The weekend before last we had a visit from G’amma, Uncle Guy, and Auntie Sabrina. Sadly, we didn’t have our new camera yet. But we had a good visit. K & O always love visits! And lately they are especially in love with Auntie Sabrina. It was a good weekend!
Also on Friday the 14th we had K & O’s Parent-Teacher Conference at River Valley Waldorf School. I’m not writing this to brag– just to document it for K & O when they are older (if they are ever inclined to read this):
Dear Boys,
Your nursery school teacher, Miss Kathy, loves you. She thinks you are independently two of the most amazing boys ever. She says people are drawn to you and that you are “very special.” And she also loves to watch your twinship. She’s had many sets of twins in the years she’s been teaching, but she says you are extra special twins to watch. She says you two are the “life of the class” and that you have “huge auras in the classroom and on the playground.” She says that all the other children adore you and that you are the natural leaders of the group every single day. When you are absent from school the day is “quiet” and your “absence is so striking to everyone.” She says that you are rarely in trouble. You are very social. You play well with all of the children and exclude no one (your Papi and I are most proud of this). You lead the group in vivid imaginary play… usually related to travel (LOL!). You turn over the table and turn it into an airplane. You get all the kids to “pack their bags” and “get ready for the trip.” You all pile into the upside-down-table-plane, get your seats, and fasten your seat belts. Then you all fly off to distant destinations! Beaches! Desert! Snowy Mountains! It is always glorious and adventurous and exciting! Many of the other children have never actually been on a plane in real life– but in class they are flying off all over the world everyday! 😉 Miss Kathy thinks this is just a wonderful thing you’re doing in class. You eat your snacks and your lunches very well. You love to be outside (she knows you well). You play separately at times during the day but always come back together in between. Often when together you play with another child too, so that there are three of you. Owen likes to play especially with the girls– Stella and Lydia are constant companions. Kyle rotates from friend-to-friend, but Will remains a steady. You enjoy story time and song singing. She thinks you’re way ahead of other kids your age in pretty much every way– except for coloring/drawing (!!!). You still really don’t like to color or draw and your skills show it! Basically, you’re still just scribbling and showing no interest in doing much else. She’s not worried about that though, and neither are we. You’re going to graduate to the mixed-age-kindergarten (ages 4-5-6) for next year. You’ll probably be the youngest kids in your class, but you’ll love it because you really enjoy being with older kids. And Miss Kathy thinks you’ll do just great. Your Papi and I kept waiting for the bad news. But there was none. Your Parent-Teacher Conference was just an hour of listening to how wonderful you boys are!
The Friday before last we had K & O’s first trip to the dentist! They loved it! They hopped right up into the chair– first Kyle, then Owen. They opened wide. They got their teeth checked out and they each got full cleanings. Their favorite part was the dentist’s chair– they thought it was very cool that the chair could be put into all sorts of positions. The dentist let them hold a mirror so that they could watch what she was doing to their teeth– they loved that too. Turns out they have great teeth! No cavities and no problems! Another aspect of their great genes. Another moment in which we give thanks for great birthparents! All in all, a great First Trip to the Dentist! 
