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Braydon

Oct 07
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I am crying, standing at the kitchen window, looking out into the yard at Meera in her pink baby swing with Margie watching her, swinging her and raising her hands up in a sprinkle of fingers to entertain the baby; I know she is singing. Heather is standing there crying with me, we’ve just dropped the boys off at the bus stop, they’re off to school.  We’ve been up for a couple hours, we’re about to go to work.

Meera had her bottle at 2 AM.  I am stressed out about cash flow for the company and am awake for 2 hours, but Meera sucks down her bottle and I feel her breathing ease and she’s asleep in my lap; I put her back in the crib, she rolls over on her side, content, sleeping. I remind myself to be with the baby, not with work, this time is precious.  I go back to bed, Heather reminds me to relax and let myself sleep. Owen wakes up with a nightmare and he finishes the night in bed with us.  Kyle is up early as always, excited to get to school, he comes in dressed and ready, it’s 6 AM.

Heather and I have a glass of wine, talk about the day, try to get centered.  We can’t figure this life out, as much as we try.  Our children are slipping by so quickly, they are growing with out any regard for our desire to slow down.  I see them so clearly, every little bit, but then the moment is gone. But I fell like I am missing them every minute of the day. Heather is missing them every minute of the day. Is this just how it is to be a parent, or is it something else?

We have a rich life, full of meaning, intimacy and love. I know we are beyond lucky, beyond privileged that I can even think about these things. I look out at the people in the world doing good works, struggling, filled with desire, filled with angst, fear and hope. Of all the many things we are concerned with, right now, this feels the most pressing in some ways. In some ways not, but on my heart, is is the most pressing.

We are looking for an answer I think. Or we’re looking for some kind of grace. Or maybe, we don’t even know what we’re looking for yet.

Sep 14
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Some good news

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We don’t often post about our work. Our focus is on our family, some of the things we’re thinking about our family and a lot of the daily things we do, struggle with and celebrate. And we leave work out of it.

But today is a special day for me (and us) work-wise. In 2004 I incorporated Johnson-McCormick Technologies, LLC – an Internet start-up. The goal was to make an awesome music download service that competed with iTunes, but mashed in MySpace, Facebook, and charitable contributions, all the while creating an awesome user experience. We did that, but as anyone who has been near a start up will confirm, things don’t go as expected. And it’s been a slow, painful slog that somehow is also a wildly whipping roller-coaster.
In any case, over the last few years as I have quadrupled dutied on two full time jobs (major corporate job and start up and then left one), being a very involved father and a dedicated husband (I do try), and Heather has whip-sawed (yes, there is an “awed” in sawed and that’s how I feel – I am in awe of her hanging in there) back and forth emotionally, time-commitment and financially and dealt with me in my near-insanity, total immersion, forgetting everything and being constantly distracted, we have ploughed ahead to find out selves in a new place.
In the last 18 months we’ve launched a new live video concert and corporate events service. It’s really pretty cool if I do say so my self and my team is completely amazing. We have a major music festival coming up in October, so that is very exciting. www.rvibe-live.com is the concert site. We’re not announcing the corporate site yet.
So tonight, we’re celebrating our first major paying customer. We’ve signed a huge corporate account and today I deposited our first check. And that, is tremendous. It feels different, it feels great, and we’re so happy to finally take this kind of step forward.

This was the scene of Heather and my celebration. This is a big deal for us, it’s a big deal that Heather has hung in there, believing in my nuttiness and supporting me (in all the most important ways) in getting here (including some key, critical strategy here and there).
There is a lot of hard work ahead of us for sure, but man of man, it’s so important to celebrate things when you can.
PS: Note the bbq chips? When we were in Burgundy France in 2003, we stayed at this beautiful Chateau and much to my uninformed American chagrin, when we ordered a glass of Champagne, they served us bbq lays chips. Only upon polite inquiry did we find out that it was intentional and that there is pretty much no better food to go with a glass of good Champagne that strong bar-b-que chips. Who knew!?!? The French apparently. And now, we always have them with Champagne. Now that’s how to celebrate, the Earth and Heaven together.
Aug 29
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Happy 37th Birthday Heather!

