February 10, 2005 – just a couple of weeks into familyhood
Four years ago I wrote a big post on the topic of: “Things We Did In the Very Beginning with Kyle and Owen” (click here for the link). For a long while that post was the most visited post on our blog. And then, somewhere along the way, other posts took over in the top tier of ‘Most Viewed’ in our site stats and the “Things We Did” post got lost deep in the blog archives, rarely to be viewed again. All along the way, though, whenever prospective adoptive families or waiting families have emailed me for insight or advice, I’ve sent them to that post.
I wrote that post in January of 2007, when Kyle and Owen were just two years old, and Meera wasn’t even born yet. When I re-read the “Things We Did” post (which I do from time to time), what always strikes me most is how, if I were to re-write it today, four years deeper into parenting, I’d probably write the same thing– but just add more to it. My core thoughts and feelings about attachment in adoption have been relatively unwavering, despite the ups and downs and ebbs and flows of the past seven years of my experience of motherhood. However, I’ve learned a lot along the way.
If you were to ask me what the most important piece of my own adoption experience has been, I’d say this: what I’ve learned, above all else, is that attachment is a two-way-street. In the “Things We Did” post I wrote: “…Attachment goes both ways. It isn’t just a matter of the baby attaching to the parent, but of the parent attaching to the baby too.” Now, seven years in, I feel that in my heart, and think that in my mind, more than ever. As I reflect on our own experience of adoption, live out the present-day real-life living of being an adoptive family, and witness other adoptive families, I know it more than ever: attachment goes both ways. And just as it is challenging (to say the least) for a child to attach to a parent, it is challenging for a parent to attach to a child.
So, what are the things that we can do, as parents, to purposefully and deliberately and intentionally build attachment to our children? This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about in more recent years. In the early phases of my life as an adoptive mother (particularly while planning our adoption, going through the actual adoption process, waiting for Kyle and Owen, and then the first few weeks of bringing them home), I was so focused on K & O that I thought almost exclusively about attachment as a one-way thing. But as our bond began to grow, I consciously thought more and more about how I was attaching to them. By the end of the first couple of months I was very conscientiously understanding the attachment process as a two-way street; as a bond that goes both ways. And while some of the bond can (and often does) happen organically, some can (and often does) require hard work on both sides.
If I go through the “Things We Did” post, I can now see how each of the things we did to foster Kyle and Owen’s attachment to us also fostered our attachment to them. For example (from that post):
- ‘We didn’t let anyone but us feed them.’ I could easily argue that in us, exclusively, feeding them, we attached to them just as much as they to us.
- ‘We worked on having eye contact.’ By forcing ourselves to hold eye contact with our babies, we laid down the building blocks of our own attachment to our children.
- ‘Other cues for attachment with babies that we used constantly: rubbing cheeks, and rubbing the inner palms of hands.’ I can remember doing these things, especially in the beginning, because I knew these were healthy attachment cues. But I can vividly remember my own experience of these things as profound: the feeling of their soft skin, the fine lines in the skin of their palms, studying the exact color of their cheeks, noticing the tininess of their vulnerable powerful little hands compared to mine. In doing these things “for” my babies, I also attached myself to them as their mother.
- ‘In the beginning we held the boys non-stop.’ Again, we did this under the premise that it was for them. Looking back now, I see how much this benefitted our own attachment to them.
- And it goes on and on… I can literally go through the “Things We Did” post item by item and see – now – how each thing we did to foster our boys’ attachment to us, also fostered our own attachment to them— ‘We slept on the floor in their room’; ‘We didn’t let anyone visit’; ‘We made a big production about what a “home” is’; etc.
What I know now, more than ever, is that our own attachment to Kyle and Owen is just as important as their attachment to us. Of course I knew this, theoretically. But it is another thing to experience it, conscientiously. Attachment is a bond. A bond that goes both ways. And it isn’t always easy to bond with a child. Attachment can be challenging in the best (and most traditional) of family circumstances. But add adoption to the mix and chances are it is going to be even more challenging. Layer on things like wet infectious smelling snotty runny noses, or horrific parasite-induced diarrhea diaper explosions, or defiant testing-the-limits kicking punching pinching spitting… and factor in that you literally just met this little person, and they don’t resemble you in any physical way whatsoever, and they smell completely unfamiliar, and you have no idea their rhythms, routines, or rituals… and seriously… it is challenging. Attaching to a child can take a lot of work. Hard work. Hard work that nearly nobody acknowledges or even recognizes. But hard work that – I believe – really needs to be done in order to pave the way for a healthy family.
