watching the bambinos play, from the kitchen window
This week — the one between the Christmas holiday and the New Year holiday — is always a heavy-duty-mixed bag for me. For various reasons (and some combination of: 1] not having childcare during this particular week and, 2] me having a career that includes a very flexible work schedule), for every one of my years of mothering I’ve ended up staying home with the bambinos during this week. This is always on the heels of our traditional trip to New Hampshire for Christmas (so I’ve already been with them 24×7 for at least a week going into this week). And that week (the Christmas trip) comes on the heels of several weeks of pre-Christmas craze, the result of which is that I am utterly drained. And yet I set myself with very high expectations — looking forward, all fall long, to this week at home alone with my bambinos. Then it comes, and I am exhausted, and I am all over the map with my emotions. This week is like no other during the year. It is an intense and wild roller-coaster of emotion for me that goes something like this:
- There is absolutely nowhere else in the entire world that I’d rather be right now than with them, doing this.
- Oh.My.God. I’d.Rather.Be.Anywhere.But.Here.
- I love them I love them I love them I love them. Could they be any more adorable? Oh.My.God. I.Love.Them.So.Freaking.Much.
- I’m going to die. I cannot do this. I am going stir crazy. Cabin Fever. Get me outta here. I cannot go on like this.
- I am about to explode I love them so much. I could play with them forever. There’s nothing better than playing checkers with your own kids. Or princesses.
- I cannot believe I’m playing princesses. I hate this. I never did this as a child. Why do I have to do this now? I’ve always hated checkers too.
- They are soooooooo cute. I want to remember this moment forever. I looooooove being a mommy!
- I’ve heard of women who just can’t cope and just walk out and just leave it all. I totally get it.
- I’ve waited all fall for this week, and it is just as awesome as I hoped it would be!!! Even better!
- Oh the food production. They are bottomless pits. I swear. I am SO SICK AND TIRED OF PRODUCING FOOD.
- I love feeding my children. There is nothing better in the world than feeding my kids good healthy food. I am so gratified by being a mother.
- Oh my inbox. My ever-loving-inbox. Is overflowing. Oh the things that are slipping through the cracks. How will I ever catch up??? How? How? How?
- Oh screw the inbox. It does not matter. This –these kids– this is what matters. This is all that matters.
- I could never, ever, ever be a stay at home mother.
- God, I wish I was a stay at home mother.
- I am THE WORST mother on the entire planet.
- I am THE BEST mother on the entire planet.
- How many more hours/minutes until Braydon comes home? He needs to walk in the door RIGHT NOW.
- Braydon is so missing out. He has no idea how much he’s missing out on.
- God, I wish I was Braydon. I’d give anything to go to work right now.
- God, I miss out on so much when I’m at work. I wish I had the guts to quit my job.
- How many more hours until they go to bed? White wine or red? Maybe a cosmo.
- There is absolutely nowhere else in the entire world that I’d rather be right now than with them, doing this.
- Oh.My.God. I’d.Rather.Be.Anywhere.But.Here.
Judge me if you will. But, that’s how it goes. It just goes that way. And somehow, each year, it takes me by surprise. The ups and downs, the highs and lows, the incredible energy and incredible exhaustion of this particular week. By last night I was tearing my hair out, crawling in my own skin, literally counting the hours until the boys went back to school. And yet, this morning, as I packed up their backpacks and kissed them goodbye, I had the hugest lump in my throat, on the verge of tears, in genuine agony over the idea of how many hours it would be until I saw them again.
This week we’ll be trying to get back into our groove after a two week hiatus from all-things-that-resemble-any-kind-of-routine. And while we welcome the return of our rhythm, we also hate to say goodbye to these past two weeks of full-time-togetherness. Yes, we drive each other crazy. But we love each other like crazy cakes too. Mixed emotions x5.
These crazy kids. They drive me nutty. But geesh, do I ever love ’em to pieces~~
After the Christmas food binge, this week always includes a strong desire to eat fresh and clean and get back on track~~
“Sporty clothes” the entire week. Even while pushing their “baby” in the (toy) stroller (and multi-tasking with video making with their new Flip cameras). Even while working on their Christmas Thank You Notes~~
And then there’s Meera. How did I (the sociologist mother) get such gendered children? No, don’t answer that. It is a rhetorical question. While the boys played basketball all week, Meera spent most of the week quietly focused on fine-motor-artistic-endeavors~~
Tomorrow Meera goes back to school (daycare). Which signals the official final end to this week-long-roller-coaster-of-emotion. I’ll get back to work. Things will fall back into place. And then I’ll start daydreaming about when I’ll have a whole week with them again. See?— it is a roller coaster.