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Can you believe she’s 37? I can’t! She seems like a really mature 22 year old hottie to me! And we’ve had a really fun day to boot. Our dear old friends Jen and Anthony are here (mostly coincidental, but what a great way to celebrate) and between our kids, their kids, the pool and some margaritas, it’s been a blast.

This year, Kyle and Owen picked out their own gifts for mommy: Owen a purple stone funky necklace and Kyle a large lattice heart pendant necklace. Both of which Heather will wear – although neither of which we’re sure are actually are her style. But so endearingly cute.
Heather got to have her favorite – carrot cake – with two loving boys assisting with the candle duty.
Happy Birthday my sweet, gorgeous wife! We’re all so happy to celebrate you today!



Aug 24
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Blessings on the Earth

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The corn is getting high, and the apples are almost mature. Things are almost overgrown, but not quite. Driving down the road past the lush fields and trees, despite the hot, humid air, I feel the change coming. And it’s not entirely welcome. The autumn is so close; can we keep it at bay for an extra week or two this year? The summer is still hot, and we sweat when running around playing hard outside. We sweat when we go from car to house, to building to anywhere. But today was a little cooler, a little fresher. Driving down roads between walls of corn, you can almost see the combines ready to harvest.

We’re cycling through to the next phase of our year, into school, into fall, into crazy calendars and nutty planning, into yet another wave of our selves and our children growing up, growing into being ourselves, into being who they will be. And it’s not entirely welcome. Let’s keep it at bay for one more year. Can we do that? Can we keep this moment, this single moment, this one time only moment just a little longer?
It seems that each day brings a new challenge, something that in hindsight we should have seen coming. Something that had we been only a little more attuned to the needs of our family, that we would have seen. Something we could have been more prepared for. Something, that while not life changing, could have been done a little differently. It’s so many things. It’s that Kyle and Owen will be riding the bus for the first time this year. It’s that Meera will have to adjust to a quiet house. We’ll have to adjust our schedules, our perceptions, our understanding of where we’re going and where we will be. It’s their first taste of Gazpacho. It’s that our children, all three, play together after dinner, by themselves for the first time. It’s knowing that this moment, this single moment in time is precious, is changing before our eyes. And it’s not entirely, not really completely, maybe almost, but we feel ambivalently; not welcome.
And each night, after we work a bit, maybe have a glass of wine, after the day is finally done, and the stresses are finally somewhat at bay, after we’ve forgotten a little about who others expect us to be and remember a little more about who we are that we stop. Some the breath.
That we go and take a quick glance at our sleeping, growing, changing children, our changing selves, our shifting world. And we feel the Earth moving beneath us, feel time moving perceptibly forward and have the same sense that countless, loving, lucky parents through out time feel when their children are safe, fed and home sleeping.
We are thankful to be blessed as we are now.
Jul 27
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It gets under your skin

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We’re by no means experts on Haiti, we’ve been there once. We do think about it a lot and since our kids are Haitian, it is a deep part of our lives. But we’re not anywhere near experts. We do try to keep abreast of news and goings-ons (our courageous and dedicated blogging friends in Haiti – we’re looking at you!) and have a sense of the place. A sense of history, a sense of the now, a sense of the challenges, the passion, the terribleness.

