I have about 45 different blog posts, all semi-composed in my mind, all substantial in content, all ready to be posted, but just waiting in the wings of my mind while life whirls ahead zooming and spinning and chugging and speeding at full capacity — making it impossible for me to squeeze in time to actually write them down. I wait for little cracks in the pace, little windows of opportunity to blog. But they don’t come. Time comes— these days Braydon and I have true chances to sit and take a breather (which we do), and we understand the importance of savoring each and every second of that time (which we do), and we know that choices we have made recently have freed us a little bit (which we are grateful for). But, still, the time to blog — I mean, blog for real — just slips by. Which results in me feeling — at times like this — that I’m not even scratching the surface of the “real” that is our life. It would be ok if I felt like I was barely scratching the surface— that I can deal with. But it is when I feel like I’m not even scratching the surface at all that it feels like a lost cause. Now is one of those times.

Why do I blog at all if I can’t even get to the “real” of it? I’m not entirely sure.

All I know is that somehow I feel compelled to try to capture a slice of it— a tiny slice of life— if even only a thin, tiny, skimming the top of the surface, slice— so that I can somehow get it down and have a place to hold it in my grip. Someday, maybe, I (or we?) will have time to sit and read all this and maybe it will help me (or us?) to remember. Remember the sheer intensity of it, the depth of it, the substance of it — even though so often the posts are just gliding over the actual topography.

This is just a quick, catch-up post. I am an eternal optimist, so I’m always hopeful that one of these days I will be able to write in more depth and get down those 45 different blog posts that have much more meaning than this one. In the meantime, I have to do what I can to try to capture the tiny slice above the surface.

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Meera never complains about having to go to all these sporting events. She is such a good little sister to do what she does so graciously.

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Saturday morning Kyle decided to practice his trumpet while sitting outside our dorm/home for all the world to see/hear. Owen sat next to him, and was either: a) lost in deep thought, or b) totally envious that his own instrument — piano — is so much less portable [i.e., draws so much less attention from potential walkers-by].

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We took a long hike in the “Fairy Forest” that is behind our dorm/home. We have 1,800 acres of woods that abut Sayre Park Village. There are hiking and biking trails throughout, and it is unbelievably beautiful and full of nooks and crannies to explore. It is a major gem of a win for us to have this literally right outside our door. Meera is convinced that fairies live there. We go often and look for signs of fairies in the forest. We see many (signs of fairies), and we leave offerings to them (like flowers in the doors of their houses — see photo below), and we see lots of deer too, and we find many treasures (like huge leaves) along the way. Saturday we took a long walk there and it was ridiculously lovely.

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The campus has become our big huge sprawling backyard. There is so much to do. We must be in the honeymoon phase, or something, because even a lazy Saturday afternoon on campus is rich and full and completely enough to entertain all five of us just the right amount. Saturday we saw a bridal party (the bride was in an exquisite, heavy with fabric and gemstones, pale pink gown; the flowers were to die for) entering the chapel for a decadent wedding. We had smoothies for lunch (at the kind of smoothie place you’d find only in a college town; i.e., not a chain smoothie joint). We (more specifically, three of us) played in a fountain. It was all good.

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Sunday Braydon and Owen had their “First Friday” (which we should really re-name, since we’re really not sticking — at all — to it being on Fridays). While Kyle, Meera, and I ran errands, Owen and Braydon had Owen’s favorite meal for lunch: Hibachi (salmon teriyaki) at Kome…

…then they went back to campus for a piano concert by Emi Kagawa, which Braydon is still raving about. Apparently, on their way out of the arts complex, they ran into the Step Team rehearsing. Picture bottom right is of Owen, crouched in the doorway, watching them practice. (Side-note that I don’t want to forget: then, tonight, on campus, on our way back home after dinner in the dining hall, we ran into a few of our favorite members of the Step Team. They came inside with us for a quick visit, and proceed to gift us with an impromptu [thanks to Owen’s urging] private Step Show for us in our very own apartment! This little Step performance was about 3 minutes long, but it made my day [maybe my week?], and it was yet another moment when I was struck by the unique and amazing opportunity that we’ve been given to live the life we are currently living.)

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Also this weekend, the bambinos caught Gangnam Style fever. In a big, big way! They’d watch the video over and over again a trillion times, if we’d let them.

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Tonight was Lehigh’s annual Take Back the Night march. It ended at Sayre Lodge, right outside our front door. The bambinos, of course, were curious as to what the several hundred students were doing out there. We got them ready for bed, got Meera to sleep, and then Braydon and I took turns taking K & O out (in their pjs/bathrobes) to see what was happening. It was a good introduction to some very basic concepts of gender violence, violence against women, and violence-related-trauma.