Wednesday morning Owen had surgery to repair his umbilical hernia. We have a terrific pediatric surgeon, Dr. Chang — supposedly the best in the area — and we were very confident going into it. The surgery went smoothly and Owen came out of it well. Dr. Chang had told us that Owen’s was the largest umbilical hernia he’d ever seen. We were advised by the nurses after the surgery that Owen’s post-op recovery would be a little rough simply because of the size of his hernia. He has had some up’s and some down’s over the past couple of days, but overall our boy has been such a TROOPER and true to form he rarely complains. He is instead very thrilled with his “innie.” He had been asking us for an “innie belly button” for awhile now, and now he has it. I didn’t realize just how important this was to him until after the surgery. As soon as he could feel that his belly was flat, he was ecstatic– despite the pain he was in. He looks at it 100 times a day and is just absolutely thrilled with what he sees (even though right now there is a thick covering on it so he can’t even actually see the belly button). Since Owen came home from the hospital Kyle too has been wearing a covering over his belly button (in his case a sticker that Owen brought home from the hospital for him). Kyle refuses to take off the sticker until Owen’s bandages can come off. Owen seems pleased with that arrangement. ;0
Having your child go through surgery is never fun or easy. But Braydon and I experienced this surgery with Owen very similarly to how we experienced Kyle’s surgery (to have his adenoids taken out and ear tubes put in) two years ago– we are grateful first and foremost that our kids are as healthy and robust as they are… and secondly, we are profoundly grateful that we live in a part of the world that has such superb health care, and we feel incredibly grateful to be in the position to be able to access that health care for our children. It is hard, in moments like these, to not think of the ‘what if’s’ (i.e., ‘what if they hadn’t gotten out of Haiti?’). On a smaller scale (yet huge nonetheless) we are also truly grateful that my mom was willing and able to come spend much of this week with us. She was a help beyond belief and we seriously don’t know how we would have done this week without her. It has been a rough few days, but our focus has remained on all that we are grateful for. Which is a good way to go into Easter weekend. I’ve been neglecting the blog for the past week, I have lots to post about, and I promise that I’ll get on the ball as soon as Easter is over.
So – after a number of questions about our new camera, this is the story.
We had wanted to “upgrade” for a while, and when bonus season came around and our camera bit the dust, we decided to do it.
I did a lot of online research and we ultimately went with the Nikon D40, with the included kit 18-55mm lens (28-80mm equiv). We also got the Nikon sb-600 flash (but it has not arrived yet). I suspect we’re going to get the 18-200mm lens at a later date to give us more zoom.
It’s easy to use, has an auto setting for Heather, is super light, and way way way way fast. Feels like instant on, instant taking a picture. There feels like no delay from when you click the shutter release to when the picture is taken. This is our first Digital SLR, so it’s new for us to have such quality. Our previous camera (that’s being repaired) is a Canon G7, which is a very good point and shoot – but there are delays when starting and taking pictures. We were ready to upgrade.
Our choice was between the Nikon D60, D80 and the Canon Rebel XTi. If we had wanted to spend twice as much, I would have gotten the D200, but we didn’t. Those cameras have more megapixels than the D40, but since we’re not making poster sized prints, we don’t really need more than 6 (which is what the D40 has), and the D40 has better color and exposure quality than the D60 and D80. Not being a camera expert, that’s what I read in reviews anyway.
I used these two sites to help with the research:
And we bought it at Circuit city. The prices online were comparable, and with no shipping, automatic 10% off on the flash and memory card, it simply came in at the best price. We also got the 2 year extended warranty, since our last 4 cameras have all broken within two years.
We’re loving it so far.
We got a camera! Here are some of Braydon’s first shots with it (K in orange, O in green).
Today we were at Lowe’s to get a couple of things. Owen said he had to go potty– badly, so I left Braydon to look for the item we were looking for, and I took off with the boys to find the bathroom. I was pushing a cart, Owen and Kyle were hanging off of either side of it. Quickly making my way down one long isle I could see two black women up ahead. One was middle age, the other older. They looked like mother and daughter. As I approached them I said, “Excuse me!” so that they’d move out of the way in order for us to pass by. They scooted to the side so that I could forge ahead, quickly through the isle. Just as we were passing by them Owen yells out: “Mommy! Those two ladies are black just like us!!!” I nodded to him and smiled. The two women tried to igore us. Again, now just barely past them, Owen yelled again: “MOMMY!!! THOSE TWO LADIES ARE BLACK! JUST LIKE US!!!!!!!” At this point the older women couldn’t restrain herself any longer. She stepped back into the center of the isle, turned toward our cart, smiled huge, and waved to K & O. The boys smiled hugely back, and waved back to the nice lady, jumping up and down on the cart. I smiled and waved at her too as we made our way toward the bathroom.
It never ceases to amaze me– the stuff these twins of ours come up with!!! When left to their own devices their clever twinship is always awe-inspiring (and very entertaining!). These photos are from a few weeks ago when we were in Florida. The water fountain at a playground we were visiting was impossible for the boys to drink from alone (it was too tall and the button was too hard to press). But as always, when left to figure it out on their own, they quickly found the perfect twinny solution!
