Topics: Dreadlocks and Students

Tim & Sarah said… We are in the process of adopting our boy from Haiti. I am just dying to know exactly how you got your boys hair to look so good, from beginning to now. They are the cutest boys, and this is what my husband and I want to do with our son. I am a therapist and my husband is a fire fighter….. What do you all do for a living? If you prefer to email me about the boys hair, my mail is ___. Hope to hear from you soon. Love, Sarah in Indiana!
Sarah— HI! I have to tell you: thank you so much for the compliments about the boys’ hair. As a white mom the hair is a huge, huge deal. HUGE learning curve, and HUGE huge huge HUGE ‘thing’ in the way the black community interacts with us. I’ll take any compliments I can get. So, thank you. :0 In March I did a huge post about the boys’ hair (CLICK HERE FOR THE DREADLOCKS POST) I have been wanting to update that, though—- because since the beginning of this summer we have completely 100% changed our hair routine. We are now almost exclusively using Carol’s Daughter products and man, oh man, oh man! This stuff is awesome. It is expensive, but it is like liquid (or cream!) GOLD. The loc butter is the best. But we love it all (and are using everything at this point — from their shampoos to their hair oils and their hair balm). Can’t say enough about it. Check it out at: http://www.carolsdaughter.com/
Sarah, see answer below – go ahead and email me if you want to talk more about locs.
What we do for a living – I (Heather) = sociology professor. Braydon = currently starting his own business AND working full time as a technology executive for a fortune 50 company.

Michelle said… I have a 10 month old African American daughter who was adopted last October. We are seriously considering locs for our daughter and, like Sarah, we’d love to hear how you started and maintained your sons’ hairstyles. Also — I would love to hear how you are bringing their birthculture into their lives.
Michelle, See answer above re: hair. If you want to talk more about hair, definitely email me—hbj2@lehigh.edu I am happy to talk about the pro’s and con’s of locs for kids. Re: bringing K & O’s birthculture into their lives… it feels (to me) like we can never do enough in this area. It feels like a black hole that can never be really filled… it just seems like I can never feel satisfied with doing enough for them in this way. Anyway—we have lots and lots of Haitian art around our house, including in the boys’ rooms. We also have photographs on the walls and in photo books that are all over the place. We have been pointing this stuff out to the boys on a regular basis since day 1. They know what’s from “Haiti” and will show it to other people who are visiting our home. We also have quite a lot of Haitian and Caribbean music that we play, and a couple kids’ books and coffee table books that we look at and read with them regularly. We travel to the Caribbean once a year in the spring and make a huge deal out of it—that we are “so close to Haiti!” etc. We also try to get the boys together with other Haitian or Haitian-American folks (including kids). Whenever we hear about events in the area – concerts, performances, festivals, etc. we go out of our way to try to attend them. Those are some of the things we do. We’re working hard to do the best we can. But again, I just feel like we are never doing enough.

Marnie said… I love hearing about K and O and so appreciate your perspective on the ephemeral nature of parenting young children. It reminds me to slow down and enjoy every moment. I would love to hear a bit more about hair too- I am debating styles for my son and K and O’s locs are so gorgeous. Did you decide to do it for cultural reasons?
Marnie, thank you so much for the compliment re: “ephemeral nature” – that means so, so, so much to me. Thank you. Re: locs — see two answers above (and go ahead and email me if you want). We decided to do dreadlocks in part for cultural reasons. See the post from March. If you want to discuss this more, be in touch!

Hi Heather!My friends/other students at Lehigh/kids in our past Intro recitations and I have been wondering this for awhile now. People asked ME this question at Lehigh ALL THE TIME! I don’t know why they thought I would know the answer to it!! I WISH I knew the answer, so hopefully, this is my chance to find it out!!The question is: How are you SO energetic and enthusiastic at home, in the classroom, at social events, etc., etc.??? How can you come into the room completely filled with energy when EVERYONE knows how crazy your life is??? Do you sleep?? Do you do drugs?? We all know you drink a LOT of coffee, but is that REALLY ENOUGH??? The only time I have seen you truly look tired was during the adoption process–which I think speaks to the real pain you guys went though…ANYWAY, please answer so we can all figure out how to find this secret energy!!!Miss you SO SO SO much!!!! Lots of love (from Chicago!!)Maggie

Hi Maggie. I love ya! O.k., here goes– I just am SO energetic and enthusiastic at home, in the classroom, at social events, etc. because that is just SO me. That’s just how I am. There is really no hidden secret or anything. The honest truth is that I just have a ton of energy. Always have. I am a naturally energetic person. Sometimes I’m slow and sluggish, but mostly not. I pop out of bed in the morning ready to go on most days. I have a lot to be excited about– my life is awesome and there is so much to it. I don’t have time to be down in the dumps! 😉 My life is crazy, but I do make a point to — as you say — “come into the room completely filled with energy when EVERYONE knows how crazy your life is” (I’m glad you perceive me that way, because I do try to do that for people)… I want people to always feel that I have time for them, that they are important, that I am 100% there, not distracted. My parents sort of taught me that through example. They were always very buys, but always had/have time for every individual (including me), and I think that is incredibly important. Do I sleep??—> yes, but not a lot! I need 6-7 hours consisently, but I can manage on 5. Re: drugs — no I don’t do drugs. This is the truth: I’ve never done drugs. Ever. Never even been seriously tempted. I’m very lucky that way. I have absolutely no desire for it. Yes, I do drink coffee, but not a lot (one cup in the a.m., one cup in the afternoon). And no, that that is REALLY NOT ENOUGH!!! But I try to keep it to 2 cups because otherwise I’m jittery! You are right: the only time you (and most Lehigh people) have seen me truly look tired was during the adoption process — I was very depressed during that time — and yes, you’re right: it speaks to the real pain we went though. Maggie, I miss you SO SO SO much too!!!!

I was curious how the boys did in coming home and going straight into daycare?Plus your opinion on what kinds of things to keep private about my Haitian children’s history. Like I said I am a sharer, but God has been teaching me about biting my tongue lately. And I really enjoyed your blog about this. And know I’m not trying to get you to divulge info to me I am just asking for examples or guidlines to think about. My two children have VERY different backgrounds.I’d appreciate any insight you may have.Thanks, Kristina
Kristina – our boys did absolutely GREAT coming home and going into daycare. They did not go straight, however. I took the spring semester off and they were home with me 24×7 from the time we came home in January through June 1. My university has a great leave policy for adoptive families and I was able to have a fully paid ‘maternity’ leave for that period. I believe the boys really benefited from that bonding we did during that time. Also, we were able to arrange our schedules so that for the first month (June 2005) that the boys were in daycare, they went only part-time (20 hours/week) and I believe this helped ease them into it. Starting July 1 they began full time (40 hours/week). Not many dual-career families can do this, and we feel/felt very fortunate for that.