We do not glamorize it, we do not romanticize it, we try to remember that every day, less than an hour flight from Florida, there are millions of people in desperate poverty. We also recognize the incredible resiliency of the people of Haiti. It’s a tough balance to strike, but one that’s important for us to keep in mind for our children. There is both horror and wonder.
When we were waiting at the U.S. Consulate, our adoption facilitator told us our drive to get our kids home was something that Haitians respect – passion. and, I remember standing outside the Department of Homeland security and forcing a swath of space around us as we made our way through the throngs of people and I also had the sense that there was respect for strength. is that the way it should be? I don’t know, but it is certainly the way it is – respect for a show of strength. Is there respect for actual strength beyond passion? I don’t know.
People tend to think that we are experts on Haiti. And while we don’t think we are, truthfully, people in the U.S. are woefully ignorant and unaware of anything about Haiti. Is it institutional racism that we turn a blind eye? Or is it just to painful to admit? Or something else? Are we experts? No, but we’ve become ambassadors.
There is, however, one thing that I feel completely confident saying about Haiti. Until you have been there, you have no way of understanding it. We in the U.S. have no frame of reference in our world that allows us to build a mental image of what Haiti is. Whatever you think it is, before you have visited, you just can’t know.
To me, there is no better way to describe it than this: The first thing you notice when you get off the plane is the heat and smell. By the time you leave, your skin has been imbued, with grit, determination, sweat and the scent of burning garbage in the streets.
Once you have visited Haiti, it is forever under your skin.
Jun 15
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First Major League Baseball Game: Go Sox!

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It was a momentus Sunday in the J-M household. Mor Far came down and took the boys to their first Major League Baseball game. And not just any old MLB game – but a Red Sox Game. They played the Phillies in Inter-league play at Citizen’s Park in Philadelphia. It was a gorgeous spring day for the 4 guys (me, Mor Far, K & O) to go down for 1:30 first pitch.

In addition to the completely unobstructed view (section 307 is so unobstructed it’s actually higher that foul ball pole), we had hot dogs, drinks (the boys had Sprite), and, of course, cotton candy. Later we also had ice cream. Baseball does not get better than that!

Particularly special was seeing Jacoby Elsbury (the boys current favorite player) steal second, and then in the same play, on an error, steal 3rd. Then seeing Big Papi too – what a treat! Sadly, though the Sox were up 5 to nothing in the 4th, they crashed and burned and ended 11-6. But, the boys did not care one iota – and have been “playing Red Sox” here at home every second since then. The latest thing is that they say a Phillies player catch a pop-fly against the wall – so the couch in our living room is “the wall” and they “catch the ball” and then flip over the wall to indicate how big a catch it really is. Yahoo!

Citizen’s Bank park is a great place, and although very very white, was also very friendly to our family. I love the layout and design of the place. They have captured the feel of an old park, and made it very accessible and easy to enjoy. Very nice.

Kyle relished hearing the play-by-play Mor Far gave for every pitch for the entire 3.5 hours. That kid really sat there and absorbed the whole thing. Mor Far reported that everytime he would say something (eg: Base on Balls) Kyle would prompt “Morr Far, what’s Base on Ball” and he would answer, which would lead to more questions, which would led to more questions. And now, we’re hearing it all come back out in discussions with Kyle.

Owen loved seeing the players swing and hit. He was frustrated that he couldn’t be a Red Sox right now. And he loved walking around the park with Papi when the game felt a little slow. We got to tour the whole thing and interact with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of people. Who all loved to interact with him.

After the game, we hit our favorite Carrabba’s and the boys had their normal penne with alfredo.
What an incredible experience. The perfect way to have your first MLB game. Kyle is now dead-set on going to Fenway! Watch out Red Sox, here we come!
May 30
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On Meera’s first birthday

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My little baby is one. Not 11 months, not 12 months; one. Really, she’s just a day older than she was yesterday, but some how one is different.  She’s gone from being our baby, to becoming our little girl.