And so, four years after I wrote the “Things We Did” post, I can see more clearly how much work Braydon and I really did. I don’t write this to pat us on the backs (not at all, trust me). Rather, I write it because I think that while this “attachment-as-a-two-way-street”-thing might seem obvious, in my own experience I have found that it isn’t actually brought up to the surface very often – even in the adoptive family community. And so I write this to surface it. I also write it so that from this point on, whenever prospective adoptive families or waiting families email me for insight or advice, I can send them to the “Things We Did” post, but also link them to here. Because I think my biggest insight from my own experience with adoption is that purposeful intentional attachment – both ways – is key, and that this is critically important for adoptive families, and for those who are trying to support them, to recognize and acknowledge.
Every adoptive family knows it is coming. It is virtually inevitable. One day your child will come home with that classic school project assignment: The Family Tree. It isn’t news in the adoptive family community that this assignment can be deeply anxiety producing… for the parents, for the kids, for the entire family (not to mention the teacher). So, how to approach it?
Far before the assignment ever came home to our house, I had thought long and hard about it (and had my own anxiety attacks about it). I remember reading an article in Adoptive Families magazine, when Kyle and Owen were babies and just home from Haiti, about how to talk with your child’s teacher about handling this assignment in the classroom. Ever since then I had pondered it from time to time, imagining how I’d approach it with my kids, their teacher, and their school. And then it happened—a few weeks ago—the assignment came home.
We were told (and I do mean “we”—the assignment was, literally, for the whole family) to do it however we wanted (including as many or as few generations as we choose), with only one caveat: we were supposed to focus in on one individual “on the tree” and give some sort of “vignette” about him or her. Like I said, I had already put a lot of thought into how to approach this when the day came. Still, I was up practically all night the night the assignment came home. How do you honor your child’s roots, history, culture, and family of origin, while also honoring the extended adoptive family?
We had one week to complete it. I lost quit a bit of sleep early in that week, brainstorming how to go about it.
Given how much time, energy, and sleep (specifically, lack of it) that I devoted to this project, I – as an adoptive mama – am pretty proud of how it came out. It isn’t perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But one thing that I certainly wish that I had beforehand were some actual real examples of how other adoptive families have successfully handled The Family Tree school assignment with their children. So, in that spirit, and in the spirit of celebrating National Adoption Awareness Month, here is a close-up look at the J-M’s first stab at The Family Tree assignment~~~
We chose to focus in on incorporating two very special pieces of artwork that hang prominently on the walls of our house. Both pieces depict trees, and are both Haitian in their essence. The first (below top) is a painting that we bought in Port au Prince while we were in Haiti to bring Kyle and Owen home. The second (below bottom) is a print that we bought a few years ago.
I photographed both, and then we used these images as the central focal points for the project.
We devoted the full top third of the actual physical project space to “our ancestors.” Kyle and Owen have long been very focused on their “ancestors,” take great pride in their African and Haitian ancestral roots, and are very inquisitive about ancestry in general. So, this was appropriate for them. The middle third of the space was devoted to the actual “family tree” (including the birthparents, symbolically and literally, in the center).
We chose to highlight MorMor as the individual about whom we’d write a “vignette” (according to the original assignment). The bottom third depicted our ‘vignette’: a simple photo chronology of five generations of MorMor’s side of the family, including Kyle and Owen, with the tangible (and very real for K & O) focal point being “The Cottage” (where we spend time each summer).
In the end, we were all very proud of this project. The boys were so excited to bring it to school. Their teacher was thrilled with it (and it apparently raised lots and lots of interesting conversations in their class! I can only imagine!). But probably I, more than anyone else, took great pride in the finished product. Mostly I just felt so relieved to have found a way to pull it off so that it honored and celebrated both the complexity and simplicity of adoption.
I’d love to hear how other adoptive families have approached it, or plan to, when the time comes! I’d also love to hear how non-adoptive families (and teachers) feel about non-traditional family trees like this one showing up in their kids’ classrooms!
Happy National Adoption Month!
We spent Thanksgiving in Washington, D.C. with Braydon’s side of the family. Gamma came from MA, Grandpa Robert and Miss Carol came from GA, and we came from PA. We all descended upon Sabrina and Chris, who graciously volunteered to host us, for the big day. For that (their gracious hosting) we are extremely, extremely, extremely THANKFUL! (Thank you Sabrina and Chris!!!!)
We had a great time. Auntie Sabrina and Chris recently bought a house just outside of D.C., so we got to see their new place – and, even more importantly, meet Chris and his daughter for the first time – and spend the holiday soaking up time with the McCormick side of the family.