I have 2 tips for working mamas re: daycare: TIP #1) NEVER LET ‘EM SEE YOU SWEAT — I think the best thing that I/we did to prepare Kyle and Owen for daycare was to be *very* upbeat about it. Even though they were just barely 12 months old when they started we would clap and jump and talk very excitedly about “Daycare!!!” – like it was the best thing in the world! When we’d drive into the daycare parking lot I’d start singing “Daycare! Daycare! Daycare!” and I’d bring them in, happily, cheerily, and hugging the staff (so they’d see me comfortable with them). I worked hard to show zero anxiety on my part. They boys followed my cues. Then, I did what I learned from when I was a camp counselor— I cheerily said goodbye, kissed them quick, and turned and walked out the door. I just know it is soooo much harder on kids if mama lingers (as much as *I* want to linger!). Then, I’d get into the car, drive off, and start crying like a heart-broken-mama!!!!! TIP #2) ALWAYS WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA WHEN YOU HAVE TO DO DAYCARE DROP-OFF.

Re: what to keep quiet… my rule of thumb has been this: If Kyle and Owen don’t know about it yet, then nobody else does either. For us, it is as simple as that. There is stuff that we’re keeping private because we want Kyle and Owen to hear it first… when they are old enough to understand it/comprehend it/handle it. Then, it will be up to them to decide who/what to tell. FYI: We subscribe to a magazine called Adoptive Families. In the current issue they have a short article about exactly this topic. (click here for link to that magazine)

In January I wrote a long post discussing “Things We Did” when we first brought the boys home – click here.

Jaylen Dorio Abella said… Here is what I’ve been dying to know for the longest time about you: As a working mother myself I get tons of grief and hassle (mostly very subtle but very bothersome and hurtfull nonetheless) from SAHMs all the time. Does this happen to you? You never write anything about it I’ve noticed. The most horrid is the “Full Time Mom” phrase– implying that somehow I am a “Part Time Mom”?????? Like because I have a career my mothering is only part time (as if I’m not a mom while I’m at work???)? It makes me absolutely positively livid. But I have yet to figure out how to respond. I just sit there hurt and livid with nothing to say in response. How do you cope with this kind of thing? I need a clever brilliant response. Hope this comment isn’t too long. From one working mama committed to my work AND my family, to another- (oh, and I love your blog!!!) Jaylen Abella in upstate NY
Hi there Jaylen. I feel your pain. I really do. I do get a lot of ‘grief and hassle’ as you say. Everyday I feel that. Every day. It is very hard. And there is no way to escape it. And it is very isolating. Most of my friends are SAHMs. Most of my work colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. In my neighborhood I am one of only a couple working mothers. I am literally surrounded by SAHMs and they constantly do things (I’m sure mostly unintended) that really hurt my feelings. Mostly, though, my problem is that I just feel left out. I know you can’t have your cake and eat it too — but it is really hard for me (as someone who is social and likes to have friends) to not be a ‘part’ of their groups/playgroups/cliques. I understand it, obvsiously (I’m just not around during the day to hang out with them, and we just don’t have a lot in common), but it is *hard*. I too HATE (hate hate hate) the phrase “full time mom” and it makes my skin crawl when I hear it! I try to ignore it! In all honesty, I don’t have a good way to deal with this. Mostly I just come home, vent it all to Braydon at the end of the day, and tell him to pour me a glass of wine (or— if it has been a really tough day, tell him to make me a martini!!!) ;0 I have no clever brilliant response. Mostly, I’ve just been realizing, how important it is to build comraderie with other working mothers… particularly (in my case) mothers with careers. For me, it has been amazing to be able to connect (via this blog actually!!!) with a couple of other career-moms-with-adopted-twins! Whoa!!!— that’s been great! My only saving grace is that I totally 100% believe that what I’m doing is right for me and for my family. Braydon and I are truly committed to having an egalitarian relationship. Braydon and I are DEVOTED and DEDICATED to truly co-parenting our children to the maximum degree possible… and I fully believe that in the end K & O will be amazing men, in part because of what we’re doing. I love it that they have a powerful, self-confident, self-sufficient high-achieving WOMAN as a mother/role-model. I know that will inform their relationships far into the future – especially with women. What keeps me going when the times are rough (and gosh, aren’t they sometimes so rough???!!!) is that I do have a handful of friends who totally believe in me and totally agree with the mother-with-career way-of-being. I turn to those friends when I need to— I don’t do it very often, but it saves me to know that I can. Keep on keepin’ on Jaylen. And remember: Radical Families Shift The Horizon!

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said… 1. What made you decide to adopt from Haiti? 2. How did you and Braydon meet? 3. Will you adopt more children? 4. Where is your next big adventure? 5. What haven’t you done yet?
Hi Rony!!! I think Braydon is planning to answer question #1. #2 & #3 have already been answered. #4: Not sure where our next big adventure will be. Honestly. Right now nothing big in the works. Although, hopefully on the horizon will be a big twin-fest-adventure with you and Cindy et. al.!!! Braydon and I are going to the Dominican Republic in October, but that is minus-the-boys. 😉 A few places I/we want to go with the boys before they are 12— Africa, back to Haiti, Costa Rica, the Grenadines, Anegada #5: What haven’t we done yet? OMG!!! Soooooo much!!! I don’t even know where to start! I feel like I’ve done so little. I’m not saying that to be flippant. I’m completely sincere: I feel like life is just waaaay too short and the things I/we want to do require waaaaaaaay too much money. We’re always just trying to live it up and live life to the fullest and experience/enjoy/immerse in the moment. There is always soooo much left to do. I know you know what I mean Rony. xoxo

Troy & Tara Livesay said… Do you plan to tell your boys a lot about their birth families – do you know much about them? And If you stay a college prof. can the boys go to your university for free? andif you were to take a WILD guess about what your kids would be/do when they grow up — what would you guess.
Hi Tara!!! We do plan to tell Kyle and Owen about their birth family. We do know a little bit about them that we are keeping private until they are old enough to comprehend. We don’t know what age that will be, but we plan to take it as it comes and share their information with them when we feel they are ready. We have faith that we’ll know when the time is right. If I stay a prof then it depends what university I’m at when the boys hit college age. Right now my university would give them a huge discount – but not free. It just depends where you are. Wild guess re: what they’ll be when they grow up —- eeks! (I think this was truly the hardest question we got — in all honesty – for me this is such a hard question)… um… Kyle: Poet or Romance Novelist (with a mostly female audience) /// Owen: Olympic Diver and/or Swimmer.