Um, in that first picture of the boys.. they look SO OLD. How did that happen?
Also, I think you have perfectly captured the thoughts of a vacation! That is TOTALLY how it goes!
Yep, I am totally in your boat too. Can’t wait to put my kids on the bus in the morning.
And to counter the haters who may comment: I love when you take the gloves off and tell it like it is! More power to you, and to all of us career moms. Thank you.
Oh my word, I usually just lurk here, but I had to say you just described many of my days with my kids. I recently traveled to bring home my second child. A travel mate of mine and mother of 2 asked me what had surprised me the most about being a mom. I told her I felt schizophrenic sometimes because I run back and forth through the whole gammut of emotions with my son every 5 minutes it seems. This post made me smile.
Oh my word. We are the same person.
That dialogue could have been written by me, and now it’s all over I have the same oscillation between loving my adult children and longing for my babies back!
Our neighbor at the beach has three small boys and a husband who travels for work and we spent last night in hysterics discussing writing a ‘things I never thought I’d say to my children novel, i’m sure you’d have some absolute doozys of your own.
Happy new year, Yve
I get you…this week is my week home with my son and we’re on day 2. I have errands to run today and he has homework to catch up on after being away for 4 days sledding with a friend. It’s always a fight to get him to do enough homework in one day, restrain is use of Wii and portable video game players, and try to get him out of pjs and out the door to run errands with me. He is 9 now and old enough to be left alone at home for 1/2 hour to an hour while I run errands, and he is also responsible enough to do his homework while I am gone and only play with his toys or watch tv once the assigned homework for that small period is done. It gets much better as they get older; it depends on how they respond to increased personal responsibility (we started this when he was 8, leaving him for only 15 minutes at a time doing homework).
Just droped my kids of at school. Sitting here with a cup of coffee – missing them like crazy! Those two weeks for me too were wonderful – exhausting but heavenly.
Oh my goodness, although I’m not a mother I feel this, I feel like I’ll be in the same boat down the line. Thank you Heather for putting this out there once again, I hope you only get kind comments in response. I think motherhood is such a hard job (I can’t speak for fatherhood and don’t really want to try to assume it because I’ll never experience that perspective) no matter how a mother chooses to mother she will face her own inner conflicts as well as societal judgement. It’s such a huge responsibility and I imagine so rewarding as well. Hope your first week back at school/work goes well for all!
– Kate
Wow, you are on the mark. I have the same mixed emotions while being off (as a professor too) with my children. Thanks for being honest.
I could have written that post! I know how you feel!
Glad you had a great holiday! Happy New year!
Maybe it’s partly gender but Meera does come from a family of artists, both male (Braydon’s uncle Guy) and female–too many to count. She already shows her aunt Sabrina’s brilliant use of color. And don’t count yourself out.
YES!!! TOTALLY!!
Heather I so get your rollercoaster! I love my son and my neice to pieces but I so get this.. today was their 1st day back too school and I woke up and about jumped out of bed. Even with the -3* weather I wanted them out of the car at school!
I need to start looking for a job and lots housework too do…
Have a beautiful New Year!
Love this, you are a breath of fresh air. Thanks for sharing.
Can I give you a big hug? No judgement here! Just a whole lot of complete and total understanding and gratitude for your willingness to share because I know I needed to know I wasn’t the only mom with the same thoughts.
You made me laugh out loud… After a week of juggling limited child care, no school and my job, I was pondering wether to pour myself a glass of wine or sherry
SPOT ON, Heather, spot on! I felt the same way for several months after I quit my firm to work at home (which has its own challenges), and still quite often two years later, even tho I only have one kiddo and now he’s in kindergarten all day. He’s still out of school until next week and we’re dying over here !
I swear a big part of it is managing my expectations — of myself, and of the experience, which I totally romanticized — as well as trying to fall into some kind of routine. I remember how hard it was when I was working out of the home, wondering when I would ever get a break for myself . . . so much (self-inflicted) pressure to do the working mom thing well then “make up” for all the time missed in those brief times I got to be home. Thanks for continuing to keep it real and speaking the truth of so many!
Oh. My. God. I thought I was the best mother ever. The worst mother ever. The best mother ever. The worst mother ever. It’s amazing how fast the transition can be!! Thanks for sharing.