The four of us were out to lunch on Sunday. Sitting at the table in the restaurant we were talking about Baby Sister… (Note: right now, with K & O’s understanding of babies growing in women’s bellies and the concept of their birthmother just beginning to take shape, we’ve found through past experiences that it is simply too much information for them to grasp when we try to bring in the additional variable of their birthfather. So, we’re focusing now on the birthmother and women’s roles in reproduction— and yes, obviously, this means that we’re leaving out concepts related to bi-racial and multi-racial identity, etc… just for now. K & O play with kids at school who are bi-racial, and we have bi-racial family friends– so our simplistic focus on birthmothers won’t be a long phase… but for the time-being we’ve decided it is the best strategy for K & O.)
Kyle: My baby sister is going to look just like me. She will look just like me and Owen.
Heather: What do you mean?
K: She will have brown skin like us.
H: You think so?
K: Yes.
H: You know what Kyle? I want to tell you about something. Something important.
K: [Nodding; alert, attentive, and very curious]H: Your baby sister is not going to have brown skin like you. Do you want to know why?
K: Why?
H: Because all people — every every person — has skin the same as the woman whose belly they grew in.
K: [Wide eyed and shocked]H: That’s right! That’s what I want to tell you. Every baby that is born has the color skin of the woman who she is born from.
K: Oh!?
H: Yes, that’s right. So, your baby sister will have skin like mine. Because she is growing in my belly.
K: Oh!
H: And that’s why you and Owen have brown skin– because you grew in your birthmother’s belly– and she had brown skin just like you.
K: Oh!
H: Your birthmother was very beautiful. She had beautiful brown skin. And that’s how you and Owen got your beautiful brown skin.
K: Oh!
H: Do you understand?
K: That’s right! My birthmother had brown skin just like me!
H: Yes!
K: And that’s right!!! My baby sister will have skin just like you!
H: Yes! That’s right!
K: YES! THAT’S RIGHT!!!
~~~
I pick the boys up from school on Wednesdays, but yesterday afternoon I needed to attend a meeting that I could not get out of. I arranged to bring the boys to Lehigh to hang out on campus with some black Lehigh students. One of my favorite students, Jessica, knows Kyle and Owen well. She was going to be the primary person responsible for them for a couple of hours while I was at the meeting. K, O, and I were driving in the car to meet Jessica on campus…
Kyle: I can’t wait to see Jessica. I can’t wait. She has brown skin just like me. And black hair.
Heather: I know! And she can’t wait to see you either! This is going to be so exciting!
K: Yes! And fun!
H: Yes!
K: Who has brown skin like me?
H: What do you mean?
K: Who? Who has brown skin like me?
H: Jessica does.
K: Yes, but who else? Who else has brown skin like me?
H: Many people.
K: How many?
H: Very many.
K: Some or many?
H: Many.
K: Who looks like you Mommy?
H: You mean like my skin?
K: Yes.
H: Many people.
K: How many?
H: Many people. Many people have skin like me, and many people have skin like you.
K: Yes, that’s right! Many people have brown skin like me, and many people have skin like you.
1. Rain Feetby Angela Johnson, illustrated by Rhonda Mitchell —
Kyle and Owen loved this book and often still talk about it when they are puddle jumping (which is often!)
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2. I Make Musicby Eloise Greenfield, illustrated by Jan Spivey Gilchrist —
This is one of the ‘Black Butterfly Board Books’ from Black Butterfly Children’s Books; any in this series could easily make it onto this list!
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3. More More More Said the Baby: 3 Love Stories
words and illustrations by Vera B. Williams —
See the ‘2nd Story’ entitled Little Pumpkin. Little Pumpkin is an adorable black toddler and his grandma is white!
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4. Shake Shake Shake
words and illustrations by Andrea and Brian Pinkney —
K & O’s absolute favorite book for a very long stretch of their early babyhood!