We intentionally barely scraped the surface, but we did scrape the surface just enough to make us feel good about some early steps on our journey to trying to raise two healthy, whole, mindful, sensitive, caring, conscious, concerned men. There are certain aspects of raising two very big, strong, muscular, self-confident, charismatic, black males that aren’t always easy. Tonight we were grateful for a gathering, right outside our door, that helped us, together, to be more aware and thoughtful of one very tough part of life in this world.

So, there it is. Not even scratching the surface, but it is the best I can do for now.

The Residential Fellows Program is new for Lehigh. Some other colleges and universities have these programs well established, but Lehigh is just starting out. Once Braydon and I had made the decision that we would become Lehigh’s first “Faculty Family in Residence,” the big question became where would we live? We worked in close collaboration with Residence Life staff at Lehigh to determine that the area of campus known as ‘Sayre Park Village’ would be the ideal place for our family. We chose Sayre because of its open green spaces that would allow for our kids to play outside in a relatively safe, quiet, set-to-the-side-of-campus environment.

Sayre includes a community center (called “The Lodge”), and three ‘dorms’ /buildings, each of which houses four floors worth of student apartments. We decided on a 3-bedroom apartment on the second (but ground-floor) floor of the middle building. There were many factors that went into our focusing on this particular apartment (it was slightly larger than many others; it was right next door to the building’s main lounge; it has a beautiful view from the back windows; etc.), but the biggest reason we chose it was because just downstairs from this apartment is a large storage facility that could become ours. Having the storage space in the basement was key! So we went with Sayre House B, Apartment 230.

We spent several months working with an incredible team of Lehigh architects, project planners, Residence Life staff, Residential Services staff, Auxiliary Services, etc. planning to maximize upon the 800-square-foot apartment to become “home” for a faculty family of five. These folks were AMAZING!

As soon as the students moved out in May, the construction crew got right to work. For Braydon and I, it was an incredible experience to be involved in, and then witness, the transformation from an apartment in a student dorm to a beautiful campus home for our family. We were truly blown away by Lehigh’s commitment to this project and the attention-to-detail with which they carried out the renovation.

And here is a bit of the progression from demolition to renovation:

And now it is our Residential Fellow home sweet home for the J-M Family. Here are some ‘After’ Photos:

I have to say: it has been such an amazing experience to be a part of! Now that we have been living here a month, I so appreciate every detail and carefully-thought-through plan. It truly feels spacious to us! We are so thankful for this opportunity. And we are loving living here!

New chapter, new home, new place, new people, new rhythms and routines. Same crazy schedule, same time crunch, same overflowing inbox, same too-much-happening-too-fast. Some things change. Some things stay the same. We are settling in to a new school year. It is bittersweet.

It has been a long time since the boys have played golf. Now that we live on campus, the Lehigh Golf Center is a 3-minute drive from home for us, and that point is not lost on Kyle and Owen… who love hitting golf balls with their Papi… and have loved that for a long, long time. Since moving K & O have been asking almost daily about when they can go to the Lehigh driving range– Kyle, especially, has been fixated on it. It took us a while to get there (the boys have grown so tremendously in the past few months that they had outgrown their golf clubs and we had to buy a new set), but today we finally made it to the Lehigh driving range.

Meera was in on the action too (at least at first)…

But her interest quickly waned and it wasn’t long before she was more interested in watching her brothers than she was in actually hitting balls herself…

…she was pretty quickly done with that too, and on to the sorts of things that interest her much more than hitting golf balls.

(Note: Meera’s disinterest in golf has been long known by us, but her Papi will still forever try valiantly to turn that around).

But the boys in our family? Goodness gracious. They are all about it. They could do this forever.

After awhile I lost track of how many buckets of balls these three hit.

A beautiful September Saturday tailgating and game-watching (sort of!) with Kelly, John, Shalinee, Kavya, and Alex.

Summer 2012: K & O Heading Off to Basketball Camp

We made a conscious point to hold off as long as possible on organized sports for Kyle and Owen — mainly because we knew that once we started, we’d be fully immersed for our entire foreseeable future. We waited until K & O were seven to begin. It felt like a huge deal to hold off for that long. They are both super athletically gifted (we’ve known that for a long time). And they both love sports (that becomes even clearer and clearer as each day goes by). By the time they were seven they were chomping at the bit to begin.

