A Melancholy List of What I Miss

All day I’ve known I was going to write this post tonight, and all day I’ve felt melancholy just knowing it was coming. In the spirit of blogging truthfulness, this post is my Top 10 List of Things I Miss. When we made our move, we did two things at once: radical downsizing and moving onto campus. Each is a lot. Both together is huge. While the pro’s definitely outweigh the con’s, and while I don’t regret our decision at all, and while I’ve never in my life felt more sure that what we’re doing is exactly what we’re supposed to be doing (that is the truth of it), like most things in life, it is a mixed bag — and there is real sadness for me around the things I miss. So, with a lump in my throat as I type this post, here’s my list~~~

TOP TEN THINGS I MISS (in order):

1. I miss my parents being able to live with us for relatively long stretches of time. This is the thing I miss the most. (It is hard not to cry typing this…) This is a raw-open-sore-topic for me that I’ve never blogged about… but, in a nutshell: for years I have desperately wished my parents would move in with us (or at least, move real nearby). Part of our move was spurred by the realization that it just was never going to happen. But having a big spacious guest room, an extra bathroom, and lots of space to spread out in, made them visiting super easy. They could stay over as long as they wanted, they could work out of our home, and it was super comfortable for all of us. We could say, “Come! Anytime! And stay as long as you want! The more you come, the better! The longer you stay, the better!” And it was 100% genuinely truthful. Now, it is not so easy. We can’t accommodate comfortable, long stays for them. And it is the thing that is hardest about our new living situation. It was something we knew would be part of the whole package– we went into it with our eyes wide open, and it was one of the trade-offs, but still, it is really painful for me. I especially miss my mom coming for 5, 7, or 10 day stretches. I deeply appreciated that part of our old house while we had it. And I deeply miss it now. It is still great when they come, but it isn’t the same. And I very much look forward to a time in the future when it can be like that again. Here is a picture of my Dad with the boys, at the “Star of Bethlehem” at the top of South Mountain (the mountain we live on at Lehigh), taken this fall shortly after our move:

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2. Our kitchen table. We got that table right after we got the boys home from Haiti (there is a funny story as to how we got it, but that will have to wait for some other post). In preparing for our move, I did not anticipate how much I’d miss the table. In fact, I’ve been kind of blind-sided by it. It is the only thing on this list that I hadn’t anticipated missing so deeply. I knew I’d miss it, but I thought it would be tolerable. And honestly, it is barely tolerable. Within 24 hours of our move, I knew I desperately missed that table. It was the center of our family life. We ate almost all of our family meals there, we did homework there, we colored and painted and carved pumpkins and decorated Easter eggs there. We talked there. It was the sun of our solar system. We have no space for a table like that now. It is in storage. And I think about it every single day. I am all choked up as I type this. I miss that table so much.

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3. Our swings. Ok, this one is a real tough one for me. For Kyle and Owen’s 2nd birthday we got them a swing set. Braydon and I have vivid memories of sitting in the yard with the boys, watching as the swing set people installed that swing set. It was an awesome swing set, and our kids loved it. Unlike so many kids, ours actually played on that swing set just about every single day of their lives — rain, snow, sleet, hail, winter, spring, summer, fall. Just as Meera began to love it, the boys were sort of starting to outgrow it. Meera was a baby/toddler and is now a 4-year-old-girl who has ALWAYS LOVED SWINGING. When we moved, Meera’s love affair with the swings was in full tilt. It kills me that we had to give that up. Tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about this. Gosh, I miss that swing for Meera (and the boys too), but gosh, I miss that swing for her. And so many good memories for Braydon and me of hours upon hours spent pushing our bambinos on those swings.

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4. The kitties. Those kitties were so loved by our bambinos. I already posted about this, so I won’t say much here. But, man do we miss those kitties. Meera especially. It breaks my heart to know how much she misses having a pet.

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5. My grill. For a long, long time (literally, since I was in middle school), I’ve grilled. I started grilling as a kid because my dad travelled a lot, so my mom would have me take over the grill when he was away. I never did any other cooking growing up (none at all), but the grill was my thing. Over the years, as I’ve come to love cooking, the grill has always remained my favorite form of culinary arts (!)…   I have always grilled a ton, and grilled year-round. My Weber gas grill at our old house — despite the fact that it was on its very last legs (falling apart at the seams) — was one of my most valued possessions. It killed me to give it away. I thought a lot about the fact that I’d have to sacrifice my grill in making this move, and I knew it would be a tough one for me. And it is. I so miss my grill.

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6. The huge kitchen. Well, if you’ve been reading this blog for more than a year, you know about my love affair with cooking. So, you can imagine how much I miss my old [big huge] kitchen. There was space for everything, and everything had space. It made cooking up a storm, being creative, and being spontaneous, super easy. I try to think of this phase of our life as a semi-break from hard-core cooking for me. I still cook a ton, I’m still a little bit creative, and still a tiny bit spontaneous, but it all dulls in comparison to what I was able to do at our old house in that huge kitchen. The new tiny kitchen has forced me to be creative in a whole new way. But man, oh man, do I miss the freedom of that big huge kitchen. Below: a random, but symbolic picture (the drawers I had designated for tupperware — separated by containers and lids — in our old kitchen). I never took that kitchen for granted. Not even for one day. And I sure do miss it now.

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7. The garage. Again, we knew how spoiled we were at our old house, and we knew how much we’d miss it. But, yes, we sure do miss it. Our cars are now parked a short walk away. It makes lugging groceries, etc. a huge annoyance (I use cart that I keep in my car trunk, but still…. ugh!). It also means having to deal with snow and ice removal. And getting wet when walking to the car when it is raining outside. I also miss having the space of the garage for the kids to play in– they could be out there (and they were, often) in the dark, in the snow, in the rain, etc. It was a covered space, ‘outside’ of the house, but still attached.

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8. A mailbox. It is just a little thing. And I try hard to not complain about all these little things… but I’m just being honest here: I miss having our own mailbox. We now have to get our mail at the campus post office. Which isn’t all bad. But I miss the kids running to the end of the driveway to get our mail, or greeting the FedEx driver as he pulled into our driveway, or being able to put something in the mail to be sent off (without a trip to the post office). It is something special about home-ownership: that whole mailbox thing. And I miss it.

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9. The trampoline. I had a love-hate relationship with that thing. I always had a low-level fear pulsing through me, worrying that somebody was going to get paralyzed from some sort of horrible trampoline accident. But at the same time, I loved sending the kids out to jump away their excess energy. And the kids loved the thing. So, I miss it mainly for them (Owen, in particular). They say they don’t really miss it much. But I miss it enough for all of them.

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10. The pool. Anyone who has ever owned an inground pool knows how much of a time and money sink they are. But wow, if you are a pool-loving person, there’s nothing more awesome than having your own beautiful pool right in your backyard. I loved that pool beyond belief. We haven’t had to face the reality of our pool loss yet (because it was starting to be fall when we sold the house), but I anticipate huge pains to come as pool season begins and we don’t have that swimming pool to luxuriate in. It is #10 on this list now, but I fully expect that come June it will move quickly to #1 on all five J-Ms lists of what we miss most.

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There is good and bad in everything. And I try hard to keep everything in perspective. But yes, there have been real sacrifices, negatives, and down-sides in making the decisions that we have.

I also want to point out that this list is perhaps most interesting because of what is not on it. I do not miss all our stuff; I do not miss our huge bedrooms; I do not miss our old neighborhood; I do not miss our privacy; I do not miss home-ownership; I do not miss the huge yard. I do not miss most of what we had. But I do miss some of it.