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work trip: view from my hotel room in Times Square / work skip: view from behind my laptop screen as I type this today, a sick day for Kyle

When I was growing up, my father travelled a lot for work. When he’d come home from big trips, he’d always bring my sister and I gifts. Sometimes it would be a little trinket he picked up at the airport, other times something more substantial or special. It didn’t matter, I always loved whatever he brought me. As a mom now, I am sure to always bring something home for my bambinos each and every time I go on a work trip. Just like when I was a kid, my kids sometimes get a little knick-knack, or sometimes something more. This past weekend I had to go to NYC for a conference. K, O, and M all know that NYC is not very far away, but a work trip is a work trip, and I was away from home (anything more than a day trip, i.e. any overnight no matter how long, qualifies as a work trip), so — as far as they’re concerned — I may as well have been on the other side of the planet. In their seven+ years of life, K & O have never once asked me to bring them anything specific home from a work trip (in fact they’ve never even acknowledged that I might bring them home something, and each and every time they act completely 100% over-the-moon-surprised that I brought them home a “work trip gift”). Meera, however, is apparently a different story.

A couple of days before this last work trip, Meera asked me directly, “Mommy, when you come home from your work trip, will you please bring me a horse with real hair?” At the age of 3 she has already caught on to the pattern (work trip = gift). I was kind of stunned that she asked (and was feeling — as usual — quite guilty about the impending time away from my babies), so in a moment of weakness I responded (probably too quickly) to her question: “Yes! Meera, when I come home I will bring you a horse with real hair!” (??!!! OMG! a “horse with real hair”??!). I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out exactly what she was envisioning/expecting. (She was able to communicate it very clearly to me.) And then I kept my fingers crossed that it existed to be bought in NYC (I was banking on the fact that pretty much anything that exists can/could be bought in NYC). Turned out that the (in)famous Times Square Toys R Us was right next door to the hotel where I stayed for the weekend. On Sunday morning, before heading home, I walked over there in search of the ‘horse with real hair.’ It was pretty easy to find. I also found two “light up light sabers” (a toy which Owen and Kyle have both been coveting for over a year now; a toy which I never in a million years would have thought I’d ever buy for any child of mine). I figured that if Meera was getting a ‘horse with real hair,’ I better bring something super cool for the boys (it didn’t help that standing there in that Toys R Us, surrounded by throngs of kids-with-their-families, missing my own, feeling enamored with my boys for them having never asked for any work-trip-gift ever in their entire lives, and feeling significant Mommy guilt for being at work on a Sunday morning, I had a moment of weakness as I thought about how AWESOME they’d think I was for bringing them that particular uber-cool gift; I mean, really, what gift could be cooler for a 7-year-old boy and his twin brother [the beauty of twins and light sabers is that they always have someone to battle with]).

Upon arriving home with those three gifts, there was a moment or two wherein I’m pretty sure that my bambinos thought I was pretty much the most awesome working mommy in the whole wide world. That wore off quickly (it couldn’t/shouldn’t last), but it was pretty great for awhile. And now we’ve settled back into our normal routine (only now we have a horse with real hair and two light up light sabers added into the mix). But I’m always and forever being humbly re-reminded that “normal routine,” for us, means constantly flying by the seats of our pants and never really knowing what is going to happen from one minute to the next. Today I’ve had to cancel everything I had planned as I’m home with Kyle, who’s home sick from school with a nasty head cold. Home sick for him = work skip for me. The work trip seems like ancient history as I sit on the couch with my Ky Ky, both of us still in our pajamas, with me catering to his every whim (he is a very needy sick patient; needing some part of his body to be in constant contact with some part of mine at all times; needing a constant flow of liquids and snacks provided by me; needing help with appropriate placement of Kleenex under his nose; needing every-two-second reminders to cover his nose when he sneezes; etc.). But the light saber on his lap today is a constant reminder to me of where I was three days ago. And a reminder that more than anything else I’ve learned from this mommy gig, I’ve learned this: being a mommy means being a constant Giver. Whether giving work-trip-gifts or giving home-sick-work-skips, it is just giving, giving, giving. And sometimes that feels draining. But sometimes that feels invigorating. And there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when or why what feels like what.