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5. Everywhere Babies
by Susan Meyers, illustrated by Marla Frazee —
H & B’s absolute favorite book for a long stretch of K & O’s babyhood! This book is outstanding because of the multiple forms of diversity it’s illustrations portray. The illustrations include not only racial diversity, but portray men as care givers, older people as care givers, gay and lesbian mommies and daddies, breast feeding and bottle feeding, twins (even a set of black twins!!!), etc.
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6. Good Night Baby
7. Baby Dance
8. a tie: Whistle for Willie and The Snowy Day
9. Bear on a Bike
10. A Mother for Choco
3. More More More Said the Baby: 3 Love Storieswords and illustrations by Vera B. Williams —
See the ‘2nd Story’ entitled Little Pumpkin. Little Pumpkin is an adorable black toddler and his grandma is white!
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4. Shake Shake Shakewords and illustrations by Andrea and Brian Pinkney —
K & O’s absolute favorite book for a very long stretch of their early babyhood!
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5. Everywhere Babiesby Susan Meyers, illustrated by Marla Frazee —
H & B’s absolute favorite book for a long stretch of K & O’s babyhood! This book is outstanding because of the multiple forms of diversity it’s illustrations portray. The illustrations include not only racial diversity, but portray men as care givers, older people as care givers, gay and lesbian mommies and daddies, breast feeding and bottle feeding, twins (even a set of black twins!!!), etc.
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6. Good Night Babyby Cheryl Willis Hudson, illustrated by George Ford —
K & O still know the rhyming words of this book by heart.
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7. Baby Danceby Ann Taylor, illustrated by Marjorie van Heerden —
Totally totally awesome illustrations (the dad appears to have dreds or twists), and… importantly… a book that explicitly portrays black men/dads as loving and involved care-givers.
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8. a tie: Whistle for Willie and The Snowy Daywords and illustrations by Ezra Jack Keats —
Both of these classic Ezra Jack Keats books books are available as board books!
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9. Bear on a Bikeby Stella Blackstone, illustrated by Debbie Harter —
This book is still alive and active on our bookshelf. It continues to be a favorite of K & O even today at age three. Best part: the boy in the book is not only black but appears to have dreadlocks or twists/knots!!! P.S. This book is also awesome for families who like to travel! 😉
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10. A Mother for Chocowords and illustrations by Keiko Kasza —
This classic adoption story book is available as a board book! The illustrations don’t specifically portray blackness, but it is an astoundingly great book ~ a Must Have ~ for any inter-racial adoptive family!!!
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Note: This Top Ten List is limited to Board Books (i.e., those little durable books made specifically for babies/toddlers). Awhile ago I did a Top Ten List of our favorite regular books for young black kids (click here). Since that post several blog readers have asked me for a list of our favorite Board Books (thus this Top Ten Board Book post!)
We have always been highly motivated. This motivation comes from a variety of places, some external forces and some internal. Some sources are more influential than others and some are more comforting influences than others. But whatever the genesis of our motivation, the outcome is the same: we are driven.
This drive is not limited to any one thing, it cuts across everything. And it’s not just driven to succeed in the traditional career sense. It’s driven to be engaged in life fully. To find the daily experience that engages us, propels us and unites us. It is to be unequivocally moving forward, progressing, creating, and improving. To be a life force.
***
When we decided to adopt, we did our paper work, we went through the motions. And then, as many adoptive families have experienced, things came to a griding halt. At the end of 2004 things were bad in Haiti. Not that things are wonderful now, but that period was particularly bad. And we were adopting in the middle of it. Along with many other people. It was winter, and snowing here. It was falling apart.
The advice we received was to wait, to not rock the boat, to let things take their course. It would all pass and get done. But in our mind, each day, each minute, each second, our baby boys were getting older. They were not getting the love and care we could provide, that they needed. They were alive, and relatively healthy as far as orphans in Haiti go, but when your children are waiting, that is no comfort. Each moment was an eternity for us and although the boys didn’t know, those moments slipping away were immeasurably valuable in so many ways.