Laura said… as a mother of twins, do you find yourself more attached to or relating better to one boy over the other? and if so, what do you do to address this?

Hi Laura. When we first got the boys I spent the majority of the first couple of weeks with Kyle, and Braydon with Owen. That was mainly because Owen strongly preferred Braydon. And we have since noticed that Owen always prefers men. Because of that I ended up really bonding with Kyle and Braydon with Owen. After the first couple of weeks we conscientiously started spending more and more time with the ‘other’ boy because we didn’t want it to get too unbalanced. Eventually, over about the first couple of months, it evened out. I’d say that now I’m equally attached to both of them. But I can relate a lot better to Owen. Interestingly Braydon can relate a lot better to Kyle. Interesting, huh? Anyway, I wouldn’t say it is a problem, it just is what it is. I think Owen is a lot like me, I am a lot like him. Strangely so. Kyle is a lot like Braydon, Braydon is a lot like Kyle. Strangely so. Sometimes we laugh about it – “OMG! Kyle is soooooooo Braydon’s son!!!” etc… but mostly we’re just amazed by it. It really calls into question the whole nature-vs. nurture debate. To “address” it we each make a point to spend one-on-one time with each boy separately. But we’ve never had a ‘problem’ with feeling like one is ‘favored’ over the other, gets better/worse treatment than the other. I’m sure it is quite similar to any mother of twins or siblings. But I guess I don’t really know.

Gail (Braydon’s Mother) said… I’d like to know whether you’ve considered turning some of the blog into a book. Lots of possible subjects of course, but it would be especially interesting to follow the boys’ increasing awareness of color at a very early age and their wonderful positive feeling about being black. Gail

Hi Gail! No, we haven’t considered turning the blog into a book. I have too much on my hands already with my academic publishing!!! LOL!!! The blog is for fun and I don’t really think we’ll ever do more with it than what it is. Sorry to disappoint!

Anonymous said… Love the blog! I don’t know how you do it. You really do it and make it seem possible. I read because it is an inspiration. I know they say that we (women) can do it all (i.e., career and family) but sometimes that is hard to ACTUALLY believe/know. Sometimes it takes seeing it. Even though I’m not seeing it for real, I get to see it online through your blog every day. thank you for that. My only question is HOW do you do it???

Well, I feel like we barely are doing it. But check out the previous Open Book Answers posts because I’ve tried to write about this there. Thank you for your comment. I feel like it is really, really hard to ‘do it all’ and those of us out there desperately trying to make it work really need to stick together. Thanks for your words. love, Heather

Here are some more Q&A from the open book challenge!

Siri said…
Hello Johnson-McCormick Family and greetings from a blast-from-your-past Colby classmate. Been a lurker for quite some time (am addicted to your blog) and figured it was time to step up. Two questions about adoption (although both related):1. What do you know now that you wish you knew when you started the adoption process?2. What is the one piece of advice you would give those considering adoption?Boring questions, I know. But ones of particular interest…Thanks for such an honest and inspiring blog. Your boys are absolutely precious (and hysterical).Siri

Hi Sirichka – really wonderful to hear from you – would love to connect offline and catch up! Here are the answers:

The one big thing I wish we knew when we started to adopt (some people will disagree with this, but it’s my opinion): The kids you adopt are your kids, they are not someone else’s kids. There’s nobody going to go to bat for them – other than you. Go to bat for them, go early and hit hard. They need an advocate to get through the adoption and you are it. Do what ever it takes to bring them home as soon as possible. And that does not mean waiting for someone else to take care of things.

I guess that is also my advice, but the other thing I would recommend is connecting with people who are also adopting – from wherever you are adopting. People in the same shoes are an incredible resource and lift you up when you are low. Think of it in biological baby terms: you wouldn’t not go to the doctor or your mother(figure) for support, right? Don’t skip out on the adoption community – they are simply amazing.

Cindy from central NC said…
Question: Why do you think that we, as Working Moms (and esp as Working IA Moms who have most likely waited–and gone through hell and back waiting–for a family) get a decent amount of pressure from the “non-working-full-time” front? And it’s not just SAHMs but just people in general. Maybe a better way to ask the question is why do we (as confident know-I-should-be-working-Moms) allow ourselves to feel defensive over it? What’s up with that? How do you feel about that? And then…then…put that whole DayCare taboo blogging thing on top of it cause it’s all related…

Hi Cindy: Clearly I am not a working mom, but I know, love and support one who struggles everyday. Any by struggles, I mean she constantly feels guilty, she constantly feels criticized, and she constantly stands up for her self (which is hard and tiring to do).

Without getting to philosophical/cultural/political, I firmly believe these things that she feels are external social pressures she has internalized. In a rather immediate and simple example, when you watch the Today show and the working women there (how ironic is that) are sending the message that women should stay home; and 15 million women are watching, absorbing and repeating that message, how can you not feel defensive? I mean – sheesh – you’ve got so much of the world telling you it’s wrong. I’m a pretty tough guy when it comes to believing in what I do, but frankly I am not sure I am tough as the working mothers out there who put up with the daily constant barrage of negative messages telling them to stay home.

As for daycare, there is definitely a taboo: “giving your child to someone else to raise” is one of those common phrases people use – the language is antagonistic around it, and people perceive it negatively. And that’s really sad, because for people who work and don’t have extended family to take care of their kids, it’s a necessity. So – I would ask, instead of just creating additional angst for anyone relying on others to help care for their children, why not help us make it better?

Of course that begs the whole “work is a choice” thing – which by the way – as a man – not only is it not really a choice, nobody would ever say that to me (“Braydon – why don’t you stay home with the kids?”). I am not going to get into work as a choice here – I just think that using that way of thinking as a means to keep women staying at home is ultimately derogatory to the work women do.

I currently have 8 women working for me and I at MetLife I work for an astounding woman. The work these women do is a tremendous contribution, As both an employer and an employee, I would have it no other way.