It feels like just yesterday that I took Kyle and Owen for their first trip to the dentist. It was actually almost exactly four years ago. They were three years old, so cute, and so eager. This past Friday afternoon, Meera had her first dentist appointment.

In some really poignant ways it was like deja vu (Meera now = 3 years old, so cute, so eager, and in so many ways just like her brothers in her pure joyful engagement with most all of life). And in some really poignant ways it was so different (the boys were rambunctious highly spirited twins, whereas Meera is a sweet mellow singleton; with the boys we have no dental/genetic/medical history, whereas with Meera we have that all; the boys suffered from early malnutrition so we worry about their teeth, whereas Meera has had the most privileged of beginnings). None of this is lost on me, and as an adoptive mother, trips to the dentist with K & O always seem to bring a lot of particularly strong thoughts and feelings up to the surface for me.

I made appointments for all three bambinos this time, so I took the whole crew together (by myself! which I consider quite a feat!). Kyle, Owen, and I had been prepping Meera all morning for her big First Trip to the Dentist. We read her our Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist book, we talked about what a dentist is and does, and the boys role played the entire thing with/for her (with dramatic flair). She was prepped and ready when the time came.

When the dental hygienist called Meera’s name in the waiting room, Meera jumped right up and with a huge smile held the hygienist’s hand as they walked down the hall (with me trailing 10 feet behind!). Meera hopped right up into the seat with Bunny. She was a superb patient while she had her teeth cleaned and examined for the first time. No cavities! A toothbrush to bring home! And all was good. I was so proud of my girl.

The boys have always loved going to the dentist every six months, and this time was no different. They too have no cavities (and never have), and I was once again reassured by the dentist of their rock-solid-genes and their amazing lack-of-any-signs-of-early-malnutrition. Every time I hear that I get the lump in my throat: a flood of gratitude and awe for my boys’ life stories.

On the drive home we had to stop at the grocery store for a few things. As a small token of my appreciation for their superb tooth-brushing and their exceptionally good dentist-visit-behavior, I bought each of them a Silly Putty. Which the three of them played with in every which way imaginable for the rest of the afternoon.

Too much is happening too fast around here these days. The utter overwhelming nature of my/our life right now has led to a severe lack-of-blogging. Sorry to all those regular readers who miss us when we’re gone (thank you for all of your emails of concern about our MIA status). The truth is, I just haven’t been devoting the time to the blog. The truth is, it has been nice to blow it off. The truth is, I miss blogging when I get out of the habit. The truth is, it is sometimes hard to justify blogging when life is so fast paced (and so many things are falling through the cracks). The truth is, I’m back to the blog tonight. The truth is, we have a CRAZY week ahead of us so I’m not sure if I’ll drop off again.

Here are my Top Ten Excuses and Explanations (for the fact that I’ve been a Seriously Slacking Blogger these past two weeks):

1. These Three. They keep me busy. If that is not a statement of The Obvious, then nothing is. {thank you MorMor for the red-themed V-day outfits. I have had to wash the red UnderArmor hoodies every.single.night.since.you.gave.them.to.them… because the boys have strongly desired to wear them every single day.} The fact is, although these three provide ample blogging material, they just don’t leave me much time to blog.

2. This Project. Braydon and I are in the process of purging much of our earthly possessions. We’ve been at this since January 1. Over the course of the next few months we plan to radically downsize our life. The de-cluttering/de-stuff-owning/de-knickknacking/purging/giving-away has been (so far) one of the most interesting and awesome experiences I/we have ever had. I estimate it is about 2/3 of our “stuff” that we are ridding ourselves of. Braydon says it is more like 40%. Regardless, it is a lot. And it is occupying a lot of our time. It is a big project.