Right or wrong as you may think, we took matters into our own hands. We called the head of Haitian social services. We called him daily. We called the Department of Homeland security daily. I connected with the DHS director for Latin American (who covers Haiti). We put the welfare of our children above all others. We were warned off by Haitians to not disrupt things, we were warned off by US services to not disrupt things. We pushed harder.
Things were hung up. Our paper work was not ready. Violence was erupting daily on the streets. It was chaos, there were concerns about over all country stability. We couldn’t wait any longer. We bought plane tickets. We would not come home without our babies.
***
We arrived in PaP and Rock, the incredible man running the orphanage and facilitating things on the ground, picked us up at the airport. We could tell he didn’t think much of us coming down here now, without everything complete and with the situation as it was. What did we expect to be able to accomplish. We gave him a wad of money and told him to use it to make things happen.
One day hours passed as we waited sitting in a steaming jeep in downtown PaP waiting for an Haitian ID to be finished. I had Owen in a front carrier, Heather had Kyle. We were all dehydrated and H and I fed the boys dried cheerios. Street vendors carrying their wares on tall sticks walked by hawking things at us. A woman cooked beans and rice in an aluminum pot over a rubber tire fire.
Before the ID was finished, shots rang out next to us. Everyone ducked, scattered; the streets cleared. Rock’s cousin jammed the jeep into drive and sped off, counting all along the way: 10% safe, 20% safe, 50% safe, until we arrived at our UN protected, walled hotel where he said we were 80% safe. We found out we had the ID. Heather and I each drank two rum punches that night, I fell and bruised my bottom.
The next morning, the Haitian paper work was done, but we had to wrangle the US side to get visas. It was the day before Carnival and we were strongly advised by everyone to get out of the country before this particular Carnival. I called to get airline tickets – all flights were 100% booked. But sometimes, you can find the right person. Sometimes that right person hears you, connects with you and moves mountains for you. I found that person and we secured 4 tickets on the day Carnival starts.
We got into the jeep wearing our babies on our chests. The consulate had removed all non-essential personnel and was closing. Our facilitator had given up on getting the visas and told us we would have to wait until next week. We convinced him to head to the consulate anyway. Using his cell phone as we drove into PaP I got someone at the consulate. And then I got the right person who agreed to meet us before he was evacuated.
Our facilitator was clearly amazed. Owen and Kyle were sweating in the morning heat, pressed to our chests.
There were no US Marines at the consulate, only Haitian guards. We waited for a long time. There was a 3 year old Newsweek in the lobby. A Dartmouth grad came out to sign out paper work. We played the name game, it was really weird. We had the visas.
The last stop was Department of Homeland security. We were an hour late for our appointment. They had been sticklers about every detail. Eventually they let us in (there was a line out the door). In an amazing coincidence, the DHS Director for Latin American happened to be visiting Haiti that week. He saw our boys. There was a document still missing. We had the document but it needed something, I can’t even remember what. He looked at us, he looked at the boys, he signed the document. We were ready to go.
Before we left, our facilitator said to us, “you have passion”. That was his explanation for how we accomplished everything in a week. He was astounded.
Some people are highly critical of our decisions on how to go about doing things and how we did it. Some are bitter that we were able to get our kids faster. Some think the way we did it was right. After we came home, a number of communications came out that nobody under any circumstances should call the Haitian social services department. I am sorry if we caused any problems for anyone else.
***
This is how we live our life. Daily. Find the things that really matter.
Do whatever it takes.
This morning Kyle woke up early and was cuddling in bed with Braydon and I. It was just barely dawn when he first got into bed with us, we were dozing in and out of sleep, and it was silent in the house. We laid there like that for about 40 minutes. About 20 minutes into it Kyle broke the silence and said, “Mommy, there is someone else at my school with brown skin just like me.”