As anyone who has read this blog for long knows, the bambinos love to travel. They are real troopers in the travel department and they are always up for any trip. Every minute of our Thanksgiving was a thrill for them – from the road trip snacks, to the hotel pool, to exploring Auntie Sabrina’s new digs. Seriously, they are lovers of adventure. And every trip is an adventure. Each one is an experience that pulls us tighter and brings us closer. Despite the loss of desperately needed naps (Meera), and the loss of desperately needed routine (Kyle and Owen), our kids are able to fully engage in, and appreciate, the life of a trip. They are good travelers. And for that we are THANKFUL.
Sabrina and Chris live in a lovely little neighborhood. We enjoyed our walk to their sweet neighborhood playground (where the boys proceeded to freak out everyone with their crazy swing stunts). And Sabrina and Chris fed us very well for the entire Thanksgiving Day (they didn’t just do Thanksgiving dinner, but a huge pancake breakfast too!). There was football (on the t.v. and in the yard), and parades (on the t.v. and one we attempted to go to in real life, but failed miserably at!), a cranberry jelly contest (still not sure who won that one), and a pumpkin pie contest (still not sure who won that one either). The bambinos got a lot of quality time with Papi’s side of the family. Thanksgiving 2011: it was, as the old saying goes, as good as it gets. And for that we are THANKFUL.
The day after Thanksgiving we all went to the National Zoo. None of us had been there before. It was great fun. And it was a magnificent warm November day for being outside together. And for that we are THANKFUL.
We spent Thanksgiving in D.C. two years ago too. We stayed in the same hotel this year as we did then. Check out this comparison! (These photos were taken waiting for the elevator in the hall outside our hotel room):
Thanksgiving 2009 * Thanksgiving 2011
Man! How quickly they change! Some things don’t change all that much, though— I remember in ‘09 the bambinos were sort of obsessed with this lion sculpture that stood out front of the hotel. They were again this year too:
Grandpa Robert was snapping photos the whole time we were in D.C. (which gave us the luxury of not having to be The Family Photographers). For that we are THANKFUL! Here are a bunch of the photos from Grandpa Robert’s Thanksgiving camera (it is always so interesting to see what someone else captures!):
It was a very happy Thanksgiving 2011!
Last weekend our dear friend Beth (my oldest BFF and Meera’s Godmother) came to visit. We had such a nice weekend hanging out with her. But perhaps the loveliest thing of all (at least, for me) was that on Saturday morning, we woke up to our whole house smelling of something deliciously buttery breakfasty. It was a total surprise.
Imagine… having a weekend house guest who gets up before you do to bake something special for you?!! It was seriously one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. Us five J-Ms tip-toed downstairs (it felt like Christmas morning!) to find Beth, in our kitchen, with beautiful Cranberry Chocolate Chip Scones, straight from the oven. She had brought all the ingredients, woken up early, and made these for us. Loveliness. Loveliness. Loveliness. We drank coffee and orange juice, and savored every bite of these surprise scones. It has only been 3 days since Beth left, and I’ve already made another batch of these. Owen can’t get enough of them. They are delicious!
These scones would be a perfect treat to give as a little holiday gift to friends, neighbors, teachers, or friends. They’d make a great hostess gift, a sweet contribution to just about any gathering, or a nice addition to a get together for coffee/tea. If you’ll be hosting guests this holiday season, these would be lovely on your weekend breakfast menu. Or, you could do like Beth did and really make your hosts’ weekend by getting up early and baking them in the kitchen of those you’re visiting!
Beth’s Amazing Cranberry Chocolate Chip Scones
- 2 cups white flour
- 1/2 cup wheat flour
- 2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 3/4 cup salted butter, softened
Cut together/mix the above ingredients with pastry cutter until well mixed. Then blend the following into the dough:
- 1 cup coarsely chopped dried cranberries
- 2/3 cup sugar
- 1/2 cup mini chocolate chips
- 3/4 cup buttermilk
Split dough in half. Press each half into an 8 inch circle. Cut each circle into 8 wedges. Sprinkle with sugar. Bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 degrees for 14 minutes. Cool on wire rack.
Right up there, on the long, long, loooooong list of things we J-Ms are thankful for, is adoption. As each year goes by, we truly become more and more grateful for the gift and miracle that adoption is in our life. November is National Adoption Awareness Month. In the spirit of thankfulness, we here at Never-A-Dull-Moment-Blog are going to devote next week to some special posts on adoption. Get ready for some long-time-coming posts on one of our favorite topics! In the meantime… we’re eating some turkey and pumpkin pie!