3. Basketball Games. In addition to the crazy (brutal) basketball schedule that Kyle and Owen maintain (and love) playing for their school team, we’ve gone to three Lehigh basketball games in the past three weeks (that is one game per Saturday). It has been so fun. Lehigh beat Holy Cross, then Colgate, then Lafayette. We invited Kyle and Owen’s school basketball team to the Colgate game. We hosted a group of 30 kids and their families, and I think it was probably a Top 10 high of K & O’s year.

We got to sit with Zahir for the Lafayette game. That was also a Top 10 high of K & O’s year.

4. Meera’s Latest Obsession. She is not obsessed with basketball. She tolerates basketball (very well, I think, all things considered). Her current obsession is coloring an entire sheet of paper with one color so that the entire sheet is entirely covered. This must be some sort of developmental stage (?)… but it is time consuming… and she wants me to sit with her while she does it… over and over and over and over (with various colors on various sheets of paper). It is such hard work for her; the creation of these masterpieces is a sort of sweet-but-painful experience to witness (over and over and over and over).

5. Kyle’s Latest Obsession. Kyle is obsessed (and I mean, absolutely obsessed) with space and all things space/solar-system/universe related. He is thinking and talking about space from the minute he wakes up until the minute he goes to bed. More uniquely, he has become “a prolific writer” (direct quote from his teacher). His teacher has him (and only him) now using composition books to try to contain his sheer-volume-of-pages-of-writing. He writes “mostly non-fiction, but some reality-based-fiction” (direct quote from Kyle). His latest was a 4 chapter volume (which he wrote in two sittings: a Friday night, and then the next [Saturday] morning) focused on his idea to create a company that will use rockets to shoot trash from earth into space where it will combust upon making impact with Jupiter and Venus. His plan is to base the rocket-launchers in Haiti, which will provide a substantial boost to the Haitian economy while at the same time fixing the “landfill problem for planet earth.” He backs up his “stories” with data that he finds in books from our bookshelves. If we were willing/able, Kyle would occupy all of our time with his obsessive-compuslive-writing.

6. Owen’s Latest Obsession. Basketball. Pure and simple. He is absolutely obsessed (he claims, “addicted”) with/to basketball. He literally wakes up, immediately gets dressed into something “basketball cool and sporty” (his words), and runs either outside (until his hands get hypothermia-like cold), or downstairs (to our little over-the-door-hoop) to play play play basketball basketball basketball. Every spare second he has it is basketball basketball basketball. It is driving Braydon and me absolutely crazy. He cannot get enough of it and it is jumping, shooting, dribbling, lay-upping, talking-basketball morning-till-night. He very often gets his brother and sister right into the action too. It is enough to drive their parents nuts. The non-stop-action finally, after about five years of pounding, took its toll on our little over-the-door-indoor-bball-hoop. And because we are truly out of our minds, we bought a new one. We can only blame ourselves for fueling the fire. But we could not handle the make-shift “hoops” that Owen was constantly creating to try to replace the real one.

7. MorMor & MorFar’s Visit. They came last week for five days. We had been really looking forward to it. Sadly, the photo below (MorFar and Owen play chess) is the only photo we have of their visit. Why?–you ask– well… let me tell you: They arrived Sunday afternoon, and it started out as a great visit. We had lots of plans for the week, and high hopes for all we’d do and bond over. Instead… we ended up bonding in one of the most horrifying/gross ways imaginable: over the course of the week SIX OF THE SEVEN OF US were struck with a HORRENDOUS STOMACH FLU. Imagine the worst. It started with Meera on Monday (picked her up early because she was throwing up at daycare… then on the drive home… then at home… then raging fever and the whole nine yards), and proceeded to move like a tidal wave through the rest of us over the next few days. Only Owen was spared (MIRACULOUSLY. I swear, the boy has an immune system of steel). It was awful. My poor mother did more loads of vomit-laundry than any grandmother should ever have to do (and then she got IT). Not one of the best visits with MorMor and MorFar (but definitely one of the most memorable). This ordeal (the SICKNESS), alone, would warrant at least a 10-day-blog-break.

