Owen & Kyle, this morning, before school~~
“Our children are not ours because they share our genes, they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day… or long sleepless night, is how love really works.” ~Unknown
photos above: K & O, January 2006 (one year home) ~~ O & K, January 2012 (seven years home)
We’re taking a blog break for a few days while we celebrate our Adoption Day.
January 31, 2005 we met these two Haitian Sensations in person for the first time. It was the best day of my life. They made me a mother. And they made me a much better person in so many, many ways.
We did a lot of work in those early months of being a new family. And we still do. Attachment did (and does) not always come easy for us four. There have been, and continue to be, many bumps on our road. But we would not trade our adoptive family for anything. Adopting Kyle and Owen was the #1 best thing that Braydon and I have ever done with our lives. Words cannot do it justice.
I get emotional this time of year. You’d think you’d start to harden up to it all. But no, not me. Our story never ceases to bring me to tears, and the early memories of our time together has a relentless way of making me weepy. We celebrate our Adoption Day each year in a big way. We will blog again in a few days, post-celebration!
As a gift for our first Adoption Day, on January 31st of 2006, I gave Kyle and Owen a handmade book that told our family’s story. They were 20 months old, and had been home for one year. I used an actual baby board book (one that we happened to have two copies of), covered each page with new text and photos/images, then laminated each page by covering it with clear con-tact paper. The goal was to give them a baby-friendly board book (i.e. a book that could stand up to the wear and tear of two babies biting on it, etc.), that would tell our story in an age-appropriate way. We began reading it to them right away and continued to do so on a regular basis. So, from the time they could talk, they knew their own Adoption Story. We read it frequently and continually. As time went on –through the toddler years– they asked more and more questions about the story and pictures on the pages of this book. This was a great way for us to be in constant conversation about their history and our family’s story. The book has stood up remarkably well (all things considered!). We have read this book literally hundreds and hundreds of times. Kyle and Owen now know it by heart.
I feel really strongly that it is critically important for kids who were adopted to be able to know — and tell — their story and their family’s story. I am a firm believer in the telling, and re-telling, and re-telling, and re-telling of these stories. I have seen what a huge impact this has had on my own boys. Today, at age seven, I will often hear them quote this book (literally) when answering someone’s questions about their history. There are certain pages that are especially meaningful to them, and certain photos that tell stories in and of themselves.
Over the years of my blogging I’ve had many people email me questions about how we approach our kids’ stories and histories (mainly questions about how to talk with adopted kids, with histories of trauma, about their own stories in a respectful but also age-appropriate way). I am sharing this book (and an updated version that I did for our 6th Adoption Day — see post below), in part as a long-time-coming-response to all of those questions. Sometimes it is hard for me to put this stuff out there (I feel vulnerable) — but I think it is really important for adoptive families to share these sorts of things with each other. I had very little to go by when I made this book six years ago. I don’t think this book should be used as a “model” for anyone else (it is unique to our family), but it will hopefully get the juices flowing for other adoptive parents who are struggling with how to approach their story with their own kids.
I made this book — a second edition (see post above) — and gave it to Kyle and Owen last year on our Adoption Day. They were six years old, and it was our 6th Adoption Day. With this version, I basically took the exact text from the original book and just augmented it, fleshed it out, and turned it into a young-kid-appropriate book (updated from toddler-book). I also added more pictures to the original set. And, of course, Meera joins the family in this updated version too. To say that Kyle and Owen find value in this book is a huge understatement. It is probably one of their most valued possessions. Upon receiving it, they immediately wanted to bring it to school, which they did (on more than one occasion), and it really helped to tell their story, in an age-appropriate way, to their friends and teachers. Over the past year they have regularly chosen this book off the shelf as their bedtime-story-book. Also, interestingly, they will often choose this as the book they want read to them at night by a babysitter. That is no coincidence — it is the perfect, easy way for them to make sure that their babysitters know their story. But the original book is still in active use too– they often will still ask to have the “baby book” read to them. They also can read the original book themselves– which they often will, out loud to Meera, or just on their own. These books are also extremely useful for, and important to, Meera. She knows our family’s story just as well as the boys did at her age. My plan is to keep doing updated versions of “A Family Forever,” every few years, continually adding detail, more photos, and layering on more complex information as they seem ready. My hope is that by the time Kyle and Owen are 18 we’ll have five editions of the book.
We kept Meera home from daycare yesterday for another day of R&R and TLC. I spent the vast majority of the day with this view:
(photo taken with my iPad, while canceling and re-scheduling and re-arranging my week to cram 5 days of my calendar into 3)
Meera wanted nothing and nobody other than me and my lap. I thought I was going to die a slow death of ‘Torture by Toddler TV.’ It wouldn’t be that bad except for the ever-present-knowledge of the exponentially-increasing-falling-behind-work-load weighing heavier and heavier on the mind with each passing hour. Seriously, this working-mother gig is not for the faint of heart. By mid-day I sent Braydon an email (from my iPad, from precisely the position photographed above) that read: “Update: I am dying here… Between the sick 3-year old, no shower in 3 days, and work piling up… I am over-the-top miserable.”
And then it was –thank God!– time for a nap. She slept for 2 hours while I quickly showered and desperately attempted to catch up on some pressing work things (you know, the kind of work things that you just cannot do from your iPad on the couch with a small sick child on your lap and Strawberry Shortcake or Princess Lillifee darting across the tv screen). She woke up and we resumed our position on the couch.
And then… it happened… that which we always hope for when we cancel everything to clear our calendars in order to place our sick kid at the very tippy top of the list of priorities. The Turn Around. Yes, this time it seems that it might just have worked– all that R&R and TLC– it seems like it did the trick (fingers crosses)– because just like it hit her fast and hard, she turned the corner just as quickly. Suddenly she popped up off my lap and with my iPad I was snapping this:
She went to school this morning. Along with her brothers (who still –knock on wood– are showing no signs of symptoms). And we all breathed a sigh of relief. We got off easy this time around.
It doesn’t always go like that. But it is sure nice when it does.
Our poor baby. She got hit hard and fast with a terrible cold. There was no way she could go to daycare today. So, it was a day at home for Meera and Mama, with lots of time on the couch (with a very cuddly kitty), and lots of Strawberry Shortcake videos.
Week 3 of the earning charts, and it was Meera’s turn to decide the winning activity. This was not a difficult decision for Little Miss Meera to make. She’s a girl who knows what she wants, and she knew what she wanted: “Hibachi lunch and the movie theater!” Her brothers were thrilled with this declaration– Hibachi is, unanimously, the bambinos’ current favorite restaurant of choice. Of course, they love the drama of the live-cooking (who wouldn’t?!), but they really love the food (in fact, as we were leaving the restaurant, Kyle said to the manager, “Your food is AWESOME!”). And the movie theater… well, that was just icing on the cake (we go so rarely that it remains a real special treat for us all). We went to our favorite Japanese restaurant (Kome), then it was Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked (not a movie Braydon and I would have ever chosen, but it was slim pickings for two 7-year-olds and a 3-year-old!). This week we’re giving bedtime a go sans-earning-charts. We shall see how that works out.
Waffles and bananas are always better after blowing out a pink candle. Sometimes you just have to have a candle in your breakfast even when your birthday is nowhere in sight.
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