I was driving into New York on Wednesday before her birthday on business.  Cruising along with the thousands of other cars, the road was quiet and each of us sped quickly to our destinations – maybe the city, maybe somewhere in New Jersey, maybe beyond.  All commuting in and probably back again.  And I sensed myself becoming the person I would need to be when I went in for my meeting, and I suspect that each person I passed did almost the same thing. I could see it in their faces, a little alone time before they had to be what they do everyday.  A little glimpse of who they are when they are not someone else. 
There are glimpses that I catch from time to time of her as an infant, and snapshots of who I think she will be as a young lady, and each can be even sweeter than the moment in which I notice. I see her wonderful mother in her more and more, and I see her beautiful self emerging everyday. I pick her up, cuddle her and hear a squeal of delight. She is precious.
I distinctly and acutely sense theses passages: of time of self, of who we are and need to be. And feel that we are all slipping through through the water without realizing it, letting our selves be washed over by where we need to be and who we need to become. It’s both difficult and joyous. Losing time is part of life, and not really a bad thing, but it’s bitter sweet.  Being able to look back and see where we are is a true gift, even if, when you are watching your baby grow, it often makes you long for time to stop.  
But, being able to relish in the tiny moments of connecting to another person and seeing them for who they really are is a treasure.  And when we can take a moment to wash off the world, be given the privilege of dipping our toe into another’s personal pool and revel in their aliveness, it’s something beyond important, it’s what makes us all human.
So, when I see my little Meera turn one, with her hands mashed in the cake, with pushing her little cart around with her kitty and balloon, or when I watch her screaming in joy as she plays with her brothers, I am seeing who she is now.  When I see her sleeping when we check on her every night, I see her at 8 days, at 3 months, 9 months. I see her on the warming table in the hospital, still a little bloody, her umbilical clipped and when I put my hand gently on her chest, she stops crying for just a moment.
And when I pick up all 25 pounds of her to my shoulder and her legs kick-kicky-kick and arms wavy, and she smiles big, and I tilt her back, look her in the face and she giggles with joy and bubbles, I see her at 5, at 10, at 30. 
And right there, that’s it. It’s that instant. It’s who she is, who she has been and who she will be. It’s that moment that I am in her pool with her. 
It’s right then I hope all along the way, that I will  remember this moment. That I can lock it away in my minds eye forever. That when I send her to school for the first time, or she has her first heartbreak or when she graduates, that I will hold  this moment and recall all those little glimpses of her life.  And while I know I can’t; not really, and although I am excited for every glimpse I get as she continues to become, I still try.
Because right now, when she is one plus a day, the beautiful birthday party Heather did is done, and the cake is gone, all the kids are asleep and we are at our computers, Meera is fast becoming our little girl. And as each moment washes away into the past, I look forward being in the next one.
Happy first birthday Meera Grace!
Apr 26
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The end of Dreft

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Since Meera was born I’ve been averaging approximately 15 loads of laundry a week. Now that Margie is helping it’s so so so much easier, but it’s still a lot of laundry. I don’t know how people with sextuplets do it…. anyway.

Tonight is a very emotional night for me. For the first few months after the boys came home I used Dreft to do their laundry. Loads and loads and loads of Dreft laundry. When they hit One, I stopped. But it was not that big of a deal for some reason.

For the first 11 months of Meera’s life I have used Dreft to wash her laundry and scentless Bouce to dry everything. All the onsies, PJ’s, socks, cute little pants, tops, coats, socks. Mostly clean, terribly dirty, it all got the Dreft. It all came out smelling like baby.

We decided that this enormous jug of Dreft would be the last one and then I would start using the same Tide I use for all our laundry.

Tonight, I did my last load of Dreft laundry. And since we’re not having more children, my last load of Dreft laundry ever.

Well, at least until I do my grandkids laundry in 20-30 years!

Apr 17
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A gorgeous evening

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We had a beautiful day here and a wonderful night. Heather made “Popop’s fish” on the grill with scallops and K & O grilled their first clams. Meera standing at the sunroom table brings me right back to 10 month old boys doing the same thing, in the same light, with the same warmth radiating from their happy faces.

Apr 13
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Current Favorite Songs

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Every once in a while it’s good to check in on what music is inspiring our family. In the last few months, the boys’ interest in music has jumped up. More specifically, they are becoming aware of different songs, pieces, lyrics, composers and performers. Their love of music drives their consciousness and it’s really amazing to witness.

Some of the cuter, funnier scenes involve K & O DJing at their little stereos in their room. They often demand we come up and listen to a song they are playing. Here is the list of all three Jammers (J-M’rs) favs :

And Meera’s favorite (the boys call it her ‘sleep music’ since we put it on in the car to lull her a bit):