8. Valentines Day. V-Day was in there somewhere too. Luckily I had pre-planned for it. I’d learned my lesson the hard way for the prior several years, and finally, this year, made sure we spent substantial time devoted to V-Day during the couple of weekends leading up to it. Still though, around here (thanks to a school that insists on multiple days of handmade gifts — which I truly appreciate and respect, but which is GOD-AWFUL WHEN YOU HAVE TWIN BOYS WHO HATE CRAFTS), V-Day is a huge project. (This year, I just want to say this: THANK YOU PINTEREST FOR SAVING MY LIFE THIS V-DAY SEASON. (And thanks to MorMor, too, who helped in a panicky pinch in the 11th hour). Note, for the record (to accommodate for 3 kids’ worth of classroom valentines): we made *47* of the button-candy hearts pictured below.

9. Trifle Et Cetera. I’ve been cooking and baking with Owen and Meera lately. Kyle has relatively little interest in the kitchen. But Owen and Meera are into it. Amongst other things, we made a Valentine’s Trifle for dessert for MorMor and MorFar’s arrival. I had forgotten what a great idea trifle is for a fun and “fancy” kid-friendly dessert. Try it sometime! Recipe can be found here.

  

10. Speaking of love… Slice of life: This morning, 9:15am — Meera and Kyle share a spacial brother-sister-breakfast together in Meera’s bedroom (mini pancakes and milk; Kyle’s idea) while Owen and Braydon share piano time downstairs in the playroom (Owen has long been figuring out songs on the piano, but his latest quest is to learn how to write out the music with actual musical notation; Braydon is trying to teach him). This (this tiny slice), for example, is why I am so in love with my life (and is why I want to blog, but also why I want to devote very limited time to it).

Postscript. Most of all, the truth is, who would want to be blogging when there is this to be a part of?—

There’s lots and lots of other stuff going on too. So, for the past couple weeks I’ve blown off the blog. Tonight, though, I finally forced myself to catch up on this old blog. We fed the kids an early “Kids Only” dinner (I’m sure someday I’ll miss making these little-kids’-meals), got them to bed, Braydon made martinis, and we turned on The Bachelor (the one and only show we watch, pathetically enough). And somehow, it is so cathartic to pound out a blog post. It makes it seem — somehow — like it will all be harder to forget if I write it down. And as much as these days are nutty-crazy-busy-over-the-top-overhwhelming-at-times… they are good days — truly good days — that I don’t ever want to forget. And these days are passing much too quickly.

Cheers!– to another crazy upcoming week in Never-A-Dull-Moment-Land. And cheers!– to you for following along with this old blog, despite my severe slacking. Thanks for reading y’all. ~H

Owen & Kyle, this morning, before school~~

“Our children are not ours because they share our genes, they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day… or long sleepless night, is how love really works.” ~Unknown

photos above: K & O, January 2006 (one year home) ~~ O & K, January 2012 (seven years home)

We’re taking a blog break for a few days while we celebrate our Adoption Day.

January 31, 2005 we met these two Haitian Sensations in person for the first time. It was the best day of my life. They made me a mother. And they made me a much better person in so many, many ways.

We did a lot of work in those early months of being a new family. And we still do. Attachment did (and does) not always come easy for us four. There have been, and continue to be, many bumps on our road. But we would not trade our adoptive family for anything. Adopting Kyle and Owen was the #1 best thing that Braydon and I have ever done with our lives. Words cannot do it justice.

I get emotional this time of year. You’d think you’d start to harden up to it all. But no, not me. Our story never ceases to bring me to tears, and the early memories of our time together has a relentless way of making me weepy. We celebrate our Adoption Day each year in a big way. We will blog again in a few days, post-celebration!