It goes without saying that school decisions for families like ours are even more complicated than for most families (and for most families they are complicated enough to begin with). Braydon and I agonize over the research studies on black boys and education, we agonize over the options (or lack thereof) and we agonize over the prospects. It doesn’t help that I know way too much about these subjects given my areas of focus within sociology. River Valley Waldorf School, where the boys are currently attending pre-school, is predominantly white. While it does have a bit of racial and ethnic diversity, K & O definitely stand out. Most of the non-white kids are not as dark-skinned as K & O. There are some Middle Eastern families, a few Asian and Hispanic/Latino folks, and a number of bi-racial (including black-white) kids in the school community. But from what we’ve seen, there is only one other family with skin as dark as, or darker than, K & O’s. The daughter is in the kindergarten class, and although we’ve never met them we’ve seen them at school events and at pick-up and drop-off. I have conscientiously made a point of not pointing the little girl out to K & O. This is unusual for me because I tend to point these sorts of things out to them, casually mention race, and raise our family discussions about race on a very regular basis. But I have purposefully not wanted to do that at their school because I’ve been purposefully waiting for them to bring it up themselves when they are ready. We want their school to be their school — a place that is their own social arena — and so I’ve not wanted to put anything on it that might not be there organically for them. So, this morning’s very poignant statement from Kyle is the first in-road to what will surely be many discussions about race-and/in-school for many years to come. Lying there in bed with the sun rising outside I had that sense (a sense that is somehow becoming familiar) that my boy was telling me something that was very important in that moment. Important in what ways? That is not at all clear. But important. Both important, and important to him. I had been waiting for this moment.
“Yes,” I said, snuggling him closer, “I’ve seen her, she has beautiful brown skin just like you and Owen.” He nodded, his thumb in his mouth, his honey bunny tight up to his face. “What is her name?” he asked. I said, “I don’t know her name. Do you know her name?” And he said, “No.” I said, “Is she in Miss Annie’s class?” He nodded. “Well, next time you see her you should ask her, you can say, ‘What is your name?'” He laid there, still. I said, “Ky Ky, do you want me to ask her for you?” He nodded vigorously. “O.k., I said. That’s our plan. Next time we see her at your school I will ask her what her name is.” “O.k.” he said, satisfied. I said, “I think that girl is so pretty. And Ky Ky, I love your beautiful brown skin. I just love your skin.” He smiled and cuddled closer. And then we all laid there, in the silence, until Owen woke up a while later and we started the day.
The top photo is Owen with our cat Cooper. The bottom photo is Kyle with Braydon. So funny to see these photos now because the babies in the pictures are just little versions of the 3 year olds they are today. Owen still looks at Cooper with that exact same enamored-wild-loving-thrilled look on his face (and Cooper still looks at Owen just as bewildered today as he did then). And Kyle still sits at the piano with that same look of focused-contented-joyful-concentration (and Braydon still finds it irresistibly adorable when his little boy plays piano). I hate it that we are cameraless right now, but I am actually really enjoying the stroll down memory lane that the digging into the photo archives has forced. I wish I had been able to blog back then– honestly, there was absolutely no way we could have (we were sooooo out straight and hanging on by a thread when the boys were that young; it was sooo exhausting)– but I wish I could have written down so many of the details like I do now. It gives me solace to know that the memories are at least blogged about now. Somehow it feels comforting to know that time isn’t just passing us by, but that somehow –instead– we are able to capture at least some (a tiny fraction, sure, but at least it is some) of the moments here and there.
In July we bought a Ford Explorer. Used, but in great condition, not a scratch on it. The boys love it – it’s the “Big Red Truck” for them. They love for me to drive on the grass, to go through big puddles, they love to start it (yes, I give them the keys and let them start it – I know it’s nuts). I love the truck, I have always loved trucks, that’s just the way it is.
K & O also love golf. They love their golf clubs. They love to hit the ball. They love their 5 woods (which is one with a large metal head). They also love to pretend their golf clubs are other things sometimes – a broom, a snow plow, a baseball bat – I am sure there are many others. They sometimes love to slam them on the ground.
The other day, K & O were pretending the golf clubs were the brushes they use at car washes. They decided to wash they truck with these brushes; these brushes that really happen to be golf clubs. They did this on the doors and the rear quarter panels. They did this up and down and side to side. Over and over.
I haven’t taken a picture because I am still trying to not be angry. They did it to be nice – to wash the Big Red Truck. It just happens that golf clubs used as brushes create really big scratches in car paint.
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