Quick note to stay at home mothers: I am sure you get messages of guilt that you should work and that staying home is bad. I am not commenting on that one way or the other, nor commenting on actually staying home and I am criticizing staying home. I just know what Heather goes through and the women I work with go through, and I firmly, unequivocally and resolutely support her and them, encourage and defend them as a working – and awesome – mothers.

So – in short – Heather feels it too. Everyday, every minute, every hour. She finds friends who are like minded and support her. In the face of intense pressure, she recommits everyday to being a strong, powerful, contributing working woman. You don’t need me to tell you it’s hard, but I definitely acknowledge it.

The Fry Family said… from Kristie–
What drew you to Haiti?

Hi Fry Family! We actually often say – as many people do – that Haiti chose us. As we looked for from which to adopt, we had some things we knew: we wanted to adopt black kids; we wanted to adopt internationally; we wanted to adopt from a place that had tremendous need. Of course there are many places that fit that bill – and we did look at Africa. But when there are 1.5 million orphans less than 1,000 miles from Disney World, the choice became obvious. And after Haiti picked us, it got under our skin. After getting out boys, it has stayed under our skin.

As far as I know – our experience is very similar to other people who are involved in Haiti in some way.

I have a bio daughter and we are still trying to decide how we are going to complete our family (choices: are we done? or where will we adopt from?) My question is: how do you decide what information is too personal to share? Do you keep everything that you know that happened before you adopted your kids just for O&K to know? We are having this conversation in our fanily right now.Of course, if the question is too personal, just delete! Thanks for a great blog, Alejandra

Hi Alejandra – glad you like the blog – it’s become a large part of our lives! Ok – here’s the answer:

Like any photo album, our blog is a story that we tell about our lives. It’s a construct, and it’s really only part of the story. While it often feels like it’s the whole story, there is soooooo much left out. We rarely talk about our work (other than that we do work and our schedules), we almost never talk politics (other than working/non-working and adoption), we never post about our families, we never talk about our personal history.

We decided early on that many things were not going on the blog and that some things were off limits in general. For the blog that list is longer than in person, but that’s the nature of a blog (and you can see some of that list above). In terms of what we don’t share at all, with anyone (other than the boys), here is it:

Information about the boys’ birth parents; many details about their life in the orphanage; some details about their adoption.

There is no general rule we follow, we take it on a case by case example. The only litmus test for a topic is – would this be something the boys would rather communicate than us.

Anonymous said…
You seem pretty experienced; pretty fun-loving; pretty capable. But…how would you handle the situation if you came home to find your 12 year old K & O on the computer…wearing only their underwear…playing poker???Guess Who

Hi Guess Who: This is a tough one. I would say that we have a certain friend who is a State Trooper who would love to deal with that one directly; since he claims to know about that kind of thing. 😉

Anonymous said…
I too have an “active” 3 year old boy. Not clinically hyperactive or ADHD, etc., but very very “active” just like yours. That’s why I like to look at your blog. Honestly, I cant even imagine having two of them (the exact same age????!!!!!! OMG). My question is if you could do one of your top 10 lists on activities or ideas or TIPS for how to handle very active little boys. You seem to have a lot of ideas. I don’t know how you come up with all of them. But what are your favorite tips up your sleeve???

Hi – Frankly Heather is a ton better than I am at coming up with stuff. But here is the biggest tip I can think of: Go outside as much as possible. Get them running around. Playgrounds are best. Rainy days are very hard. Jumping on the bed is good.

Heather has also implemented “Ten Deep Breaths”. Often the boys will get waaay revved up. To calm them down, we sit on the floor and do this funny yoga-esque (neither of us do yoga – so it’s really funny): Sit cross legged; put your arms out to the side; take a long deep breath and bring your hands together, palms together; breath out slowly and move your arms back out to the side. Do this ten times. 9/10 times this works like a charm to calm them down.

Plan things in advance and communicate with them the details of the plan. I know for us they do a lot better when they know the plan in detail. Even if it’s “we’re having breakfast, then we’re going outside to play. We will get the mail, then we will run around the house five times. Then we will come inside and play a game. Then we will have lunch, then we will go to the park. If you are very good and behave, then after the park we can get ice cream” [yes, to the chagrin of many, we’ve learned to bribe].

Anonymous said…
Have been reading for a long time. Love your blog. Our famiy is addicted to your blog. Read it every day. Our question is what does Braydon do for work? Also, can he post more videos? His videos are our favorite. thanks.From The Jacksons in Newbury California

Hi Jackson family! For work I am a technology executive. At the moment I run a technology team at MetLife that designs and controls how software development is done for the $300 million Institutional Technology software practice. I am also building an internet startup company that is making an online social networking and music service. You can check it out at http://www.rvibe.com/.

I’m working on the videos! I just got Adobe Premiere Elements. You can get it bundled with Adobe Photoshop Elements for $149. It’s not as full featured as premiere, but it’s really enough for me. Now that I have it, I can get back going on more videos, more quickly!

Anonymous said…
Hello. Our question is: do you ever feel famous? Because of your blog? Like- does anyone ever come up to you in public and recognize you, etc.? To us you are like celebrities!!! We’d be more excited to see you in an airport or restaurant than we would be to see Paris Hilton!! Does anyone ever recognize you? Thanks for the great blog, the Brown Family in North Dakota

Hi Brown family- thanks for reading! It’s funny you ask that – we wonder the same thing about the Livesays. No, we don’t feel famous, but I can see what you mean! And while I don’t think anyone recognizes us from our blog, our family is unusual enough looking that we certainly get many, many stares. And sometimes it feels like the paparazzi are all over us, when random strangers start blatantly taking our pictures. When that happens, Heather has taken to walking up to them, handing them her business card and asking them to send us the good shots. No body has sent anything yet.

Anonymous said…
Why did you adopt? Also, why did you want twins? Did you have a choice for boys or girls? If yes, why boys?

Hi – we always knew we would adopt. In fact we never actually tried to get pregnant, and don’t know if we could. We also always knew we wanted to adopt multiple kids – we just were NOT expecting twins. But then again, anyone with twins – do you ever?!?!? It was a total shock, and now we couldn’t be happier that it worked out that way (even if it’s challenging).

As for boys versus girls: we wanted the youngest children possible; period. Since there is typically greater demand for girls than boys, we figured that meant that we would get boys, but we did not specifically pick boys. We just got very lucky we got K & O.