As a gift for our first Adoption Day, on January 31st of 2006, I gave Kyle and Owen a handmade book that told our family’s story. They were 20 months old, and had been home for one year. I used an actual baby board book (one that we happened to have two copies of), covered each page with new text and photos/images, then laminated each page by covering it with clear con-tact paper. The goal was to give them a baby-friendly board book (i.e. a book that could stand up to the wear and tear of two babies biting on it, etc.), that would tell our story in an age-appropriate way. We began reading it to them right away and continued to do so on a regular basis. So, from the time they could talk, they knew their own Adoption Story. We read it frequently and continually. As time went on –through the toddler years– they asked more and more questions about the story and pictures on the pages of this book. This was a great way for us to be in constant conversation about their history and our family’s story. The book has stood up remarkably well (all things considered!). We have read this book literally hundreds and hundreds of times. Kyle and Owen now know it by heart.

I feel really strongly that it is critically important for kids who were adopted to be able to know — and tell — their story and their family’s story. I am a firm believer in the telling, and re-telling, and re-telling, and re-telling of these stories. I have seen what a huge impact this has had on my own boys. Today, at age seven, I will often hear them quote this book (literally) when answering someone’s questions about their history. There are certain pages that are especially meaningful to them, and certain photos that tell stories in and of themselves.

Over the years of my blogging I’ve had many people email me questions about how we approach our kids’ stories and histories (mainly questions about how to talk with adopted kids, with histories of trauma, about their own stories in a respectful but also age-appropriate way). I am sharing this book (and an updated version that I did for our 6th Adoption Day — see post below), in part as a long-time-coming-response to all of those questions. Sometimes it is hard for me to put this stuff out there (I feel vulnerable) — but I think it is really important for adoptive families to share these sorts of things with each other. I had very little to go by when I made this book six years ago. I don’t think this book should be used as a “model” for anyone else (it is unique to our family), but it will hopefully get the juices flowing for other adoptive parents who are struggling with how to approach their story with their own kids.

I made this book — a second edition (see post above) — and gave it to Kyle and Owen last year on our Adoption Day. They were six years old, and it was our 6th Adoption Day. With this version, I basically took the exact text from the original book and just augmented it, fleshed it out, and turned it into a young-kid-appropriate book (updated from toddler-book). I also added more pictures to the original set. And, of course, Meera joins the family in this updated version too. To say that Kyle and Owen find value in this book is a huge understatement. It is probably one of their most valued possessions. Upon receiving it, they immediately wanted to bring it to school, which they did (on more than one occasion), and it really helped to tell their story, in an age-appropriate way, to their friends and teachers. Over the past year they have regularly chosen this book off the shelf as their bedtime-story-book. Also, interestingly, they will often choose this as the book they want read to them at night by a babysitter. That is no coincidence — it is the perfect, easy way for them to make sure that their babysitters know their story. But the original book is still in active use too– they often will still ask to have the “baby book” read to them. They also can read the original book themselves– which they often will, out loud to Meera, or just on their own. These books are also extremely useful for, and important to, Meera. She knows our family’s story just as well as the boys did at her age. My plan is to keep doing updated versions of “A Family Forever,” every few years, continually adding detail, more photos, and layering on more complex information as they seem ready. My hope is that by the time Kyle and Owen are 18 we’ll have five editions of the book.

We kept Meera home from daycare yesterday for another day of R&R and TLC. I spent the vast majority of the day with this view:

(photo taken with my iPad, while canceling and re-scheduling and re-arranging my week to cram 5 days of my calendar into 3)

Meera wanted nothing and nobody other than me and my lap. I thought I was going to die a slow death of ‘Torture by Toddler TV.’ It wouldn’t be that bad except for the ever-present-knowledge of the exponentially-increasing-falling-behind-work-load weighing heavier and heavier on the mind with each passing hour. Seriously, this working-mother gig is not for the faint of heart. By mid-day I sent Braydon an email (from my iPad, from precisely the position photographed above) that read: “Update: I am dying here… Between the sick 3-year old, no shower in 3 days, and work piling up… I am over-the-top miserable.”