Tomorrow is their first soccer game of their 2nd year of playing soccer for their school team. It feels like the past year has, in many ways, been filled with (maybe even dominated by?) sports for K & O. As we expected, it has become a major part of our family life. Owen and Kyle are definitely driving this ship… but the rest of us are very much on board on this journey.

And now another year of it is officially beginning. I’m not complaining. It is incredibly fun to watch these two play. It brings us lots of joy to see them do so well and have so much fun. I could go on and on and on about how exceptionally gifted and talented Kyle and Owen are at every sport they’ve ever tried, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin to describe it. Suffice it to say: they are really amazing and have great potential. We will see what the future holds.

This post is a photo retrospective of Kyle and Owen’s First Official Year of Organized Sports.

SOCCER: Fall 2011 K & O played for their school team (as the first 1st graders to ever be allowed on the team)

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BASKETBALL: Winter 2011-2012 K & O played for their school team (again, as the first 1st graders to ever be allowed on the team)

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BASEBALL: Spring 2012 K & O played for our local Little League team– the Durham I-8s (Owen won the MVP award for the season as Pitcher, and Kyle led the team in hits)

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SUMMER SOCCER: Summer 2012 Kyle and Owen played in our local youth league (leading their team in an undefeated season)

Meera has a routine of hanging out during her brothers’ games. K & O have a routine of eating cereal after their games (each and every time, regardless of the sport or season, and regardless of how large or small their dinner was prior to the game).

And that’s a wrap! Now… onto Year Two.

There is a sculpture-like trio of fountains that stand outside of the Admissions building at Lehigh. It sits on the edge of campus, along a road that we often drive on as we’re going on-and-off campus. Before we moved to Lehigh, I never really noticed it. But since moving, every time we drive by it Meera points it out. She gets excited to see it each and every time. And she always talks about how seeing it makes her wish she could “play in it,” “run in it,” and “put her hair under it.” I have been waiting for the right opportune moment, when we have the time, on a nice sunny day, to stop along our way and let her live out her wishes.

And for that reason, I’ve been keeping a towel in the back of my car.

This afternoon Meera was delighted when she realized I was turning left into the Admissions driveway. “Oh my gosh! Are we going to the fountains?!” “Yes!” I said. “Oh my gosh Mommy! Thank you!!!” She could not quite believe it as I pulled her out of her carseat and said, “GO FOR IT!!!”

And go for it she did.

It was the perfect way to spend a few minutes on September 11th 2012; a day that was eerily similar — in the crisp blue-ness of the sky, in the feeling of the air, in the temperature and weather — to September 11th 2001. To watch Meera in the fountains was a reminder to — for the millionth time today — count my many blessings. And count my many blessings I did.

I love love love this picture of my mother!

MorMor made it a point to have her and MorFar come visit right away. She had to see our new home. Good thing, because I had to have her see it. So, my parents came for the weekend. It now feels like our True Home — somehow I needed to have them here before I could really feel settled. We had planned for them to stay at a nearby hotel. But at the last minute I caved and couldn’t stand the thought of it, so they stayed with us. All 7 of us in our little dorm apartment for 3 nights. It was good.

I feel so much better now, knowing my parents understand — fully — what this whole endeavor is all about for us. I think they really get it now. I didn’t need their approval, but I sure wanted it. I wanted to know they understood what we’re doing here. Now they do. And I’m so happy about that.

And they always seem to be here for our biggest parties! We hosted an Open House for about 60 faculty, staff, and students on Friday afternoon. Coincidentally, my parents were here to help (they are always such a huge help with our parties!!!). I have zero pictures of it. But it is locked in my memory as a GREAT house-warming party that allowed Lehigh folks from the whole spectrum to get a firsthand glimpse into our new life as a ‘Family in Residence.’ And now that we’ve thrown a party, it really feels like home.

So, between that, and my parents’ visit, I’m beginning to feel really really settled in after this weekend.

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Also, while my parents were here — another coincidence — their God-daughter (I guess she’s my God-Sister??? and the bambinos’ God-Aunt??), Betsey, who is on the UNH Cycling Team, had a mountain biking race at Lehigh. I had known about this, and had planned with Betsey in advance for us to go to her race on Saturday, and then to have her team over for pizza/dinner on Saturday night. With my parents here it was even more fun and Betsey had surely never had such an enthusiastic (and large! all 7 of us!) fan club at one of her races!!!

Turns out Betsey is quite an extraordinary athlete! I had no idea that competitive mountain biking was such a male-dominated sport. Out of the 150 or so racers this weekend, only a handful were women. And Betsey was one of them. I have so much respect for her going for it the way she does! We had so much fun watching and getting to know much more about this sport!