Anonymous said…
HOW DID YOU CHOOSE THEIR NAMES TO BE KYLE AND OWEN?

Hi – When we chose their names our thinking went something like this:

1. Twin Haitian boys adopted by white US family
2. Over achieving, crazy active parents who do tons of stuff
3. Last name Johnson-McCormick (try growing up with that)
4. Black boys in the USA
5. First names need to be very simple, strong, and confident without being overbearing, confusing or strange.

Oh, and when we said “Kyle” and “Owen” out loud, the names just clicked, which probably had more to do with it than anything else.

Jen S said… Questions: 1. What specific things do you do, or purposely don’t do, to foster K&O’s relationship as brothers? 2. When you decided that the boys should have their own rooms, how did you decide to move Owen and have Kyle stay rather than have Kyle move and Owen stay? xo jen

Hi girlfriend!! FYI to all: Jen is my college roommate! And to this day she is one of my best friends in the whole wide world, even though we live on opposite sides of the country. O.k., Jen…

1) Gads!!! What a tough question! Of course you’d ask that! LOL!!! Well, first and foremost, we don’t ‘push’ it… I want them to be able to celebrate and enjoy being siblings – and twins – but not feel pressure to be best friends. I think that is most important in my mind. I’ve always been fascinated with siblings who are very close in adulthood and I’ve always tried (whenever possible) to ask their parents what they did to foster that. The parents always say the same thing to me: “We didn’t!” They say that they did not force it or put pressure on their kids to be close. They also say they never expected it of them. So—I’m trying to follow that lead. I hope K & O will have a healthy relationship as brothers, but I don’t expect them to. We do try to tell them that ‘brothers are special’, etc. – if they fight bad sometimes I’ll say, “Remember boys—Brothers for life!!!” and I often make them hug to make- up. Mostly, though, I try to let them fend for themselves in terms of their relationship. From my perspective, they have an awesome relationship. They can fight like cats and dogs, but they also have a ton of empathy and compassion for each other – and they can each make the other laugh like no one else on earth can! I think that’s good so I’m trying to just be as hands-off as humanly possible (for a mother!), and let them do their own thing as far as their own relationship is concerned. It is so interesting to watch them, though, and I’m sure you and I could have hours and hours and hours of conversation about this topic!!! (and man, do I wish we could!!!). Just last night, actually, at the dinner table, they both started to tell Braydon and I about a time recently when we separated them in a new environment (we had been to a church and taken them each out separately from the Sunday School – so that each was in there alone without the other for a period of time). They were going on and on to us about how they did not like that, how we should not have done that, how they don’t want us to do that again, etc. They “don’t want to be alone — only with brother.” They asked us repeatedly, “DO YOU UNDERSTAND???” and needed us to assure them over and over that we would not separate them like that again. So, this is just to say – it is always fascinating… and also, they seem to let us know, quite a bit, what they need regarding their relationship.
2) About their rooms… We moved Owen for multiple reasons. His “new” room is right next door to Braydon and I’s room – and Owen wakes up in the night about 20 times for every 1 time that Kyle wakes up! So, partly, it was just plain pragmatic. Also, Owen is *very* active in his sleep – he is ALL over the place, rolling around the entire bed, etc… Kyle basically lays in one position the entire night! We new the “new” room would have a double bed in it and the “old” room would have a single bed. Owen clearly needed the big bed a lot more than Kyle! Also, before we separated their bedrooms we were having major problems getting them to go to sleep in the same room (basically, they couldn’t avoid the temptation of talking/playing together in one room). So, we’d always end up taking one boy out to the guest room to let them both fall asleep on their own, then we would move the guest-room-boy back to their room. Kyle HATED being put in the guest room. He’d cry. Owen, however, loved it. He’d often actually ASK to be moved in there!!??!!!!! The “new” room was actually the old guest room, so it only made sense for Owen to be the one to move in there. So, those are the reasons. We felt bad for Kyle, though, because Owen got the “new” room with the “new” things in it… the guilt led me to buy Kyle his Big Elmo (click here) LOL!!!!!!! But in truth neither Kyle or Owen ever seemed phased in the least bit about the big move to separate rooms. And it has made our bedtime ‘situation’ soooooooooooooooooooooo much better!!!!!!!

Owen asleep in his bed the other night

BSC said… Our family is waiting for a referral of a sibling group from Haiti. I don’t have a question but I’m looking forward to your answers to all of the other questions. By the way, we just drove on 78 to take our son to his first year of university in VA. We joked about stopping off to visit your family. You feel like the kind of family one could just drop in on. Beth in Nova Scotia Beth— OMG, you should have contacted us!!! Yes, we are the kind of family you could do that with— and we *especially* love getting together with other Haitian adoptive families! Next time!!! OK?

Corey said… Question from the Waters Family:When can we get together in September?
Corey – email me so we can set a September date! Xo hbj

Anonymous said… if you adopt again, would it be a boy or girl and would you try another place to adopt from, like Brad & Angie?

I already answered this in previous answers— but if we adopted again, it would be domestic… and probably a girl.

Anonymous said… Hi. I love reading your blog, I am a mom of 2 girls (18 months apart); we live in San Juan, PR and I have no questions. I am actually a college counselor here and visited Lehigh last year… it’s a small world. I also love Virgin Gorda….bye. Lucia

Ah! Lucia!—wish we could have met up when you were visiting Lehigh!!!! And yes! Yes! Yes! To Virgin Gorda! We LOVE it! Cannot wait to go back there!!!!!!!

Jen said… My question relates to this—do you think you’ll take your boys back to Haiti to visit someday?

Jen, YES! We definitely plan to take Kyle and Owen back to Haiti. We imagine we’ll make more than one family trip back over the coming years. Right now we still feel they are too young to understand and appreciate it. But we are waiting for the timing to be right (not sure when that will be but we feel like we’ll know it when it is upon us), and we will definitely bring them back – at least a couple of times.

LaLa said… I was going to ask what a couple of others have…are you thinking of adopting again and if so, from where?
Already answered!

