today.