So, we’ve now had a couple gatherings and a visit from my parents. And so now it feels like home.

Yesterday was Meera’s first day of “real school” (i.e., “not daycare”), at United Friends School, with her brothers. These three have been waiting forever to all go to school at the same place. The year has come! Meera will be going to school three days a week. On Tuesdays and Thursdays a fabulous student/babysitter (my first choice pick! who — lucky for us — could fit it into her schedule this semester!) will be hanging out with Meera at home on campus.

A very happy and “super super excited” (her words) Meera started pre-K yesterday. She headed off with her brothers…

…on the school bus (!!!!). She did not bat an eye. She was nothing but smiles from start to finish. She had a great day! She was pure Meera.

(and yay!!! we got a new camera! as you can tell from these photos!)

(and yes! Meera picked out her own back-to-school outfit!)

First Day of School 2012, Owen & Kyle age 8 {don’t they look huge and old?! they wear size 10-12, and I swear they look like they are 10 or 12 too}

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Yesterday was Kyle and Owen’s first day of 2nd Grade.

We are trying separate classes this year. Any twin, or parent of twins, or grandparent of twins, or sibling/friend/relative of twins (!), knows what a big deal this is. I could write about 500 blog posts on the topic of “To Separate or Not To Separate, That Is The Question.” I have read more about this topic, spoken with more people about this topic, and spent more hours awake at night dwelling on this topic, than I’d ever care to admit. The bottom line, it seems, is this: The determination of whether or not to separate, and at what age, really depends on the specific twins, the specific school, and the specific circumstances of the specific situation that any specific individual(s) are in. For a whole host of reasons Braydon and I, and Kyle and Owen’s teacher from 1st Grade, really felt strongly that K & O should try separate classes this year.

It took the entire summer for me to get buy in on this from K & O. They started the summer 100% opposed. Gradually and painstakingly we managed to move ourselves through all the conversations, emotions, and baring-our-souls-in-heart-to-heart-conversations that were required to come through this decision. For Kyle and Owen (and for me, especially in the beginning, I’ll admit), this decision felt like a big huge one. By mid-July Kyle was ready to go for it. It took Owen until 5 days before school started to be fully on board. But then, after a major breakthrough in a soul-searching conversation about the subject of Separate Classes and Twins, over a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and glass of milk at 4am one morning (he was lying awake at night obsessing about it), Owen turned a corner and was fully ready to jump in with both feet. By the time the First Day of School rolled around, both boys were 100% ready to rock second grade in separate classrooms.

For the record– their classrooms are literally right next door to each other (only separated by a thin wall); they have math together everyday; they have recess together; and see each other approximately 100 times per day while at school for various other miscellaneous reasons. [It is not like they’ve moved to separate continents or anything!]

Yesterday morning K & O were nothing but excited for the start of the school year. They each have their very own new (awesome!) teacher. They each have their own classroom of friends. They each have the chance to thrive and to struggle through the ups and downs of whatever 2nd grade will bring, without the burden of the constant looming compare-and-contrast to their twin. And they each get the rare opportunity for a little break from each other for some of their day, 5 days a week, for the next 9 months.

And so, yesterday, we all jumped in to the year headfirst, with both feet, enthusiastically.

The rainy morning did not damper their excitement whatsoever. I got a lump in my throat as I watched these three heading off for the bus– they have been three-little-peas-in-a-tight-tight-little-pod this whole summer. It kind of kills me to see the summer end and see them each go off a little bit their own separate ways. It was time. But still. Mama had some emotions yesterday morning, and mainly they were around the loosening of the togetherness of the threesome.

But, quick as a flash, the bus came and went and we waved goodbye and good luck to K & O (Meera’s first day is Friday).

We waited in anxious anticipation for the dynamic duo to come home after school. They barely said two words to us because they were too busy talking a million-miles-an-hour with each other about their day. From what we were able to overhear, they each had a great day.

In terms of direct communication we got only the following: How was school? “Awesome!” How was it with separate classes? “Awesome!” And that was that. It was, apparently, all just absolutely “Awesome!”

Back home, later in the afternoon, it was time for a movie (they were exhausted, of course). I was working at my computer, but looked over to see this on the couch:

And that is how those two sat for an hour straight, with their other brother on the floor not very far from their feet. Three-little-peas-in-a-tight-tight-little-pod after K & O’s First Day of School 2012.

These two big boys start second grade tomorrow. They are so excited they can hardly stand it.