Anonymous said… Caught this invite just on time!!!First of all, really enjoyed your blog.My first question is whether you are considering adopting another child and if so, in Haiti? The four of you seem so “whole” as a family that I can’t picture another member, but I’m just a reader. My next question is very trivial. The boys have very cute clothes; care to share where you shop?
Hi! I’ve already answered about having a third child. RE: the clothes— I love dressing them! And to this day they don’t care one tiny bit what they wear, so it is super fun for me! LOL! I can dress ‘em however I want! Favorite shopping places for K & O’s clothes (in order of my/our preference): t-shirts on-line from Cafe Press, Gap Outlet, Hanna Andersson, LL Bean, Osh Kosh, Mini Boden. We buy shoes from a specialty kids’ shoe place called Olly.

Anonymous said… THEIR OUTFITS ARE ALWAYS SO VERY CUTE. MY QEUESTION IS WHERE DO YOU BUY THE CUTE CLOTHES AND SHOES, ETC ETC ETC FOR THEM? SO CUTE! PEACE, JENNA G.

Hi Jenna, see above about clothes & shoes!

This Post’s Questions — Haiti & Hernias & Heck-Who-Knows?!!!!

ManyBlessings said… Do you ever consider going back to Haiti for another adoption? Or are your boys the completion of your family? Does one of your little guys have an umbilical hernia (the nurse in me has wondered for awhile)?

Hello ManyBlessings! We do consider going back to Haiti for another adoption. When we went to get Kyle and Owen at the orphanage Braydon and I each had about 30 beautiful children hanging onto every single inch of us, and longingly looking up into our eyes saying “Mama? Papi?” Taking only two felt selfish, like we should be doing more, and we wanted to each bring home about 10 kids from that place — it would be hard to not consider adopting more after an experience like that. However, we don’t think we will adopt from Haiti again. Mainly this is because we both (Braydon and Heather) feel very very strongly that if we have a third child we want to have it from the time it is newborn. It is very hard for me to write that even now – because I feel so selfish about that. There are so many children who need to be adopted (in Haiti and everywhere), and so it feels so self-centered for me to say ‘no’ to that. But here’s the real deal: When we were planning and doing Kyle & Owen’s adoptions, I didn’t think I would feel the way I do about this — so this has been surprising for me — but I deeply deeply long for a newborn baby. I see tiny newborns and want to weep (still— and it has been 2.5 years since we brough K & O home!) It is hard (impossible?) to explain, but I feel the loss of not having had Kyle and Owen from the time they were born. In some ways I feel that I can relate (just a teeny tiny bit) to what it must be like to be ‘infertile’ (I HATE that phrase), i.e., unable to birth a child. I feel like I really missed out on something (not to mention what Kyle and Owen missed out on) by not having my babies from the start. We are unsure as to whether our boys are the completion of our family. We had always wanted three children, and had always hoped/planned to have one biological child. I/We have never tried to get pregnant so we don’t know if we’re able. But right now we’re considering having a third child, and if we do it we will probably be via the bio. route. If we decide we are committed to a third child, but we don’t go the bio. route (either by choice or because we find after trying that we can’t get pregnant), then we have already decided that we will adopt a newborn domestically. The honest truth of it is that we are so maxed out right now (in terms of our crazy fast paced lifestyle mainly due to the fact that we both have serious careers) that it feels crazy to even be considering adding a third child to the mix. Our thoughts and our feelings don’t line up on this. We think that it is totally ridiculous to even consider a third child. But… for some reason (some things in life are impossible to explain – right? – well, this is one of them), Braydon and I both feel that we want a third. I could actually see K & O going either way on this. I think they’d be happy to stay just a duo. But I also think they’d be happy to become a trio. They say they want a baby (they have been expressing that to us for months and months and months). But they are still too little –they totally don’t get it what the implications of that would be!!! So… we will see. We go back and forth on it every day. We will see, we will see, we will see.

Re: umbilical hernia — I have always found it interesting that no one has previously asked/commented about it. I don’t try to hide it, so it is always noticeable to me that people don’t ask about it (probably the “hush hush” something *different* mentality, but I probably shouldn’t assume that). Anyway, it is interesting about the belly buttons—-Kyle and Owen had pretty severely distended bellies when we first got them (due to malnourishment). They also both had herniated belly buttons — the “haitian belly buttons” as “Malia’s Mama” calls them. Our pediatrician here is an adoption specialist and had already explained everything to us, so we were not surprised to see it when we got them, but still — K & O’s were soooo severe that it was kind of hard to look at. The distended bellies due to malnutrition pushed through the hernias and made their belly buttons even HUGER than usual in Haiti. Check out the above photo. Owen is the one closest in the photo. You can see how severe his umbilical hernia is. Kyle’s, actually, was even worse than Owens (if you can believe that). Once we got them home, after several months, our pediatrician did refer us to a pediatric surgeon because she (our pediatrician) said that in all of her years of working w/ orphans she had never seen such severe cases. We went to the specialist. He said that if they hadn’t naturally repaired themselves by the time the boys were 4 then he wanted to do surgery. Kyle’s has healed almost 100%. He has a beautiful perfect precious belly button now. Owen’s is still distended (as you can see in photos on our blog). At this point my guess is that we will do the surgery a year from now because I don’t think Owen’s will completely heal. At their 3-Year-Old check up last week our pediatrician said that she thinks it has healed about 75% but she’s not sure if it will be able to completely heal on its own. But the surgery is purely for cosmetic reasons — so that other kids don’t tease him and he doesn’t feel self-conscious of it — there is no actual medical problem, per se. So, ultimately it is very interesting that Kyle’s healed so well (given that his was actually WORSE in the beginning), and Owen’s is the one still visibly herniated. I have to add here— it is also amazing to me how *LITTLE* K & O comment on the differences in their belly buttons! They are both aware that Owen’s is “an outie” (that’s what we’ve called it for/with them), and Kyle’s is now “an innie”… but it has been left at that. We’ve gone out of our way to not make a big thing out of the belly button issues, and to not try to “hide” Owens (thus, we don’t refrain from posting photos of him shirtless on this blog, etc.), and we conscientiously act like everything is perfectly normal and natural (which, as a nurse, you know, it actually is!)… I think that contributes to their lack of self-consciousness about it. But still, I’m surprised that they haven’t made a bigger thing of it.

Questions Answered Tonight: Travel & Antics

First, TRAVEL (out of all 67 questions asked, this one is my favorite!) , then Antics.