1. Meera’s 3rd Birthday: A Fancy Pink Tea Party
2. Twinny Back To School Shopping… and On Being Conspicuous
3. Meera Goes To School
4. Travel– Christmas in NH (see #7 below); New Year’s Eve in CT; Adoption Day Weekend in Baltimore; Anguilla (and here, and here); Easter in MA; Vacation in the Lowcountry (1 of 3, 2 of 3, 3 of 3; and here); Haiti Reunion 2011; Visit to Auntie Stina’s House in Maine; NH Summer Trip (and the photos: 1 of 3, 2 of 3, 3 of 3); 10th Anniversary Trip to Finger Lakes (for Mommy & Papi); and daytrips to New York City (for the day before K & O’s birthday), Baltimore (for Palm Sunday)…and… a daytrip that totally flopped… Our Day at the Jersey Shore!
5. Food– The Swap; Getting Young Kids to Eat Fruits & Veggies; Snacks in Muffin Tins; and lots of other posts, such as this one (Best Margarita Recipe Ever!); this one (Salsa and Queso!); this one (A Super Easy Tasty Dinner); this one (A Really Nice Summer Supper); this one (a Comfy Cozy Fall Supper); and this one (Soup & Salad with a Thai Twist), etc!
6. Posts about Dual Career / Striking the Work-Home Imbalance– Life in the Fast Lane (AKA Our Triannual Crunch); One Heck of a Day; The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Redux; Rough Spots
7. J-M Family Christmas 2010 (multiple posts, including 1 of 3; 2 of 3; 3 of 3; Skiing; Christmas Morning; and Epilogue)
8. Posts re: 2011 = The Year We Began Our J-M “First Fridays” & The Year We Fully Caved Into Organized Sports for K & O
9. Summer 2011 J-M To Do List
10. Honorable Mention– It is in the Stringing Together of Moments; “Essence” (Satisfactorily Captured); Earthquake Aftershocks; The Sociology of Gendered Masculinity; Purple Polish; Work Hard, Play Hard, and Chillax; Easter Haiku; (Snowy) Halloween 2011
Heather is out interviewing candidates for the department, so I am home with the three. Tonight I asked the boys to help get Meera ready (thinking it would be more hassle, but a good exercise), and they did great – totally brushed her teeth, washed her face, then got her PJ’s on. Unbelievably amazing.
While getting Meera’s PJ’s on, I overheard this little conversation:
Meera: Owen, what are you going to be when you grow up?
Owen: A spaceman. What are you going to be?
Meera: A pony rider.
Owen: Oh!
This fall we celebrate our 5th Blogiversary! Can you believe it? FIVE YEARS OF BLOGGING from never-a-dull-moment-land!?! My biggest blogging regret is that we didn’t start sooner. I wish we had started when we started our adoption process, so that we could have chronicled those early phases of our family’s life. But alas, we were too tired to blog back then (oh, and also, there’s that other tiny detail: most people had never even heard of “blogging” back then). Anyhow… here we are. Five years in. And I want to say: thank you for reading.
I also want to ask – in keeping with tradition – will you please take a minute to tell us your favorite post from here of this past year? One of my favorites is this one: “Getting Young Kids to Eat Fruits & Veggies.” (Photo above = the bambinos’ favorite fall fruit “dip”– vanilla yogurt drizzled with honey.)
If you’ve read here over the past year, please, share with us your favorites! We’d so greatly appreciate it. You can leave it in the comments here, or you can email it.
Love and thanks going out to the blogosphere to all of you, our dear readers!
Here’s what they are up to lately: they both sit down at the piano bench and, immersed in total concentration and complete sincerity, they – together – play out a complex piece of impromptu piano music. They make it up, entirely on the fly, without ever once glancing at each other, and without uttering a word. The music ebbs and flows – somehow effortlessly – between quiet and loud, slow and fast, soft and hard, gentle and dramatic. It, at once, seems to have no structure and yet be fully structurally intact. The whole time they are playing they are recording their performance on one of their iPods. The pieces range in the vicinity of 8-12 minutes. In their view it seems that the longer the better. When they are done playing the piece on the piano (how they know when they will both, in unison, end it, I’ll never know), they then, gratifyingly, play their recording back to themselves, listening intently (and making anyone else who will listen listen too). And then they run back to the piano bench to do it all again. And again. And again. And again.
February 10, 2005 – just a couple of weeks into familyhood
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