Tonight we had our annual Back to School Dinner (for past three years, click here). Tradition feels so important right now; I am so glad we had this little yearly ritual to anchor us in the midst of the massive transitions we are going through as we work on settling into life on campus. It was nice today to rely on this tradition. A reminder that back-to-school is still Back to School, and life trucks forward despite change swirling all around it, and MAMA CAN COOK (! even in a tiny kitchen), and some things stay solidly in place regardless of what else is happening. Our traditions and rituals feel like a rock-solid-dependable compass right now as we try to find our bearings navigating new terrain.

~ Menu ~

Pan Seared Steak with Herbed Butter*

Mashed Potatoes

Steamed Green Beans

Assorted Farmstand Tomatoes with Balsamic Drizzle

Ice Cream for Dessert

*This was soooo good!!! I used the Pioneer Woman’s ‘T-Bone Steaks with Hotel Butter’ recipe as a foundation, but changed it quite a bit. I used sirloin strip steaks instead of T-Bones. And for the butter, I used equal parts chopped fresh parsley and basil, and a smaller amount of thinly sliced green onion. So incredibly delicious!!! And importantly… no grill required! (Since moving, I’ve been missing my grill!)

(Adding to the craze and haze of this phase is the fact that our trusty “good camera” went and died on us the day of our move [literally, that day]. So until we replace it, I have only my “snap shot camera” — which is nothing to sneeze at — but still, doesn’t have the artistic edge that our “real” camera had… you’ll notice it in the pictures I’ve been posting.)

We spent our entire Back to School dinner reminiscing about the oh-so-many great times we had during our Summer of 2012. Major highlights were our beach vacation in Charleston, 2 different sessions of basketball camp for the boys, Maggie & Eric’s wedding in Colorado, our annual summer Haiti Reunion, our great summer babysitter Shelby (who I never even got to posting about this summer!), our longest (and best) trip ever to New Hampshire, and our move to campus. Somehow in between all those things we also seemed to spend a lot of time doing what summer is best for: a whole lot of not much. It was a really, really good summer for our family. I feel like we are more tight-knit and well-connected than ever. And we are also all ready for summer to be over.

We are ready to move on. Which means it must really have been a great summer. Because that’s how it should be: it should be so good that it fills up every part that needs filling, so that by the end you are ready to leave it behind and go forward. And that is exactly where we are.

And I know that. For certain. And yet, still, I worry and question and ask Braydon incessantly, “The kids are alright, right? They’re all ok, right? They’re happy and whole and intact, right?” And he says, “Yes.” That’s just part of the territory of mothering, right? To worry?

I worry so much about my kids, trying so hard all the time to do right by them. And this move has really been a challenge for me to listen intently to my kids and to trust what my gut intuition is telling me about my family and to act on it despite what the rest of the world might think (the vast majority of people seem to think we’re absolutely certifiably nutso for making the move that we have made, and many of them tell us so straight to our faces).

My reassurance is that my three most precious ones show the telltale signs of happiness and contentment and wholeness. They are the compass for me way more than any sets of traditions and rituals could ever be. If I listen carefully to what they say or look closely at their faces, I can know if we are on track or not.

Tonight at dinner, while talking all about our summer, I asked Owen what his favorite part of Summer 2012 was. He thought about it for a minute then said, “Moving to Lehigh.” I couldn’t believe it at first (I expected him to say something about boogie-boarding in South Carolina or the Pike’s Peak cog railway in Colorado or waterskiing in New Hampshire), but I quickly realized he was being completely sincere.

My three are so happy to be right where we are. We’ve got great stuff behind us, and a whole lot of great possibility laid out before us. The end of a great summer, and the start of a whole new school year.

We are on track. At least for now.

Major bonus of living on campus = extremely cool experiences with super cool college students.

Yesterday Mackey McKnight came up to our “dorm” and played basketball in the parking lot with Kyle and Owen. I had planned this with Mackey (he’s a student of mine), but waited until lunchtime yesterday to tell K & O of the plans (because I knew they’d be ecstatic and not be able to think about anything else once they knew). The looks on their faces were priceless when I casually said, “So, guys, today at four o’clock Mackey McKnight is going to come up an play basketball with you guys.” Kyle immediately said, “Four o’clock until when?” I said, “Four o’clock until five o’clock.” Kyle let that sink in for a minute and then looked me straight in the face and with the most sincere look ever said, “One hour of paradise!” From that moment on they were counting the minutes until Mackey’s arrival.

I wasn’t there to see it unfold because I had to go teach a grad seminar. But Braydon took some pics.