Anonymous said… We have been reading basically since you started blogging. We can’t get over how adventurous you are with two young kids (TWINS!), and how much you travel with them. Our question is what are your biggest pieces of advice for travelling with young twins (we have twin girls age 4 and we still haven’t taken a trip with them and make everyone come visit us because we are too scared to travel with them STILL!!!!!!!!!!). Help!!!!?! How do you do it? :)The Tannenbaums (Sharon, Steve and twins Kara and Emma) from Michigan

Hi Tannenbaums! Photos above taken on our recent trip to New Hampshire. I totally understand your anxiety about travelling with your twin 4 year olds! It is hard to handle, and even though we travel quite a bit with Kyle and Owen we still get anxious ourselves! But we LOVE love love to travel with our boys and we make it a top priority for our family. We have been doing it since Day One with them (literally!), because within a week of meeting them we flew with them from Port-au-Prince to Miami, and then from Miami to Philadelphia. I’ll never forget the euphoria of that first trip. OMG, it was amazing! Anyway, we do travel a lot with them — especially relative to most twin families. However, there is one family I know of who travels even more than us with their twins (and I love this family from a distance)! Check out their blog by clicking here. But you’re asking about us, so I’ll try to stay focused (I love the travel-with-kids topic!!!). We have gone on a bunch of “big trips” (as they call it) with K & O. For K & O a “big trip” is a trip that involves airplanes. We have also done quite a few road trips, but we try to never go more than a 4-5 hour drive away because, basically, our boys have a VERY hard time in the car. They are awesome, however, on airplanes. We’re not sure why. Maybe because they’ve been doing it so regularly through their young lives. I counted it up and to date we’ve done 10 “big trips” in the past 2.5 years, 4 of which were international involving more than one airplane. That means that K & O have actually been on 24 different flights in their 3 years of life. That’s not a lot for Brangelina’s kids, but that’s a lot for our kids. When they were babies we always travelled with them in the front pack baby carriers. We’d keep them in there the entire flight and never detach them. As they got bigger we had them convinced that they had to sleep on airplanes. We always planned our flights to be during their naptimes and did everything in our power to get them to go to sleep. They almost always did. (yes, it was a shock to us too!!!). Now that they’re older they sit in their own seats and they get to watch videos (portable DVD players are *key*!!!), and have their favorite snacks (Kyle eats a whole entire sleeve of whole grain fig newtons on each and every flight now, NO KIDDING). They love when the attendants come by with drinks and nuts. Southwest Airlines is our favorite for travelling with the boys because they are incredibly, incredibly family and child friendly. Knock on wood, K & O have always been *awesome* on every airplane. It still shocks me each and every time. People are always complimented us like, “Wow! Your kids were sooooo great on the flight!!! How on earth do you get them to be so good???” And we just laugh to ourselves because it is hard to believe they are actually talking about our kids (since normally the boys are off the walls with their antics!!! see question answer below!). In terms of hotels/resorts/etc… We have found that travelling with K & O is *much* easier on all of us if we are able to have some sort of suite or villa of some sort with kitchenette and separate bedroom (with an actual door). A little kitchen is a huge help (microwave and fridge at the very least) because then we can do food (or at least some of it) for K & O ourselves and not force them to do restaurants 3x/day. A microwave lets us warm up milk, mac-n-cheese, etc. We almost always travel w/ a cooler with some food/drink for the boys (on flights they will allow you to check food, so we pack it into our luggage). A separate bedroom is a huge plus because we can let them nap and/or go to bed early at night and Braydon and I can still have some time/space. It costs more for this, obviously, but we’ve found that if we research and search and work at it we can usually find some sort of great deal on an arrangement that works well for us. Lastly, when we travel we try to keep some of our important rituals in tact (we try to stick to our normal bedtime routine of books and prayers & we always are sure to have Owen’s “warm milk” for him when he wakes up, for examples), but otherwise we ‘let it all go’ (i.e., we will sometimes rock them to sleep, let them eat cake for breakfast, let them watch more videos than usual, etc. — things we normally wouldn’t do at home). Then when we get home we try to immediately snap right back to our usual ways-of-being. When we’re travelling with them we go into it expecting that there will be lots of meltdowns and tantrums and ‘issues’ — and there always are — but if we’re expecting it, then when it happens it feels not-so-bad. And the truth is that the good parts soooo far outweigh all the ‘issues’ that it is well worth it to deal with that stuff. Anyway, tips… my biggest tip is to just take the plunge and do it! And put “patience” on the very top of your “To Pack” list!

haze said…
I don’t have a question, I just like reading your blog and seeing your boys up to their antics

Thanks Haze. I think. ;0 LOL! Even though you didn’t ask a question I couldn’t resist posting this photo in response to your comment. This just happened a couple days ago. I bought the boys new toothbrushes — those pseudo cheapo ‘electric’ toothbrushes you can buy. Well, K & O absolutely love these toothbrushes. Tonight, in fact, staring lovingly at his new “motor toothbrush” Kyle said to me, with love oozing from his tone, “Mama, I love my new toothbrush. I love it.” Anyway, we heard them ‘brushing their teeth. Braydon went to check on them. For obvious reasons. He told me I should come see it. I went, and this is what was happening:

In addition to brushing their teeth, they had squeezed out an entire new tube-full of Cat In The Hat toothpaste into the sink. Note that the deflated, squeezed out tube is placed precisely in its place on the counter and they are diligently brushing their teeth in the mirror. Antics!!!!!!!!

In keeping with the goal of answering all the questions this week, I am taking a crack at the ones I thought were easiest too…. Here we go!

The Fry Family said…
1. What drew you to Haiti? 2. What software program does Braydon use to create those fantastic videos? Blessings,Kristie
We’ll answer what drew us to Haiti in another post…
Thank you for the nice complement on the videos – glad you like them! Some are definitely better than others, I am trying to increase my consistency and pacing. In any case, I had been using Adobe Premiere, but my trial version expired (*sheepish shrug*), so now I am using Ulead Video Studio 11 Plus. It’s ok; I was much happier with Premiere, but since it’s prohibitively expensive and I am not thrilled with Ulead, I am going to try Adobe Premiere Elements. We’ll see how it goes; I might have to break down and get the full version of Premiere. For those interested, our video camera is a hard drive based camera – Sony DCR-SR200 (note that the price on the website is waaay off). For me, I couldn’t stand transferring tape to computer, drag and drop is so much better.

Do you have any photo tips? What kind of camera are you using? Thanks,-Teena
I did a lot of home work before settling on a camera. I knew we needed point and shoot capabilities for Heather (who has an aversion for technical detail) and a lot of control for me (who likes to exercise those kinds of things). I also wanted to make sure it was pretty fast (startup to shot time, and shot to shot), could handle low light fairly well and was pocket able. We didn’t need video on it, or interchangeable lenses or anything like that.