And then it was –thank God!– time for a nap. She slept for 2 hours while I quickly showered and desperately attempted to catch up on some pressing work things (you know, the kind of work things that you just cannot do from your iPad on the couch with a small sick child on your lap and Strawberry Shortcake or Princess Lillifee darting across the tv screen). She woke up and we resumed our position on the couch.

And then… it happened… that which we always hope for when we cancel everything to clear our calendars in order to place our sick kid at the very tippy top of the list of priorities. The Turn Around. Yes, this time it seems that it might just have worked– all that R&R and TLC– it seems like it did the trick (fingers crosses)– because just like it hit her fast and hard, she turned the corner just as quickly. Suddenly she popped up off my lap and with my iPad I was snapping this:

She went to school this morning. Along with her brothers (who still –knock on wood– are showing no signs of symptoms). And we all breathed a sigh of relief. We got off easy this time around.

It doesn’t always go like that. But it is sure nice when it does.

Our poor baby. She got hit hard and fast with a terrible cold. There was no way she could go to daycare today. So, it was a day at home for Meera and Mama, with lots of time on the couch (with a very cuddly kitty), and lots of Strawberry Shortcake videos.

Week 3 of the earning charts, and it was Meera’s turn to decide the winning activity. This was not a difficult decision for Little Miss Meera to make. She’s a girl who knows what she wants, and she knew what she wanted: “Hibachi lunch and the movie theater!” Her brothers were thrilled with this declaration– Hibachi is, unanimously, the bambinos’ current favorite restaurant of choice. Of course, they love the drama of the live-cooking (who wouldn’t?!), but they really love the food (in fact, as we were leaving the restaurant, Kyle said to the manager, “Your food is AWESOME!”). And the movie theater… well, that was just icing on the cake (we go so rarely that it remains a real special treat for us all). We went to our favorite Japanese restaurant (Kome), then it was Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked (not a movie Braydon and I would have ever chosen, but it was slim pickings for two 7-year-olds and a 3-year-old!). This week we’re giving bedtime a go sans-earning-charts. We shall see how that works out.

We woke up this morning to a blanket of white outside.

Waffles and bananas are always better after blowing out a pink candle. Sometimes you just have to have a candle in your breakfast even when your birthday is nowhere in sight.

Round 2 of the infamous Earning Charts.

This week it was Kyle’s turn to choose the winning activity. He chose ice skating at the indoor rink.

This is not an activity that Braydon and I enjoy (skating around and around and around an indoor skating rink), but then again, we’re not the ones with the earning charts (we’re just the ones providing the earnings!). We figured Meera would last all of 10 minutes on the ice (she had “skated” once before — when she was 2 — but she doesn’t even remember that, and she definitely is a novice skater), so we planned for Braydon to skate, and for me to wait in the wings for Miss Meera to call it quits. Meera, however, had different plans. She had earned this — well and good — and she was going to skate — just like her brothers — for the whole entire time of the rink’s Saturday Open Skating Session. Oh yeah, baby, she “skated” (i.e., poor Braydon held her up and ferried her around and around and around the rink) for the full 1.5 hours. None of the four of them took even a five minute break. I watched, rink-side, as other people’s kids all came on and off the ice — begging for hot chocolate, whining about being tired, complaining of the cold, asking to be “done!” — but not the bambinos. Oh no. They milked it for every ever-loving-minute of their hard-earned skating session. We left the rink with 3 happy kiddos and 1 very sore Papi! We are now in Week Three of the New-Year-Bedtime-Behavior-Earning-Charts. It is Meera’s turn to choose the activity. And then, hopefully, the bad bedtime habits will be broken, and this whole little earning-charts-phase will be no-longer-needed (here’s hoping!).