I settled on the Canon Powershot G7. Our good friend Stacey (who is a great photographer) swore by her G4 and now I swear by our G7. I only wish the telephoto was better.

We get almost all our photographic stuff at Beach Camera – they have the lowest prices by far – and for us, the store (for what it is) is about 15 minutes from my office (no shipping). If you do buy anything there, don’t get accessories, they are way over priced.

As for photo tips, this is what I have discovered: Heather is an amazing editor. If I cram as much as possible into the picture, get the lighting right and play with the controls, she can work wonders. But here is what I think in general (file under for what it’s worth):

1. 2/3 rule: I like highlights of things to to be 2/3’d to the left or right and up or down – almost never in the center of the picture.
2. lighting: I find that black people are best lit from an angle – not above. Deep afternoon and early morning lighting are far and away best – very different, but the best. White people are better from above, but not directly from above. In general, lighting from the side is best for everyone.
3. For portraits, tilt the subject’s head forward for a more flattering shot. It elongates the face and adds angle to the chin.
4. Capture a moment, not a portrait: It’s better to sit off to the side and catch an event as it unfolds rather than set it up. This could be personal, I hate having my picture taken.
5. Always remember you’re not capturing a moment, you are creating an image. You select what goes in the little box, and where it goes. Prep for a moment to happen before it happens.

Rob and Mandy Brelsford said…
I love someone elses question about how you and Braydon met! ~Mandy
Heather and I met in college. We went to a small liberal arts college in rural Maine with 1,600 students. We never met until the first day of our final year (which is crazy and just shows how popular she was and I wasn’t). I showed up at a party in the basement of a dorm. I spied Heather across the room, she spied me; we met at the chair in the middle and started talking. We have not stopped talking since, and I am sure we never will – thank goodness!

jazzmoh said…
My question is not really profound but why doesn’t Braydon post more often?
Why don’t I post more…. that is actually really tough. I could blame time, that I am working full time, and starting a company. But Heather has just a demanding schedule and she finds the time. Frankly, I don’t have a great answer, I wish I could blame something, but only I am to blame. I love our blog and love to contribute, I am now starting to do a little better with doing more. I have never been good at the regular communication work like this, but I’ll work on doing some more.

• Braydon and I try to get up when our alarms go off at 6am. Honestly, if truth be told: this summer we’ve hardly ever actually gotten out of bed then. We’ve slacked off on that this summer!
• Boys wake up sometime around 7:00
• Cuddle in our bed for as long as they’ll tolerate (usually no more than 5-10 minutes)
• Braydon & Heather take turns showering and getting the boys their morning milk/breakfast/hanging out with the boys
• Braydon leaves for work 7:45-8:30ish, depending on his day, Heather plays with the boys around the house until 10:00
• Alex arrives and takes over with the boys at 10:00, Heather goes to work
• Alex with the boys 10-5… doing all sorts of things including outings (playgrounds, parks, playdates, errands, concerts, fountains, creeks, ice cream, out for lunch, picnics, etc., etc., etc.) and home-time (swimming pool, sandbox, swings, bikes, lunch, snacks, nap/”rest hour”, reading, playing, etc., etc., etc.). Note: the boys normally eat lunch around 11:30/12:00ish and have snacks mid-morning and mid-afternoon.
• 5:00 Heather finishes works and takes over with boys, Alex leaves. Mama and boys play, swim, hang out, etc.
• 6:00 Braydon finishes work and takes over with boys (usually giving boys shower or bath)
• 6:00-6:30 Heather frantically tries to get dinner on the table
• 6:30 The Family Dinner
• 7:00/7:30ish (depending how long dinner lasts), hang out a little bit as a foursome, sometimes watch a 20 minute video (Little Einsteins and Curious George are current favorites — this summer we probably watched a video about 3-4 times per week) then head upstairs to get ready for bed (brush teeth, wash face/hands, lotion on skin and hair, pajamas, etc.)
• 7:45ish Books & Prayers (Braydon reads to them every night — between 3-5 books per night depending on how much time we have)
• 8:00ish Tuck in, lights out, nighty night K & O
• 8:00-9:00is Heather & Braydon clean up dinner, clean kitchen, dishes, laundry, kitty litter, trash, go through mail, tidy up house, etc., etc., etc.
• 9:00-11:00ish Heather & Braydon work in our home offices (and often I/we blog during that time too — like, right now!!!)
• 11:00-12midnightish We try to have a drink together and debrief about the day
• midnightish-1a.m.-ish Heather & Braydon go to bed. I’m usually asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Braydon usually reads for awhile in bed before he falls asleep.
• Start the day again!

  

Anonymous said…
My question has to do with language- are you planning to expose the boys to the African American dialect? My family has dealt with this through marriage, and I am curious about your plans. . .I guess your boys are still young so maybe you had not had to deal with it yet. . .Oh, I link here from the Fingerson blog, I am a former student of Laura’s. . .Michele

Hi Michele. So far we’ve been conscious of exposing Kyle and Owen to African American dialect in the sense that we go way out of our way to try to make sure they have time (like, real time — with us not present) with black people, specifically young black people. We’re really fortunate because as a college professor I can connect Kyle and Owen relatively easily with great young black men and women from all walks of life. I’m aware that Kyle and Owen are perceived as African American. I personally think of them as Haitian-American, or West Indian, or Afro-Caribbean… I don’t really think of them as “African American” per se, but I do understand that is how others do and will perceive them. I fully realize how important it is for our boys to be in black spaces, in “black worlds” and immersed in them. It is going to be a tough road ahead for K & O because they are growing up with white parents. So, we’re doing what we can now even though they are still so young. I think the younger we start, the better. I fully expect, however, that K & O will not speak with an “African American dialect” — no matter how much we expose them to black folks — because they are being raised by white parents. Also, we live in a predominately white area. And they go to predominately white daycare/school. This summer I read a great new book by sociologist Karyn Lacy called Blue Chip Black: Race, Class, and Status in the New Black Middle Class (click here for Amazon.com link) Braydon and I have been having lots of conversations spurred by this book. I highly recommend it to anyone thinking about these sorts of issues. I expect that in the next couple of months I’ll be posting more about this subject so keep checking in on our blog for that!!!